Never had the room to figure out who I was, what I wanted in life. Because everyone always decided what was best for me. Had to flee from my abusive home only to develope severe PTSD. Finished my degree somehow and got a good job, only to break down and lose everything while I got to see everyone else get jobs and work through 'normal problems'. While I had to go to therapy for 10 years to try and fix myself.
Always felt attracted to bad people, I knew they were bad but I kept trying. And every time I got let down. Can see all my problems so clearly. But somehow I keep falling in the traps. Have an intuition that is usually right. But I never listen to it because everyone always told me to keep going. Don't listen to that. Don't do what you like, do what we tell you.
And now I tried a job, knew beforehand it was bad for me. And ofcourse the inevitable happend and I could not take it anymore. Another month wasted, the hope I build up depleted. Again. People mad at me, telling me what to do and I can't just give up. While everything inside me has been screaming since the beginning to get the hell out of there.
Spoke about potential options with better employers. And now my enjoyment for that is suffering. Because I think everything I try, fails. Sorry that I was abused, sorry that no one ever really listened to me besides one amazing therapy dog and my own dog. O yeah, and that one therapist where it had to stop just as they were getting close. Love my friends to death but ofcourse I will always be the crazy one they can't really let close. Life is fine, good even sometimes. But never as great as I see it could have been.
Like I want this. Like I want it to be difficult. Like I want to be in a place where I am not happy. I just want a steady job where I can use my brain and empathy, where I get the room to work in peace and finally just try to live a normal life and develop myself further. You know, what I should have gotten the option for 10 years ago.
Don't want to sound ungratefull. I could have had it ten times worse, hell, probally would have been dead if I would not have had those great friends. That great dog. And for some reason a good heart and a stubborness to actually go to therapy and figure out what to do. As my home doctor could not.
It just sucks that I am always behind on where I know I could have been if I had not had the great luck of being born as a white male in a safe country. With an alcoholic abusive dad and a scared mom.
Am probally fine. Just had to vent this out of me as I can't really do it in a normal way with friends. And work through it alone. What I am used to by now.