u/BurningSketches

Apologies for being so absent...

I'll be try short, because I'm in one of those feminine moods, where I have the urge to pontificate endlessly about my ecclesial fantasies...

My mentor, who knows me, my long standing SSA, and tons of other personal defects behaviors is disappointed in me. I haven't been coping well, with some family dynamics. I never do. But I haven't been checking in with him. I haven't been avoidant, just distracted...(?) I wasn't expecting him to call me and create all these drunk sappy feelings....

On the phone, I gave my mentor a long update about my family situation (Plus my college class) He was understanding and gave me some advice on how to stay motivated to deal with it all. heh;; And he reminded me today was St. Johns Day*.

Me: "Well, i wanted to go see this movie for almost 2 weeks."

Mentor: "What movie?"

Me: "Leviticus, have you heard of it?"

Mentor: "Oh, no I haven't. What's it about?"

Me: I explain the movie with a more Christian slant and i don't remember why I said this, but i said something like, "Don't worry , the actors playing the gay couple, are 21 and 19."

My mentor starts asking more questions, and his voice is very even, so I relax a lot and start to ramble. My mentor is not the type of guy to say games and media about X, promotes more X btw. He understands grey areas, cultural / generational differences, and context matter, In that way, he comes of genuinely intereasted.

Me: "I was going to write a review for it, it's queer horror... it's gotten really good reviews so far."

Mentor: "How do you think the movie ends?"

Me: "I hope the monster tortures them and drags them straight to hell, and the movie ends on a cringey PSA like some dystopian WW2 propaganda. Or some crazy voodoo happens and one boy escapes by betraying the other boy, but also ends up being horribly maimed and paralyzed!" - I had a lot of wild theories, and my Mentor chuckled at a few of them tbh.

Mentor: "That would certainly be queer... You sure you wouldn't rather do something else?"

Me: tbh, i'm not sure, "But I already promised some friends i would go see it"
Mentor: "What friends?"

Me: silence

Mentor: "How do you want your story to end?

I got like, 3 words out, and couldn't stop crying. I didn't hang up because he started talking again, and my mentor's voice is really soothing. His voice cracks a little when he basically reads ALL OF 1 Timothy and calls me his son and stuff. IT MAKES ME SO MAD, I WISH WE WERE REALLY FATHER AND SON.

>!"Timothy, You are like a son to me in the things of the Lord. May God our Father and Jesus Christ our Lord show you his kindness and mercy and give you great peace of heart and mind. As I said when I left for Macedonia, please stay there in Ephesus and try to stop the men who are teaching such wrong doctrine... Wild ideas that stir up questions and arguments instead of helping people accept God's plan of faith. What I am eager for is that all the Christians there will be filled with love that comes from pure hearts, and that their minds will be clean and their faith strong. But these teachers have missed this whole idea and spend their time arguing and talking foolishness, They want to become famous as teachers of the laws of Moses when they haven't the slightest idea on what those laws really show us. Those laws are good when used as God intended. But they were not made for us, whom God has saved; they are for sinners who hate God, have rebellious hearts, curse and swear, attack their fathers and mothers, and murder. Yes these laws are made to identify as sinners all who are immoral and impure; homosexuals, kidnappers, liars, and all others who do things that contradict the glorious Good News of our blessed God,, whose messenger I am.!<

>!Now, Burner, my son, here is my command to you: Fight well in the Lord's battles, just as the Lord told us through his prophets that you would. Cling tightly to your faith in Christ and always keep your conscience clear, doing what you know is right. " - [Paraphrased Bible]!<

I'm just bitterly crying to the point I have to lay down because I feel so dizzy (and aroused?) Snot is somehow in my eyes ,,,on my shirt, my pillow,

My mentor tries to calm me down by listing all the things I'm good at, and how he admired my innocence and maturity. He's genuinely honored and blessed to be able to mentee a fellow child of God, and he's just worried about my depression is lingering, and waiting for the right opporunity to drag me back down.

My mentor reminds me that he understands I'm a delicate sexually repressed man. I shouldn't lean into hyper fantasies, idealizing self torture through handsome actors as proxy, and other stimulating entertainment. As i'm already so tightly coiled about my family, finances, and colllege, there will undoubtably be no grace when the movie eventually upsets me, and i call him, and i'm crying even harder than right now. Ultimately this isn't about my desire for friends, sex, movies, sexual orientation, or secular entertainment being good or bad."gifted empath"; and this gift takes intense study and disciplline or it devolves into more caustic appetites, like sadism. He doesn't condemn me- and he genuinely feels bad whenever our conversations go this route (it's been happening more often tho) ...We talk for another two hours. I'm a little embarrassed to admit, I really like the intimate attention he gives me, details and questions.... I don't feel so small and useless. I know,

'Burner, omg, you wrote all this shit just to say ur not seeing that Leviticus movie. Ur not writing a review. Ur fake and U just like attention hAhaAHAAHa. You deserve to be chemically castrated and alone. gg'

I'm probably oversharring, but you all can hopefully laugh and cry with me.

