u/Disastrous-Radish504

Every time I ask for advice in other subs, I get more judgmental or negative comments than actual help and it’s honestly starting to wear me down. I’m 6 months pregnant with a strong willed, intelligent 2.5 year old and I’m absolutely not perfect, but I guess the fact that she’s using cuss words while I’m navigating parenthood for the first time is indicative that I’m actually the fucking worst.

I wish people were more kind, especially to mothers who are genuinely trying their best. I don’t want to feel like I have to defend myself every time I have an issue. The last time I asked for any kind of advice, I wasn’t even asking about how to handle the cussing or even my own parenting in general, I just mentioned it for context- I got a stern comment about the cussing specifically, so I reiterated I wasn’t asking for that kind of advice and apparently that was the wrong thing to say.

I don’t know how to let things roll off my shoulders. Sometimes I don’t feel like I have any support at all, even in mom subs meant for support. I don’t understand why kindness isn’t given anymore and why harshness or “tough love” (as some random ass strangers call it) is the default. I don’t need to be coddled but god damn, I’m obviously trying here.

That’s all.

It’s not behavior related, just for context- my child (2.5f) uses cuss words and we are struggling to get her to stop.

My husband keeps coming up with stuff that I am positive will have negative implications when she gets older such as anxiety and/or insecurity or people-pleasing behavior.

For example, he makes threats such as “if you don’t stop swearing, a bad guy/monster is going to get you.”

“I’m going to tell [neighbor’s mom] and [neighbor’s mom] won’t let [neighbor] play with you anymore”

My daughter’s aunt (9) over the phone today said “if you don’t stop using naughty words I won’t be your friend anymore.” My daughter ADORES her auntie. My daughter got very quiet and started sucking her thumb as a response, she does that when she’s upset or uncomfortable and I don’t think she even said goodbye to her auntie before walking away. I told my husband that was really mean and he just stared at me and then changed the subject with his sister. Nothing else was said about it (yet).

I want to bring it up later, but I know he’s going to get defensive or deny that it’ll have any kind of impact and blame ME for worrying too much. We already got into a fight about the whole “a bad guy is going to get you” thing because he wanted me to back him up on that and I refused. He seems to think stuff doesn’t stick to kids this young.

Please help me explain what kind of impact this could have on my daughter from an actual child psychologist’s perspective so i don’t sound like I’m just being an “anxious mom.”

It’s not behavior related, just for context- my child (2.5f) uses cuss words and we are struggling to get her to stop.

My husband keeps coming up with sh*t that I am absolutely positive will have negative implications when she gets older such as anxiety and/or insecurity or people-pleasing behavior.

For example, he makes threats such as “if you don’t stop swearing, a bad guy/monster is going to get you.”

“I’m going to tell [neighbor’s mom] and [neighbor’s mom] won’t let [neighbor] play with you anymore”

My daughter’s aunt (9) over the phone today said “if you don’t stop using naughty words I won’t be your friend anymore.” My daughter ADORES her auntie. My daughter got very quiet and started sucking her thumb as a response, she does that when she’s upset or uncomfortable and I don’t think she even said goodbye to her auntie before walking away. I told my husband that was really mean and he just stared at me and then changed the subject with his sister. Nothing else was said about it (yet).

I want to bring it up later, but I know he’s going to get defensive or deny that it’ll have any kind of impact and blame ME for worrying too much. We already got into a fight about the whole “a bad guy is going to get you” thing because he wanted me to back him up on that and I refused. He seems to think sh*t doesn’t stick to kids this young, but I KNOW it’s the contrary.

Please help me explain what kind of impact this could have on my daughter from an actual child psychologist’s perspective so i don’t sound like I’m just being an “anxious mom.”

I get it, I’m not a perfect parent like everyone else on social media, but the fact that I let my toddler watch Diary of a Wimpy Kid and certain scenes in Bring It On over 6 months ago is a clear indication that I am one of the WORST mothers EVER. And the fact that I enjoy The Sims in my free time??? Immature AND irresponsible. How dare i ask for advice about how to get my toddler to stop suddenly swearing, when I am obviously extremely guilty of exposing her to these words in the first place and clearly saturated her entire life in them?? I guess I was supposed to buy her a tablet and let her watch YouTube Kids as a 2.5 year old, because that is infinitely more appropriate and beneficial for her development than watching parts of a movie with me and monitoring exactly what she’s watching in real time. Smh.

(This is obviously sarcasm).

