u/Dramatic-Raccoon7916

Hi everyone! I’m posting here because I really want a dad’s perspective on this.

I’m 37f, have fertility issues, and am unexpectedly 7 weeks pregnant. I really want to keep this baby, but my husband is against it right now due to financial situation.

He has selflessly supported us for two years while I finished my PhD. His income isn't awful, but we live in an expensive German city and are currently going into the negative each month. I’m currently unemployed, and being a foreigner with limited German has made the job hunt brutal. On top of the money stress, my husband is high-functioning autistic, so big life changes are incredibly hard for him, and he is spiraling into worst-case thinking about the future of the world. I don’t have full German benefits as I’ve never worked here before but we would at least be getting €550 euros in assistance from the gov even if I don’t find a job. If I do, they will pay 65-80% of my average monthly income this year for maternity leave plus “Kindergeld” (€250) which the child gets until they are 18 assuming we still live here.

He wants to abort and "try again in a year," but with my fertility issues, I know we may never get another chance. I am qualified and will find a job eventually, but he is trapped in fight-or-flight mode. He’s been out of town for two weeks, and while I understand his stress when we talk, I wake up every morning knowing that aborting this baby will be deeply traumatic for me.

For the dads here: Were you initially completely against a pregnancy or wanting an abortion? How did your partner tell you she didn’t want to abort even though she understood the difficulties? How did your feelings change after the baby arrived, and what did your partner do to help your anxiety?

I know he’s going to be a good and supportive father but I think he’s too scared to take that step. I don’t want to push him too far bc I don’t want there to be resentment. I know there’s things we can do to make it work financially.

I am approximately 7 weeks pregnant with my first pregnancy. The problem is I just finished a PhD and am unemployed in a country where I am not yet fluent in the language yet. My husband has pulled out $70k (most of it was for taking care of us financially) for our wedding and for me to be able to finish the PhD. Although I have been living here for the past two years, I won’t receive the normal benefits of someone who has worked here. For example, people receive between 65-80% of their monthly paycheck for parental leave, but since I haven't worked here, I will only receive the base of €300 per month for up to a year. On top of this, we will receive €250 per month from the government until the child reaches 18 or finishes college, as long as they live with us and we’re in the country.

I’m still looking for a job, but the fact that my language skills are not up to a business level has made it extremely difficult. Being pregnant will make it that much harder, as pregnant women get extremely good legal protections here. I’ve applied to over 200 jobs and have only received 4 interviews. In addition, our parents are back in the U.S., so we will not have free help whenever we want. However, I know that my mom would come for 3 months at a time (the length of her tourist visa) to help whenever she could.

My husband is convinced we will need to move back home for help and that he will have to quit his postdoc work, which could otherwise lead him to a professorship. I disagree and think that our child should at least first get the right to German citizenship, and that we could live off of very little if we optimized our budget. I am not willing to move back home, as this environment is ideal for raising a child: it is safe, there’s plenty of social support, and life is built with children in mind. Our child would have everything they need growing up, including free education. If I can’t find a job, staying might be harder, but I think my husband will eventually see the benefits of staying; right now, I feel his stance is just a panic response to get me to abort. I also have about $100k of student debt back home that I have been unable to pay. Moving back home would not be ideal.

My husband is naturally responding to the fear and the fact that he has already graciously taken care of us for the last two years while I finished school. While I understand this, I don’t know how easy it will be to get pregnant again since I have PCOS and thought I couldn’t get pregnant at all. I believe that these financial difficulties are just temporary. I’m still looking for a job and am sure I will eventually find one.

Did you have trouble getting your husband on board? How did you get him to see that the hardship was temporary but the abortion could be permanent to you? I understand his worries and am not minimizing them, but I do see that letting go of this choice could have permanent consequences. I really want to be a mother. I feel selfish asking for this though given how much my husband has given up of his own savings (that he made prior to knowing me). Since getting pregnant, I have had worries about my own career, but I have mostly been happy and grateful that my body can do this except for when thinking about abortion. I do not want an abortion but also want my husband to be on board without backing him into a corner.

I’m in my late 30s, unemployed, living in Europe, and just finished a PhD. Because I don't qualify for benefits yet and am recovering from severe burnout, my husband and I are in deep financial difficulty on his salary alone. We’ve made the painful decision to abort and try again in a year once we are stable.

My husband had to go out of town right after we found out, and given some deadlines he had, I decided not to stress him out yet with my last-minute fears until the weekend. Alone, hormonal, and panicked about my closing fertility window and the quick decision, I reached out to a few friends and my mom for support hoping to understand my situation better and my choices. I regretted telling my mom immediately. She got extremely excited and kept sending texts about it. I told her to please stop until a final decision was made or knowing if the pregnancy was healthy.