I'm probably not saying anything new. I'm sure you guys have been in similar desperate situations. Cross for Crown, Death for Life, this and that, such is life...

Love

*Referencing to St. John the Baptist. It's a day that commemorates his birth- about six months before the Messiah started in the early church before the whole Orthodox/Catholics split

I'm always dreading it. Even just riding in the car to attend service feels like chainsaws at the edge of my skull. I'm sure avoiding it is going to result in me feeling more guilty. Service starts at 10am. People really want to see me & really want to respect my boundaries.

But I just can't face them, and I know it's because all the festivities, pleasantries, and genuine communication and study is so draining. And i have to engage. It's not a matter of going and sitting in a pew in the back and just listening... then leaving... I have to engage... And it's probably 3hours or so before i can get back in the car and go back home...

But i have zero energy.. I feel like i'm just not doing enough to prepare mentally and emotionally prior... Do others have this issue? Am I just better off forcing myself and being... "Moody"... "robotic"? I guess if I do go, the worse thing that'll happen is i'm just in a crappy mood. And I put off some new comers or some fellow members may think i'm stressed. I've already told many parishioners i'm dealing with depression and medication management... So perhaps i'm being dramatic... But I'm sincerely dreading this everyweek...

Would appreciate any suggestion at all. Because besides attending service, i'm avoiding Bible studies, the gym, gainful employment, going to the gym, college classes...

I just don't have the energy to leave the house or produce... effort... And I can go months without going anywhere... I'm content within these four walls...My bedroom is where I like to sleep, play games, eat, lift weights, listen to music, sleep, read... If someone gave me a million dollars to go to church, i don't think I could bare it still... It's an empath thing, right? when i'm forced to leave my room I become irritable and I feel needles on the inside of skull...

Sigh

I'm trying to think of what i'm looking forward to... But honestly... It's probably just the fact its a New Moon Tonight.

Thanks

Hey,

Male-late 20s. Single. Back in College. Home with the folks. No kiddos. Born and raised Christian (Baptist. currently attending non-denominational. looking into ortho)

But this post isn't about me. I would like to get some clarification on the communities above.

One, SSA, Same-Sex Attracted individuals and then the gay Christians or lgbtq affirming Christians.

Once, a long time ago, my friend was exposed to the SSA group here on reddit, during his preteen years. He continued to look into SSA content, and found a few more articles and websites. He received a great deal of encouragement and biblical philosophy that inspired him to be celibate. My friend feels this SSA group is truthful, earnest, and refuses to yield to worldly/hedonistic standards that may water down the Gospel or muddy our duties as men to mirror Christ.

Even though, he's not exclusively SSA, he still appreciates the traditional understanding of sexual morality & the Bible taking center stage. However, my friend does still like to engage on the gay and lgbtq christian stuff. He says, it's just a matter of being supportive.

Christians aren't all the same. One group is affirming and the other... edifying.

Fair. The first gives my friend a bit more cultural relevance, a sense of relatableness, and entertainment, the second allows more blunt, practical help, and traditional perspective to be discussed.

But, i asked him why there was a need for both groups?

"Christians are Stiff-necked people..."

(meaning Christians can be insensitive and stubborn so it's just better for them to break off into groups. Reason? hm... A mixture of cowardice and fatigue from arguing...? Anyway," stiffnecked" comes from the situation Moses had to deal with when the israelites were in the wilderness for 40 years lol God calls them Stiffnecked people.)

Hopefully we can build more bridges here, therefore my friend won't have to feel so awkward jumping from group to group. Or... maybe having different groups isn't an issue, and there isn't a desire for both groups to work together and advocate for each other?

Cheers!

I haven't interacted with this topic in over a decade. So apologies for my ignorance, but I don't remember this subreddit nor this topic being so gloomy.

Back in the day, was there a few long rants and emotionally charged posts about this and that and "woe my feelings"?

Yeah, of course. But, i gravitated towards the wholesome mentorship, the earnest discussion about scripture and apologetics, poetry, some science articles, daily updates about abstaining... am I imagining things?

