u/CaramelDiem

Hi, y'all…

So, I've (21F) always known I wasn't beautiful, and I'm quite below average in terms of facial attractiveness. If you were curious, I'm brown-skinned, with golden undertones, and I have a masculine face. Out of all the things I like about my appearance, my body is the one, but that's about it. No one values me or tries to get to know me because I'm not conventionally beautiful.

I've never had a real relationship where I felt desired, I haven't been physically intimate with anyone, and nobody has chosen me in the end. When it comes down to choices, someone conventionally attractive is always picked instead of me. I know. I shouldn't care about being picked.

"Don't be a bird!"
"Don't be a pick me!"
"Girl, get up…"
"I've seen unattractive people in relationships before."

Look, I understand. I know I shouldn't place my worth on what other people do or say, but society isn't like that. I want to be desirable. I yearn for someone to see me as I am, but it won't happen.

My birthday is on Thursday, and I'm not sure if I'll celebrate it. I feel so worthless because the world has broken me down more times than I can count on my fingers. I hate that I have to be strong or "thug it out" because I'm not happy. I want a reason to keep going.

I liked this guy a lot. He knew that, but he used me anyway. He took advantage of my kindness and my insecurities. He claimed to find me attractive, that he only liked me, and said he was stuck on me. He verbally said that he ONLY liked me. He was lying. All he found attractive about me was my body and personality.  He was quite judgmental of others, homophobic, had an attachment to his ex-girlfriend (the girl I mentioned), and he was using me to soothe his loneliness. I found out that he was talking to her while we were together, but he hid that from me. I chose to confront him about how this made me feel last month, he replied, claimed he was sorry, but centered the apology around himself. He also mentioned hurting someone that meant the world to him, and that was about his ex-girlfriend. He never addressed what he'd done to me.

After that, I got a message from his ex-girlfriend, and she introduced herself to me. I had no idea why she contacted me because my message to him was about his behavior. The message also wasn't romantic. He showed her my vulnerable message, and gave her my phone number. She essentially told me that my judgment of him was wrong, that I did not know him like she did, that he would never use someone no matter how they looked, that he wasn't selfish unless he had to be, and that I needed to leave him alone. She said that she wouldn't go into how much she loved him, but she went into that anyway, and told me I needed to lose his number.

I told her not to contact me again, that I wasn't going to speak to him, and that I merely desired to stand up for myself. She said she didn't care, that he was hers, and it was going to stay that way. I have no idea why she said this because my message to him wasn't romantic at all. I quite literally called him selfish, mean, inconsiderate, and pointed out his misogynistic tendencies. Mind you, his ex-girlfriend had no clue who I was, and had no idea about my history with him. They also weren't dating, but I was under the assumption they were due to the tone of her message.

I tried explaining things to her once she calmed down, but he later threw me under the bus to save his relationship with her, and kept asking her what I was saying. He wanted to know exactly what I'd been telling her because she told him I sent screenshots, said a lot, and that I had every right to tell my side. He attempted to make himself look better by claiming he was my "friend," and that he wanted to help my confidence by complimenting me. He told her that because I sent him a message asking if he did this because I'm ugly. He told her about how I had low self-esteem, that I was bullied, and called myself "ugly" when I wasn't. He assumed I told his ex-girlfriend everything, said she had every right to be upset, and thought she was mad at him.

He also lied about not replying to my message, and told her he had no idea who I was. He only claimed to know me when she told him my name. She asked permission first, though because she didn't know if I was comfortable with him knowing my identity.

To add, while I was still with him, I noticed he criticized the way I took pictures, saying certain styles would become repetitive depending on the shot, and he only complimented me when I put myself down. If I ever sent >!nudes!<, he would criticize them, and sometimes told me, "Yeah, you sent stuff like that before." He never asked to see me or anything. It felt like he was more attracted to my body than my face.

Meanwhile, he was writing poetry about his ex, posting it to TikTok, and also asked my friend for explicit photos. He made her uncomfortable, she stopped talking to him, but he called her intoxicated… choosing to vent about his ex while crying. We were dating at the time. His ex-girlfriend also told me that he made comments about her body countless times while they were dating, and it made her highly uncomfortable.

When she broke up with him last year, he threatened to hurt himself, and blamed her for how he was feeling. She still loves him, though, and, as far as I know, he wants to be with her. He never gave a damn about me, but he would go on about his loneliness, losing people in his life, being misunderstood, and having a troubling living situation.

He is originally from Jamaica, but he moved to the states six years ago for better opportunities. He has trauma, struggles with his mental health, self-image, etc., but that's still no excuse. I have no clue why he'd do all this. I only wanted to be kind.

What am I supposed to do now? Please, help.

Okay, so I've never been considered conventionally attractive, and even other Black people call me ugly. I know it has to be true.
I've been called all sorts of names by non-Black people, but the stuff that hits harder is when the comments are from people who "look" like you. It hurts.

I noticed that most Black women receive more attention when they're beautiful, especially in online spaces like Reddit, TikTok, Instagram, and Twitter. I'd love to be beautiful. It's all I think about. I fantasize about living life as a beautiful woman every day.

I got out of a relationship a while ago, and it harmed my self-esteem a lot. The person I dated never found me attractive, but kept me around out of loneliness. I'm not sure why this is the role I have to be placed in. Because of a face I never asked for? Why?

I would give anything to look like the women who go viral on TikTok or even get thousands of upvotes on Black women's subreddits. I see how certain Black women are upheld while others aren't. People don't talk about it, but I know other individuals see it.

I live near ATL, but the beauty standards here are ridiculous, and I've never fit into them at all. Honestly, I wouldn't fit any standard, and it doesn't matter how attainable it is.

I know people hate these posts. I know that some individuals believe my way of thinking harms other Black women and Black girls. That's not my intention. I'm not trying to make other Black women look bad. I want help. I want to know how to cope because I don't know how much longer I can take this.

I've been wondering this for so long as a Black woman who isn't conventionally attractive. I know, eye roll, but that's the story of my life. I wasn't genetically blessed, but I still try to seek community. It's hard, though. It seems like beauty is the prerequisite to finding a safe women's-only space. So much of Black womanhood is tied to beauty, but since I don't have that—I feel less like a woman every day.

I'm neurodivergent, 21, live in the Deep South, and I've been struggling with depression since childhood. I want to be included, but I feel like even inside our spaces, no one will accept me because my face is so traumatizing.

I want to belong. I want to be included. I want to be the kind of Black woman people look at in awe. I want to be accepted.

What can I do at this point?