I am devastated. While she claims to be open-minded, I am terrified she will judge or be angry about the abortion due to my age. I really love my mom and she is an amazing person, but I think her need for a grandchild will make her judgmental. My next doctors appointment is a week from Monday and she knows that.

Did anyone else make the mistake of telling a parent before deciding? How did it go when you broke the news, or did you choose to tell them you had a miscarriage instead to not go into detail?

I am currently just over 6 weeks pregnant, and up until I found out on June 8th, I was drinking almost nightly, smoking shisha heavily on one evening a few nights before my positive test, and taking my daily Vyvanse. There were a few nights where I drank more heavily up to half a bottle of whiskey. My husband and I both drank frequently in our PhDs due to the stress so about 5 or so years. The moment I saw the positive test, I stopped everything immediately. I went to the OBGYN, but they only confirmed it was an early pregnancy without giving me an exact date. Because I have PCOS, my cycles run long. based on my last period on May 2nd, body changes, and the dates we had sex, I believe I ovulated around May 19th. Around May 28th, I felt some pinching that might have been implantation. I took a test on June 3rd that appeared negative.
I know people talk about the 'all-or-nothing' rule in early pregnancy, but I am still afraid as maybe I did damage that we won’t be able to see until later or adulthood. what are the actual chances I have permanently affected my baby?

This stress is compounding an already intense situation. I just finished my PhD and am searching for a job in a country where I don’t speak the language yet. While I have a good shot at one position, my husband is strongly leaning toward abortion due to our financial instability and his deep fear of potential harm to the child. We both drank heavily over the last five years to cope with the stress of our PhDs, so he is also terrified that his sperm health was compromised. He wants to terminate this pregnancy and try again in a year, once I am securely employed and qualify for full maternity benefits. That said we are now living in a country that will still provide amazing benefits even for someone who doesn’t yet qualify for full benefits due to employment.

However, the decision isn't that simple for me. Doctors previously told me I would likely need IVF and ovulation treatments to conceive, as my cycles lasted up to 40-100 days before I started thyroid medication. Now they are more around 32-40. Because of that diagnosis, I am not convinced it will be easy or even possible to get pregnant again if we pass up this chance. We live in Germany that subsidizes fertility treatments, but only until age 40, which leaves us an incredibly narrow window to try again. My husband is also very anxious about the state of the world and is relying on that safety net as a reason to wait post midterms in the U.S. before deciding. I am not really in agreement that this is a reason to wait but the health and being able to provide for our child is important to me.

Ultimately, I am struggling with two competing worries: I am worried that if we terminate, I may never be able to conceive again, but at the same time, I desperately want to give my child every chance at life and ensure they grow into a perfectly normal, healthy adult. Should I continue pregnancy or wait until we both get in shape and healthy this year and have secured some financial stability? Thank you!

I’m 6 weeks pregnant with my first child, 179 cm (5’10.5”) and 98.5 kg (217 lbs). I’ve recently lost about 10 lbs (didn’t know I was pregnant), stay active, and plan to continue exercising throughout pregnancy.

I’m currently interviewing for jobs and trying to get a realistic idea of how long pregnancy might not be obvious to others.

For those with a similar height/build, when did you start showing? When did other people start noticing? Did exercise, healthy eating, and the fact of cutting out alcohol affect when your pregnancy became noticeable?

Thanks for your help!

I’m 37 and recently found out I’m pregnant.

My husband and I have been together for seven years and married for several. We discussed children seriously before getting married and he said he thought he wanted them, but recently before this pregnancy said he was feeling against it. After an hour after telling him and a stressful response he mentioned picturing the baby which made him happy, but mentioned having a baby later now that we have that choice. I’ve wanted children for a long time, but because of PCOS, hypothyroidism, and highly irregular cycles, I honestly didn’t think it would happen naturally. Over time, I made peace with the possibility that it might never happen, especially since my career and financial stability weren’t where I wanted them to be.

Over the past year, after thyroid treatment, metformin, and a significant reduction in stress, my cycles became much more regular. I recently finished my PhD and unexpectedly became pregnant without fertility treatment.

The timing is difficult. I’m currently unemployed since July of 2024, looking for work, and living in Germany as an immigrant. My husband and I are not in the financial position we hoped to be in before having children. It’s not entirely fair to him if I can’t find a job. He has depleted his savings trying to support us. Because I have not yet worked here, the financial and social support available to me would be more limited than if I had already established a career.

If I knew with certainty that I could have another healthy pregnancy in one or two years, I would probably lean toward waiting a year. Given my age and fertility history, I’m afraid that if I end this pregnancy, there may not be another opportunity.

