u/Dry-Combination8608

Incoming rant...

Why is that when we talk about anorexia nervosa in society or we discuss binging and purging or any type of restrictive style eating disorder it's seen as a tragic and painful condition (it is) but when we talk about what leads people to obesity it's seen as people with lack of will power, laziness, and met with disgust?

Maybe just being obese by itself isn't an ED, but whatever has been going on with me my whole life that led me to being obese was not simply a lack of will power. It was DISORDERED. EATING.

I have been eating to ignore painful emotions since childhood when I was first abused. Eating was my "drug of choice" it was I used to soothe my nervous system. This is a form of eating disorder surely, but because it wasn't bulimia, or even really binge eating disorder by definition (eating tons of food at once), or anorexia, it wasn't taken seriously.

An ongoing unhealthy relationship where you use food to cope emotionally and make unhealthy decisions because you have poor mental health... is somehow not considered an eating disorder?

Now am I saying all obese people have an eating disorder or have to claim they have one, absolutely not. But for me, that idea resonates strongly with me. Because it is not just as simple as following a diet. It's a whole mental health reset and journey. You have to decide you're worth it, and then you have to sit with the emotions you used to numb with food.

Then there's this whole other element where if you discuss wanting to look good or feel good in your body again, people get all weird about that because they associate any type of desire to look good with having body image issues and restrictive issues. Umm... I'm obese. I do not restrict. I do not have body image issues, unless of course you mean the fact that I have completely ignored my body and neglected my health for years. Maybe I SHOULD face the music a little bit about my body. Maybe I should feel a little bit of consciousness towards it, for ONCE. Instead of feeling absolutely disconnected from it.

Yet all the messaging is catered towards the opposite, and it is absolutely maddening. I feel like I live in a separate reality. People talking about skinny culture and how terrible body image issues are for women. I understand objectively how true that is. But in my experience, my desire for weight loss has nothing to do with that and everything to do with wanting to be healthy and wanting to finally like how I look in a GOOD WAY not an unhealthy way. Can't we have that perspective offered to? Why is it so black and white?

Why are people who struggle with food and underweight seen as wounded people and given support, but those who struggle with food and are overweight seen as lazy, gluttonous, and weak?

I don't know when this trend started to happen but I think people have started to equate being an open-minded, hip, or good person with pretending crime in cities isn't that bad.

Let my explain. In my fair city of Denver, for example, I had a male coworker tell me once when I complained about the danger on the transport system and how annoying it is that it's available but so unsafe, that I was completely wrong and it's perfectly safe. Buddy, you're a man who is over 6 foot and 230+ pounds, and I'm a woman. We do not see safety the same way. But he went on to say it's a conservative mindset and lie to think we are more unsafe today in cities than we were before and that I shouldn't fall for it. Well, my lived experience says otherwise! So maybe you should start listening to women.

You might be thinking.. why don't you just post this in Denver? Well, I actually think the mods would never let it through. There's a particular bad street in Denver thats famously bad and anytime people mention being fearful of living there or walking around there people flood the comments to call them a loser essentially and wax poetic about how it's just like anywhere else and you just have to use common sense. Okay, first of all, again I think that's a male-centric view, and maybe you're just a little misogynistic or dismissive of women, Kevin.

But also, I think there's this notion that people who think this way or are afraid of heavily congested open air drug use and homelessness are somehow sheltered people from privilege. Uhhhhh... for me it's the opposite. I know people who came from privilege who have 0 situational awareness and will walk down the worst neighborhood at 2 am blackout drunk because they have no street smarts or cares in the world.

