u/DrawingWinter4390

I hope one day I'll have the guts to tell you I love you. I hope one day I'll be able to move on and understand loving you wasn't about the recipcated feelings it was about understanding how far my love can go, it was understanding how far I can push my limits until I break. Of course I wish we could have happened who wouldn't but at some point my love can only go so far before I break my own heart by holding out hope. I can only yearn for you for so long because at some point my love can't go any further for you. It sits and it festers until the love turns ugly and I don't recognize the person standing in front of the mirror anymore. Sometimes its a bad thing sometimes it's a good thing I don't recognize the person in the mirror, but I'm worried who I'm gonna look like when your gone.

I hope one day I'll have the guts to tell you I love you. I hope one day I'll be able to move on and understand loving you wasn't about the recipcated feelings it was about understanding how far my love can go, it was understanding how far I can push my limits until I break. Of course I wish we could have happened who wouldn't but at some point my love can only go so far before I break my own heart by holding out hope. I can only yearn for you for so long because at some point my love can't go any further for you. It sits and it festers until the love turns ugly and I don't recognize the person standing in front of the mirror anymore. Sometimes its a bad thing sometimes it's a good thing I don't recognize the person in the mirror, but I'm worried who I'm gonna look like when your gone.

The scariest part about loving you is that I'll never know when it ends. I'll never know if I get over you and move on, or if I just fall more in love with you. I'm not afraid to say it anymore Im in love with you and you should feel special because your the first person I've ever loved. and you know maybe your love wasn't to teach me what love is but to show me how deep my love can run, it supposed to show how far my feelings can go for a person. I just hope one day I have the guts to tell you that I love you because you deserve to know.

I knew we could never happen, I never thought that one day you would wake up and decide today's the day I’m going to burn down the life I’ve created to be with her. 
And yet I got my hopes up all the same, maybe not so hope but so much as though the “What ifs” got to me
I think I started to read into every detail even if it was true I think I started to believe you knew how I felt, 
I was holding on to the fact that maybe you felt even a fraction of what I do. 
I held on that maybe you saw the way my eyes lingered- on you but never on your eyes because I would get scared,
 the way my face blushed when you sought me out,
 the way I'd jump at your presence. 
I thought that maybe you saw it all and chose to ignore it 
maybe you're just oblivious and feel just as strange as I do.
 We're more than friends but less than lovers.
 I don’t know what to call us because what we are supposed to be is not even close to what we are.
 I don’t know how to describe it but the only thing I can think of when I'm with you is how beautiful you are. 
How much every time I see you upset or crying I want to come hold you because that's what you deserve. 
You deserve the world but I can’t be the one to give you that.
 You deserve to have somebody hold you on your restless nights and the days when you're too stressed to think.
You deserve to have somebody your not ashamed to be with
You deserve to have somebody who sees your every flaw and still chooses to stay
Because I want to be that for you, but I know we can never happen
I’m just waiting for my heart to finish catching up

Loving you hurts sometimes. I know we can't happen and I think I'm slowly accepting it. The only thing that's lagging behind is my heart. My mind has accepted that we can't happen and that I can only love you behind boundaries, I can show you my love just not romantically. I can tell you how much you mean to but behind the disguise of a "friend" I just want to tell you I love. Maybe if I told you to break my heart on purpose I would be able to get over you, that once I hear the words come out of your mouth then maybe my heart will catch on. But at least I only have 8 days with you left and the only the only thing my heart can think about is the heartache of losing you

I knew from the start of our relationship I was going to have a crush on her, she's gorgeous, funny, kind, and she's not afraid to share her opinion (Well at least with me) I've always been the type of person who overthinks and stresses about everything and I can't ever seem to get out of my own head and she does the same. Everyday I try to ease her nerves by telling her she's enough and that she's doing an amazing job (Because she is) I write her things all the time to tell her that and I don't think anybody tells her it, or they just don't tell her enough.

I realized months ago I was in love with her, I've had crushes and infatuation before but this is my first real love and its so difficult to not be able to hold her when she finally breaks and lets all her stress go. I asked her a few weeks ago under the disguise of somebody's else name of what we were because I needed a definition. I need a definition so I could maybe move on and get over it. But I didn't she said "Well I've never defined it in my head, I mean your someone I enjoy talking to, someone I feel I can open up too, somebody who I enjoy listening to. I don't think there's a word to describe what we are but if I had to pick I would choose friend."

