u/CaramelDiem

As a Black woman who isn't conventionally attractive and isn't the picture of femininity, I had to realize that no one was coming to protect me or save me. That makes me deeply sad.

I always see conventionally attractive Black women being protected and held, which makes me happy for them, but it's sad for me because I don't think anyone really gives me a chance. When they do, it seems they want to extract from me instead of wanting to keep me in their lives, which no one is obligated to do. It seems that I'm always discarded partially because of my appearance. I know it's not a personality thing because people actually say they like my personality. However, they think something is wrong with me, or that's what I'm assuming.

I notice how people treat me compared to other individuals, especially if they're light-skinned, biracial, and conventionally attractive. When it comes to me, people have less empathy for me, they aren't as patient, and sometimes they judge me. I've been treated like this for most of my life, especially as a child.

I'm 22, and I realized early on that most people weren't going to treat me with kindness. Considering I'm not attractive, especially by Black beauty standards, even other Black people won't have much empathy for me unless they understand my situation or choose to extend that empathy.

I know I don't have to be attractive, or rather, I don't owe anyone attractiveness, and I don't have to be light-skinned to be beautiful. I'm not about to push that rhetoric. What I'm saying is, I think a lot of people don't have much compassion for people like me.

I've tried to dip my toes into dating and test the waters. People have asked me out, but they've always used me as an ego boost or someone to use as a distraction to heal from their ex or to distract themselves from their ex, and they end up leaving me for the person they wanted. They get better when they're in a relationship with the individual they actually longed for.

The worst part is that I've mostly dated Black men, and some of them have treated me like garbage. I know this isn't unique to Black men specifically, and I'm not going to say that Black men are horrible. Nobody is inherently anything and I love Black men. What I'm saying is that I've noticed a pattern where the Black men I have dated have treated me very poorly and emotionally abused me, and it's very traumatizing.

Part of me really doesn't want to be alive anymore because it feels like I'm just not the kind of Black person people really want to root for. If they do, it has some kind of end goal behind it, and it's usually rooted in selfishness. I'm very tired, and I've been tired for a long time.

I know there are more serious things going on, and people are going through a lot worse. I'm aware that many of my struggles might seem like vanity. But this is quite debilitating for me, and sometimes I just don't think I'm ever going to be helped by a community I've always wanted validation from, and that's the Black community. I really only care about the validation of other Black people.

I just don't know what to do anymore, and I don't think anyone is ever going to try for me the way I try for them. Sometimes I get really tired of being a Black woman.

I realized that my ex, who I liked deeply, was using me the entire time we were together. He still had feelings for his ex, talked to her, and wrote poetry about her, and I didn't realize it until months later. He still loved her, and they're dating now.

He claimed he liked me too, but I noticed he wasn't treating me like he was truly attracted to me. If anything, all he did was comment on my body and seemed more enthusiastic about the possibility of intimacy.

At the same time, he was funny, caring, and sweet at times. He offered to buy me things, checked on me, asked if I'd eaten, made sure I was happy, etc. However, it seemed that he wanted to keep me a secret, and that's what broke my heart the most. He claimed to want to do things with me, but never tried seeing me.

When it came to his first long-term partner, who I eventually learned he still had feelings for, he was controlling over her, worried about her having male friends, didn't want her having secret friendships, showed her off, knew she was desirable, and never wanted to let her go. He was protective of what she wore in public because guys might see... he threatened to harm himself whenever she tried to leave him, he had manipulation tactics (according to her), and tried to spoil her whenever he messed up.

He didn't do that with me.

Plus, I had this sinking feeling that something was off with him, but I couldn't figure out what it was.

I would bring things up to him, but he said I was overthinking once, and he claimed I would never listen to anything he said. He would lie about things that happened when it came to his actions towards me.

He would change stories, claim I said something when I never had, and lie about people complimenting my appearance when he showed them what I looked like. Yet, he claimed he never showed them what I looked like at all. It made me sad.

I ended up breaking up with him, and I chose to confront him about his behavior towards me. I wasn't cruel, but I called out the mistreatment, his using me, and the fact that he took advantage of my kindness.

