u/Beneficial_Twist2435

Yesterday, my (single) mother looked into my closet, without my permission, and found the psychiatric reports that I had hidden from her. I want her to have no such part in my life. She found them while I was outside. 

I returned home to an outburst. You never were here anyway. All that I did had to be met with rejection and disgust; why in the world do you care? You know nothing about my life. I resent that she takes it upon herself to tell me that I am the worst child ever for exercising my choices as an adult. She has still not returned those reports to me. She says that she will go and speak to the psychiatrist herself; she will sue them. (Horrendous. I chuckled a little when she said that.)

It's all a mess. She wants me to speak to her; she wants me to conform to her racist, derogatory, sexist remarks about every single thing when I do. What she believes and says is true irrevocably, unquestionably. If I tell her otherwise, I am so out to get her. I have been raised like a dog; If I am not to repay her for the humble and self-sacrificing way in which she has "raised" me, I am one to be shunned.

As a child, she had visceral reactions to me making choices towards the way I dress, clothe myself, and fashion. The things I read, the music I listened to. She tore up my books and threw them away if she disliked the more “liberal” ideas. She told me every single night that she would have killed herself as a single mother if not for me. That she loves loves loves loves loves me so much that she lives for me. She would die if I were to go away; she would die, then. The idea of me having a girlfriend drove her up the wall, so much that she grounded me as a child for it. Six months.

I have nothing but disgust in me, as of today. My body reacts to it much worse than I do, shaking. She expects me to wish her, still. 

I will not. I will not. I will not wish her, not again. Never. I am so tired.

My lovely little Siri. Could you please tell me, how do I sleep tonight? I spent the entire evening, four hours of it at a cafe after attending a local film club screening. Those hours at the cafe, unsurprisingly, led to me drinking four cups of coffee. I was READING, okay? Okay? Don’t judge me!! The old couple, they own the cafe. I spoke to them a little. How cute.

Did some other lovely things, now I am in my bed. It’s been two hours actually. I have put on a most calming album (jizz jazz). Oh, how I love music. I burned CDs, it’s amazing.

All of it aside, I can’t sleep. I cannot sleep for the life of me, yet, I feel okay.

My nipples are cold. My chest is empty. It’s not heavy. It’s not heavy, for once. I can hear and feel the music in my brain. It tingles, a little. I exist.

Put on my Ants From Up There CD in the middle of a really, really bad week. I try not to listen to it sometimes. Two years since I've had it in my rotation. I can never help it, however. Never.

I woke up quite a bit later than usual today. Stayed in bed for an hour or two, then, not moving. Oh my god. I put on the album soon after. It has just ended. It's out. All of it. Tears, screams, and saliva. Whatever it is. I have not been so loud in a while. It's so freeing. I. am. so. terribly. sad. I have this uncontrollable urge to leave, now. Leave. I don't know what the feeling is towards.

Hello!

I am quite a bit of an amateur in this. Please bear with me. I have decided to give myself a break and buy an mp3 player. The ones I've come across, that I like the design of, are Mechen M30, and the Phinstec Z6. The metal bodies and analog buttons, specifically.

Since I lack a base knowledge of how they work, what is ideal for a player, I am unsure of my choices. I do not want to spend a significant amount of money and then, consequently, regret it.

The only thing I would really need from a player is the ability to hold multiple (1000, approximation) albums. No playlist requirements, and oh, a USB-C port.

Would you say that it is better for one to buy a cheap alternative, say a Cason mp3 player if they are unsure of the more expensive ones?

If you have any recommendations around the same price point (80-100 USD), I would love to hear about them. Thank you so much.