u/CertainSalary7003

Hi, I'm 17 now and when I was 13-14 I hurt people in horrible ways due to my own sexualization and trauma. A younger sibling to be exact. I stopped somewhere at 14 and apologized and explained the disgusting actions I've done and he has forgiven me multiple times. Now I'm 17 and I'm still haunted by it, even though he still forgives me and has made successful efforts to move on.

I still feel like a disgusting monster, and my parents don't support therapy at all and it's been getting harder for me to stop feeling that way. I've been trying for months now with no success, I can't go anywhere therapy related outside, at least not yet without my brother tagging along and my dad following me closely, and I can't go to my school, they'd notify my parents.

Slowly I've been trying to forgive myself, if that's even justified, but when I do regular, normal stuff, sometimes I feel like I'm still a disgusting person because I'm not constantly looking for therapy like I used to. I'm not hurting anyone and I'm just enjoying my time but I feel terrible and lazy. Do I deserve to feel like this. Am I a horrible person or any of these things?

Reenacted cocsa based off of my own victimization from a cousin. I was 13-14 and I was 8-9 when I was victimized. The person I hurt was 3-4 years younger, I stopped at later 14 and apologized, he forgave me multiple times and wants me to move on with him. It haunts me to the point I've been panic posting for half a year. Maybe my life is over.

I've been desperately looking for therapy. I've tried almost everything but it would either be a danger to me or alert my parents, I heavily suspect I have ocd of some sort and even making these posts is risking me of being caught by my parents. I can't continue with my plans at this point of time because it'll be high risk low reward, and if im not posting or doing that then I feel like a monster that does not deserve to relax or self care.

Reenacted cocsa based off of my own victimization from a cousin. I was 13-14 and I was 8-9 when I was victimized. The person I hurt was 3-4 years younger, I stopped at later 14 and apologized, he forgave me multiple times and wants me to move on with him. It haunts me to the point I've been panic posting for half a year. Maybe my life is over.

I've been desperately looking for therapy. I've tried almost everything but it would either be a danger to me or alert my parents, I heavily suspect I have ocd of some sort and even making these posts is risking me of being caught by my parents. I can't continue with my plans at this point of time because it'll be high risk low reward, and if im not posting or doing that then I feel like a monster that does not deserve to relax or self care.

Reenacted cocsa based off of my own victimization from a cousin. I was 13-14 and I was 8-9 when I was victimized. The person I hurt was 3-4 years younger, I stopped at later 14 and apologized, he forgave me multiple times and wants me to move on with him. It haunts me to the point I've been panic posting for half a year. Maybe my life is over.

long story short i was on both sides of cocsa, reenacting on my brother based off of what happened to me and what was encouraged by an older cousin when i was 8-9. And I reenacted based off reenacted at 13-14. Me and my bro had a 3-4 age difference, it ramped down a lot when i was 14 and at late 14 I apologized, explained everything and stopped. He forgave me multiple times and he still does but I still feel like a disgusting abuser or predator. Millions of people have told me I'm not but I always mix it up as them lying to me or it being invalid despite the information being right there.

Twitter has a lot to do with it as well, I've heard violent back and fourths there and I'm scared that I may be the very things I hate. I'm very ashamed to say it and it makes me a dumbass but if someone told me to jump on twitter theres a 7/20 % chance i'd do it.

I've been looking for therapy with no real luck so far, it needs to be online, free, and with no interaction from my parents at all. They don't believe in therapy, when they found that I was talking about feeling like a monster they said I had a demon in me and when I confessed about what happened between me and my cousin that lead to it when I was little, they didn't believe me.

Again, so far no luck, I think I have some sort of OCD but I have no proof because I've never been to a therapist, so I'm afraid to even cope that way without being a fraud. I feel like a fraud and a giant monster like all the horrible people I hear of online are. Is there any hope?

I've been in my own little profile running in circles, rambling about the horrible shit I did, and it's starting to get me hooked on checking that little profile. And now I'm getting recommended nothing but exposure docs and that sort of thing because I reenacted trauma over being a sexualized child (13-1 y/o cocsa stuff). But at the same time, don't I deserve to be cancelled and killed on twitter? I'm probably just another Zeal or something like that maybe. Am I a monster?

Last time talking about this

Suddenly remembering the drama and looked into it, I see that souldrivenlove has done some horrible, messed-up stuff. But the whole CP sharing stuff was from when he was 13-14, not a whole adult or anything like that.

I suppose I'm worried because I deal with heavy, almost obsessive guilt over my past. I've done horrible FUCKED UP shit as a kid, granted I've apologized to anyone I've hurt and made amends, and well.. Didn't send nudes of anyone to people two years after receiving them. I supposed I feel just as bad despite my efforts to grow or my realization that I was just a kid.

https://x.com/souldrivenliar/status/1924959846077493699

Suddenly remembering the drama and looked into it, I see that Soul has done some horrible, messed-up stuff. But the whole CP sharing stuff was from when he was 13-14, not a whole adult or anything like that.

I suppose I'm worried because I deal with heavy, almost obsessive guilt over my past. I've done horrible FUCKED UP shit as a kid, granted I've apologized to anyone I've hurt and made amends, and well.. Didn't send nudes of anyone to people two years after receiving them. I supposed I feel just as bad despite my efforts to grow or my realization that I was just a kid.