u/DiligentAd3002

not too crazy of a question, im just curious. whenever someone starts arguing with me, I always find myself smiling and enjoying watching them get more and more frustrated. while most people probably find yelling unpleasant, it's actually quite enjoyable for me. sometimes I even find videos of people arguing on tiktok and just giggle while watching them. idk if this is normal or not, (i assume it isnt), so can someone give me an answer?

15 is probably a little young to kick the bucket, but i dont really care. im downing every single bottle of pills in the medicine cabinet and praying it works. if it doesnt, im probably gonna go to the psyche ward for the third time, but uhhh im sure it wont happen

to anyone reading this: you are loved!! you're amazing in many ways, even if it's in ways you don't recognize yet ♡

like genuinely dude whenever I meet someone irl they're either NOTHING LIKE ME or just plain weird/disgusting. now, I like weird people, but in my eyes there are two VERY different types of weird. there's the weird where someone has some peculiar interests and humor, but is actually fun to be around. then there's the weird where they sleep with anime bodypillows and smell like concentrated baboon anus. anyways, irl friends are so hard to find bro. the few friends i do make NEVER text me. im stuck texting first 24/7 and that honestly sucks ass. they also dont play jack with me, so ive just stopped talking to them. with online friends ITS NEARLY THE SAME BRO 💔💔💔 WHY ARE GOOD FRIENDS SO HARD TO FIND 😭😭

I get a strong sense of satisfaction whenever I see myself bleeding, does anyone else get the same feeling

not too crazy of a question, im just curious. whenever someone starts arguing with me, I always find myself smiling and enjoying watching them get more and more frustrated. while most people probably find yelling unpleasant, it's actually quite enjoyable for me. sometimes I even find videos of people arguing on tiktok and just giggle while watching them. idk if this is normal or not, (i assume it isnt), so can someone give me an answer?

my previous post was me talking about how I was suicidal and didnt feel like I had a good enough reason. I also didn't really have any way to go through with it. since then, ive been doing some thinking and ive realized that whining like a little bitch isnt gonna do anything, so im just gonna find a way. after some hours of consideration and testing, ive found that my loft bed can sustain my full weight. for how long, however, i have no clue. it's also high enough for me to hang from (i think), but there's also the risk of it breaking and me falling. gonna save up some money to buy a rope, then im just gonna do it. hopefully it'll only take a day or two, but if not, ill certainly have enough when my paycheck comes in next friday. the only thing im truly hoping for is that doesnt fail. the only thing worse than not committing right now is trying to commit and ending up with rope burn all around my neck. if that happens, im certainly getting sent to another psyche ward, and likely for a residential stay 🫩

(P.s. please give me some tips on what thickness of rope is best for hanging yourself. im around 140-160 lbs last time I checked if that helps!)

so quick thing id like to say before I get into the main topic; psyche wards suck ass. ive been to three and the only thing ive learned there is how to better hide what im going through. every stay just made me more and more numb. anyways, i just wanted to express my hatred for those places, now ill get into what I wanna talk about.

now onto what im really making this post about, I seriously want to commit suicide. im 14 and my life is seemingly perfect right now. ive got a pc, a laptop, a super new phone, a steam deck, two cats, and more. yet, somehow it doesnt bring me any happiness. what I love most is talking to people, but even when I do, that joy fades mere seconds after they go. sometimes there are moments where I'm just cruising along, and sometimes there are moments where I'm this close to just cutting until I bleed out. but the weirdest thing about it is that I dont really have a valid reason (in my opinion, anyway). i dont have any trauma that I know of, I have a bunch of stuff, I have cats, and I even have a job. im also not sad, at least I dont think I am, so I dont see why I have such a strong urge to take my own life. the only things I could say suck in my life are socialization and my mind. im numb 24/7, but not in the emotionless way. most of the time I dont even know how im feeling, like I cant even recognize myself. if I cry, I have no idea why. there's no sadness I can pick up on, yet the tears still flow. its the same with every other emotion. I show it, but I dont feel it. its as if my body knows what emotion im experiencing, but my conscience doesnt. I dont have any people I can call friends, and I honestly dont know how to make any. im the type of person who can really only have one or two friends at a time, since it's difficult for me to focus on multiples things at the same time (this applies universally). ive tried making friends irl, but they're either nothing like me and I'm forced to fake my personality, or they only talk to me when their other friends are busy. ive also tried making friends online, but that crowd doesnt seem to be any better. im so lonely it hurts. yet, at the same time, I can't feel that hurt. my cats and the music I listen to are pretty much my only companions, but I cant do much with either, can I? my emotions and my social life arent the reason I want to take my life, however. in fact, I dont really know why I want to. it's just a pressure that's always following me around. my life is so numb aside from that crushing pressure, that single clear thought that tells me I should just end myself quickly. I dont see myself making it to 16, driving, having a full-time job, getting a house, having a lover, any of that. the wait is too long for me to care about any of it, and just the time it takes to experience life is sickening to me. I find it unfair, honestly. why is it so difficult to just quit? what if I dont want to fight through the years? what if I dont want to live?? I just wish I could quit. I wish I could just cut my life short so I dont have to keep trudging through it day by day. and the thing is, I can! but at the same time, I can't. i have no real emotional attachment to any of my family, nor any care about how they'd react to my demise, so that isnt the reason. hell, my mother told me she'd take her own life as well if I ever killed myself, yet that still doesnt worry me. im not depressed and my life isnt particularly difficult or anything, so its not like "oh my god, I just can't take it anymore". i just dont have the means. im certainly not going to overdose, since i heard from my older sister that it hurts like hell (she's attempted twice). cutting is an option, but that still might be too much pain for me to bear. the only two things i can think of are jumping and hanging myself. but, first off, where the hell am i gonna find a public building tall enough to jump off that's close to my house?? secondly, what the fuck am i gonna hang myself off of? there isnt jack shit in my house high or strong enough to tie a rope to and hang under! im selfish, I know, but I'm just so damn tired. why is it so hard to die bro... 💔