u/CheekySelkath

I'm back again, however humorous that might be. I think this will be my last attempt - I mainly want to know if things are progressing in the right direction, finally. Attempt 11 is here

More than anything, I want to know if I've finally cracked making Magalan an active participant in the story. Anything else is welcomed to be pointed out.

If its helpful to know (as I've pointed out before) the query letter will come with a synopsis attached, as is the norm in my country, so I'm not trying to get bogged down in the finer details of, for instance, what a 'grisly magic system' is beyond the mention in paragraph 5.

Also, I don't need it pointed out that 12 attempts warrants a look into the manuscript or to push it aside, I'm aware of these facts.

Thanks again for sticking around, and thank you enormously for any feedback that is given.

Query:

Dear [AGENT],

I’m writing to seek representation for my first novel, TYRANTLAND, a 110,000-word fantasy novel inspired by the history and culture of Congo-Kinshasa. It is a standalone novel, with series potential, that combines the anti-colonial fantasy of C.L. Clark’s The Faithless with a grisly magic system like that in K. M. Enright’s Mistress of Lies.

In the blink of an eye, Okessio Magalan’s life is upended. His legendary winning streak at the card table is snatched away by a humiliating deception he recognizes only too late.

Magalan is a Markiman, a second-class citizen across the nation, and unwilling to give up on the life of fame and luxury that few Markimen can attain. The only person who can restore it, however, is the man who defeated him: influential explorer Carel De Vilaume. Vilaume offers to help Magalan reclaim his former life if he joins him on a dangerous expedition to a distant colony, where they will seek an ancient magic capable of curing Vilaume’s mysterious ailment.

But in the land of the Markimen, Magalan refuses to ignore the brutality he witnesses. His criticisms antagonize Vilaume and attract the attention of the powerful tyrants who wield control over the colony. Determined not to jeopardize his chance at returning home, Magalan continues to support Vilaume on his journey, even as he learns that nothing is as he was told; Vilaume is not just another explorer to the colony, and the cure is far more than simple medicine.

When Magalan’s investigation leads to an attack on their airship, he embraces the colony’s most ancient – and bloody – magic to survive. Vilaume sees Magalan’s newfound powers as a means of seizing the cure by force, but Magalan refuses to harm the Indigenous people who have supported him; so Vilaume betrays him to the colonizers to gain a head start on the cure.

Rescued by his Indigenous allies, Magalan learns that Vilaume is the progenitor of the colony’s submission – and that the cure, capable of far more than healing one man’s disease, will never be given willingly. Burdened with his new magic, Magalan sets out to stop Vilaume from reaching it. If he fails, the cultures, languages, and friends he has encountered will fall under the control of a rejuvenated explorer with a long history of choosing profit over peace.

It may cost Magalan his only way home, but the path is clear – Vilaume must be stopped, no matter the cost.

I graduated with from ____ in 2024. There, my academic focus in colonial and postcolonial literature helped me to assemble the first draft of ‘Tyrantland’ during my time teaching in ___ during 2025.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

OP

Critiques:

[3170] Chapter One, The Beautiful Vile

[843] The Knight Marches On

Hi all,

I know I'm back relatively quickly, but I believe I've redrafted chapter 2 for the better (if context is needed, chapter one can be found here ). Just looking for any comments once more, but I am eager to hear about the revisions to the card game, and how they now affect the flow of the reading.

Just as a note, one particular feedback suggested (from the first post of this chapter, found here ) that I perhaps shift some of chapter 3's content over to chapter 2. I've done that here, just to see how it works, but I wanted feedback on whether it is effective, or if chapter 2 can effectively end just before the #2.

Thank you for any feedback that is given, no matter how harsh!

TYRANTLAND - CHAPTER 2

(Note to mods: I got a note saying there has to be 48 hrs between posts, but my last post was 3 days ago, so this doesn't break the rules.)

Edit: incorrect ch1 link.

Critique:

[2851] Jimmy

(PREVIOUS: Tyrantland chapter 1 + critiques)

Tyrantland Chapter 1

Hi all,

Got some great feedback on chapter 1 and satisfied on where it's got to. I'm not planning to publish all the chapters on the web, almost certainly just 1-3 to help with my portfolio samples.

