u/CommunicationOk5360

You are everywhere. But you aren’t (in another city - not 💀 y’all).
You are physically not here, but the ghosts of all of memories haunt me. Today I had to take a street that I had to drive on the first time I came to your house, when I followed you to your house; and when I realized where I was, the memories from that day flooded my brain. I don’t go to the group events anymore because it’s too painful. It’s not the same anymore. And when I’m there, I feel like a shell of my old self.
I minimize my time with mutual friends because they still talk about you and I feel like I don’t have a right to contribute to the conversation so I look down and get quiet until the subject changes. I don’t remember ever struggling this much over the loss of a friend. But I tried. Way too hard. Maybe that’s why this has dragged on and I’ve had so much difficulty.
I hate this and I am so exhausted from fighting the ghosts, and feeling so broken. You broke me. Or maybe I broke myself.

I spent hours today scouring Reddit, wondering if maybe you’d left a message somewhere. How silly of me.
I cried reading posts from people who had hurt someone and didn’t know how to reach out. They wrote vague, anonymous messages, hoping the person they’d hurt would somehow recognize them and know the words were meant for them. They asked them to call, text, or email, never realizing that the person they hurt, left, or ghosted would probably never believe they were the intended recipient.
And even if they suspected the message might be for them, they probably wouldn’t respond. They couldn’t risk putting their heart on the line again. They couldn’t risk the humiliation or the heartache.
So if you’re out there doing the same, I won’t believe it’s you unless you contact me directly.
So, in case you’re looking too, here’s an obvious message:
“I think I’ve seen this film before. And I didn’t like the ending.” But I wouldn’t trade the rest of it for anything.
And also, I’m sorry I didn’t number this long message for you.
And if you want to talk, you know how to find me. But it’s not here, in this echo chamber.
I wouldn’t shame you. I’m still here, and I’m still me. The person you’ve known so well and who has loved you deeply. ❤️‍🩹
But I’m pretty sure I’ll never hear from you again, here or in real life.
Just know, as I’m sure you already do because I’ve been clear, this was never my decision.

PS. I heard a song the other day I thought you’d like, it made me so sad that I couldn’t send it. I miss the little things like that. And you.
🤍,
Brightness

To go from being someone you said loved, someone you found charming to being someone you can just discard and forget…without a care in the world? This consumes me. And I am exhausted. I wish we had never met. I was fine before you. You came into my life and formed a strong bond with me. I loved you so deeply…and like a tornado you blew everything apart, not caring about the damage and destruction you left behind.

I have to get this down somewhere to stop the loop running through my brain. Invasive thoughts I can’t get away from.
I guess I don’t understand why. How you just stopped caring about me. How you just left and gave me no answers.
We were such good friends. Maybe too good of friends. Maybe we were too close and maybe that’s what ruined it all.
I keep replaying moments…of laughter, sharing food, drinks (how you would just pick up my beer and taste it without even asking), deep conversations, I love yous, hugs, etc…
You abandoned me and I know I reached out too much but I didn’t understand. And I wanted to fix it but I only made it worse. I was always kind (except the couple of times I lashed out - but still wasn’t mean or cruel, just hurt and frustrated).
And you knew…you had to know how deeply I was hurt. Yet you continued to ignore me and even came into my space that I own, without speaking to me. Granted, I didn’t speak to you either but I stopped going to shared spaces after you told me - in my own words - that we could be acquaintances. How did you expect me to be ok with that?
You had your going away party at my business so I had to see you there with mutual friends and you wouldn’t even look at me. I left as soon as I could since I had to be there for the other event. And I came home and cried for hours. I even took Xanax because I knew you would be there and still barely kept it together. And you know…those mutual “friends”, well they aren’t friends of mine. Clearly. Because no one spoke up and said “this isn’t ok” or “maybe you should do this elsewhere”. No, they came and they celebrated you, right in front of my face. Were you trying to hurt me even more? Or did you want to show me that you don’t care?
I could swim in the river of tears that I’ve cried. I’m so tired. And I’m stuck in this never ending loop and you’ve moved and haven’t looked back. I loved you so much.
If you ever reached out, I would answer. Because I want to know why and how. This has taken a huge toll on my mental health.

Maybe tonight, you’re thinking of me too. Idk why but I think you are. I’m thinking of you too and I miss you.

