u/CosmixMacha

Hi everyone,

This is a cry for help and just writing it make me sob. I don't even know where to start but I'll try my best to sound sane. Thank you to anyone who will read, and maybe give a bit of advice or support.

So I've been in a relationship with a man for 19 years. We have two children (10 and 6 yo). It's been a hell of a ride, and I'm not sure I have the energy to describe what he did to me over those years but I'll try to list a few :

- He often says I am too much : early days he would say I laugh too loudly, or that I'm not myself with I'm with my friends (when actually I feel the more free when I'm with them), then nowadays, it's 'you are too emotional' I think all the abuse has been wearing me down (and being a ADHD and highly sensitive-caring person doesn't make it easier).

- He often complains of being ignored whenever I'm with my family or friends. The thing is early days I really tried to make him feel at ease with them and all, but he would always bring back the conversation back to himself and I would feel embarrassed. So I now tend to try to see friends or family without him, so I can just be without to worry about his feelings or what he's gonna say or do. He would for example get some food from a pot my sister in law cooked before it was dinner time, because even if he was a guest at her house, he would think the fact that he needs to wake up early for a run justify it.

- He relied on my financially for many years, but when he found a job and earned more than me he was keeping the money on the side saying he was saving for us as I couldn't keep money. He put 30% of his income on our bank account. I tried to offer to do a budget so we could healthily plan but I got dismissed. In the end I gave up, only to realise 2 years later that more than 20K British pounds desappeared. It was a year ago, up to this day I still don't know what happened. He cried and begged for forgiveness when I realised, but since then whenever I ask for an explanation, he says he used it for us, to bring us on holidays. I did the math and it's absolutely not the sole reason as we went to 4 or 5 trips during those year, all inside the country and sleeping in YHA bunk beds. At the time I assumed if he offered to pay for a trip it was because he had the money, but he is now not able to pay his taxes. Because he kept me completely in the dark over his finances I didn't see this coming.

- Last year, we moved to an Asian country from the UK. It was a dream of ours for a while but he let me do all the cleaning of the house/selling things, and explained he didn't have any more money once our plane tickets were booked and we had a date booked to give back the keys from our rented house. We moved to Taiwan anyway, and I double up on work as he lost his only client the first month we were here and we had two kids to feed, a rent to pay, and my eldest registered in a private school he said we could afford (and I stupidly trusted him).

- 10 days later, he bought a car here without telling me, and when I discovered he said he wanted it to be a surprise for our 10 years wedding anniversary. I had told him in the past that I didn't think it was a good idea to buy a car and that he should keep the money he got by selling our car in UK before leaving, as he didn't have a job now. But he bought that car, and I saw on his bank statement that I managed to see for that month that he bought it twice the price he sold the UK one. When I asked how, he said he asked his mother for money. It's probably the truth, but it breaks my hurt as it was probably all her savings.

- He has very high standard for his training, and I often feel like it's coming before anything else. When he does something for us, like bringing our daughter to school (to her new public school) that is a bit far from our place IN HIS CAR, he talks a lot about how he sacrificed his time for us. We now live in a country were I don't speak the language, so he's doing most of the admin work and often says how much he does for the family.

- In reality he didn't find a job for 9 months, leaving me under a huge work pressure as I'm freelancer artist. I said I wanted to leave him in February, and he now started to take personal clients and teach in schools and earn money from it. But this is not enough and he doesnt cover more than 25 to 30% of our expenses while I have to work over the clock.

- As a result, being isolated here, and feeling completely helpless with the situation, I grew bitter, have no patience with kids and I'm worried I start mirroring some of his behiaviour. The sad thing is as he's the only person I have here and he was supposed to me my safe space I often cry if I can't deal with the kids (who, bless their little heart, have been through a lot this year moving countries and school in a toxic dynamic family). I would then use that against me saying how he is the anchor and the sane person, and how I was 'never a parent', when I have been holding the family together for years. I reached my breaking point, still have to work non stop, and get sad or angry at my children way too much. I overshared things with them and I'm so ashamed I was not able to shield them better. It's not an excuse, and it will never be, but the isolation/exhaustion I was put under since we arrived here turned me into someone I am not. I really wish I had the emotional capacity to just ignore whatever hurtful things he says. He's either angry, controlling and ignoring my needs or love bombing me if I'm distancing myself.

I want to find myself back, leave him behind, but I don't want to separate the kids from their dad which they adore. I am taking therapy that helps but I lost all my confidence and feel so weak. A few month ago in an impulse I booked 3 return tickets to UK for the summer to see friends and family. I'm hoping being with loved ones will help me find a sense of peace. But I know I have to go back to where we leave now. We said from the moment I am back we will book two different flats. I'm so worried he will find a way to keep me living with him. Last week I said I needed to book a airbnb to find a bit of space where he wasn't but he managed to talked to me out of it. He said I'm already taking the kids away for two months so I can"t do that to him and also I should keep the money and that his work and training patterns (he has classes in the evening or weekend) make it impossible to organise. I didn't intend to keep the kids away from him at all, I just wanted to share custody for a month and see if I feel better. he also said it would be traumatic for the kids, which I really worry about too. I love them to the moon and back and want to make that separation as smooth as possible for them.

I am now torn between insisting on going back to live in UK or stay here 2 more years as originally planned so the kids can speak their grand parents language. I'm so guilty to have brought them here under these circonstances, and now they just start to adapt and love their new life it feels like a betrayal to them to just bring them back to point one. Especially I have nowhere to go anyway, so going back would probably mean having to crash to friends, ask Universal Credit, and live a really hard life for a while. I don't think it would help me get better either. I don't know what to do, who to talk to.

Anything you could say to help would be helpful. I don't know why I stayed with him for that long, emotional dependancy probably, as I know him since I'm 19.

Sorry for the long post I have so much on my heart.

////

Recap : Escaping a 19-year relationship marked by financial control, hiding money, and sudden debt, alongside continuous emotional invalidation and love-bombing.nMoved from the UK to Taiwan a year ago; he lost his income immediately, forcing me to carry most of the financial and household pressure with my freelance work, under intense isolation. Two children (10 and 6) who adore their dad, but the toxic dynamic and my extreme burnout/exhaustion mean I am struggling with patience and desperately want to shield them. I set a boundary to move into separate spaces but he is already weaponising guilt, calling me a bad parent, and manipulating me out of taking space. Completely torn between rebuilding from scratch in the UK with no assets and a deep feeling of failure, or staying in Taiwan for two more years for the children's stability while trying to co-parent safely apart.