u/Consistent-Cancel273

Wife wants to separate, Ive tried everything to save it over the last 6 months. I burnt her out emotionally by trying. She would not give a straight answer on if we had a future.

I decided I couldnt take living in limbo, so I said we either start again from scratch or accept its over.

She chose the latter which didnt surprise me.

I accepted it, told her she needs to feel the weight of her decisions. Ive been acting politely indifferent and she has broken. She expected me to continue to chase. Think is, im done.

But truly, in heart im not and I hope she comes around.

Ive read holding the line like this is known as the 180 tactic. Has anyone actually saved a marriage doing it?

Wife wants to separate, Ive tried everything to save it over the last 6 months. I burnt her out emotionally by trying. She would not give a straight answer on if we had a future.

I decided I couldnt take living in limbo, so I said we either start again from scratch or accept its over.

She chose the latter which didnt surprise me.

I accepted it, told her she needs to feel the weight of her decisions. Ive been acting politely indifferent and she has broken. She expected me to continue to chase. Think is, im done.

But truly, in heart im not and I hope she comes around.

Ive read holding the line like this is known as the 180 tactic. Has anyone actually saved a marriage doing it?

As title. If you were able to, what did it take?

How did they make up for the years of neglect?

I'm a year after coming clean. Still recovering.

Im more present. I focus on the kids, on her and becoming a better person. She tells me Im doing everything perfectly, but she still wants to leave.

She says she loves me but she lost the connection. Im sure that can come back, but I think its the resentment.

I think I just want to vent more than anything, but we are going to the counsellor today. I know her (F37) intention was use it to initiate a separation. I'm (M42) absolutely devastated.

We have been together 19 years and throughout we have had out ups and downs. 2 kids, lots of ties. I'mrecovering from a porn addiction and she committed infidelity 4 years ago. I know my addiction was a root cause. She has childhood trauma and I have some from loosing my parents also around 4 years ago quite suddenly. Both at a young age.

She has ASD and we both have ADHD. Things came to a head at the start of the year and I've taken leaps and bounds to try and do everything I should have always been doing. We had both been doing counselling. She had been putting effort in but was still showing a disconnection. Unfortunately when talking about it, her ASD and PDA means shes either defiant, or she shuts down.

The harder tried, the worse it got until she told me on the weekend that she loves me but the connection is gone and she doesn't think its going to come back. She initially said she needed space but couldn't define it. I did some research and told her wanted to do what I could to give her space but her PDA made her change it to a full on separation.

I feel that given everything that has gone on, she is experiencing autistic burnout. she is dealing with delayed trauma, and hormone imbalances caused by perimenopause.

I'm hoping to go into our appointment and have the counsellor present a structured marital pause. I need her to do it so that its not met with defiance coming from me. Boundarys, routine, safety with a timeline so she can recharge, and I don't go crazy. To stop our family from imploding.

I love my wife beyond words and will do anything to help her through this. I feel so broken and struggle to see light at the end. I hope there is, but I'm so overwhelmed with grief I just cant.

I think I just want to vent more than anything, but we are going to the counsellor today. I know her (F37) intention was use it to initiate a separation. I'm (M42) absolutely devastated.

We have been together 19 years and throughout we have had out ups and downs. 2 kids, lots of ties. I'mrecovering from a porn addiction and she committed infidelity 4 years ago. I know my addiction was a root cause. She has childhood trauma and I have some from loosing my parents also around 4 years ago quite suddenly. Both at a young age.

She has ASD and we both have ADHD. Things came to a head at the start of the year and I've taken leaps and bounds to try and do everything I should have always been doing. We had both been doing counselling. She had been putting effort in but was still showing a disconnection. Unfortunately when talking about it, her ASD and PDA means shes either defiant, or she shuts down.

The harder tried, the worse it got until she told me on the weekend that she loves me but the connection is gone and she doesn't think its going to come back. She initially said she needed space but couldn't define it. I did some research and told her wanted to do what I could to give her space but her PDA made her change it to a full on separation.

