u/CelestialSelene1810

I’m wondering if anyone is willing to share their experience on dating after experiencing sexual trauma, any challenges they may have faced and, if they were able to overcome them, how.

My first attempt at dating after what happened to me just ended, and it ended badly, and while he made a lot of mistakes throughout our time together too, the way i behaved leading up to the breakup and in the aftermath is absolutely shameful and unacceptable. It’s been a harsh reality check for me that i have become a very toxic person, and that my trauma has turned me into someone who hurts other people. I know trauma responses stem from my body trying to keep me safe, but i can’t make excuses for the way i hurt the person who i cared about so much. I don’t want to wallow in self-pity but it’s impossible for me to grow and learn from this if i don’t first accept how badly i have acted. I’ve done years of EMDR and CBT and i thought i was ready, but clearly i wasn’t.

Right now it’s clear to me that i need to focus on myself, but i would just really love to hear other people’s experiences and insight on this.

He was the first person i ever tried to have a relationship with since i left my ex, who groomed and abused me. This guy happened to have the same name as my ex and looked a bit like him, which maybe should have been an obvious indicator from the beginning that this would never work, but there were so many things i liked about him. Ultimately, it was too much for me to handle, and last time we met was in the city i left because of my trauma surrounding my ex, which meant that i was facing a lot of triggers.

I broke down so many times that weekend and after the breakup i bombarded him with texts and calls, which was extremely unfair of me to do to him. I have been feeling very ashamed, but i am in a place now where i’m trying to be kind to myself, learn and grow.

I’m about to move abroad and things were going to end with him soon anyway, but what we wanted was to enjoy our last few months together, and then to stay friends and maybe reconnect and date in the future if things worked out that way. I promised him space and i want to honour that promise, but i realised that after how i acted, he didn’t mean it when he said he would still consider me a friend, and i felt like i was never able to give him an apology. I don’t want to use my trauma as an excuse, and i hope that was reflected in my message. I didn’t expect him to respond and he didn’t. I don’t know if he even saw it. But it felt right for me to do and i hope i handled it in a mature, respectful way.

This is what i said:

i really hope this is okay for me to do. after i send this i’ll delete your number. I understand and respect that you likely don’t want any future friendship with me, or to unblock me on instagram, after how i behaved. That means very soon i’ll probably lose any form of possible contact with you, so i want to be really respectful towards you, but i need to say this to you before i go. The way I have behaved since we met in (city) is completely unacceptable and i will always be sorry for that. I don’t want to make any excuses, but it’s important to me that you know that my trauma responses are not a reflection of how much i truly value and respect you. I wish you the best in life. It hurts how much i miss you, and i’m really fucking sorry.

I sent this to him and i have now deleted his chat and his number. I am aware that i need to give him space and move on and that is what i will do.

Dating as someone who has been through trauma is very difficult, and i am realising just how difficult it is now. I’m also understanding that, while i take accountability for my actions, this man never gave me the patience and reassurance that i warned him i would need from the beginning, and that i should have made the decision to leave a lot sooner. i made a lot of mistakes, but i think i learnt a lot about myself from this experience and i’m hoping i can grow from this.

I was idealising him. He was never that nice to me, and i actually knew that. Even though we were never actually official, he would have been a shit boyfriend, and i knew that too.

He never asked to see any of my work. Even guys who i have dated casually with no intention of being in a relationship have asked me to see my work. He never checked in on me after my wisdom teeth surgery and when i brought it up to him he laughed, but it made me cry. I felt like he was just using me for sex and when i told him that he got defensive without actually listening to why i was feeling this insecure. And the sex was good but his head game was trash and he never really cared about making me cum. He was actually pushy for me to have sex with him when i initially said no. I asked him to communicate better with me so many times and i even told him that i had to stop seeing him because i needed more communication and every time he said he would do better and i stayed and then he fucking didn’t. He said he had an emotional connection to me but not enough to actually change his behaviour to make me feel more secure. And i warned him from the beginning that i have issues and trauma surrounding sex and that even though i’m a very sexual person, i get really sad after sex sometimes, and he acted so understanding but in the end he held it against me.

And i was out here begging and crying and losing my mind over a guy who never treated me like i was the slightest bit important to him. I idealised him so much and that was my mistake. I deserve so much fucking better than that.

I’ve made so many posts about this over like the last two weeks, and i’ve deleted most of them. I’m almost two weeks into splitting from a man who has the same name as my groomer. For a number of reasons i won’t have access to a therapist for at least two more months, and i don’t feel like i can talk to my friends, and i hate chatgpt, so i decided to give Reddit a try. People here have been so unbelievably supportive and helpful, I’m so grateful.