I’m gonna preface this by saying I’m a loner, I highly value alone time, and sometimes that includes alone time with my family- my husband and our toddler. Also important to note that my MIL used to weaponize her tears and manipulate my husband before I encouraged him to stand up for himself and call it out, so my first impression of her wasn’t the greatest. She has made extremely judgmental comments about random strangers and her own sister, so all of this has been kind of sticky on my mind as I’ve gotten to know her. She has some great traits as well, but for me, the bad ones slightly outweigh it.

When my daughter was born, my MIL was over 4 times a week, sometimes 5. She didn’t/still doesn’t really play with my daughter then or now, she takes pictures and/or sits on her phone or gossips with us or the other adults we live with. She used to come over so often because she was terrified, I mean absolutely off her rocker scared that my daughter wasn’t going to remember her… as a newborn/infant. Again, she was coming over more often than not at that point. She used to take it extremely personal when my daughter would cry and pull away from her AS A NEWBORN/INFANT. Eventually we told her she can’t force a bond with our daughter, and we have had to tell her that multiple times throughout our daughter’s life. She seemed to cool off for a while.

Then there was the meltdown. I don’t remember what set it off, but around my daughter’s 2nd birthday, she absolutely lost her shit over this bond she wants so badly. My daughter wasn’t excited to see her anymore, actually didn’t want to see her at all and actively protested my MIL’s presence. We live with my parents to save money; I think my daughter had a sweet moment with my mom in front of my MIL. My MIL was actually hysterical over all of it and I caught her sitting on the floor sobbing to my mom about needing my daughter and needing a strong bond with her. She said some other things that led me to believe she was codependent with my toddler.

Huge red flags.

I am still a little salty about this next bit- I had to be the one to put boundaries in place with her instead of my husband. He backed me up behind closed doors but the second I told him to speak up and then subsequently said something to her because he wouldn’t, he suddenly couldn’t see what I was seeing anymore and it was just “my problem”. I stood my ground and told him he needed to back me up, which stirred a lot of personal stuff up for both of us, but that’s another story. We cut her time down to 2x a week on scheduled days at scheduled times. She fought it for a while but eventually lamented and things actually did calm down.

But now I feel like that’s still too often.

I don’t have saturdays to myself OR with my daughter- I can’t take my daughter to play with my friends’ kids or do fun kid things just me and her because MIL is coming over and/or will ask to join. She spends ALL DAY here on saturdays. We have a 4th of July party coming up at my aunt’s house- she was invited last year, but my husband is working this year and even though MIL is still invited, I don’t want her to come. I’m also acutely aware that this cuts into “her time” with my daughter.

My husband is content with the schedule, im actually the only one with a problem with it this time. He will not back me up if I decide 1 day a week is enough, in fact he would probably fight me on it. It pisses me off that she tells us we’re all she has when she doesn’t even try to pick up hobbies or make friends- she has quite literally told me she doesn’t want any because her focus is on my daughter. Call me insensitive, cruel, whatever you want. It bothers me that her world revolves around my child.

I would also feel this way about my own parents if we didn’t live with them. I don’t like her spending time with my dad because he’s an alcoholic asshole and my mom is vocally religious (husband and I are not) and plants little seeds when I’m not listening.

I just need to get this off my chest, because I know telling my husband this would go terribly, horribly wrong.

I work at a level 3, 1:1 program for autistic adults and high schoolers. When the school year ended, my school laid off 41 people district wide to “save money” and hired new staff from out of the country because it is cheaper (I don’t know how that works, that’s just what I’ve been told).

I am the ONLY staff member from the school year returning for ESY. None of these paras OR teachers know these students and vice versa, which puts a lot of pressure on me because I am pulled every in direction, especially during a behavior but also for small mundane things as well. I am happy to do it, that’s not the problem.

The problem is that some of the para trainees make SEVEN (7) WHOLE DOLLARS more than me???? I am the lowest paid employee in my program- everyone else ranges from a buck.50 to $7(!!!!) more than me- I’m talking paras mind you, not teachers. I didn’t get any kind of raise for ESY and per my last paycheck, I don’t think I’m getting the extra compensation owed to me anyway (they said I’d be making an hourly rate + what I would get paid over the summer already).

I’m obviously going to speak with HR, but what do I even say? How do I approach this in a way that is not “hey what the fuck?”

I’m not sure if I’m posting in the correct sub or if this is the correct flair, so pls let me know. I’m a mother trying to learn how to repair/build/install everything I can to be more independent, so advice or tips would be greatly appreciated!

