u/DragonflyNo19

I haven't felt joy or laughed in almost a year. I don't want to talk to anyone. Sometimes I swear I think I've actually died and am living in my version of hell. I can't even listen to music I'm so sad. Everything is like a land mine, everything reminds me of all the loss. Someone I know says it time to start rebuilding and that makes me angry, there is no rebuilding. I don't want to live like this.

Yeah only men who can't get pregnant can make choices about women's bodies. !! Haha

It's not very often that a tv interviewer ( In my opinion) really listens to the Guest. The majority of interviewers talk over or interject so much that they end up talking more than the guest sometimes.

I know everyone probably has a different style they like to watch, so I don't want to insult anyone's style.

I just really appreciate seeing someone ask a question and then actually listening l, especially in today's media where you'll see a full media room of people just talking all at once at each other. Haha.

I always feel like even though the interview time may be short, I get so much information about the person because she lets them talk....which is the whole point of them being there :)

Thoughts??

I will start out by saying, I've had nightmares almost 95% of my sleep throughout life and I've experienced sleep paralysis since the age of 5. So Im very capable of lucid dreaming because of the regular nightmare experience, I am aware of being in a nightmare and my survival trick was to know I could decide to wake if it becomes too intense. The sleep paralysis comes with or without forcing myself awake, and I combat that by learning to move my pinky finger and then the rest of my body follows- i have NEVER experienced sleep paralysis with shadow people/demons/entities never once. So I'm not confusing last night with any of those possible explanations.

Throughout the day yesterday I kept falling into unintentional naps and each time the nightmares were intense, I woke up to sleep paralysis four or five times.

So I was not really wanting to sleep last night because I was feeling like a prisoner to the nightmares and just returning to the exact spot I left the nightmare over and over.

Around 11 I started feeling intense tingling. Restless itching kinda likes chills. I have had this before but I perceived it as anxiety as I am in a very emotional situation in life.

I fell asleep a few times. Each time I would feel like I was conscious and then id get the sense I was shaken in a way, (similar to the sensation of falling waking you up) but this felt like shaking upwards.

I woke up once or twice instantly upin having that feeling. I would sense the paralysis and then jerk back into sleep.

I desperately wanted to avoid the nightmare, so I did the hardest but previously fail safe method of yelling in the dream. It feels like every single cell in your body has to force a sound out against an intense unbearable weight, but I managed to gurgle ' help' and my eyes opened.

I at first felt relief because I did not feel sleep paralysis. I felt I was able to move, but when I looked down at my hands which were clasped above my chest. The movement I felt was in shadowy limbs hovering over my physical body.

I've read quite a bit on astral projection, and especially because I had a friend say his astral projection experience started in sleep paralysis. But truthfully, I worry about a potential for my AP experiences to be like my nightmares and not a something I felt I should actively pursue.

I contemplated it for a bit, I knew my friend advised imagining a rope and pulling up from his physical body and for a moment I tried to let myself go into the experience. I remembered that I could snap back if I felt fear. I started to let myself leave my body. And the unknown was too terrifying and I didn't feel safe. But I didn't snap back. I focused on my mouth and yelled out to my roommate over and over.

They came over and I managed to say I'm leaving my body. I gurgle touch my hand. I watched as they literally moved past the shadow limb and touch one hand. I could talk easily now and hand returned to one hand....then while looking up to the other side still hovering on my right side I notice shimmer behind their shoulder. And foot away- what looked like my gorgeous grandma but if I had looked at a light and squeezed my eyes....you know how you see an image and it's shimmery and not solid but you know the image, that's what she looked like..

I felt like I wasn't supposed to return to my body that she had come to help me with the situation that's been so emotional and unbearable right now.

But I also felt I had already missed the opportunity and asked my friend to touch the other hand.

What where your side effects physically after AP experience especially first time? I feel very effected by the experience. But more in a way that I'm peaceful but curious and part of me wishing I had more time to see gorgeous to know what she came to help me know ..but comfort just by realizing she came.

Quickest summary I can manage. I have 3 children. The older two are with my ex husband who was abusive during the marriage and all 6 years of the divorce. My youngest is with the love of my life.

This year my ex husband started a new pattern of coming over unexpectedly and taking my older two children abruptly ( knowing that I won't make a scene) then call the police and say something happened. They'd come by and ask me what was wrong....I say I'm not sure. I'd tell them he took the kids but it was okay. They'd advise me to call them if he comes back and fell unsafe.

I've always be unsafe with him but Ive been afraid to ever do much other than document my injuries and only talk through text because if the level of abusive threatening language he used. I made very conscious decision to never allow myself to respond with any angry mean abusive language. Just neutral and kind as id be to any stranger.

After a few times of the new pattern. This summer.

My ex husband drive 30 across town and met the kids at the park around the corner from my house. They have watches so be in constant contact with them ( basically if I feed them Mac and cheese for dinner I get a king abusive message about what a shitty mom I am) that's totally expected.

Next thing I know I'm being taken by the police because they were tested for drugs in their system.

All 3 children were with me that whole weekend until he came and snatched the older two. My youngest if course totally fine... because she was never with my ex husband obviously.

There are so many obvious signs that he pre planned this. The fact that he was doing this already. The fact that his brother is a police detective. The fact that they could go through all my medical history and know I've never had those substances in my possession.

The fact that the cps officer explicitly said the kids interviews were coached for reasons she said the kids gave information that they wouldn't have known to say. Just verbatim information that is normal for my ex to pressure them I to doing.og and the fact he moved the next day closed the sale in his million dollar home the next day no way they didn't have this in the works???? Three days before they start school at the school they've been for 6 years? Didn't tell me anything about it....so?

They took my phone and searched my house and took a capsule out for testing. Joke was in the it was magnesium, but I could have told them that.

I can't see or talk it any of my children until this is finished. For awhile I was managing to hold it together. Because I was staying with my youngest and her father and not everything was completely lost.

Then the detectives starting dropping by to do interviews and we decided I needed to not be around or they might take the youngest away.

So I've been staying at a women's shelter where I can't be found.

They finished the investigation. I turned myself in and now I'm not allowed to have any contact with anyone until after this or I go straight to jail throughout the trial. He of course knows the history with my ex and knows I don't have drugs and would never give to my children so he adamantly said that. He said they often would try to push him to say something untrue and he refused.

I am paralyzed with grief. I cry from the moment my eyes open until I fall asleep and that is not an exaggeration. My ex husband had been stating to tell me his new marriage was going to end in divorce because of me, I couldn't imagine why but I would just say " oh I'm sorry your going through that."

Now I see he made a way to disappear me, it's been almost a year and at this point most days I feel it would have been kinder to just out a bullet in my brain.

I could use some help or something anything. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I am only not suicidal because I haven't met my defense attorney to talk about all the documentation I've saved of the abuse and to ask for my ex phone to be taken and medical records. And all the things I pray clearly show I could not have done this.