u/Due-Vehicle4215

I [20 ftm] got really high and looked at recent pictures I’d taken of myself.

I dont ever really take pictures of myself. I haven’t since I deleted social media a few months ago, because honestly for a while the only reason I ever took photos was mostly with the idea of making an instagram post in the future or smth. Because of that, I also don’t really end up looking at pictures of myself as much anymore.

But today id taken a few because I thought about it, and also kinda wanted to check my hair and make sure it didn’t look crazy. A few hours later and im stoned staring at this photo, seeing the same features ive seen on myself since i was a kid (i transitioned socially at 14/15(?), started T at 18, and im 20 now), except like copied and pasted onto a similar but slightly different body.

IDK how to explain it but i just stared at myself and realized that like. I LITERALLY look like an exact gender swapped version of myself, and it kinda freaked me out. I felt like I was in a Disney channel Freaky Friday style movie and almost audibly said “woah I’m a dude now.” There was just a sudden and distinct moment where I realized how well T had been working, and that I did just kind of look like what I thought a gender swapped version of myself would look like.

Don’t get me wrong it’s not a BAD thing, it’s just a little uncanny valley in a way, but that’s only because I’m not used to looking at myself yet with that POV.

Specifically it was individual pieces. Like I SAW my eyes but how they’d adjusted I guess? Or how my face adjusted which kinda changed how my eyes looked. Like that, but with my mouth, with my nose, with my eyebrows… like each individual part.

Okay I think maybe you get the gist I’m just wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience

Hi I’m a trans man and have been for like idk a few years and on T for two. It’s been FOREVER since I’ve worn women’s clothes and tried to look feminine, but I bought a dress and a skirt recently. I put some makeup on (admittedly a bit poorly but was expected, mostly to help my imagination IG) and took pictures of myself.

It’s been so long since I’ve questioned, I’m not sure what feelings I’m even supposed to be looking for when looking at myself.

I like feminine things, I think dresses are cute! I like women’s fashion! But then I put on the clothes and I can take a picture that I think looks “good,” but I’m not sure if I like how *I* look in it, still.

IDK, it has me thinking if I’m just like a drag queen or something. That I like playing dress up, (I used to cosplay so tracks lol) but REALLY am a guy and like presenting that way.

(But am I only saying that because I’ve never been an attractive woman?? Would I like it if I was hot? Am I only asking that because I’m bisexual and am attracted to women?!?? IDK 😣)

These r some of my thoughts. Looking to see if other people relate or heard of similar experiences. PLS advice

Edited a little for grammar

Edit 2: OR another thought: is it possible it’s because of internalized misogyny?? 🙈

Edit 3: SORRY last one I just wanted to add: I think part of why I’m also so confused is the longer I’ve been out the less afraid to act feminine I’ve been. I love using emojis like how ppl associate girls using them, my closest friends are all genderqueer in some way but all present feminine (both some MTF some FTM) so I interact with them in a way that’s definitely a lot less masculine than a football bro. But not exactly as the pinnacle of femininity either IDK 😭

I’ve (20 ftm) been on T for maybe a year and a half now. I love everything that’s happened so far and haven’t regretted transitioning to male once. But I have found myself recently feeling curious about femininity again.

For the record, I’ve also always said that while I am female to MALE… that for me, transness, whether binary or not, is based around the same idea that gender isn’t real. And because of that, I accept that as a whole I am really nonbinary/genderless- and that I just prefer interacting societally as and associating myself with men.

BUT I’ve also randomly really started to miss being a woman. And I’ve found myself thinking about it…wondering if I just miss femininity in general or if I actually miss being a WOMAN. And I think it may be the latter?

I’ve bought a few random things that I’ve tried on in my room alone, one dress and like two skirts. I think I like them, but it’s hard to tell because besides the actual clothes themselves I wasn’t doing much else to pass as a woman. But I’m starting to think that if I could pass as a woman, I’d want to sometimes.

I know I don’t like they/them pronouns, and that if I really did jump into full genderfluid, I’d want to specifically switch between man/woman depending on how I feel, but never to anything more ambiguous/nonbinary/etc.

I’m still not 100% sure, there’s a lot to think about, but I’m looking for other ppls thoughts and experiences!