u/BoredCareGiver

I went in to chapter 5 a lot less blind than I usually do. My boyfriend had watched a stream and was clearly quite affected by it. Since it would be some time till I could properly play the chapter, I let him spoil it so he could unburden himself.

"Ralsei is trans fem"

"It's more blatant than Jax"

He's the softly feminine sort of queer man who saw a lot of himself in Ralsei. So he wondered if it was okay to be kind of disapointed. It was and he felt that disapointment for an hour or two as he told me about the proof. Cause I was frankly in disbelief that he could feel it was that probable.

Once he was through his disapointment he took a lot of joy in my amazement. Cause though I think I'm less convinced than he is (I still have that sinking feeling of a rugpull coming) I was still greatly moved.

My excitement waned seeing how so many are taking this. It wasn't casting doubt on this possibility for Ralsei's arc, not annoyance, not being a little sad and dealing with it. But saying that it is impossible for Ralsei to be trans fem, and heaven forbid if we entertain that it is, it would be an ACTIVELY HARMFUL OUTCOME... but totally not in a transphobic way of course.

It seems my boyfriend may have been in the minority in being someone who isn't trans feminine, would like to see another outcome for Ralsei's arc, but can be normal about this, share in my joy, and understand the importance of this kind of representation.

And that I feel is the rub. *If* this is where Ralsei's story goes, what I'm seeing is not a narrative that can speak to people with a broad but largely contentless ideological commitment to trans rights. Thus far it is for trans girls and the people who love us. If that is not you, I feel that transition as an ending will likely blindside and then enrage you.

And so many people are invested in this character who have not had that experince of dysphoria or love in their heart for someone who has. And so much of the rankest transphobia is borne out of an aggreived sense of being cheated and deceived, something that fandom brain often actively encourages. It's silly and small compared to all that we face, but I am not ready to see so many people who could be kinder go mask off.

This post was edited for brevity. I do have a lot more feelings and theorizing to share if anyone wants to hear.

I feel a mostly unspoken pressure to not talk about this in other trans spaces because HRT is too often framed as "changing" sexuality which comes with obvious baggage.

Sometimes it's over concern for the cis gaze, like oh some TERF is gonna screenshot this as ammo for their transition is conversion therapy conspiracy theory. And I'm not going to be silent on something important to me because cis people are stupid and malicious, like no fucking doy they are.

Other times it's a feeling that trans people get the "you're invalidating me, you're saying HRT is gonna make me straight/gay just like you" and though I haven't experinced it, that probably happens so I'm gonna try and be conscientious.

With all disclaimer out of the way.

I am bisexual. I have always been bisexual and deep down always kinda knew this. But dysphoria touched every facet of my life and self, and my sexuality was not some kind of walled garden that dysphoria respected. So for awhile, for various reasons, I thought that I was gay and liked men exclusively. Even though I mostly liked imagining myself as some unseen observer when I thought of sex and romance between men.

But thanks to E when I look in the mirror I can see a woman and realize that yeah I'm still pretty fucked up and perverted. But if an absolute hottie like me can be a deviant wretch than plenty of other women must be too, or even worse.... (oh gosh), and so I'm not some awful unberable burden on "the fairer sex".

And with dysphoria alieviated I can appreciate the broad spectrum of masculinity too. It's not just nerdy skinnyfat guys with long dark hair and smooth faces and chests for me these days. I now realize there was never anything inherently wrong with big muscles, beards, round hairy guts, bald heads, or jocks, they can be sexy as hell actually. They just reminded me of who I didn't want to be.

My sexuality did not "change", I grew into it and am privleged to better embody it.

Oh also I'd like to take a moment to laugh at everyone who said that maybe I just haven't met the right girl. Haha yeah, she was me you stupid assholes.

The school let us SpED kids take our friends out of class to hang out so other kids would *want* to be our friends

I really am slow...

Sorry the mods of r/ADHD aren't evil enough and broadly ban any mention of pot cause everyone with ADHD who isn't a child is a late 30s to mid 40s xennial who works a respectable professional job, pays their bills on time, each morning get up do the pledge of allegiance all that.

Anyway Kaiser Permanente is telling me I have to submit to a urine test before I pick up my next adderall prescription, "for my safety", of course. I was told I should declare if I take other controlled substances, street drugs, THC. And like any embittered American who works on her feet and lives in a legal state, how could I not fucking use a little green?

My question, is this a trap? If I'm good and honest about being a dirty pothead are they gonna take my adderall anyway? If it is a trap, would it not be a trap if I was a heterosexual cisgender man who viewed my neurodivergence as a curse? IE can I bullshit through it if I mask my contempt for American healthcare and don't bring up that the guy giving them these rules is a blueblooded rapist who uses heroin

So I know littles for child alters, that some but not all will use middle for more adolescent alters (We like middle). But is there anything more concise for older alters or for alters who's mental/emotional development more or less mirrors your physical age?

Pretty in the weeds on syscovery, really getting there, and grouping alters by age has been helping us make a lot of sense of it

Could you maybe have a look at my "son" to make sure he's certain about this cisgender stuff? Look I'm sure he thinks that's "he's" cis. But until "he's' old enough to be sure, I don't think there's any harm in letting "him" explore "his" options before biology makes choices for her.

but can't i say something??? i don't think it's a good idea to try and "reclaim" pedophile , groomer, or abomination against god :/

How can you say I hold any particular animosity towards trans men? You're just men to me!

When you vent about your height dysphoria, I get the ick. Incels talk about height like it's a major marginalization. So when I ignore that you're trans, it sounds like an incel talking!

When you express alienation from other queer men because of the unchecked transphobia in their spaces, I see through your male manipulation! Thought you could wokewash your entitlement to sex huh bro?

Yes I can be hypervigilant around you, but it's because you're a man not because you're a trans man. Your transness is *literally* invisible to me, I thought that's what you wanted?