I'm almost 30 now. Single. Back in college. Living with the folks. I get on and off pharmaceuticals to manage my seasonal bouts of depression. Born and Raised in the Church all my life. Converted at 10 and been apart of a handful of ministries. Love kids & hospitality & the spiritual Truths of God.

Does the gay christian subreddit even know you guys exist btw? Do you guys work with each other? Challenge each other? Break bread?

Anyway, I'm not here to "drag" anyone. Because i could certainly do better to support this *growing* community, myself... because i truly think abstaining is the best option for ssa individuals.

So, I've been thinking, what do u guys need help with?

Are most of u males? Females? Young? Old? Married? Hate to say, i don't have any of the old posts saved. You guys missed a great group of saints. Hopefully a few of u r still around!

Would love to just say,

Thanks, because preteen me could have never been so strong without reading your testimonials.

Cheers

Hi,

Thanks for everyone's participation and kindness in advance.

I'll try to be as concise as possible. I'm posting this for a friend. He wrote something like this, but i heavily edited this so it sounded more like first person.

"Me, 28M, I have a younger brother, Soddie (not his name) 19M. He's a good kid. We're both Christian. We were born and raised in the Church (Protestant). We haven't always been close. But since he had a bit of breakdown in middle school, i've been trying my best to keep a very close eye on him.

Later, Soddie tells me he's been having SSA for a long time. And he never wants to actually do something like this, but he's often thinking about these things in an 'abstract way'. As he tries to explore these fantasies as if he was playing a video game, and the sexual fantasies are about an avatar and not himself.

Initially, this made me extremely uncomfortable. I'm embarrassed to say, I DID NOT want to engage, let alone do the arduous task of educating myself about my brother's weakness (or vices)... But within a few days, I began to feel really depressed. Soddie hasn't told anyone about these fantasies. Soddie hasn't said anything against God. Soddie hasn't complained. Soddie hasn't become an LGTBQ+ advocate, Soddie hasn't started going to gay bars.

He's just been more quiet the last few years, and has the family a bit worried because of his depression and isolating tendencies (I don't think my parents would hate Soddie if he expressed his SSA tendencies to them. But I don't think they would be very understanding).

I prayed for understanding about all this.

Over the years, Soddie and I have talked alot more about this... I've become more grateful, especially on days when Soddie tells me he's annoyed or masturbating, than days he tells me nothing. I guess, he's just trying to be held accountable. Which is a good sign. But honestly, what should I be holding him accountable to, exactly?

I often think; well, he's still young. I shouldn't expect too much from him... He's probably always on the ledge... He'll get better, and figure things out on his own... Right? Besides, Isn't it good enough that my little brother isn't indulging or making excuses for himself? He isn't embarrassing the family, becoming an escort, selling lewd pics, or spewing heretical propaganda... Although, he has done some fleshly things to for money... The time he did audition as an "entertainer" at a gentleman's club... Or he created an onlyfans to research the payscale for SFW photos (he likes to dress up in MALE cosplay. He's a bit soft and artsy tbh but i think it's all the anime that influences him and his friend group, not really his attraction, but i could be wrong).

After the fact, he apologized to me, and decided it wasn't worth pursuing these ventures because it would strip away more of his purity, even if the pay was really good, he couldn't afford to lose anymore of his "chaste masculine" appeal.

Soddie hasn't hidden anything from me, and he wouldn't try anything without asking me for advice first... So I'm confident that Soddie isn't going to burn in hell, just based on his unnatural desires for male attention. He still holds Christ and Christianity above all, and that's why he hasn't physically done or said anything to go against the Christ's teachings on sexual morality.

Getting all this off my chest doesn't make the problem go away, but if anyone else is struggling, please know, your family and especially the ones you confide in, are extremely grateful for every moment you deny yourself and maintain your "masculine purity" regardless of how little you have left."

I might post this in the Gay christian subreddit, but i don't know, they might think this is a bit too hostile or dogmatic to gays. I wanted to post this because my friend, is himself, getting a bit depressed about 'failing' his little brother. In my honest opinion, I wanted to frank and say, this isn't all on you! Your brother is more moral than other gays, sure. But we both know, you feel guilty because you're not sure if Soddie is just being moral or if he's truly devoted to Christ. So yeah, Soddie might be going to hell, it's not up to you. And it doesn't matter what you do for Soddie. So just be thankful for the time you have with him on earth. Pray that God gives Soddie some hot girl to turn him straight. But uh, that's probably not the most encouraging thing...

Anyway, thanks for reading.