u/Dick_Drizzle

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Over the past 4 days I have visited 7 Denver Massage Parlors. Here are my experiences:

1. Summit Satisfaction Spa (3.5/5): Probably the most average experience i had. The masseuse kept trying to cut the massage short because there were several clients waiting in the lobby. This can be common, but her excessive force left me chaffed. The woman wasnt very attractive and looked to be in her 50s, but was certainly experienced. I wasnt interested in any add-ons aside from a hand massage because she smelled strange. I still give it a 3.5 because she didnt try making small talk and used both hands.

2. Mile High Massage and Vape (1/5): Absolutely do not recommend this place. There was just one big room so you can see all the other naked men. Its also used as storage and has a couch/TV for the other employees, so they were also present and blowing weed smoke everywhere while playing video games. The masseuse was a cute chubby goth girl and i ordered add-ons, but her piercing got stuck on me and caused bleeding, so i didnt finish the massage.

3. Union Station Stress Relief (0/5): Terrible experience and this place should not be in business. You schedule appointments ahead of time on their app and it tells you to meet the masseuse OUTSIDE of union station. She then leads you on a 10 minute walk around back and down the tracks aways. There isnt even a building, its just in between two trains. The masseuse was horrible looking and fell asleep twice during the massage.

4. DIA Layover Massage (4/5): I found this place by mistake. A man greeted me at the airport by a name that isnt my own, and I was too awkward to correct him. He led me to a backroom where he blindfolded me and took me into an elevator. We went down and seemed to be in a small tunnel because of how echoe-y it was. We walked for a few minutes until reaching the massage room. The masseuse was dressed as a flight attendant and called me captain. Very beautiful and only needed a 90 second massage. They dont offer add-ons. Only gave it 4 stars because they handed me the bill and it was $10,000. After arguing about the price for a while, they locked me in a room for an hour and i missed my flight. I could hear them berating a man because he grabbed the wrong person. They let me go without paying, but threatened me with video blackmail from the massage. They even sent it to my email which is cool to have.

5. Fourteener Therapeutics (2.5/5): Im not going into details about this place, but the girls seemed young. I give it 2.5 because the place seemed sketchy and everyone was kinda paranoid, but the massage was decent. If the girls were actually as young as I think, I'd downgrade to 2/5.

6. 5,280 Feet of Release (5/5): I didnt know it at the time, but this was a foot massage place. I had never experienced that before and it awakened a feeling I didnt know was there. Her feet were very soft and she could move them as good as a professional masseuse can with their hands. No add-ons necessary.

7. Casa Bonitas Bodywork (4/5): This place was recommended to me by my house cleaner after trying to convince her to give me a massage when my wife left to run errands. There isnt any real connection to Casa Bonita from what I could tell, but I guess they call it that because they serve tamales and is inside the back of a nail salon by Casa Bonita. The masseuse was very pretty so I ordered add-ons to make the most of it. I would give this place 5 stars except my wife's friend was getting her nails done and saw me, so it's not very discreet. Also a man abruptly entered the room mid-massage to ask if i wanted chicken or pork, which caused me to flinch and give the poor girl a bloody lip. This will likely be my last massage parlor until im done with couples therapy.

I say yes. If you need a faceoff win and a quick rush down the ice, probably get 6 guys on the ice.