TTC, alcohol, relationship strain
Hi everyone,
A little advice particularly from those of you who have been regular drinkers or whose change of habits put a strain on the relationship.
My fiancé and I originally come from a culture where having a glass of spirit and wine every day with dinner is something totally normal. We also live in a (different) country where drinking a few pints in a pub is expected.
Last summer I found out at 32 I have diminished ovarian reserve and completely went off alcohol. We had 2 pregnancies and 2 miscarriages since then.. After the first miscarriage I asked my fiancé to reduce the alcohol so we can have our best chances of conceiving a healthy baby, which did cause some tension but he did. He no longer drinks at home, which is a massive change, also drinks less when we go out. He is also taking some supplements too. He had an SA done at the point when he hadn't had any alcohol in 5 weeks or so and it came back normal. When we spoke to the embryologist who did the SA he emphasised on the damaging effect of alcohol, I hoped my partner would take it to heart but I don't think he did..
Issue is mostly when we are out, especially on holiday, it is causing a massive strain on our relationship. It turns out it makes him very miserable to be on holiday and not to have the free will to drink more than one or two drinks. He also hates that I become visibly upset if he gets more than a couple of drinks. We tried to agree on some limit as a compromise but he says this makes him feel controlled. He keeps repeating how miserable he feels not to have the freedom to have a few drinks and seeing my upset face is difficult for him. When we go out and I know we have had a drink earlier in the day and the previous day and earlier in the week, and I see him going for a 3rd beer that same evening, I really try not to show I am upset but it is so difficult. I feel somehow we aren't on the same team...
This topic comes up so often and is so frustrating for both of us that I genuinely feel it isn't worth it anymore. We have an anniversary soon and in 3 days we are going for a long weekend abroad. He says he wants to avoid any bars so we dont have arguments. I said we don't have to be extreme, we can have a drink at a couple of cool bars, should be fun. He said what if he wants to have 2 or 3 drinks, will this cause me to be upset? And then we go again in this vicious frustrating cycle of arguments...
The issue is the day after we come back from the trip, my parents are coming over for 10 days and I know we will drink when they are here and I know he will treat it like a holiday too because we are taking the whole time off work. So it isn't just "let's go wild for a long weekend".. there is always a reason to drink if you look at it like the way he does.
I realise this need for control is a common but unhealthy side effect of TTC. I want to have empathy for him but I just dont get so many things. He sees what I've had to go through during TTC, pregnancy and especially during miscarriages. Emotional pain, medication pain, surgery, etc. On the grand scheme of things, is it that hard just to enjoy his drink (or two) and not sulk like a child that he can't have a few more drinks? He did already reduce it drastically, I admit. But how can I have no issue reducing exercise, alcohol, caffeine, eating my spinach, taking my supplements, going through so many tests, etc, etc, and his biggest worry is "I don't have the freedom to pick my number of drinks!". Am I overreacting? How can I let go of this need to control and therefore being upset over this? I don't think I am being that extreme, I am okay with the odd drink but there is a limit where it gets to me, and this limit is quite low, I admit.
I think we are both semi dreading this anniversary trip because we worry about having alcohol-related arguments again.. any insight will be very helpful 🙏