I have a window AC unit that has been making a cracking sound off and on all day- not a crackling sound, it’s more like when thick plastic cracks. Visually, I could not see any cracks when peeking inside the unit vents or around the outside, but I did notice it wasn’t cooling the small space as well as it usually does.

Just now (like literally 5 minutes ago), I heard a shattering noise that leads me to believe that perhaps I was hearing some kind of ice build up cracking and eventually breaking. It’s not making that cracking sound anymore, but something definitely shattered and fell to the bottom inside of the unit.

My question is, do I need to clean that out immediately, or can it wait until tomorrow? Will it cause issues if I don’t? And how would I even do that? There are no other strange sounds or happenings with the unit outside of what I have described above.

Thanks!

I’m so depressed, I feel like I can’t do this anymore. I feel like a terrible mother because I can’t handle my toddler testing boundaries like a normal toddler does. I feel like I have zero support as a person instead of as a mother, and I feel like nobody cares that I’m empty or that they expect me to just pull myself together because I’m a mom. I don’t want my toddler to think it’s her fault and that I need space from her. I’m 25 weeks pregnant and I fear I won’t be good enough for this baby either. And I feel like a terrible person for wanting to escape or do something crazy when I have a family who loves and cares about me.

Everything is too loud and too messy and too overwhelming. Even sex with my husband (who is very much a giver) feels like a chore. I went from being confident to hating the way I look. Nothing, absolutely nothing I do ever feels like it’s enough or like it makes a difference- I feel like I’m failing everybody, including my unborn child. I don’t even know what to say when my husband asks what’s wrong or why I feel this way; I just do. I don’t have any interests anymore, I don’t have the time or space or interest to do anything anyway. I just want to sleep or stare at the wall forever.

Basically: I live with my parents, my boyfriend, my daughter, and my adult brother, but it’s more like a roommate situation- all of our expenses are separate including food; we split rent and utilities. My “household” is only supposed to be me, my boyfriend, and my daughter. I’ve tried explaining this to the county worker, and the second time around she told me it doesn’t matter as long as we are all living under the same roof. They told me I MUST include everyone who lives under the same roof as me. I have a hard time processing things, and this happened a year ago, so I don’t remember her reasoning but honestly I don’t think she even gave me a reason. I was probably flustered and probably didn’t ask. After that phone call, everything I applied for came back denied because we don’t qualify as a “household,” because we make too much combined, despite me telling them multiple times we don’t combine our finances, again they’re literally just roommates that happen to be blood related.

Am I just like, explaining things to them incorrectly? Am I missing something on my end? Does including roommates in a household sound right to anyone? I had a case manager who was supposed to help me navigate due to my processing issues, but I moved counties (plus it was a transitional point in my life) and i lost touch with her. I obviously wouldn’t be applying or asking for help if we didn’t need this, and I have another baby due late September/early October, so I’m starting to feel incredibly anxious.

First time coming across this sub, found it because I googled “I’m a miserable mom” during a breakdown. I’m at a loss of what to do.

I’m 23 weeks pregnant, i also have a 2.5 year old. My body hurts, I’m exhausted, my toddler is going through an asshole phase (love her so much), I feel like I can’t breathe without a literal or metaphorical punch to the jugular. This morning, I had literally just opened my eyes and suggested she try to use her potty (same as I do every day) when she told me sternly to stop talking and to go away, and then she started dropping f-bombs all within the span of 5 minutes. None of us tell her to stop talking or to go away, so I have no idea where she learned that, and correcting it does NOTHING. I told her that was enough and she can take a time out so she hit me, which sent me over the edge and I left her with her dad to go cry. Yesterday was really bad too, a lot of power struggles and anger/impatience from both sides literally all f*cking day.

My husband thinks she has no discipline and that she’s going to be a naughty kid- his idea of discipline is telling her a bad guy is going to come get her if she doesn’t listen. We got into a fight 2 days ago because I wouldn’t back him up on it, I don’t think lying about strangers to scare your child into submission is the right move either, or at least that’s not how I want to parent- but I digress. He also threw in my face during this argument that I was a “naughty kid” growing up- I was sneaky and broke house rules, but I didn’t blatantly disrespect my parents like that (he was straight up disrespectful to his own mom AS AN ADULT up until I witnessed it myself and called him out on it). He thinks sternly telling her not to do things is enough, when it’s like yes, AND we need to provide alternatives as well or nothing is going to stick. He gets frustrated and dishes out punishments or yells but he’s not helping her understand what’s wrong or how we can act/say things differently next time.

