How can I be a better mom? Resentment
BACKGROUND:
I (33 F) was the primary parent for 10 years. Then my mother (59 F) unexpectedly died from a heart attack, and around the same time I became seriously ill with Lyme disease and chronic halitosis. For those unfamiliar, this isn’t “morning breath.” It’s severe, room-filling odor that causes people to gag, cough, avoid me, etc. I’ve spent the last year working with doctors trying to find the root cause and treatment.
The condition has affected every area of my life, including work. I’ve had trouble maintaining employment because people become uncomfortable around me. Between constant medical appointments, financial instability, and grief after losing my mom, I made an incredibly difficult decision: I asked my son’s father (32 M) to become the primary residence parent so our son could have more stability while I focused on getting healthy.
That decision nearly destroyed me emotionally. I spent close to a year thinking it over, making pros/cons lists, crying over it, and questioning myself. But I genuinely believed I was doing what was best for my child long-term.
CONFLICT:
The day the parenting roles changed, everything changed.
My co-parent began blocking contact, withholding visitation, making accusations, and involving our son in adult conflict. The situation escalated to the point where police issued a Cease to Harass warning after I showed them messages and documentation. For about 2.5 months, I did not see my child.
Some of the texts included things like:
“You suck all the intelligent oxygen out of everywhere you go…”
“Oh, are you going to act like a real mother now?”
There was much more. At our first hearing, the judge actually read many of the messages out loud and heavily reprimanded my co-parent. The court ordered parenting time to resume.
When I attempted pickup afterward, my son suddenly claimed he was uncomfortable seeing me and repeated things that sounded very similar to his father’s language. I stayed calm and did not react emotionally in front of him.
The following week, during another pickup attempt, my son’s stepbrother drove aggressively toward my vehicle, parked directly in front of me, got out recording me while mocking and gesturing, and then my son came out and joined in. Police were called on me for being a “suspicious woman recording children,” despite the fact that I was there for court-ordered parenting time. I ended up showing the responding officers my court order, messages, and recordings because the gaslighting had become so intense that I genuinely felt scared and unsafe.
After that interaction with police, the attitude from the household shifted significantly and parenting time resumed more normally.
CURRENT ISSUE:
Things have mostly stabilized recently. Today, however, my co-parent asked if I would give up my scheduled weekend so my son’s stepbrother could take him paintballing.
I declined because:
- I already had birthday plans scheduled.
- The request was last-minute.
- I’m still struggling emotionally with the prior incidents involving public mocking, recording, intimidation, and what I feel was encouragement for my son to disrespect me.
I responded that I would appreciate accountability/apologies before expecting flexibility from me moving forward.
How do you move forward and co-parent civilly with people you feel deeply hurt and destabilized by, especially when your child was pulled into the conflict? I’ve been able to hold it together but 2 times I’ve let that resentment slip out of me. I hate it.