u/DahliaDeeDah

I waited too long to transition, started at 30, too much androgenization of my body had occurred and now there is simply no way that I can gracefully engage with society as a woman and be taken seriously.

The problem is, I still suffer from dysphoria. Now that I have closeted myself and present masculinely again, things continue to be complicated.

1. Even with a chest binder there is still enough volume on my chest that shows obvious breast tissue.

2. I had FFS 1.5 years ago and while I have a distinctly masculine body/frame... my face is feminine looking.

3. My HRT is therapeutic, and I've been on it for 4 years now. I am aware that most of the changes I will see on HRT have happened, however I've heard anecdotes of late development occurring and if it happens to me that would surely complicate my masculine presentation.

4. I have bottom surgery scheduled for this Summer... and while I am very excited for it (it's GAC that I can more or less hide from the public, i.e. it's just for me) I am still quite nervous that, should my trans-affirming girlfriend and I break up, I'll have to reenter the dating "market" as someone who is effectively a man with a vagina... I'm not sure how that will go over.

How the fuck do people even do this? I hated having to negotiate all of the "awkward in-betweens" that happened when I first transitioned MtF, now having to refigure how to exist in this new mode feels disgusting, I hate being a man.

This last month I have reluctantly returned to a masculine presentation. This is after 4 years on hormones and even FFS, and yet I still am not able to pass well enough to not draw attention wherever I go. I am a very sensitive person and I hate being the center of attention, especially when I am being clocked and all the scrutiny that comes with that. Over the years of transition I've become an agoraphobe of sorts, avoiding any public spaces if it can be avoided (even long road trips I normally would've enjoyed so as to avoid any public restroom usage when I have to go).

So as I said, it has been one month where I've completely stopped presenting femininely, and I guess I'd say I have mixed feelings. Suddenly I'm not being stared at/laughed at at all. People take me much more seriously because they don't see me as "the insane tranny". My heart is broken because while I'm very much enjoying my return to anonymity, I still have dysphoria to contend with and I don't know if I can stomach the rest of life life living functionally as a man.

Has anyone else grappled with the dichotomy between feeling better and feeling worse after detransing? I need help.