Some of us have trauma from being around violence, open drug use, and chaos. Some of us can't handle being in bad neighborhoods because our nervous systems are already f'd up. So no, I'm not some weirdo nimby or someone fearful of people different than me. If that's your automatic assumption when I mention my fear of certain areas, maybe you're projecting and maybe that's the very reason you adopted your cool guy persona around these ideas

Lastly, the whole idea of "you're scared of homeless people? They're just like us" brooooooo.... if you talked to another homeless person once in your life, you'd know they are also scared of other homeless people. There are drugs, mental health issues, and desperation in poverty that escalate violence. It doesn't mean you're discriminatory to acknowledge that reality, and actually refusing that reality is more detrimental to everyone's safety including other homeless people

I feel like I've wasted too much time. I didn't care about my appearance or myself. Most importantly, I didn't care about my health. Which is why I'm trying to make the difference, more than anything else. Because I am starting to feel the impacts of my bad diet.

But, from a vanity perspective... I also want to know it's possible to be hot in my 30s.

In my 20s I just feel like I wasted my youth and beauty by always being at least 20 pounds overweight. Don't get me wrong, I was cute, and I had fun and dated. But I've never, ever felt like I was at my "peak". I was basically in a constant state of dissociation, drinking and eating away my feelings.

So, it all started to catch up to me post covid... I've put on an additional 20-30 pounds, and am officially obese. It's been a real wake up call.

I just feel so discouraged. I'm about to be 33. Single. Haven't dated the past 3 years because I'm embarrassed by my weight gain, but evidently not enough to change anything. But now, I feel I have no choice because I'm tired of feeling like shit.

But, I want something to look forward to besides good health. I want to know I haven't completely wasted "hot" years. By the way, I'm of the impression that people can be hot into their senior years. But humor me. I just want to know I can still "peak" or whatever, if I put in the effort.

Does this resonate with anyone else? I just want to finally feel like I'm at my "best" and not just always living outside of my potential.

I scared myself silly today looking into what can happen if I don't quit having "cheats" once every few months. First of all, the side effects get worse every time. But I had no idea it can lead to other diseases. I feel so stupid. My family has also never believed me. They say "oh you're just gluten sensitive" it can't be just that. I get mouth sores. I get brain fog. I get constipation. This all started happening around 2020. When I suspected I had an issue I stopped eating gluten and I got the blood test but by that point no one told me it wouldn't work if I had been abstained from gluten before hand. The dr didn't even tell me and I was negative and went on my way. Cue me thinking it was all in my head or just a sensitivity.

Well, I want to be strict now. I want to feel my health is worth it. But I don't want to do the "gluten challenge" is there anyway around this? I frankly don't care if people don't believe me, but would love to hear what you have told your families.

I have no idea why I'm like this.

I have things I really love doing. That bring me joy. I have done them occasionally in times where my mental health is good. Things like acting class, tennis, travel. I want to write more. I love to write. But it's like I have an aversion to doing anything that I am gifted at or truly passionate/interested in.

If I had to describe it, its like its better for it to exist in my mind as an idea of "one day" I'll let myself experience that joy, and one day I can fulfill my potential, but that day is not today. I avoid things that I actually love.

I even do this with basic stuff. Like if theres a movie or tv show I really want to watch, I'll procrastinate watching it in favor of rewatching a youtube video that's mid for the 5,000 time.

The only thing I don't do this with is food. I can't tolerate having some boring food or meal prepped food. I spend astronomical amount of money to get yummy, unhealthy food and eat it right away. no will power for my eating or sleep schedule.

Another example, I'll stay up late for no good reason, even when I know I need sleep.

Why do I avoid doing things that would actually help me feel better, and avoid taking steps to actually improve my life?

I have wondered if it's a fear of success. I do have a fear of being seen. I intentionally don't try to look my best, I have really "let myself go"

I wonder if it's a fear of failure, cause if I don't try, I'll never fail.

I wonder if it's self punishment (this would be subconcscious)

I do know that anytime I start making progress with goals or I feel really ALIVE, i suddenly have a huge fear I'm going to die. It's like my depression is replaced with high levels of anxiety. I think if good things happen, I might die. No idea why.

I have no idea what it is, I'm just assuming it has to do with my trauma and ptsd/cptsd.

I have ptsd because of CSA, SA, and DV.

So, does anyone relate or have insight?

.... but don't actually want to be close to us/know us on a deep level...

why is this??????