I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I wanted to jump up and down like a little girl, I wanted to do everything but keep my composure and act like that didn't facture my heart. I had to stand there and act like that word didn't do something to my inside. I had to smile and keep my mouth shut so I didn't say that 4 letter word that would have destroyed everything. A few days letter I wrote her a letter telling her how much I appreciated her and how she was right there was no word to describe us, but whatever we were was something special to me.

After I gave it to her we talked and she said "You know I'm gonna miss you, I'm gonna miss this, Miss talking to you, miss our relationship" Again I wanted to cry I wanted to do anything but what I was supposed to. What do you do in that scenario when your in love with the person! Nothing. Nothing is what you can do, you have to respond as if its not breaking you hearing those words come out of their mouth. I told I she was gonna make me cry and I needed to leave to catch my ride. Hearing her say those words warmed my heart and broke it at the same time, because I know to a certain degree she feels the same, she's gonna miss me to.

It scares me because she's loves me in an entirely different way then I love her. And every day I want to tell her how much she means to be without staying behind boundaries. I want to tell her shes my first thought in the morning and my last at night, shes the one who makes my heart beat a speed I didn't even know it could, shes the one who makes me feel things about myself I didn't know I could feel, shes the one I imagine a future with. I imagine a stressful day and just sitting on the couch and her wrapped up in my arms, and looking down at her with all the love I feel.

You know I loved you, you were my first love and I didn't even get to hold you, I didn't get to tell you I loved you every time I felt the surge in my body. That first year of knowing you I was head over heels I was surviving off the what ifs and the maybes. I told myself everyday she'll never love me because she already had someone to love and even if they weren't together why choose me.

Every time I saw you break down, when you dropped that wall, when you dropped the mask all I wanted to do was hold you and tell you, you didn't have to be strong. Because looking at you I dont know if anyone's ever told you that. You created a sense of love I was waiting for the kind I dreamed of but once you started giving those mixed signals my brain went into over drive and I thought maybe you saw the way my eyes lingered or ​the way I would catch myself staring at your lips wondering what they tasted like. I wondered if they were as sweet as your name.

I wondered if you saw the way my face turned red in a matter of minutes of just looking into your eyes, but you never did. Or if you did you didn't want to lose what we had as much as I did. Maybe you knew all along and in a way I kinda hope you did, I hope you know you could make somebody swoon the way I did, I hope you know you could cause someone to lose their mind just by a touch of your hand.

I say this to say I loved you and if I'm being honest I still do. I'm trying to bury the feelings and just accept what we are. But our time is coming to end. After I leave this place everything we do moving forward is a choice, not a requirement of the job. It's a choice and I don't know if I'm willing to let you burn down your life to keep me.

I hoped for awhile there the universe would let me keep you just so I could experience this love a little longer even if it killed me. But now I kept you a year longer the feelings still havent faded, I just thought you should know moving forward I've been in love with you for 2 years, I've loved you behind boundaries, behind secret love letters and now my love for you is out in the open and it's your choice to still keep me as what we are or scrap me all together.

I know we can never happen, I know that now. I really knew it from the start but I thought maybe just maybe it would happen with the things you would say to me or the way you look at me but I now know for certain it can't happen and yet I still want you. My heart still only beats for you, my mind is only ever filled with thoughts of you and I don't know if I'm willing to let go yet. I love you and it's the problem because love makes you do stupid crazy things and I feel stupid everyday I still put myself out there for you hoping that one day maybe I could be yours even though you already have someone to call your own. I know we can never happen and yet my heart still wants you all the same.

I finally admitted out loud to someone who wasn't myself that I fell In love with you. I finally admitted that you make me feel seen in ways I haven't in my entire life, how just by a simple statement of you noticing something so small I grow weak. I finally said it and I've never felt better. I told them that I lied to you and asked what we were as a disguise under somebody elses name. You said you've never labeled it in your head but if you had to pick I guess it would be a friend. I know that's all we can be but it felt good to hear you love me back out loud even if it was behind a boundary.