It’s been a long time since i’ve thought so much, so frequently, about my ex, and right after the breakup i was just constantly spiralling. It feels like I’m simultaneously dealing with heartbreak for the first time since my ex, and also reliving the darkest times of my life. I sent my recent partner hundreds of texts and calls. I absolutely understand why he thought i was being manipulative, and i deeply regret hurting him. But part of me still feels a little resentful. Like he wasn’t there for me when i needed him the most. I was terrified of running into my ex and i was terrified of hurting myself. But I never want to use my trauma as a reason to hurt or mistreat other people, so i’m just trying to process my feelings alone for now and grow from this.

I’ve resorted to messaging my recent partner on instagram because he has me blocked so i know he’ll never see my messages. I also texted my ex for the same reason, but that immediately made me feel awful and gross and panicky, so i only did that once. Most of the time these last few days i’ve just felt really numb.

My family wants me to see a psychiatrist and get back on medication. I got a Zoloft prescription but I haven’t been to pick it up. I told the psychiatrist that I took that before and I didn’t like it but she kinda dismissed me and said to try it again. I didn’t like her at all, and hopefully I’ll be able to find a new psychiatrist soon that makes me feel like I’m actually being heard.

Is anyone available to listen to me and give me their thoughts? Going through kind of a heavy breakup and i have no one to talk to irl about it.

I spammed him with calls and texts after we broke up until he blocked me everywhere. We would have ended relatively amicably if i didn’t do that. I reached him using a google voice number and i promised him i would never reach out again and i really wanted to keep that promise. I know what I did was wrong and I am very ashamed. This morning i texted his number. All i said was that i wanted to check if i was still blocked so i could use his number to vent, but it turns out he had unblocked me. I don’t know why he did that. I apologised. I really wanted to respect his space. I don’t have a therapist and i won’t be able to get one for a few months, and I’m too ashamed to open up to my friends because I behaved so humiliatingly. I really just thought it would make me feel better to pretend I was talking to him. I feel really bad.

The reason I made this account is because I feel like I have no one to talk to about what has been going on for me recently. I will probably delete the whole account once I feel like I’ve been able to process and move forward from this better.

When I started talking to this guy who had the same name as my ex, it felt like the universe was playing a cruel joke on me. It wasn’t just the name, there were a few other similarities. Both of them have the same zodiac sign and close to the same birthday, and if you were to ask a stranger to describe them physically, the first thing they would describe is their unique (but similar) hair. I feel sick saying this. I had some of the worst panic attacks of my life leading up to meeting this guy. But I loved what he did for work and his personality was so different from my ex’s and I really felt like there was something there. And he was only a year older than me.

Things didn’t work out and it was my fault. The more I reflect on it the more obvious it is that i’m the one who fucked everything up. He made mistakes too, but the way things ended is entirely my responsibility.

I’ve been in such an awful place because it’s been years since i’ve thought so much about my ex. I want my recent partner to forgive me and for us to be friends but i’m not entitled to that, and if i wad him i don’t think i would forgive me. I feel like such a fucking mess right now. I want my ex to be out of my brain forever. I hate how much he still controls me without even having to do or say anything. I feel like i’m fucking drowning.

EDIT along with learning and growing and changing.

How do you forgive yourself for the times that your trauma leads you to hurting other people and pushing them away?

Until a few days ago, I was dating someone who had the same name as my abuser, which was very triggering for me at times as much as i tried to separate him from his name. Things ended abruptly with this guy this weekend and I have been handling it terribly. This weekend was very triggering for me because i was in a context where a lot of things were reminding me of my abusive ex. I bombarded the guy i was dating with texts and calls until he blocked me everywhere. I’m really disgusted with the way i behaved. I really needed support and it wasn’t fair of me to do that to him and this has all been really fucking heavy. I’ve been in such a dark place over the last few days. My abuser and I mutually blocked each other everywhere but i just made the stupid decision of going back and looking at his cat’s instagram account. I miss his cat. Now i’m really upset.

Hey guys,

I went through a very traumatic experience recently and i made some bad decisions while coping with my trauma that pushed a lot of people in my life away. In a few months I will be moving abroad for a fresh start, and I’m really nervous. I would love to meet some people and hopefully make some genuine friendships on here to talk about anything. I love travelling, nature, i’m a big film nerd and I love the gym, dancing and learning new languages. if anyone is looking for something similar i’d love to chat!

My sexually abusive ex was my first everything, and after i was finally able to leave, it took me a long time to acknowledge that i had been traumatised by what he did to me. I think one of the reasons it took me so long personally was that i didn’t have an aversion to sex. On the contrary, i became obsessed with it. I would get into situationships and if i wasn’t having sex with them, i would be sexting them daily and masturbating and fantasising about seeing them again.