I feel that given everything that has gone on, she is experiencing autistic burnout. she is dealing with delayed trauma, and hormone imbalances caused by perimenopause.

I'm hoping to go into our appointment and have the counsellor present a structured marital pause. I need her to do it so that its not met with defiance coming from me. Boundarys, routine, safety with a timeline so she can recharge, and I don't go crazy. To stop our family from imploding.

I love my wife beyond words and will do anything to help her through this. I feel so broken and struggle to see light at the end. I hope there is, but I'm so overwhelmed with grief I just cant.

We've been having problems for a long time. Everything came to a head at the stsrt of the year.

I've been working hard to be a better husband and father. To treat her how I should have.

She told me at the start that she'd checked out but I was determined to make things right.

She was trying and I could see, but something was off. I felt she was shutting me out. The little things that build connection. Hugs. Sitting together. Putting the phones away. Passionate kissing.

I told her how I felt and she brushed it off.

Last night she asked to talk. Basically said she loves me but the connection is gone. She wishes she could turn it back on but she hasnt been able.

Im distraught. I dont know what to do.

Im beyond hurt. I don't want to let her go, but I dont think she wants to find the spark.

19 years. She's my everything.

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I guess the main thing is she hasnt left.

I know the implications my addiction had on our marriage. I know the hurt it caused.

I know I drove her away. I know why she did what she did. We both want to work through it.

What I am finding hard is not having her support to quit. She wont ask me how its going. She wont hold me to account. No feedback. No boundries. The topic doesnt exist yet I know she still holds it against me sometimes.

I have no family and no friends I feel I can talk to about it. I feel like Im battling it alone.

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My (42) PA has been ongoing but Im trying to overcome it.

I pushed my wife (37) away, and she committed acts of infidelity.

We have both been trying hard to move passed it but have hit a wall.

Trust is obviously a big issue.

The issue right now is the boundries I need to set for me to feel safe. She has told me she wants to go out drinking with her work friends next Friday. I have no issue with this but she has said she wants to stay the night as her friends so she can get drunk.

I told her Im not comfortable with that and I need her home. This is started and argument where Im labeled as being controlling.

What makes it hard for me to swallow is the friend she intends to stay at has not advocated for us to remain together and fix our marriage. She has encouraged her to leave previously and imagine she had a part in encouraging the infidelity. She had just left her own husband and is actively engaging in an affair with someone at her work.

The thought of my wife out drinking with her makes me anxious let alone having her not come home.

I know these are red flags but I really want to trust her. I know ahe is putting in effort. I feel like she feels that she shouldnt have to make sacrifices because of my part. I know I did things wrong but I want to rebuild and Im trying.

I just don't know where there could be compromise on this.

I've been with my wife 18 years, married 5.

We've been through a huge amount together.

Somewhere along the line, I developed an addiction which has gone on unrecognized for a long time. I became self aware end of last year.

I admit now in hindsight, it took a great toll on our marriage. Her low self esteem pushed her to seek validation through others. At the time I couldnt understand why she would do it. I know nothing excuses infidelity, butI now accept I had a part to play in how it came about. I trust her that they were spontaneous, and were not ongoing.

Coming clean and talking to her about it, she seemed ok to start but things quickly spiraled as the dots were connected. The last 6 months have been a constant back and forth of changing emotions for both of us and we are hanging on by a tether. We have both been doing individual and couples councelling, but we keep hitting a dead end. The one thing that had been going good, contrary to what you would think, was out sexual connection. Being open had brought us together there. Unfortunately, things there have turned due to her self image issues.

She had those since before we got together, but they were not so much of an issue for most of our relationship. I know Ive caused them to resurface.

I guess in short, I know we both had parted to play in our messed up relationship.I take full accountability for my actions, and forgive her for hers.

Other than the obvious of kicking the addiction, what can I do to be the husband I should have been? How do I build her back up? How can I make her content again?