is it normal to still want him back despite breaking up with me twice within 2 months? even after badmouthing me to everyone, and my friends telling me he is an emotional abuser? even if i’m just talking to a securely attached person now and feel like it’s going well?
its been about a month since the second discard, but will this feeling and these thoughts ever stop?
so my ex is dismissive avoidant with anxious tendencies/ anxious leaning. I’m anxious attachment. He’s 23m, I’m 28 mtf. Wev’ve been together for 2 years and it was fine and we were happy.
He broke up with me 6 months after his mom died from drinking herself to death around August 2025.
His dad and her were divorced for a while now and he told me he was narcissistic and use his college money for cocaine and drugs. He was told ny his therapist to go no contact with them, i supported any decision he made.
We grieved for 6 months, and i lost my job by using up all my PTO to stay at home. not that i blame him for losing my job, but because i wanted to, i was scared he’d hurt himself or off himself. we were both jobless and i was passively looking for a job, again fearing that if i left him alone, i’d come back to him hurt or worse. he got inheritance from her passing and he paid for the rent and food, everything.
March of 2026 he broke up with me because of me not working and us being lazy, i asked to try again and even my best friend came in to talk about what would be best for both of us. he needed someone and it would cost him a lot of money to send me back to my state with my parents (he offered to pay to send my stuff and everything). we reached an agreement that I’d get a job and prove i can be independent and financially responsible, i got a job within 2 weeks! This is mid March 2026.
During that time he was living in a very small studio apartment, still no job and using that inheritance to pay for everything. He asked if i can move back in because he was going insane living alone and being alone, so i did. i threw away a ton of my clothes and things to fit into this studio apartment, but i did it with a smile because i had him back. we went on with life and even got couples’ therapy and agreed to communicate more and try to make it work.
i went to work now and he still didnt have a job, talking to online friends 8+ hours a day while smoking expensive weed and playing video games. his best friend hated me so much, he got mad when my ex wanted to let him know we were seeing each other again. his friend said very transphobic things and misogynistic things like getting a new gf with bigger boobs and a real woman. this made him feel like hurting himself and didnt know how to keep me and his best friend in his life. i said he can tell him whenever he feels ready. This is early May 2026.
His dad was told about how he was depressed and thinking of hurting himself, sent him to a psychiatric hospital. we said a very sad goodbye to each other and promised this is for the best and we’d make it work when he got out. At the psych ward, he was traumatized even further with the mentally unwell patients screaming and one even pushed him down and yelled in his face. that lasted a week and a half, me not knowing any of this because they take your phone away the whole time he was there.
When he got out, he stayed the night with his dad, who he used to loathe and resented for how he treated his mom and him. The next morning, his dad and younger brother and he came to the apartment, telling me that this life is toxic and he doesnt want his son to commit suicide because of me. They argued that it was still about the 6 months, me having expensive life goals, and I got a job too late. They left and I’m left wondering why the sudden change if heart? What happened within the 2 weeks of the psych ward that he just couldn’t do it anymore? This is now May 28th 2026.
I barraged his messages, paragraphs every hour. Asking why this happened and I still loved him and that it could still work because I’d forgive everything. He stonewalled me for a solid month, just texts about clearing the two apartments and that it’d be best if he reconnected with his family and stayed with them *from now on.*
This is now, June 8th 2026.
I saw him posting in a BPD subreddit about me while looking for advice and answers, because he uses the same username everywhere so it’s for sure him. He’s attacking my character and using my insecurities and my expensive but long-term goals like getting a tesla and not being able to pay off my 4000 debt that my family racked up. I commented, and I admit I shouldnt have and it’s gotten so toxic, but idk what else to do. He blocked me everywhere from messages to socials, except my artist instagram. He just unfollowed, most likely restricted but that’s it. IDK what he wants, and i just want to do whatever he tells me to and i just wanted to talk about everything calmly, but attacking my character and insecurities was a very low blow. It destroyed me.
TLDR: i bombed his phone with messages for a month because i was being stonewalled and was confused how super sudden and quick the breakup was. I fear I pushed him too far away and it’s really over now. He wasnt like this before his mom passed, we’ve been together for 3 years and all of this happened THIS year.
tldr, my ex is a dismissive avoidant with anxious behavior. he left me twice, i panicked and now it’s at a standstill.
so the whole story is we broke up the first time because he said it wasnt gonna work. his mom passed about a year ago, i was fired from my job because of running out of pto to stay at home with him. we were jobless and mourning her for 6 months, he was paying rent and food with his inheritance. he spent all day on the computer with his friends, 8+ hours daily. he told me that he vented to them how i was jobless and he was spending his money. i assume they convinced him to break up with me the first time.
i asked to talk with me and my friend/ex, he said if i got a job and started being more independent, he could take me back. i spent 2 weeks job searching and i did get a job. he begged me to move in and said he was going crazy living alone, so i moved in with him in a 500 sqft studio. it was cramped but at least i had him.
2 weeks after moving in he was getting scared he'd lose his friends because they hated me, and he said he was feeling like hurting himself. we started couples' therapy and we agreed to communicate more and be more honest. he'd tell his best friend about getting back with me when he felt comfortable. the next week, his dad sent him to a psych ward because of said self-harm thoughts. i spent 1.5 weeks working and commuting myself to work.
the day he got out, he said he'd stay the night at his dad and brother's, which was fine. the next morning they all came in and once again, it wasnt gonna work.
i asked why and he said it was me wanting a tesla and bottom surgery and him not wanting to have to pay for that, just taking care of me and paying for my stuff. i countered that i have been doing my own things for 2 weeks now and i dont want a tesla anymore, just ANY car. and my bottom surgery is waaay down the line, he was my number 1 supporter in being trans. i wanted to pay for my own stuff. his dad and brother argued with me about how i didnt have a job for 6 months and it's too late now. how i was lazy and didnt do enough, his dad said he didnt want hi to be suicidal and they left.
i spammed him for 2 weeks asking why this happened so suddenly again and that it could still work. no response for those 2 weeks, just that he'd be better living on his own and that we needed to clear both apartments of out things.
i asked to have dinner at pf chang's on may 28th. we met and he said he didnt everything so messy and i didnt deserve to be treated the way i did. he went through traumatic experiences at the psych ward and maybe what sent him over the edge. he's going to a Intensive Outpatient Program, and he wanted to keep in contact.. i asked if we could try again since he's getting help now, he said he was afraid of hurting me again and doing this again. he said he'd think about it and tell me the next day.
next day he said it's best if he reconnects with his family and lives with them from now on...
i spammed him paragraphs of reassurance that it could still work if we tried and did our best, he blocked me on June 3rd. except my art instagram. he just unfollowed me there. i apologized for my anxious behavior and spamming him, i told him i still loved him and it's been nothing but silence since then. not blocked on my second instagram still. just nothing.
im left wondering why he hasnt blocked my art account, why he blocked me everywhere but there. i vowed to myself and friends to go no contact for sure now, but i’m in a limbo of “what now?”.