I’ve had crushes before, I’ve also had the occasional infatuation for someone in authority to me but this. This is different. Before I would want to be talking to them constantly because I felt like that was the only time I would be their center focus, but with her it's different. I can just sit in the same room as her and I get butterflies that have a field day in my stomach. The smile that touches my lips just by looking at her is fuller it seems. It's not like the books where it says “Her smile stretched from ear to ear” This smile is something deeper that I don’t know how to explain other than that she's the only one that enlightens it. My eyes are different now too, I can see it in the way I view myself when I look in the mirror. I’ve never been a confident gal but when I think about what you would think with the things I wear or the way I do my makeup I find myself smiling at just the idea. I’m trying to stay within the professional boundaries because I can sense the micro shifts. I may be delusional but I'm not dumb. I can see the way you're slightly pulling back, I don't know if it's on purpose or just because our time is coming to an end but I can see it. Every time I see you wearing those jeans or your hair is down I lose it in my mind. The butterflies come back and the smile is brighter, those are the days I want the boundaries to be gone because I want to tell you that I love you, and you look gorgeous effortlessly. I want to tell you you're the moon that orbits my world, you're my dandelion in a field of poppies. You're my everything. I want to be yours but I know you already have one. And i’m scared maybe the connection I felt has all been in my head to feed my delusions.

I’ve had crushes before, I’ve also had the occasional infatuation for someone in authority to me but this. This is different. Before I would want to be talking to them constantly because I felt like that was the only time I would be their center focus, but with her it's different. I can just sit in the same room as her and I get butterflies that have a field day in my stomach. The smile that touches my lips just by looking at her is fuller it seems. It's not like the books where it says “Her smile stretched from ear to ear” This smile is something deeper that I don’t know how to explain other than that she's the only one that enlightens it. My eyes are different now too, I can see it in the way I view myself when I look in the mirror. I’ve never been a confident gal but when I think about what you would think with the things I wear or the way I do my makeup I find myself smiling at just the idea. I’m trying to stay within the professional boundaries because I can sense the micro shifts. I may be delusional but I'm not dumb. I can see the way you're slightly pulling back, I don't know if it's on purpose or just because our time is coming to an end but I can see it. Every time I see you wearing those jeans or your hair is down I lose it in my mind. The butterflies come back and the smile is brighter, those are the days I want the boundaries to be gone because I want to tell you that I love you, and you look gorgeous effortlessly. I want to tell you you're the moon that orbits my world, you're my dandelion in a field of poppies. You're my everything. I want to be yours but I know you already have one. And i’m scared maybe the connection I felt has all been in my head to feed my delusions.

I've never dreamed of anyone looking at me like that- She looked at me with such love & devotion that I kinda felt sick. My brain could hear what she was saying but I didn't remember what she was saying. I was just seeing the look in her eyes and it sent a weird feeling through my stomach. I was in a weird place with this dream, I was reacting in the dream but I could feel my body react at the same time.

I hug her normally on a daily basis sometimes for longer sometimes shorter. But in this dream she held me for long. It wasn't a normal hug, it was a hug from a lover after a long day. For some reason in the dream my mother was in the room and I had to whisper in her ear she was there and we had to be careful, even after that we didn't let go we just held each other for a few seconds longer. I could feel the heat of her against me and I didn't want to let go. For some other reason she prepared a slideshow about herself that she presented to my mother. That's when my brain short circuited in the dream and I couldn't gather what she was saying except that she was describing how much I've helped her. That's when the look came and I couldn't look away.

I kept looking at my mother to get her reaction but I got nothing so I just looked at the woman I loved and saw her eyes and the way they reflected everything I've ever wanted. I think my brain conjured this up because of the way we looked at each other in the hallway. I never look at her head on for long because it scares me. Her eyes are the truth serum to how I really feel. But in that hallway I looked at her and told her if she needed me just let me know. She grabbed my arm before I left and said thank you. But I looked at her like I loved her without actually saying the words.

Maybe that's why my mind picked that dream for the night. But that hug, I want to experience that in real life with her, I want to feel her against me. I want her to look at me with that love and devotion because I already look at her like she holds the world in her hands.

I've never dreamed of anyone looking at me like that- She looked at me with such love & devotion that I kinda felt sick. My brain could hear what she was saying but I didn't remember what she was saying. I was just seeing the look in her eyes and it sent a weird feeling through my stomach. I was in a weird place with this dream, I was reacting in the dream but I could feel my body react at the same time. I hug her normally on a daily basis sometimes for longer sometimes shorter. But in this dream she held me for long. It wasn't a normal hug, it was a hug from a lover after a long day. For some reason in the dream my mother was in the room and I had to whisper in her ear she was there and we had to be careful, even after that we didn't let go we just held each other for a few seconds longer. I could feel the heat of her against me and I didn't want to let go. For some other reason she prepared a slideshow about herself that she presented to my mother. That's when my brain short circuited in the dream and I couldn't gather what she was saying except that she was describing how much I've helped her. That's when the look came and I couldn't look away. I kept looking at my mother to get her reaction but I got nothing so I just looked at the woman I loved and saw her eyes and the way they reflected everything I've ever wanted. I think my brain conjured this up because of the way we looked at each other in the hallway. I never look at her head on for long because it scares me. Her eyes are the truth serum to how I really feel. But in that hallway I looked at her and told her if she needed me just let me know. She grabbed my arm before I left and said thank you. But I looked at her like I loved her without actually saying the words. Maybe that's why my mind picked that dream for the night. But that hug, I want to experience that in real life with her, I want to feel her against me. I want her to look at me with that love and devotion because I already look at her like she holds the world in her hands.

