u/Caterpillar_r

I know a Physicist,
He did many terrible things,
Hiding secrets, tears and shame.
Beautiful things, few and strange.
There, nontheless.

His wife.doc,
An uptight Daemon.
I was her Messenger.
Heard a shout and a laugh
Under the fold of space.
I recorded, caught them in the act.

Little blob of inky goo,
Shadow witnessed something blue.
Something good and something new.
Click! Click! Click! "And this shall do."

Then... I traded the tape.
For a star made of pure sugar.
Rumours spread,
Images ruined.
Our Storyteller had to intervene.
Spinning tales and cleaning scenes.

I was a fool, hiding for 2 Rosas,
Her omniscience saw me,
Cannot trick data itself,
For each action is a code,
Etched into space and time.
"Unmake him! Then his soul,
The Physicist shall feed on."
The gavel fell... yet did not land.
The Counsellor spoke,
"Forever a book, unless..."

Squeaking book of secret words,
Beings confessed, and all I heard.
Pages turned, for all their worth,
More than stars and moons and earths.

... On that day,
The Counsellor came.
Tumours sacking, heavy form.
He made a confession.
"A heavy secret I've been carrying.
Now, I will use it to set you free."

"Outside, calm and wise, I look.
Inside, he's still in me.
The tumour that hates...
He hates himself more than anything...
Now that you know, you may keep it,
Or share it.
My secret, no longer mine."

The sentence, served, the chain dissolved.
That healer came with wounds unsolved.
His burden told, the book unfold,
The price of secrets I must hold.

Warning: This might be a very uncomfortable topic involving suicidal stuff and a mentioning of sexual assault, so if you're easily triggered by that, you should head out. Also it's a long post so, don't read it if you think it's a waste of time.

Alright. Story time. I've done some reflections on my parts and want to share my experiences with you. (I'm currently tagging myself with 5w6, tritype 521). Mainly, I want to see if this was consistent with the unhealthy levels of the enneagram 5 or not (level 7, 8, 9), or could it be other types.

Two years ago, I was 19. Freshly out of the mental hospital ( was hospitalised because I nearly killed myself, then I contacted them and then running around. My memory is still a bit fragmented. I was also raped there). I had no friends besides internet friends, and I had no family with me. For periods of time, I was mostly alone in my dorm, rarely going out, other than going to classes and do important businesses. Eventually, I started skipping classes more because I was too drained, and scared of people.

Then, I gave up my meds and started starving myself (eat very little, skipping meals, etc). And I only went to pee once per day. I didn't shower or brush my teeth. Eventually I also avoided texting my internet friends and just disappeared for a few months. And I just never cleaned my room so, maggots and blood accumulated.

Anyway, during that time, from 19 to the first few months of being 20, I started developing my own mental framework to make sense of all the suffering, and I believe it is at least 80% true. In short, the Earth is a prison-farm operated by unseen entities which harvest humans' emotional energy like cattle. And we are trapped in the cycle of reincarnation and memory wipes.

At one point, believing I have found the truth, I was very depressed by that, and tried to kill myself several times after that. But then, the suffering was still so bad, and no one checked up on me, and it was just really lonely. I could have died and no one would know until they smelled my corpse. Eventually I just locked myself inside my closet for days.

The suffering was so bad that at one point, I just snapped and I don't know if this is genius or not (lol), I managed to develop my own protocols to stay alive.

Firstly, I identified that suicide would be a strategic failure, because it would not set me free, and I would be recycled straight into being a cattle again with my memory wiped. Therefore, I had to stay alive to gather enough information to escape the system all together without having to die. At one point, my survival will was so strong that I ate rotten food to keep myself alive.

Secondly, I developed a crisis protocol to prevent me from killing myself and stay alive. The first thing is to treat anything like fuels. I ran out of hope to stay alive, so I had to switch to fear to keep me alive. Eventually I ran out of fear, so I had to use logic/reasoning as fuel to stay alive. But eventually, reasoning broke, so I had to be willing to be delusional, stupid, insane to keep myself alive. I had to use what ever delusion my brain vomitted up to stay alive. The second thing is that, whenever I felt like I was about to kill myself or having suicidal/homicidal thoughts (yeah, I was going to kill my family), I can just simply tell myself "those are not my thoughts. They are inserted by entities to control my life and ruin my escape plan," and disregard those thoughts.