He apologized, but the apology was primarily centered around himself, his loneliness, the fact that he kept losing people, and that he hurt someone who meant the world to him. Guess who that was? His ex. She ended up defending him because he gave her my number, lied about not knowing who I was, and she was quite mean to me.

I have never claimed to be a pretty girl or that people should be attracted to me. I only wish people would treat me the way they treat beautiful women. It's like I am not a person.

Trigger Warning: Child Abuse

I'm so damn tired of seeing people, even at my age (22), say parents need to start whooping their children again. Um, no. There have been countless studies showing that spanking, using belts, and household objects have a psychological effect on children.

As a kid, I hated being whooped, and it absolutely scared me knowing what was going to happen if I did something wrong. What is so normal about having a kid remove certain clothes or all of them to hit them? To reinforce rules? To show them "real" discipline? They're children.

For example: At work, you typically wouldn't ask an adult to pull down their pants and underwear so you can hit them on their backside because they upset you. You'd likely get hit back, and then you could end up receiving an assault charge. What's the difference with children? Oh, yeah. They're less likely to defend themselves. That's cowardice and an obvious power imbalance.

Being whooped was traumatic for me. Watching other kids being physically harmed in similar ways, when I was also a child, traumatized me as well. Why are people using babies, children, and teenagers as punching bags? That's not normal. It's abusive. "My parents did it to me. This is how I was raised." Okay, but I'm also sure you knew how you'd been feeling during/after those moments your parents were hitting you. Your intentions matter, yes, but so does the impact.

Why is this so normalized? :/

ETA: Also, I fully believe that resorting to physical abuse, but excusing it as disciplining someone can be a sign of emotional immaturity. Like, if you can't find healthy, non-abusive ways to enforce consequences and teach someone right from wrong... you're likely not the best communicator, at minimum.

Hey, y'all!

So, for context, a while ago I confronted my ex-boyfriend about how he mistreated, used me, and took advantage of my kindness while we were together. I held him accountable, hoped he'd get better, and that was the end of that.

Hours later, I got a text from a number I did not recognize, and when I read the message my jaw dropped. It was from his now girlfriend (they weren't dating when this all occurred), who he had a long history with. She introduced herself, told me her name, and let me know that what I said about him was wrong.

She was defending him, told me I did not know him if I believed he was the way I described, and that he is deeply misunderstood. She told me that she knew him better than anyone, how she loved him, but she wasn't going to go into all of that. She advised me to "lose his number," and not reach out to him again.

Yet, she said in the beginning that she'd "love" to get to know who I was, and wasn't sure if she knew me. I told her that I had no idea how she got my number, but to not contact me again.

I let her know what my intentions were, that I no longer had any romantic feelings for him, and that all I wanted to do was stand up for myself. I wished her and him well (I assumed they were dating due to the context of her message), but I told her that by contacting me, it was confirming things I'd already known, and I wasn't going to reach out to him again.

She seemed to be upset by this, and told me she did not care if I liked him or not. She said, "He's mine and it's going to stay that way." Afterwards, she let me know that I was not in his life anymore, so what I said didn't matter one bit, and I needed to lose his number. I won't lie, she genuinely hurt my feelings, and it hit my self-esteem tremendously.

All of this confused me because I never said anything cruel to him OR her. My message to him wasn't about her either nor was it romantic. Everything I said centered my pain, how he treated me, and what I hoped he'd do to change in the future. I even wished him well, so I have no clue as to why this happened.

I don't really understand this behavior, especially when it comes from another woman unprovoked. I've had all kinds of experiences with women, some good and some not-so great, but the awful experiences always stick with me. It's just... hard to wrap my brain around, I guess.

TL;DR: I reached out to my ex to confront him about how he treated me, his girlfriend texted me from her number, invalidated what I said, I tried explaining myself, and I set a boundary to end the conversation. She ignored the boundary, what she said made me feel bad, and I'm trying to figure out how to cope with cruelty from other women.

ETA: I hope my post didn't come across poorly, btw. I'm not attempting to generalize or say every woman will treat me in such ways. I've never been in a situation like this, so I was quite confused. If what I said was inappropriate, let me know.