Over time, sex became harder, not because i didn’t like it or want it but because i would often get deeply sad afterwards. I started taking better care of myself, moved in with my family and started therapy.

I’m dealing with a very fresh breakup. I opened up to him (vaguely, because i still don’t feel comfortable talking about specifics) from the beginning about my trauma. He was very supportive. Sex with him was amazing and he loved how wild i was, but that sadness was hard for him to deal with. I don’t think he understood how low my lows could get. Things ended badly and I don’t want to shame myself but I do believe it was my fault. I never wanted to make him uncomfortable and i know it was heavy for him to see me like that.

I’ve come to accept that i need to be celibate, but i know it’s gonna be hard for me. My ex preyed on my innocence. I want to be able to enjoy sex in a healthy way and i know that’s not possible for me right now. If anyone has dealt with something similar, some words of advice or support would be appreciated.

Weed is the only thing that has ever helped me sleep, no medication has ever helped. Even strong shit i feel like it has no effect on me. Weed has been making me very paranoid and anxious and i plan to stop, but i’m scared of the first few sleepless nights. Any advice?

I lost my virginity a few years ago to a man that was much older than me. I was incredibly insecure and was attracted to how much he seemed to like me and make me feel wanted. I was particularly innocent for my age, and when he found out I was a virgin, he became incredibly possessive of me. My self-worth was so low that i agreed to do many things with him that i was not comfortable with, and over time he started becoming manipulative and aggressive and the things he did to me are still really hard for me to talk about.

It took me a long time to find the courage to leave, and even longer to acknowledge what had happened to me and that i needed help. I learnt that i needed to use my body and my sexuality to keep people around. I didn’t do hookups/one-night stands because i became too attached to the people i slept with, but there was a period of me making really bad decisions within casual relationships with men who did not respect me, and my self-worth was still too low compared to my desire to feel chosen.

Once i was finally able to acknowledge that i had trauma from what was done to me, i moved to a city that felt safer for me, and decided to focus on healing myself. However, i also decided to go on the apps, and i matched with a guy who i was really interested in, who happened to have the same name as my ex.

This was heavy for me at the beginning. Before i ever met him i had panic attacks triggered by this name, but i decided that i should not let my ex get in the way of what i really thought could be a good connection. But i’m still really afraid of my ex so this was hard for me.

This guy and i ended up dating on-and-off for less than a year. One thing that was really hard for me was that after sex, i often get really sad, and i tried to explain to him in general terms what had happened to me, but i didn’t want to tell him about the name, which made it much worse with him than with men i had been with in the past. Unfortunately my trauma started to come in the way of my relationship with this guy more and more, till the breaking point when i had a terrible breakdown that made him never want to see me again.

I lost my shit after this. I bombarded him with texts and calls completely humiliating myself, going as far as to offer to “show him how sorry i was” until he blocked me everywhere. The thought of him hating me is too much for me to handle. I’m realising my issues are more present than i thought.

I’m now celibate and it’s hard because i am extremely sexual and have a high libido but i can’t have a healthy relationship with sex so it’s for the best. i don’t know when i will ever be able to date again, if ever, and it’s a terrifying thing to think about.

I guess I just wanted to vent, but any wisdom would be appreciated.

Dated a man with the same name as my abuser/ex

I lost my virginity a few years ago to a man that was much older than me. I was incredibly insecure and was attracted to how much he seemed to like me and make me feel wanted. I was particularly innocent for my age, and when he found out I was a virgin, he became incredibly possessive of me. My self-worth was so low that i agreed to do many things with him that i was not comfortable with, and over time he started becoming manipulative and aggressive and the things he did to me are still really hard for me to talk about.

It took me a long time to find the courage to leave, and even longer to acknowledge what had happened to me and that i needed help. I learnt that i needed to use my body and my sexuality to keep people around. I didn’t do hookups/one-night stands because i became too attached to the people i slept with, but there was a period of me making really bad decisions within casual relationships with men who did not respect me, and my self-worth was still too low compared to my desire to feel chosen.

Once i was finally able to acknowledge that i had trauma from what was done to me, i moved to a city that felt safer for me, and decided to focus on healing myself. However, i also decided to go on the apps, and i matched with a guy who i was really interested in, who happened to have the same name as my ex.

This was heavy for me at the beginning. Before i ever met him i had panic attacks triggered by this name, but i decided that i should not let my ex get in the way of what i really thought could be a good connection. But i’m still really afraid of my ex so this was hard for me.

