u/BronzeGolem436

Fuck. I failed to consider that getting an assessement, getting therapy, takes time, it may be a year, more, before I have answers, before I have coping strategies.

I hate the idea of you out there, still sad, still crying cause of the hurt I inflicted.

But there wouldn't be much of a point in showing up to fix the hurt I caused without getting either first.

If that was you in the park, crying, some time ago, then just ghosting me isnt working, and we probably need a big long talk and getting everything left unsaid out, at the very least, for either of us to heal, maybe more, I actually have two gifts set aside for such a meeting, to try to create new good memories to soften the hurt I caused before, but well you said goodbye with, I wont do a toxic friendship again and, I wont set myself up to be hurt again, and as much as I have done a lot introspection and recontextualizing, those old diseased thought patterns are still beneath the surface and are gonna take more than I can do on own to fix, and I wont subject you to those again, so this may take a lot more time then I had considered.

I read one post in here where sonmeone talked about someone that had hurt them coming back after 10 years, after being in therapy and apologising and how even after all that time it had still lifted and healed something inside.

While I don't think I need 10 years to heal, who can say when i'll see you again, I can only hope for the same will be true for us too.

Dear I.M.P. ,

I thought some more about what happened on friday.

I am not O.K. with it.

All this time I assumed, you were probably ok, you had said that, when someone really disrespected you, any feelings you had for them just vanished, you even said it more than once so I expected it to be true.

So with the end of our friendship I assumed that's what had happened, you sent your goodbye message and blocked me everyone, cause for you everything was resolved, no need for further conversation (and to be fair, the way I was acting at the time, I'm not sure what good any conversation would have done).

And I know you received at least one of the apologies I sent after, so figured that's it, you don't want to talk, you know how to deal with aftermaths and hopefully that apology might adress any lingering hurt, what else was there to do?

But if that was you on friday, that ran away crying at seeing me, well than all of that is bull, you are not ok, and you are not ok because of me and despite what an asshole I may have been in the past I am certainly not ok with giving people that are important to me trauma and just leaving them with it.

So heads, I am coming to see you.

Maybe not at this precise moment, cause there wouldn't be much point in trying to solve the trauma I gave if I havent yet fully dealt with my own trauma which lead us here in the first place.

So before I'm going to go get my assesement, figure out if there are parts of the mess that is my mind I can be medicated for, and to reach that point you told me you need to go to a few theraphy sessions, which I clearly also desperatly need, so that's bound to help with what can't be medicated, so by the time I show up to fix the mess I made I will be a more fixed individual myself.

But I am coming to fix things.

So today, like everyday, after lunch I went and had my nap in the park

There were 3 girls a little further down, but i didnt pay much attention, there is usually someone in shade, I stay in my corner in the sun and theres room enough for everyone

Some time after I hear one of them shout your name loudly

And then quietly between themselves

Is she ok? I think she was crying

And when i opened my eyes only two girls where there

At the time i thought, nah coincidence, another girl with the same name, why would she just happen to come to the place i come to everyday, the universe doesnt work that way

But at the same time, for me, who has been desperetly wanting to see you again, to end standing meters from you and not see you and still make you cry, that sounds exactly like how the universe works for me.

Fuck

It would be a greek tragedy, you never want to see me again, I want to respect your wishes, but the stupid universe putting us in situations were you keep running into me, i dont see you (it is rather typical, i've lost count to the number of people who told me, hey i ran into you the other day, i shouted, i waved, i honked the car horn, you did not notice), you go away crying thinking im ignoring you, i go on my way oblivous to the fact, i just hurt you.

It sounds so me, I more wonder how many times it happened already. *Sigh*

*Sigh* if im going to hurt you regardless i would rather have you in my life still.

At least I get to make you happy in between the bits where the comedy of errors that ends with us being hurt happens.

To not have you here and still end up hurting you just seems needlessly cruel of the universe, but again, looking at the world around us, yeah that sounds about right...

Today i feel better, calmer. So i guess i was wrong in berating myself for endind up rewriting the same apology over and over, it seems that it is doing something, slowly, little by little it is letting the hurt out.

While yesterday it felt like a deep tragedy that we failed to comunicate, today it feels like, no duh, too people with trouble recognizing social clues and comunicating ... had trouble recognizing social cues and comunicating, what a story mark.

And the trips around the carrocel are getting different, while i almost started on the next stage on the carrocel of emotions, the, maybe you just didnt care about me that much, this turn around i shut that noise up imediatly, we are done with those thought patterns, i know you did, no further discution needed, so healing is happening.

Ive also reached the conclusion i should stop beatting myself up about how much irreversable trauma i no doubt caused you. While i know i hurt you deeply, and i do deeply regret it, i also know this is hardly your first trip around the sun, you been through this several times before and you've grown into a strong person, the very fact you could say, im not putting up with this behaviour anymore and walk away from our friendship shows that much, you will be fine, hurt but fine.

And its time i do the same. I need to learn to be hurt but fine rather than wallowing in self pity, it makes getting anything done completely exausting cause im like arthax trying to cross the bog of despair.

 I would like to run into you at some point in the future and be able to tell you, im good and really mean it and be able to hear what wondefull adventures youve been up to and be happy for you without there being a voice at the back of my head calling me a complete piece of shit for not being doing just as well (*sigh* which was so moronic in the first place, we are very different people, led very different lives, have different struggles, why should i chastised myself you reach some of our common goals first? Of course you did, you work your butt off at everything you do, me not so much. I just sorry it didnt come across how proud i actually was of you, but well its too late for that now).

DFTBA