I don't really feel safe inside any space, and since I'm actively suicidal -- certain posts, comments, and replies have been sending me over the edge. I honestly don't feel as though any space has been entirely welcoming or the right fit for me. I've thought about leaving social media entirely, but then I fear getting FOMO. I don't know where I belong anymore.

Also, I just get the feeling nobody wants women like me to exist anymore, so I see that as a sign.

Throughout my life I’ve had to sit with the fact that my family, peers, strangers, previous partners, and some old “friends” have viewed me as being physically ugly. It hurts. I know that I’ve never been facially beautiful and it seems as though my adult features will always be unappealing. There are days where I’ve longed to have parents that are conventionally beautiful. If I did have parents who looked different I’d likely be a beautiful woman.

I never felt feminine growing up. I didn’t fit in with most girls my age at the time. A lot of them would bully me, exclude me, and make passive aggressive comments about my mannerisms or appearance. Even still, I know I do not look feminine, and it’s worse being a Black woman in such a vulnerable position.

I’ve grown to find my face triggering. I spiral into thoughts of my face burning off or being stomped. It hurts knowing that my face is the reason why people mistreated me for so long.

I never asked to look like this.

When it comes to my suicidal thoughts, I usually tell my mother about them, but it seems as though she has no empathy for me. I told my mom about my suicidal ideation. Unfortunately, she does not give a shit about my wellbeing, or at the very least is incredibly emotionally detached. She told me earlier today, "I'm not telling you what to do." Afterwards she claimed I would just end up a "vegetable" or permanently disfigured. She wasn't the least bit concerned. My mother has outright encouraged me to kill myself more than once in the past. I'm sick of people claiming my mother loves me. She has constantly spoken for me, spun narratives about me, and told people things that are outright embarrassing. I have no clue what is wrong, but she primarily communicates with me when she wants something done on HER time. NO ONE will ever believe a word I say. NOBODY. My mom has tried to kill me in the past, has physically assaulted me, made me feel as though my memory isn’t trustworthy, and act as if I’m attempting to gaslight her. She has said things like, “I’m not going to let you make me crazy” when all I’m trying to do is get her to understand the pain I feel. It’s all too much. I’ve never been loved in a consistently healthy way by my mother.

Who am I supposed to turn to when nobody will believe me? I’m not beautiful, so no one will open a space for someone with a face like mine. It seems that I was destined to fail no matter what I did or where I went.

Feminism leaves out women like myself, the media, literature, celebrations, family, sisterhood, etc. It’s as though society decided I’m an inherent failure for not being pretty.

I thought being in my early 20s was meant to be fun. I guess not. I learned in life that I will never be someone’s priority, but I will always be the first person they choose to discard.

They should have known I wasn't going to be cute or pretty considering how their faces are. It feels like a missed opportunity. I could have been beautiful with the right genes. I don't hate my skin color, hair texture, height, weight, etc. I hate how my face was constructed. It's not fair that I have to suffer because of their choice.

I've clocked it for some time now, but it seems that inside our community, some people do not take appearance-based discrimination seriously. I wonder why that is. If you even vent about it elsewhere, some Black men will chime in, and not take much of it seriously. I remember months ago, venting about being facially unattractive, a Black man replied, "Men fuck/have sex with ugly women all of the time." Meanwhile, my post never mentioned men, but it seems that guys can only think about sex when a woman speaks up about being unattractive.

If I go to my mother about it, she'll get defensive, and invalidate my entire experiences as an unattractive woman. Even in some Black spaces or irl support groups, I've noticed some invalidation depending on who and where I go to. There are Black women and girls out there who can relate to my experiences, but I noticed that some of the few who cannot relate react in defensive ways, and sometimes they blame me for my unattractiveness.

I was once told in a Black woman's space that I got bullied because it was my fault. That she's seen women who don't necessarily fit into narrow social standards not get picked on because they stood up for themselves. She told me that if I had a backbone of some kind, I wouldn't have been a target, and I needed to look inward. Did people forget what bullying was? You can stand up for yourself, and still be bullied by someone.