I'm not looking for anything specific, and the first chapter is not required reading, although it would certainly help, I feel, to give context. If there was anything I wanted to know, it would be the effectiveness of the card game in this segment, especially considering that previous feedback expressed the need to truncate my card sections in order to keep reader interest high.

Any other feedback is appreciate, thank you!

Tyrantland Chapter 2

Critiques:

[720] Nowadays

[1165] Epilogue, Literary Fiction

[2400] Mosaic Chapters

[3474] Testament to the Glowing East - The Father (1 of 2)

Revisions from an earlier post. I've taken down the old link, but you can find the feedback here.

I'm not necessarily looking for feedback on the success of applying my prior feedback, just anything that will help me out. Two key things I want to know about is the success of the meeting with the one-eared man, and if it creates a bizarre-enough effect (it's supposed to illicit more confusion and menace than anything else), and I want to know if the main character's characterisation is clear, with his goals and stakes more early known.

For the sake of clarity (as there are maps and a quote preceding this chapter), this takes place in a counter-world, not Earth, so feedback rooted in real-world history is not useful to me here.

Thank you for your time reviewing this. I appreciate all feedback, no matter how harsh.

Link to chapter 1

Critiques:

[1510] Lighthouse

[2672] The Village

[3434] The Lure

First time submitter here looking for feedback on the first chapter of my completed book. I'm especially interested in it's status as the opening - I'm concerned that, when submitting to agents and such, my first chapter (alongside the other two) isn't proving to fill the genre's boots enough because there's not a lot of magic or 'fantastical' elements at this stage, and I'd really like to avoid having a prologue, as I put one in and it went down about as well as a clown at a funeral.

For the sake of clarity (as there are maps and a quote preceding this chapter), this takes place in a counter-world, not Earth, so feedback rooted in real-world history is not useful to me here.

Thank you for your time reviewing this. I appreciate all feedback, no matter how harsh.

Tyrantland Chapter 1

Edit: Link

Back again. 9th attempt is here .

I'm up to 15 submissions, and although that's not a lot by any means, it's a little disheartening that all 15 have, so far been unresponsive. the most recent 3 are only 3 weeks old so they're not particularly at the forefront of my concerns, but I thought I'd use the time to check if there are any points of improvement on the current letter before I send out again.

I've also included my first 300 words this time around. As I've never done that before, feedback would be appreciated.

As always, super grateful for any feedback overall.

#

Dear [Agent],

I’m writing to seek representation for my first novel, TYRANTLAND, a 115,000-word non-Western fantasy novel inspired by the history and culture of Congo-Kinshasa. It is a standalone novel, with series potential, that combines the anti-colonial fantasy of C.L. Clark’s The Faithless with a grisly magic system like that in K. M. Enright’s Mistress of Lies.

To Okessio Magalan, his legendary streak of wins at the card table is down to skill. To the explorer Carel De Vilaume however, it is the product of transcendent luck; a power he needs in his latest expedition to find a cure to his mysterious disease.

Magalan has no interest in participating – until his next game is seemingly rigged by Vilaume. With his celebrity lifestyle in tatters, Magalan readily agrees to be Vilaume’s vassal of luck, on the condition his prior manner of living is restored following the expedition. With the terms agreed, Magalan is whisked away to the far-off colony where the cure is found.

But Magalan can’t shake the feeling that his ignorance is being taken advantage of. He’s never been to the land of the Markimen, despite being one, and can’t work out why Vilaume needs luck; the explorer knows exactly what the cure is, and where to find it. Vilaume chalks up the concerns to inexperience, but the mutterings of the Markimen tell a different story – one where the explorer is cruel and desperate, and progenitor of the colony’s subjugation.

Soon, they are battling despotic barons and desperate Indigenous fighters reliant on costly ancient magics in an effort to reach the cure.  Magalan must walk a diplomatic line between his only way home and oppressed natives that look just like him if he intends to retain his life and his morality; but being neutral in the face of oppression is a lesson he will learn comes with grave consequences.

