Healing
Today i feel better, calmer. So i guess i was wrong in berating myself for endind up rewriting the same apology over and over, it seems that it is doing something, slowly, little by little it is letting the hurt out.
While yesterday it felt like a deep tragedy that we failed to comunicate, today it feels like, no duh, too people with trouble recognizing social clues and comunicating ... had trouble recognizing social cues and comunicating, what a story mark.
And the trips around the carrocel are getting different, while i almost started on the next stage on the carrocel of emotions, the, maybe you just didnt care about me that much, this turn around i shut that noise up imediatly, we are done with those thought patterns, i know you did, no further discution needed, so healing is happening.
Ive also reached the conclusion i should stop beatting myself up about how much irreversable trauma i no doubt caused you. While i know i hurt you deeply, and i do deeply regret it, i also know this is hardly your first trip around the sun, you been through this several times before and you've grown into a strong person, the very fact you could say, im not putting up with this behaviour anymore and walk away from our friendship shows that much, you will be fine, hurt but fine.
And its time i do the same. I need to learn to be hurt but fine rather than wallowing in self pity, it makes getting anything done completely exausting cause im like arthax trying to cross the bog of despair.
I would like to run into you at some point in the future and be able to tell you, im good and really mean it and be able to hear what wondefull adventures youve been up to and be happy for you without there being a voice at the back of my head calling me a complete piece of shit for not being doing just as well (*sigh* which was so moronic in the first place, we are very different people, led very different lives, have different struggles, why should i chastised myself you reach some of our common goals first? Of course you did, you work your butt off at everything you do, me not so much. I just sorry it didnt come across how proud i actually was of you, but well its too late for that now).
DFTBA