u/Common_Sea6288

For context both me and my partner are lesbians and have been together for 2 1/2 years. I am trying to figure out some words for it but words fail to describe the depth of my love for them. Which is why my current struggles are leading me to deal with wild amounts of guilt and confusion.

I'm going to discuss their dysphoria here, particularly around their chest so if that's not the vibe you're trying to read about I just wanna put that out there. I am sorry if this sub is not a good place for this (if so lmk, i'll delete) but I legitimately have no idea where else would be. A regular lesbian subreddit can be super transphobic. I am just having a super difficult time emotionally with this and need to at least write about it but ideally get someone's thoughts.

On our second date my partner mentioned not being cool with their chest and wanting it to not be at all a part of our sex life. For the entirety of our relationship this has been fine, because why wouldn't it be? We have discussed the possibility of me having thoughts on the matter twice ever and these conversations were initiated by them. My goal was to reassure. I remember telling them "I love you 100x more than I care about titties." And I meant that and still mean it. Which again...guilt and confusion.

A few days ago while we were mid sex my partner took their shirt off with nothing underneath. It was more of a logistical thing...their shirt was wet. But I just kind of instinctively looked away. Then they just say "it's okay" and I had no idea what that meant. Again, we just don't talk about this. I never felt a need to. But in that moment I felt turned on in a way that I didn't really know I could be. That lasted probably one second before I left the room and started crying out of shame. Which obviously resulted in both of us feeling pretty awful.

I haven't *not* thought about boobs in two years. I definitely still like them. And right now I hate that about myself. I've started feeling a lot of sexual frustration that definitely impacts my emotional stability. We tried having a conversation after it happened (which only made things worse) and it seems like the only real way for me to deal with that is opening up our relationship for a bit. I don't want to do that. I don't want anyone but them. But following this situation my thoughts are overwhelming. It breaks my heart to feel like lust could impact the longevity of our relationship. I get if there's no advice really to give. Sorry for the dump.

Usually I would go to Howard Brown for this but they don't have any appointments available and I need to go today. Is anyone aware of any alternatives?

you can disable the theme! this is totally not related to any recent conversations on the subreddit :)

edit: instructions !!

profile -> hamburger/3 line menu -> preferences -> seasonal events 🥰

my partner (Black) and I (white) were watching survivor. one of the players is getting called out for taking his food for granted and not eating all of his chicken off the bone. my partner said it's not his fault because "that's just how white people eat chicken". i investigated this comment and found out that I too, depending on my level of hunger, eat chicken wrong. this is legit the funniest thing ever to me and we've been laughing about it for a minute now. i guess im too scared of the bones 😞 i need to show the chicken who's boss

i identified as bisexual much longer than i've identified as a lesbian. when i was out as bi, I never had any issues interacting with lesbians. and i often felt alienated by bi women around me as none of them actually seemed to care about being queer (it wasn't the best sample of people, i've since met plenty of queer af bi ppl). realizing i was a lesbian was so wonderful. but explained a lot about why I felt so isolated through life. i love my bisexual friends but this feeling is something they do not understand, and not from lack of explanation. and the thousands of bi women going "exactly" on that duhparis video has me feeling super disconnected. maybe it's because i was a lesbian to begin with but while identifying as bi I never felt this disconnected/disheartened by lesbians.

i get that not every bisexual woman is the same. if i were to meet a woman and crush on her, it would be ridiculous to turn her down just bc i found out she was bi. But at this point ive only crushed on lesbians anyway because romantically i think i need that ability to relate with a partner. i love dykes! but a lot of people seem to think that's phobic right now and i'm worried there's something i'm not seeing.

I'm accepting a lot about the ways in which my addiction has changed who I am. I think the biggest thing is that I used to be a caretaker type. I was hard working and I did that for others. I went above and beyond for my friends/partner and thought about them all the time. Then eventually, after my smoking had been out of control for a while, I realized I didn't care anymore. Like, not even a little bit. People used to be what I loved about life but I don't find myself caring/thinking about anyone ever anymore. My friend has a graduation party in a couple of weeks that I just don't care about despite truly wanting to. Has anyone else experienced something like this? I am on day 4 of sobriety right now and the idea that I will just be an apathetic asshole for the rest of my life is really sad to think about.