‘Tyrantland’ is my first completed novel. I graduated with a BA in English from ___ in _. There, my academic focus in colonial and postcolonial literature helped me to assemble the first draft of ‘Tyrantland’ during my time teaching in ____ during 2025.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

#

(First 300 words, from my prologue)

The lone koloniser would’ve been an easy kill.

The man was loud when he leapt over tree roots, and unsightly clambering through tangles of vines; like a blind, fearful beast. Though the midnight foliage had done it’s best to hide him, he remained an unmissable presence for the two I’Gon warriors in pursuit.

All I’d need is a kpinga knife, Avako thought, as he watched his prey throw himself over a boulder. He could’ve hurled the blade through the darkness, letting it spin into the koloniser’s back. He could have done it alone.

But that was not their goal.

Ahead of the two I’Gons, the koloniser launched himself into a shallow river, screaming to be left alone as he waded across to the opposing bank of mud.

“We are close!” Tebi hissed in High I’Gon, a moment before his foot hit the water. The distinctly avian diction of his words cut through the splashing of Avako, who had leapt further ahead.

“To what?” Avako hoisted Tebi up onto the bank before picking up speed again. “This man may know nothing.”

They were soon fangcats once more, nimbly bounding through the undergrowth, closing the distance.

Avako pushed around a tree trunk, and caught a glimpse of the koloniser’s battered frock coat. “He’s tiring I think -”

Crack.

A bullet ripped through the vine closest to Avako, splitting it with a force so violent it shredded into ribbons.

At once, the animals of the jungle entered a screaming chorus.

“Tebi?” Avako shouted over the noise.

“I’m fine.” The other I’Gon reappeared from the shadows. “It’s dark; he is too far to make an accurate shot.”

“For now.” Avako looked around. The koloniser’s coat had once again disappeared. “Come, let’s move on before he is too far to hear.”

The two bolted.

Edit: preserve anonymity

Hi all, recently took the dive and rebuilt my childhood collection, which included a lot of splitscreen games I used to play with my brother like Halo Reach, Fable 3, etc.

Alongside those, I've been trying to build up a collection of party games since that's what my partner enjoys the most (stuff like Mario Kart and Overcooked, if the comparison helps), but so far all I've got is the London 2012 Olympic Tie-in, and some Lego games which, although fun, are getting old fast.

What are some other party-style games that I should pick up?

Attempt number 9. 8 can be found here. I've done my best to take feedback on all iterations of this query.

I'll be unsurprised if it's more of the same, but I definitely feel like 8-9 was a big leap. I'm grateful for any feedback given.

#

Dear [Agent],

I’m writing to seek representation for my first novel, TYRANTLAND, a 115,000 non-western fantasy novel inspired by the history and culture of Congo-Kinshasa. TYRANTLAND combines the anti-colonial fantasy of C.L. Clark’s The Faithless with a grisly magic system like that in K. M. Enright’s Mistress of Lies.

To Okessio Magalan, his legendary streak of wins at the card table is down to skill. To the explorer Carel De Vilaume however, it is the product of transcendent luck; a power he needs for his latest expedition, in search of a cure to his mysterious curse.

Magalan has no interest in participating – until a rigged game leaves his celebrity lifestyle in tatters, and De Vilaume pledges to restore it upon retrieving the cure. Promised a leisurely role as De Vilaume’s vassal of luck, Magalan is whisked away to the far-off colony where the cure is found.

But Magalan can’t shake the feeling that his ignorance is an asset to the explorer. He’s never been to the land of the Markimen, despite being one himself, and can’t work out why De Vilaume needs luck when he’s been to the cure’s sanctuary before. The explorer chalks it up to inexperience, but reactions to their arrival tell a different story – one where De Vilaume is cruel and desperate, and progenitor of the colony’s subjugation.

Soon, they are contending with psychotic barons and desperate Indigenous fighters reliant on costly ancient magics in an effort to reach the cure. Magalan is intent on walking a diplomatic line between his only way home and oppressed natives that look just like him, but nobody can be neutral in the face of oppression; for Magalan, that is a lesson that will come with grave consequences.

‘Tyrantland’ is my first novel, and is intended to be the first in a series. I graduated with a BA in English from ___ in ___. There, my academic focus in colonial and postcolonial literature helped me to assemble the first draft of ‘Tyrantland’ during my time teaching in ___ during 2025.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

name

I guess I have no idea what I'm doing since I'm still here 8 attempts later. Number 7 can be found here .