How did you go from “you’re so charming” and wanting to be in my presence all the time to not wanting anything to do with me? All I did was tell you that you hurt me for not showing up on one the biggest days of my life like you said you would. And when you needed space after I shared that my feelings were hurt, I was so confused. What I should have said was “take all the space you need” and never looked back. But I was so caught off guard that I gave you time and then I practically begged for you to just talk to me. But I loved you so fucking much. And as I read what I’m writing I see how fucked up this is. And everything spiraled from there and I cry myself to sleep every night. Because you just…you were poor…gone. Without a word. And then you moved and didn’t say goodbye. You painted me as crazy bc I sent late messages expressing my feelings. I just wanted you to understand me and I wanted to fix it. And you know I don’t sleep and you know that it’s night when my thoughts consume me. But you made me out to be the problem.
Yet here I am still so heartbroken- no - maybe not heartbroken- I was heartbroken. But I still cry and struggle because this has fucked me up. And I can’t help but wonder what it is that’s wrong with me, why am I so easy to supposedly love and then walk away from. I’m just so tired. And fuck you for moving on with your life and leaving me here to hurt so much that I am just so broken. Sometimes it’s just hard to even breathe. It’d be so much easier to hate you and I wish I could.

How did you go from “you’re so charming” and wanting to be in my presence all the time to not wanting anything to do with me? All I did was tell you that you hurt me for not showing up on one the biggest days of my life like you said you would. And when you needed space after I shared that my feelings were hurt, I was so confused. What I should have said was “take all the space you need” and never looked back. But I was so caught off guard that I gave you time and then I practically begged for you to just talk to me. But I loved you so fucking much. And as I read what I’m writing I see how fucked up this is. And everything spiraled from there and I cry myself to sleep every night. Because you just…you were poor…gone. Without a word. And then you moved and didn’t say goodbye. You painted me as crazy bc I sent late messages expressing my feelings. I just wanted you to understand me and I wanted to fix it. And you know I don’t sleep and you know that it’s night when my thoughts consume me. But you made me out to be the problem.
Yet here I am still so heartbroken- no - maybe not heartbroken- I was heartbroken. But I still cry and struggle because this has fucked me up. And I can’t help but wonder what it is that’s wrong with me, why am I so easy to supposedly love and then walk away from. I’m just so tired. And fuck you for moving on with your life and leaving me here to hurt so much that I am just so broken. Sometimes it’s just hard to even breathe. It’d be so much easier to hate you and I wish I could.

I wish I hadn’t been so easy to discard. I can’t wrap my brain around how I went from meaning so much to you…to being nothing to you. And I genuinely miss you. So many times things have happened (typically funny) and oftentimes my first thought is to text you about it bc I know you’d think it’s funny too. But you don’t want to hear from me and then the whole thing then makes me sad. I know you think I’m crazy because I’ve tried so hard and sent so many messages. I just wanted you to understand me. I just wanted you to care. You just dipped and it fucked me up. I just wish you understood or cared how damaging the silence has been.

*edit - you’re not him. He’s not here looking for me. He knows where to find me if he wanted to talk. No need to DM.

Do you remember the night we sat outside at the brewery, having a deep conversation about life? You told me, “This isn’t a threat, but I can just cut people off.”

That same night, you randomly wrapped your arms around me and told me you loved me. It was unexpected but such a sweet moment. One I’ll never forget.

Our friendship was complicated, but I loved you deeply, and I think you loved me too. I don’t think you lied that night.

Looking back, I sometimes wonder if you already knew our friendship would end.

We were so close, so vulnerable with each other. It was an intimate friendship. Yet in the end, you made good on the “non-threat” and cut me off.

It’s left me broken in a way I can’t explain. You just left me, and your silence broke me.

And now you’re moving.

I’m on my own nerves for letting this hurt last so long. I don’t remember a day in the past eight months that I haven’t cried. And I’m so tired.

And hearing about your upcoming move…knowing there will be no goodbye, no reconciliation, no closure, has made it so much more difficult.

I’ve been carrying this sadness for so long that it’s started to feel like part of me.

Melancholy is the new me.

I don’t know about you all, but I’m fucking tired. I’m tired of caring, I’m tired of crying, I’m tired of even remembering this person even exists 40 thousand times a day. And I feel so ridiculous. I know at the end of the day that he is a shitty person, trauma be damned. We all have our trauma. Trust me, I have mine. He’s a goddamn adult and has chosen this because he’s a weak coward. He chose to avoid accountability. Btw I never ever talked to him this way. I’m just tired of feeling so broken. And even though logically I know he’s a piece of shit - it still hurts. Treating someone you say you care about this way (disappearing) - it’s just not ok.