My Aunt hasn’t met my daughter. Should I feel bad?
Hello, feller potaters,
I was watching the Queen’s most recent video, and the story of the first Aunt reminded me vaguely of my aunt. I’ve thought about posting about her and my DRAMA about and surrounding her, but chickened out at the thought of it 😅. Intense fear of the unknown lol
Also, I do apologize for the length. I even let more context out to summarize 🥲. If needed context, I can add an edit about what my parents falling out with her was.
Anywhoooo…..
CONTEXT:
When I was growing up, my aunt and cousins lived with us during my grandmas passing and after (RIP🙏). I was 12 when they stopped living with us.
Aunt “Patrice” has four kids. The oldest is 2.5/3 years younger. Youngest is 7 years younger than me. Me and the pellet oldest daughter “Marie” grew up playing together and fighting like cousins who hang out all the time do. It was silly child drama, but Patrice never picked sides since we were all chill back then.
As we got older, it was obvious that we were not being treated equally. If her daughter did something, it was excused. If anyone besides her kid did it, it was a problem.
For example, I remember when Marie started her period and became SUPER “hormonal”. (I’m an early 20s girlie, I feel gross just typing “hormonal” when referring to periods lol). Marie would be unbelievably disrespectful to my aunt and my mom. Huffing at every ask, rolling her eyes when she didn’t wanna do a task and even just finding her mom so she’d get out of things. My aunt never disciplined. But I would get in trouble if I spoke to any adult any kind of wrong. Annoying kid stuff mostly, but patterns started happening. I was around 11 when the relationship with my aunt was just starting to falter.
It would be small things. Patrice would talk down to me, occasionally take her daughter’s side and view her words as more important. Then, it became more belittling over the next couple years.
When I was 13, my sister started going out to dinner with us since I was pretty well in charge of her. She was 3, and too young to be on screens without my parents there keeping an eye on exactly she’s doing. But, when we would go out to dinner, my aunt would constantly give my sister her phone and not pay attention to what’s going on. I would speak up, but both my grandpa (who we went with. Parents stayed at home and that was their weekly date night) and Patrice would say “no, it’s fine.” Or “it’s ok if she has it. It’s my phone”. I would go home frustrated and vent to my mom after every dinner. Then, they started getting more mean to my lil brother (5 years younger). Every time my brother did something wrong, Patrice and my grandpa would berate him and single him out as the example kid.
I remember one time at the park, my brother didn’t wanna answer a religious question. It was along the lines of “how does knowing and having a relationship with god make you feel?”. A deep question that my lil brother wouldn’t have had a great answer. Nor did he care (my mom was active in the faith, dad was not. Brother stayed with dad on church days by choice.) He was around 10 at this time. I was 15. Instead of just letting it go, both adults started threats when my brother said no. Well, they told him “you either answer the question or sit here until you do”. We all have a lot of stubbornness so my brother, again, refused.
I tried to step in. I tried to help my brother but I was told I’m not an adult. He needs to learn. I was pissed. But helpless.
My brother never ate dinner with us again. He was done with how horrible Patrice treated him. I was too, but I try to let stuff slide. I’m a people pleaser 🙃.
My aunt continued to make hateful comments even when my brother wasn’t there. She would make comments like “oh he’s too good for us now” or “he’s such a fuddy” or any other condescending comment. I would defend him, ofc. (I’ve yelled back at my dad for my brother before. I looked death in the face and won). But, I would also be undermined.
Soon, I started getting quieter. I only went cuz my sister couldn’t go without me due to my aunt and grandpa not following their rules on purpose.
Then, I stopped going all together.
It started clicking. Patrice would make comments at our weekly dinners about “oh you’re just too good for us” or “you guys act like brats” or “you think you’re better because of x thing”. She honestly believed we felt superior to her kids. Yes, we grew up financially stable, but that was after years and years and years of groveling. We nearly lost our house many times in two years. It was rough but we pulled through and got more stable. And yes, we were very confident kids. But not snobby so. We knew we had basic worth even as kids. We deserved respect like we give respect to adults. We never got bullied or bullied others. We talked to my cousins the same way we did growing up. We were kids acting like kids.
My mom told me years later and confirmed this. Patrice directly told my mom “your kids think they’re better than my kids.” And used an example about how my brother was “bragging” that he got a new pair of shoes that were bandname instead of Walmart to my cousin that was the same age as my brother. My brother was just excited to show off his shoes like any other kid does. They were just talking amongst themselves.
She still believes we think we’re better. She still makes underhanded comments as I’ve gotten older. My husband was over the road trucking when we first got married. It was rough but I didn’t have to work as a 21 year old. I got to stay home. I ended up getting a job but only working part time since I find it hard to as sit and not be depressed about my husband being thousands of miles away from me weeks after being married.
While at my parents house having weekly dinner with my aunt and cousins, she makes a comment about how “at least my husband isn’t hundreds of miles away”. Like her husband is a gem to brag about. He speaks a foreign language, didn’t teach their kids, still doesn’t talk to his kids, and treats my aunt like garage and with no respect. Do not compare my husband who is taking care of his family to your husband that can’t even talk to his kids.
I just stared at her. And I told madre I was going home. I told her that night on the phone I was done with her. She will not talk to me that way again I’m done.
My mom agreed and I stopped going out with them, even if they were at my parents. I never talked to them and they never made an effort. I gave an outing a chance when I was pregnant but, I kid you not, she said two sentences to me.
Then, never spoke to her again. But she texted my mom when I was about 8-9mo along saying “we should have a girls night and put fake tattoos on her belly like they did with us”. My mom said “I don’t think she’d be comfortable with that”. Patrice responded “don’t tell her and surprise her” my mom again said, “no. She’s not comfortable with that. And things aren’t the same anymore. We don’t talk, and things between us are just not how they used to be.”
Patrice never talked to me or my mom again.
Until I was at the hospital after having our daughter.
Pictures were being sent and group texts were popping off and wanting to see the baby texts came through. On the group text, my grandpa said he was coming up to visit. Fine. Not asking just coming. With him, that was fine. But my aunt chimes in “yeah. I’m planning on coming up to see her this afternoon.”
When I read this, I started fuming. My heart rate increased and I felt my adrenaline start. I was fuming. I made hubby read the text. I haven’t talked to this woman in nearly a year. No effort, no nothing. I told hubby, I don’t want her here. She was mean. She doesn’t get to see the baby. Hubby said tell her. I was nervous to send the text but I told her “we’ve already got two people coming up to see her and it’s been a long night. We’ll set up a time for you to see her after we get settled at home”.
When I sent that, my mom called and said she almost sent a text saying the same thing but much meaner.
To this day, I haven’t talked to my aunt in two years almost. I feel guilty for not feeling guilty. But I’m protecting my baby from being hurt like I was. Hubby hates my aunt too based on her behavior. We haven’t made an effort and have avoided family events with her. It’s been 8, almost 9mo since and she hasn’t met baby.
So, petty potatoes, should I feel guilty? Or am I in the wrong? I do appreciate constructive feedback.
I can also add more context about why my aunt dislikes my parents. It was just getting long and I didn’t wanna bore anyone. If more details on why are needed, please let me know.
Thank you for reading! ♥️