This guy and i ended up dating on-and-off for less than a year. One thing that was really hard for me was that after sex, i often get really sad, and i tried to explain to him in general terms what had happened to me, but i didn’t want to tell him about the name, which made it much worse with him than with men i had been with in the past. Unfortunately my trauma started to come in the way of my relationship with this guy more and more, till the breaking point when i had a terrible breakdown that made him never want to see me again.

I lost my shit after this. I bombarded him with texts and calls completely humiliating myself, going as far as to offer to “show him how sorry i was” until he blocked me everywhere. The thought of him hating me is too much for me to handle. I’m realising my issues are more present than i thought.

I’m now celibate and it’s hard because i am extremely sexual and have a high libido but i can’t have a healthy relationship with sex so it’s for the best. i don’t know when i will ever be able to date again, if ever, and it’s a terrifying thing to think about.

I guess I just wanted to vent, but any wisdom would be appreciated.

I lost my virginity a few years ago to a man that was much older than me. I was incredibly insecure and was attracted to how much he seemed to like me and make me feel wanted. I was particularly innocent for my age, and when he found out I was a virgin, he became incredibly possessive of me. My self-worth was so low that i agreed to do many things with him that i was not comfortable with, and over time he started becoming manipulative and aggressive and the things he did to me are still really hard for me to talk about.

It took me a long time to find the courage to leave, and even longer to acknowledge what had happened to me and that i needed help. I learnt that i needed to use my body and my sexuality to keep people around. I didn’t do hookups/one-night stands because i became too attached to the people i slept with, but there was a period of me making really bad decisions within casual relationships with men who did not respect me, and my self-worth was still too low compared to my desire to feel chosen.

Once i was finally able to acknowledge that i had trauma from what was done to me, i moved to a city that felt safer for me, and decided to focus on healing myself. However, i also decided to go on the apps, and i matched with a guy who i was really interested in, who happened to have the same name as my ex.

This was heavy for me at the beginning. Before i ever met him i had panic attacks triggered by this name, but i decided that i should not let my ex get in the way of what i really thought could be a good connection. But i’m still really afraid of my ex so this was hard for me.

This guy and i ended up dating on-and-off for less than a year. One thing that was really hard for me was that after sex, i often get really sad, and i tried to explain to him in general terms what had happened to me, but i didn’t want to tell him about the name, which made it much worse with him than with men i had been with in the past. Unfortunately my trauma started to come in the way of my relationship with this guy more and more, till the breaking point when i had a terrible breakdown that made him never want to see me again.

I lost my shit after this. I bombarded him with texts and calls completely humiliating myself, going as far as to offer to “show him how sorry i was” until he blocked me everywhere. The thought of him hating me is too much for me to handle. I’m realising my issues are more present than i thought.

I’m now celibate and it’s hard because i am extremely sexual and have a high libido but i can’t have a healthy relationship with sex so it’s for the best. i don’t know when i will ever be able to date again, if ever, and it’s a terrifying thing to think about.

I guess I just wanted to vent, but any wisdom would be appreciated.

I lost my virginity in my early twenties to a man fifteen years older than me. I was incredibly insecure and was attracted to how much he seemed to like me and make me feel wanted. I was particularly innocent for my age, and when he found out I was a virgin, he became incredibly possessive of me. My self-worth was so low that i agreed to do many things with him that i was not comfortable with, and over time he started becoming manipulative and aggressive and the things he did to me are really hard for me to talk about.

It took me a long time to find the courage to leave, and even longer to acknowledge what had happened to me and that i needed help. I learned that i needed to use my body and my sexuality to keep people around. I didn’t sleep around and do hookups/one-night stands because i became too attached to the people i slept with, but there was a period of me making really bad decisions within casual relationships with men who did not respect my boundaries, and my self-worth was still too low compared to my desire to feel chosen.

Once i was finally able to acknowledge that i had trauma from what was done to me, i took a step back from dating, moved to a city that felt safer for me, and decided to focus on healing myself. However, i also decided to go on the apps, and i matched with a guy who i was really interested in, who happened to have the same name as my ex.

I was really nervous about this. Before i ever met him i had panic attacks triggered by this name, but i decided that i should not let my ex get in the way of what i really thought could be a good connection.

This guy and i ended up dating on-and-off for less than a year. One thing that was really hard for me was that after sex, i often get really sad, and i tried to explain to him in general terms what had happened to me, but i didn’t want to tell him the detail about the name, which made it much worse with him than with men i had been with in the past. Unfortunately my fear and trauma started to come in the way of my relation with this guy more and more, till the breaking point when i had a terrible breakdown that made him never want to see me again.

I’m now celibate and it’s hard because i am extremely sexual and have a high libido but i can’t have a healthy relationship with sex so it’s for the best. i don’t know when i will ever be able to date again, if ever, and it’s a terrifying thing to think about.