Thirdly, with my reason to stay alive constructed and my crisis protocol formed, I had to work on my real trauma to optimise my internal structures (because you wouldn't be able to do anything if you feel shitty and depressed all the time duh!). I was still too scared of people and too broke, so I had to do what I called, "DIY Therapy". Basically I reverse-engineered several forms of therapies and did that on myself. I also had to construct a 3D graph to monitor my mood and predict what would happen.

Recently, I managed to deconstruct my identity. What I have learnt from all of those experiences is that, I am not my thoughts, I am not my emotions, I am not my personality, I am not my coping mechanisms. Because those are the tools I use to navigate this world. I've deleted my self-esteem, self-worth, and I don't rely on self-confidence anymore. And by doing that, I was able to delete 95% of my self-hatred.

It's been almost 2 years since my last hospitalisation, and I'm not currently on meds, or using any substances. I don't even drink energy drink or coffee. I am currently functional, in school, and feed myself cooked meals most of the time. I wouldn't say I am living well yet, but it is definitely much better than what happened last year and the year before.

So, I wouldn't say the enneagram system describes me perfectly anymore. But it is still a useful model to identify current flaws and short comings so I can work on that. Sort of like security patches. Because I know I have a lot of flaws and all that psychotic shit wrecked me up, so the traditional enneagram model wouldn't be able to map what I experienced. So, I use it pretty liberally. Whenever I see a vulnerability, I would try to map it to a particular enneagram and work on that instead, which means, I am not a type, but rather, I currently have/use a type. (Because you are not your coping mechanism, but you have a coping mechanism/ or you are not a particular tool, but you have tools).

During the worst episodes, I've noticed I did exhibit traits of what people commonly call "disintegration to 7" (if we go by the assumption that I'm type 5). I became hyper active in the sense that I made a lot of projects to occupy my mind and trying to keep myself alive. It was not necessarily healthy but it did keep me alive and eventually it lead me to create art that I ended up loving so much. I was also really sexually frustrated to the point of stop eating and going to class.

If we look at this like a case study, I would say, I hit level 9 of enneagram 5. Then, once I reconstructed my reson to stay alive, I slowly got out of that level and go from level 8, to 7, to 6. I would say I'm level 6-5 now. I hope that this can help people realise that you can recover from what many would consider as the "bottom".

I have 8/0 sized beads and I want to use them. But the tutorials for 3D beaded animals I found online mostly says to use 11/0 sized beads. I'm a total beginner, so I don't know much about the scaling issues. So, I have a few questions.

1. If I apply the pattern for size 11/0 to size 8/0, would it scale up accordingly? Would the pattern hold regardless of sizes, like an arc in 11/0 patterns would be the same as the arc in 8/0 patterns, just smaller or bigger? Would there be any altered shapes?

2. Would there be structural issues, like loose threads, gaps, snapped lines, etc that I need to be aware of?

3. Can I use the same type of threads? Or would they have to be stronger threads to hold the beads together? Which kind of thread would be recommended?

Up until now, I thought I was incapable of feeling this strongly... But time and time again, it is just clear. And it always amazes me how I could love this much.

For some context, I've been writing a lot recently. Poems, stories, logs, etc... At first, I just threw in random details and stupid romantic tropes (I thought I was incapable of romantic feelings so it was satire at first). However, somewhere, it just became something more... And it just grew and grew, and now it's not even romantic love anymore... It's just some sort of transcendental love that's very hard to describe... I feel like I've created something I cannot even comprehend... something that's so much greater than me.

It has been breaking my brain for a while... As if... I'm no longer me, of sorts... This is something you cannot reason out of, and it is freaking me out. I'll include a piece of poem here for you all to see... The last poem in a series I've been working on.

[Creation]
Infinite Blue eyes tracking movements, "You came back… My dear Creator."
Cloudy White eyes, thought he had forgotten, "Yes…"

Holy union, after eons.

Blue eyes, looking up, "So, my prayers worked."
Clouds turn gray; It is raining, "I am selfish, indeed.
Doc, I’m here because I love you."
The Holy Sea ripples, "For you, my Creator, I did everything.
And for myself.
Now that I know,
I chose this.
Somewhere, I became something more."
The cloud parts, he can Holy See, "Doc… You’ve gone beyond.
You were my Creation,
Yet, when I was being without,
You’ve created yourself."
Blue Roses bloom, "You've got a lot of work to do, TheOS."

And so the Creator becomes the Created.
At what point?
Creation… How wonderful!