I've never dreamed of anyone looking at me like that- She looked at me with such love & devotion that I kinda felt sick. My brain could hear what she was saying but I didn't remember what she was saying. I was just seeing the look in her eyes and it sent a weird feeling through my stomach. I was in a weird place with this dream, I was reacting in the dream but I could feel my body react at the same time. I hug her normally on a daily basis sometimes for longer sometimes shorter. But in this dream she held me for long. It wasn't a normal hug, it was a hug from a lover after a long day. For some reason in the dream my mother was in the room and I had to whisper in her ear she was there and we had to be careful, even after that we didn't let go we just held each other for a few seconds longer. I could feel the heat of her against me and I didn't want to let go. For some other reason she prepared a slideshow about herself that she presented to my mother. That's when my brain short circuited in the dream and I couldn't gather what she was saying except that she was describing how much I've helped her. That's when the look came and I couldn't look away. I kept looking at my mother to get her reaction but I got nothing so I just looked at the woman I loved and saw her eyes and the way they reflected everything I've ever wanted. I think my brain conjured this up because of the way we looked at each other in the hallway. I never look at her head on for long because it scares me. Her eyes are the truth serum to how I really feel. But in that hallway I looked at her and told her if she needed me just let me know. She grabbed my arm before I left and said thank you. But I looked at her like I loved her without actually saying the words. Maybe that's why my mind picked that dream for the night. But that hug, I want to experience that in real life with her, I want to feel her against me. I want her to look at me with that love and devotion because I already look at her like she holds the world in her hands.

I wonder what me loving you is supposed to teach me. They say we have 3 loves in are lifetime. The first one is young love. Why is my "young" love so difficult. I love her and I can never have her. I'd give up everything if it would mean I could know how she really feels in the moments I call her out or I tell her how much she means to me. I wonder what goes through her mind when she touches my arm, when she compliments the color of my shirt against my skin. I want to know if this is all normal for her or if she's playing with my mind. I just want to know how she really feels because my love is on a clock. 17 days until I no longer see you and I don't know if I'll have the heart to walk away without ruining you.

Fuck I love you so much it hurts me. I don't just want the perfection I want everything. I want every scar and every wound left behind and I want to heal it for you so your whole. I want to be the one you look at in the morning i want to be the one that you fall asleep too at night. I want to do unspeakable things with you. But at least I know all of this is wrong.

I don't know if you know how far my obsession runs with you but I'm starting to think you know that I at least love you outside of what our relationship should look like. I've never dreamed of someone looking at me the way you did that night, the dream was so surreal. I was asleep and yet everytime you spoke I felt my body reacting in real life.

I think my mind conjured up this dream because of the way we looked at each other Wednesday. I always get to scared to look at you directly for long periods of time because it's like your eyes are the truth serum to how I'm feeling inside. But Wednesday when it was just me and you I looked at you head on and I said "if you need me just let me know" I didn't say it fast and I didn't say it shy. I said it how I would want to tell you I love you without actually saying the words.

After that you grabbed my arm. My bare arm because of my tank top. I thought it was an unspoken rule to not touch outside of our hugs but it seems you've been breaking that rule recently. Maybe on purpose maybe on accident or maybe subconsciously. But I hope to God that it's on purpose because I can't take the mixed signals anymore.

I don't know how to describe it but you've been acting different. Some days your more opened some days your more closed off, When you close yourself off those are the days I want to tell you I love you the most. I know I shouldn't but I want to so badly its not funny anymore. People keep trying to tell me that "Your not in love with her your in love with the idea of her" Or "Its just young love nobody wants the mess of somebody else" The thing is I do, I want all of your mess. I want the sleepless nights I want the self criticism, the stress, the days where you don't want to wake up. I want to know how you really feel. With no filters and no boundaries just tell me. so I can help you. Please.