I can’t accept my parents new home
Hello…I’m posting this here because I’m not sure which of my diagnoses is most responsible, and I still think but am not sure that I’m on the spectrum.
I’m 35 and just a mess….i should be in a place in life that I’m mature and not letting my feelings cause problems. But it’s not like that for us, is it? When I was 27 I was having an uncharacteristically healthy year. The prospect of my parents selling the house I grew up in came up and that year it seemed like no big deal to me. My life felt like it was taking off and I never was going to look back. I should have known myself better than that, but my ego was in the drivers seat that year, feeling like I had finally figured adulthood out and didn’t need anyone or anything from the past. I say I should have known myself better because I have struggled mentally since 17. I should have looked so much deeper into it than what I felt like I needed at that exact moment.
At 30 I had a pretty significant breakdown and haven’t made it back to that high point at 27. It’s been so long that I don’t have confidence I ever will. And in this vulnerable state and depressed state I deeply need familiarity to return to and I can’t believe I didn’t foresee that. For someone who is so neurodivergent that when I break something I try and replace it with the exact same thing, how did I not think that I would struggle to leave behind a home base? My parents remind me that I sort of brought this about since they asked me if I cared, and I said no. Mind you, I also had it in my head at the time that I wanted to be the mature adult daughter, and my ego wanted me to play that role cool and nonchalantly even though my parents really meant what they were asking me. Im their only child. But to me at the time being successful meant not needing the past or my hometown. It was all ego and I never really took the time to figure out how my heart felt. It’s all a lot more complicated than I can get into but in the end it would have been possible to keep the house and for them to still move to where they are now, but there’s no undoing it now that it’s sold.
It’s been a few years but I keep having dreams about the old house, and it keeps hitting me clearer and clearer after my grandparents died and their house was sold too that there is nowhere from my childhood that I can return to. I know that is fairly typical for a lot of people but I think as a very sensitive, mentally ill person it is affecting me differently.
I’m just visiting my parents new house for the first time and I did not expect the emotions that I’m having. I knew what I was walking into but It has triggered a full melt down and I feel very ashamed about it. My parents are happy here and I’m feeling sorry for myself? A few days ago I was at a baby shower for my cousin and felt the same way. I can be happy for these people, truly, but witnessing that happiness also reminds me how unhappy I am—uprooted, single for over a decade, without purpose or vision, just struggling, and it triggers deep despondency in me. It feels like until I find purpose and happiness in my life that I can’t be around family because I either bring them down or am wearing a mask and just not saying much so as to keep to myself just how poorly I’m doing