The mom guilt is really f*cking me up now. I feel like a failure in my relationships with my man and my kid, like trying to be a calm, grounded/level-headed parent and a safe person for my daughter is going to backfire and create children who will walk all over me and a husband who resents me. I grew up with parents who yelled at me all the time and I hate the idea of being the same. My daughter cries or yells at me when she’s with me more than she laughs and it’s devastating, I love her so much but I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I feel like I’m destroying my relationships and just rotting from the inside out. And I feel like I can’t talk about it because i sound ungrateful or like I’m just whining.

Context: I am 20 weeks pregnant and have a 2.5 year old. I also work with level 3 special needs adults every day. Needless to say, I. Am. Tired.

I am so stressed my chest hurts. I am at my absolute limit; I’m considering checking myself into a psych ward just to get a f*cking break and I truly, genuinely wish I was joking. I think I’m heading towards actual burnout very fast, if I’m not already there.

My daughter WILL NOT STOP whining. About anything, it doesn’t matter. She wants yogurt? She wants me to play? I closed the baby gate instead of letting her do it, even though she’s across the house? Her milk is in the wrong cup? Immediate whine. She knows how to ask for things without whining, she just doesn’t anymore. Or, she won’t acknowledge me AT ALL, even if I’m responding to a request. Just now, her nana told her to ask me for juice: she completely ignored me, went to the fridge and then whined about how she wants juice. She’s also picking at a scab on her chin to the point where it’s bleeding, so I’ve been putting bandaids on it: cried “I don’t want a bandaid” over and over and over again, for at LEAST 10 minutes. I have explained to her even when she’s calm that the bandaid keeps her chin safe, she needs to stop picking, the bandaid can come off in a little bit, or we’re going to go to the doctor instead; again, doesn’t matter, she doesn’t hear me. They’re so soft they slowly peel off by themselves so I know it isn’t a pain issue.

My husband is great when I need him to take over, however he’s causing some of the stress, and I don’t know if it’s being exacerbated by my hormones and my frayed nerves, or if it’s truly as big of an issue as it feels. While he is an empathetic person in general, he’s also a “stop crying” kind of person; tears make him uncomfortable and panicky. I’m strictly against this kind of language concerning anyone but especially my daughter. Scolding her and telling her to stop crying crosses my own parental boundaries and it triggers me, even if she’s “fake crying.” I feel there are other ways of handling it but I digress.

He doesnt put his clean clothes away because he “doesn’t have time” because he’s busy caring for our toddler, which is complete bullshit. I have time to wash, put my own clothes AND our kid’s clothes away. She has swimming lessons tonight and it’s his turn to swim with her, so he asked me to wash his trunks and an outfit for him for afterwards- I have zero idea what’s clean and what’s dirty. I don’t know where all 3 of his swim trunks are. I don’t even know where the towels are, and we split shared items (he does bedsheets/towels and I do our kid’s clothes) so he is the one who has lost ALLLLLL of them.

I can’t take it anymore. Whatever I am doing or saying is clearly incorrect, because nothing is helping or getting better. I just want to yell and cry and sleep all day, I don’t know what else to do. I’ve started stress eating and I dissociate when I’m around others. I don’t know how to relax, it’s constantly being interrupted or overshadowed by mom guilt because my daughter is sad when I’m not around. I grew up with an angry parent and an impatient parent (and both parents weren’t entirely present to some extent), and I know how that has impacted me and made me feel; I don’t want to be the same kind of parent. Any advice would be immensely appreciated.

I work at a level 3/4 special ed program for high schoolers and transitioning adults. The student I am usually assigned to tried to attack me multiple times today, and while this isn’t the first time he’s been aggressive towards me, this is the first time he has truly scared me and tried to attack beyond pinching. It was so bad I had to literally run away and hide behind a locked door while multiple teachers physically restrained him, because he tried to chase after me (I am pregnant and not safety trained, he is a foot taller than me and the situation was deteriorating quickly). They strongly suggested I stay out of his sight for the rest of the day, which was the last 20 minutes of school. This was all because he couldn’t watch tv after “bullying” his way out of gym, and I did not have the tv remote when we returned nor would I give him my phone to use (not that I have before anyway). I am his preferred staff member, even over his teacher, which has been fine until now.

I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel right now. Like I feel angry and hurt and resentful, but that in and of itself feels wrong. I know, to an extent, he can’t help it- but he’s also not completely helpless and he knows when he makes poor choices- like when he’s aggressive, he apologizes profusely after the fact and asks for reassurance that we’re “okay” throughout the day.

Can anyone relate? Am I wrong for feeling the way I do?