Whatever I try doesn't work and I expect there's more of the same, but as always, I'm grateful for anyone who takes the time to feedback and critique this.

#

Dear AGENT NAME,

I am seeking representation for my debut novel TYRANTLAND, a fantasy complete at 111,000 words. It follows Okessio Magalan, a gambler forced onto a brutal expedition where survival - and reclaiming the life he once had – depend on outwitting the sadistic explorer behind his downfall. This book will appeal to readers of contemporary fantasy critiquing colonialism and race such as Babel by R.F. Kuang and The Faithless by C.L. Clark.

Bound into indentured servitude by a contract created through trickery, Okessio Magalan is given a choice; serve on his new master Carel De Vilaume’s final expedition, or be thrown in prison for disobeying what he signed.

The decision is obvious for Magalan; Vilaume’s cruel abusiveness is a small price to pay for a return to his old life of leisure and simplicity. What’s less clear is his purpose on the expedition – Magalan is a card player, not an explorer like Vilaume; he’s never even been to the land of the Markimen, despite being one himself.

Vilaume promises a simple role of benign servitude, and tells him that their destination is an ancient sanctuary, where Vilaume hopes to cure his mysterious ailment. Only later does he reveal that the sanctuary’s Markimen guardians resent him for opening their country to colonial rule, or that he plans to share the fortified location with ruthless colonizers, who seek the closely-guarded magics within.

With the truth revealed, Magalan knows throwing in with the oppressed Markimen is the right thing to do. But deciding to help and helping are two different things – especially when you come from the country of the colonisers, and you’re closely followed in an airship by an explorer driven maddeningly violent by his desperate search.

‘Tyrantland’ is my first novel, and is intended to be the first in a series. A UK-born resident, I graduated with a BA in English from ___ in ___. There, my academic focus in colonial and postcolonial literature helped me to assemble the first draft of ‘Tyrantland’ during my time teaching in ___ during 2025.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

name

I've reset the numbering to 1st for a variety of reasons that will become obvious. For bookkeeping purposes, my previous attempt can be found here

I'm looking for feedback specific to the UK Market. If this isn't the place for it, I would be extremely grateful for directions to an appropriate location/subreddit.

I'm coming off a batch of 7 pitches to UK agents, (sent on the 22/23rd April) and so far I've gotten radio silence. I'm a bit disappointed of course, but I've come back, added a prologue that I think might hook them better, and a rewritten query pitch letter.

Title feedback is also appreciated since I've finally settled on one.

Thanks for any feedback!

Query pitch:

Dear AGENT NAME,

I’m writing to seek representation for my debut novel ‘Tyrantland’, a fantasy complete at 115,000 words. It follows Okessio Magalan, a shunned gambler forced into a brutal expedition to a mystical land where survival - and reclaiming his illustrious career - depend on outwitting the sadistic explorer behind his downfall. This book will appeal to readers of non-western fantasy enriched with an unusual magic system such as The Poet Empress by Shen Tao and The Faithless by C.L. Clark.

For the discriminated Markiman, status is hard-won – and easily taken away. That’s why it matters so much to card player Okessio Magalan, and why, when he’s forced into indentured servitude by a ruthless explorer, he’ll do anything to get it back.

The explorer promises a simple path to freedom: travel with him to a distant colony in search of a mysterious cure. Only later does he reveal the magicians guarding the cure despise him for opening their country to colonial rule, and that the tyrants pillaging the land seek the cure for themselves.

On arrival, the mission collapses into a brutal fight for survival, exposing the explorer’s ruthless determination and the lengths the land will go to stop him. Torn between sympathy for the natives’ suffering and his longing to return home, Magalan is forced to confront how far he is willing to follow the explorer into the depths of his violent desperation.

‘Tyrantland’ is my first novel, and is intended to be the first in a series. A UK-born resident, I graduated with a BA in English from ____ in ___. There, my academic focus in colonial and postcolonial literature helped me to assemble the first draft of ‘Tyrantland’ during my time teaching in ____ during 2025.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

OP