Honestly, this pattern keeps showing up, but I never see it occur when Black women open up about pretty privilege.

***Edited.

I've been suicidal for 10 years. The thoughts began once I turned 12 in 2016. I've known for a long time that I was always going to die by my own hand, but I never knew exactly when. Some things have gotten better, but other situations have been worse.

I feel like an outcast inside and outside the Black community sometimes. I'm not beautiful, I'm bullied quite often, and my neurodivergence makes me an easy target. I have no ✨ Black girl magic ✨ or anything. All my life I've had to watch the world go by while I suffered in silence.

I'm not pretty enough for my story to be heard, and people usually drop me like a bad habit. I'm also hyper-aware of my emotions, triggers, and trauma. All of that makes my everyday life incredibly debilitating. I wake up, immediately thinking, "I'm so ugly. Why am I still alive?" It's a never ending cycle.

I'm not religious, so I'm not expecting anything after death.

I'm really sad about this because I never asked to have the face that I was born with. I know it's not attractive, but I don't think I deserve to be devalued, mocked, bullied, and harassed for it.

I live in a predominantly Black area, so most of the guys I'm around are Black, and the ones who have claimed to show interest in me ended up insulting the way I looked. It hurts a lot.

I think about being beautiful all the time. It consumes my thoughts. I obsess over it because it seems like the ticket to certain privileges.

No one likes my Blackness because it's not worth any praise. I don't have a feminine face either. I wish I could remove it. I hate this.

I know all men aren't out to harm me. I've met kind ones, but a lot of them either ignore my existence, or try to manipulate me for something. Why can't I be beautiful to them? Why is my Blackness so bad in their eyes? I don't want to fucking look like this, but I can't help how my features appear unless I get plastic surgery.

I'm neurodivergent, recently turned 22, and I'm not the most spectacular looking. I've been judged most of my life, discarded for other people, chronically devalued, and insulted for how I look/act. I'm so exhausted.

I don't feel included anywhere. I constantly feel as though I have to perform, even inside Black spaces, and it makes me upset. I'm so sad. Deeply sad. I've been worn down for such a long time, and no one seems to care. All I want is to be treated with kindness. Everybody else gets it. I want that, too.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I know people say I'm not attractive, so I guess I shouldn't leave the house anymore. I'm so lost. Other women get chances, but they're usually beautiful, so I won't be treated the same. I just want someone to care.

I turned 22 today, but I feel like absolute garbage. I'm not happy about being alive or making it to 22 years of living. Of course, I had to be ugly, and that ruins any poor excuse of a celebration I have. My facial features are ugly, I haven't been happy in a long time, and people constantly use/overlook me.

What is the point of my existence anymore?

To make matters worse, I told someone exactly what I wanted for my birthday, but they gave me things they wanted for themselves. They do this on every holiday, and become disappointed when I do not use the things they purchased for me. I appreciate generosity, but I don't understand the point of gift-giving when it's things you have no clue the individual will like.

I hate my life. I hate not being heard, appreciated, facially beautiful, and loved like other women.

Hi, y'all…

So, I've (21F) always known I wasn't beautiful, and I'm quite below average in terms of facial attractiveness. If you were curious, I'm brown-skinned, with golden undertones, and I have a masculine face. Out of all the things I like about my appearance, my body is the one, but that's about it. No one values me or tries to get to know me because I'm not conventionally beautiful.

I've never had a real relationship where I felt desired, I haven't been physically intimate with anyone, and nobody has chosen me in the end. When it comes down to choices, someone conventionally attractive is always picked instead of me. I know. I shouldn't care about being picked.

"Don't be a bird!"
"Don't be a pick me!"
"Girl, get up…"
"I've seen unattractive people in relationships before."

Look, I understand. I know I shouldn't place my worth on what other people do or say, but society isn't like that. I want to be desirable. I yearn for someone to see me as I am, but it won't happen.

My birthday is on Thursday, and I'm not sure if I'll celebrate it. I feel so worthless because the world has broken me down more times than I can count on my fingers. I hate that I have to be strong or "thug it out" because I'm not happy. I want a reason to keep going.