u/DearCryptographer679

my therapist triggered my ed relapse and ever since then she just keeps triggering me over and over again.

She’s actively calling my “max 400 cals a day” a diet, calling me her inspiration if I do lose weight and fast a lot. Bulimic only when I say I purged but nothing when I starve myself for days on and on (when she asked about my ultimate goal weight and I said 40kg she said, and I quote, “do you want to become anorexic? from bulimic to anorexic”)

Keeps telling me I lost weight and that she can tell. Also told me to try to eat max 1000 cals cause it’s better than 400.
And every time I enter the room, the first questions is always “how’s your diet going?”

Btw this isn’t even 50% of the things she said.
And I know all this is because I am overweight. If I was skinny, she would’ve been acting way differently. She is so inconsiderate. She broke my trust and everything we built so far.

I guess this is an angry vent. But I’m so tired. She was my only reason and last hope to stay alive. Now I genuinely feel like my last reason to stay alive and keep seeing her is because of spite and showing her that I can lose that weight, that I can reach 40kg and lower. And how much she hurt me. But I know she wouldn’t probably give a damn crap.

And before you ask: yes I brought this up before, yes I told her what she said was extremly triggering but she keeps doing it anyways

I’ve been in therapy for a while and my therapist has genuinely helped me a lot. The connection felt real, safe, and honestly life-saving at times.

But I also have BPD and I think she became my favorite person without me fully realizing it.
I ended up idealizing her a lot and attaching my sense of safety, stability and literally my will to live onto her and the therapy itself. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have been alive today.

Recently there was a rupture in therapy and something in me just… snapped. Not in an angry way, more like a collapse. I suddenly became aware of how much I had been idealizing her, and it completely destabilized me.

What came with that was this really painful realization that I don’t think anyone can actually “save” me or make me want to live. Not even someone I trust deeply or feel close to.

And that realization feels horrible.

I’m not saying the relationship wasn’t real. It was real. But my brain turned it into something intense and all-consuming, and now I feel like I’ve lost the only thing holding me together internally.

Now I just feel exhausted. I’m too tired to keep doing this, I genuinely feel so close to ending it.
But I also don’t want to hurt the people around me or traumatize my therapist after everything she’s done for me.

I don’t really know what I’m looking for by posting this. I think I just want to know if anyone else has gone through something similar where a FP/therapy rupture made everything collapse like this.

Just left therapy one hour ago and I am spiraling really bad.

My therapist sometimes brings her dog to sessions.
I recently lost my own two dogs (same breed as hers) a few months ago, so I’m very attached to him and pet him a lot during sessions because it comforts me and reminds me of my dogs.

He rolled over for belly rubs and I was petting him while talking without thinking too much about it.
My dogs were female and used to love lower belly rubs, so I think I was just on autopilot petting him like I used with them.
Then I suddenly realized I had accidentally touched/rubbed his groin/penis area TWICE (I didn’t process it the first time) and immediately internally freaked out.

I froze and didn’t say anything because I got so embarrassed and ashamed. My therapist maybe noticed and looked slightly confused/concerned for a second like wtf did I just do. She didn’t say anything though. I think it would’ve been awkward for both of us if she did.

I already struggle with intrusive thoughts about me being a zoophile and this is just my last straw.
I feel like I’m the worst human being ever and am disgusted with myself and this action.

I know, logically, it was a mistake, but I just can’t seem to stop replying it.
Now I have the intense urge to apologize to my therapist next session and confess everything.

Even the thought of saying this out loud makes me want to crawl inside a huge hole and die.
But I know that not saying anything also feels wrong and like I can’t get over it until I address it with her.

I genuinely don’t know if I should tell her or not.

I went on a trip and brought my therapist a small gift (some sweets from there)
She thanked me and all was sweet but then she casually said “I want to start losing weight”, aka no more sweets for her

Thing is she knows I’ve struggled a lot with an ED and severe body image issues (and still do).
and she’s like… very much the beauty standard (tall, skinny etc) and I’m visibly way bigger.
She is genuinely my “body goals” and the body I deeply crave for.
So just hearing that from her, especially right after I gave her sweets, just felt like real fucking shit and inconsiderate.

it made me wonder… if she needs to lose weight then what does that make me?? I know logically it’s not about me and she can have her own issues and it’s not my place to question that. But it was really triggering.

She says that she doesn’t think I’m disgusting or ugly (even subconsciously/ internalized fatphobia) yet she would probably hate herself deeply if she woke up next day with the same body as mine.

Now I’m stuck here wondering if I’m just being too sensitive or am overreacting. Part of me feels like I should bring it up in therapy but the other part of me feels like it’s too silly or exposing.

am I overreacting?

I went on a trip and brought my therapist a small gift (some sweets from there)
She thanked me and all was sweet but then she casually said “I want to start losing weight”, aka no more sweets for her

Thing is she knows I’ve struggled a lot with an ED and severe body image issues (and still do).
and she’s like… very much the beauty standard (tall, skinny etc) and I’m visibly way bigger.
She is genuinely my “body goals” and the body I deeply crave for.
So just hearing that from her, especially right after I gave her sweets, just felt like real fucking shit and inconsiderate.

it made me wonder… if she needs to lose weight then what does that make me?? I know logically it’s not about me and she can have her own issues and it’s not my place to question that. But it was really triggering.

She says that she doesn’t think I’m disgusting or ugly (even subconsciously/ internalized fatphobia) yet she would probably hate herself deeply if she woke up next day with the same body as mine.

Now I’m stuck here wondering if I’m just being too sensitive or am overreacting. Part of me feels like I should bring it up in therapy but the other part of me feels like it’s too silly or exposing.

has anyone else had something like this happen? am I overreacting?