At the same time, I want to be financially stable, healthy, and able to provide the life I imagined for a child. I’m worried stalling my career any further will be detrimental. My husband is worried about finances, timing, and the future in general. He has talked about moving back to our home country if we continue the pregnancy, which is something I do not want. I don’t want to raise a child there, even if it would mean having more family support. If I have a job and support here we are much more likely to stay and have a better life for our child.

What makes this so difficult is that I want this baby, but I also understand the reasons for waiting.

For people who have faced a similar situation, how did you decide? If you chose to wait at a similar age and circumstance, were you able to have children later? If you continued a pregnancy despite imperfect circumstances, how did things turn out? For those who terminated a wanted pregnancy because of timing, do you regret the decision? Were you able to conceive again?

My doctor could not detect a heartbeat yet because it is still very early. He wants me to come back in two weeks for another scan before continuing the abortion. Idk if this was a stall tactic. I think if I wait that long, I may choose to continue the pregnancy even if it is not the right choice bc I feel I’m becoming more irrational since I want a child and carrying one now. Every day that passes makes this so much harder.

I also don’t think my husband wants this pregnancy right now, and I’m not sure he will actually want to try again later even though he said hes open to trying under the right circumstances (politically and financially). It really is heartbreaking for me to think about that and I feel it’s not fair either way.

As the title says, I just found out I’m pregnant (37 years old).

After years of going back and forth about whether and when to try for children, I got a positive pregnancy test. For a long time I assumed it probably wasn’t possible without medical assistance. I have a history of extremely irregular cycles (PCOS) and had been told I likely need fertility treatment, ovulation medication, or IVF if we ever decided to pursue having children. Given that I have yet to reach a stable place in my life, I made peace with the possibility that it might never happen.

My husband and I have been married for a few years and together for seven and have discussed children many times, but he’s never been completely sure he wants them. Before we got married, children were something I shared was important to me in our future. He told me he thought he’d want them eventually, and we both went into the marriage with that understanding. His hesitation has mostly been about the state of the world and finances.

Lately he switched to not wanting kids at all. When I told him about the pregnancy he was initially anxious, but with space told me the thought of holding his own child made him happy. The following 2 days have been harder as he has been toward termination given our financial situation, with the possibility of trying again in about a year.

The timing is not great. My husband and I moved abroad for his postdoc while I finished my PhD. My PhD ended up taking about nine years due to a combination of extreme life circumstances, severe burnout, and other challenges. I finally completed it earlier this year, but I’ve been unemployed and have struggled to find work because I’m living in a country where I don’t yet speak the language fluently and many positions require business level proficiency. I’ve applied to nearly 200 jobs with only a handful of interviews, but I have a second in-person interview coming up soon for a position I feel good about. It would start in a few months though. I would likely be showing at that time.

Financially, things are not ideal. Neither my husband and I have not been healthy, drinking often due to the heavy stress of us both finishing out PhDs. I’m also overweight atm (I used to be in great shape in early 30s). My husband has been carrying almost all of our expenses on a postdoc salary in an expensive city. I have significant debt back in our home country. His family is well off and have been very generous already. I know it’s not ideal but they would likely help if we decided to continue the pregnancy but they’ve already helped out a lot. The benefits in this country are also good: healthcare is excellent and it would honestly be a good place to raise a child, assuming we can stay here. He tells me he thinks we would have to move home if we had the baby now to get support which I am not ok with. I was extremely unhappy back in my country and I have significant debt that I haven’t been able to pay from my PhD stipend not being enough.

We have a confirmation appointment coming up tomorrow. I know termination is probably the practical choice right now, but I’m also aware I’m 37 with PCOS, my cycles have finally regulated on thyroid medication, and I got pregnant naturally which I wasn’t sure was possible. I’m scared this may not happen again though. I’ve mostly been trying to cut off my emotions completely but I completely broke down tonight while I sat alone in the other room. My husband is saying we should just ask for abortion after the 3 day waiting period. I am sure if I do not get this position that I will not likely find another while pregnant unless I’m somehow able to come up with some consultancy work on upwork or something.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for by posting this. Maybe I’m hoping to hear from people who found themselves unexpectedly pregnant at a very unstable point in life. If you chose to continue the pregnancy, how did things turn out honestly? If you chose abortion but were on the fence about timing, how do you honestly feel about that decision now? If you had children while dealing with debt, unemployment, career uncertainty, or other major life stressors alongside age and health constraints, what was your experience?

I’m just trying to hear from people who have actually been in a similar situation and can share how they felt looking back. Thank you 💙