I don't think I can remember a time I wasn't at least a little tired? TBF, it's been getting worse lately (personal issues, but let's just say I can and have slept 17 hours straight, only to be ready to go back to sleep 5 hours later), and it won't be getting better (new meds).
Guess I'm just curious. Are you supposed to feel fully awake?
I have work bullying issues. Even when my bully ((?) Idk if I'm exaggerating anymore, even though I know she had issues with being a bully before) does nothing, I feel like I'm trying to stop a bomb from going off. I was stopped from going to work for the third time in a month, and my doctor won't let me go back until I am "significantly better", mentally speaking.
I have urges to cry over everything (yesterday, we had a party at work for the patients, I wanted to cry from being touched kindly by a colleague. Hell, I nearly cried the other day because someone joked my new cut made me look like Dora the Explorer. I still wanna cry thinking about it and it's been 2 days. It's ridiculous.).
I ended up crying during the party, was caught by a colleague I get along with, I told her I'd talk to a superior about everything tomorrow, she told on me, superior caught me while I was trying to flee work after my shift ended... It was stupid. We talked and that's how I ended up going to the doctor and stopping work earlier than anticipated.
When I don't cry, I mostly feel numb/empty/floaty
I have no motivation, though I do still enjoy music, hanging with friends...
Eating is hard. I either eat a lot in one go, or eat almost nothing at all. Hell, my boss knows because I told him, and I suspect he or my friend told some colleagues because the other day I didn't eat much and a random colleague who doesn't even like me that much went: "you're not eating? Why?" and my friend went: "No worries! I'm watching, she got her entree and she'll have dessert". I mean: it's nice to have someone worry, I guess, but also why?
Sleeping is an issue. I can sleep a literal 17 hours straight and still feel exhausted and ready to go back to sleep after 5 hours up. Or I sleep two hours a night. Depends.
I have suicidal spikes? They come in waves, appear and disappear real fast, and I don't know if they're real or me exaggerating... I mean: I am looking at windows and have put myself in positions where I could do something, I imagine how it would go, what I'd say to who, what music I'd listen to, but I don't think I'd do anything, and they disappear after like two yt shorts + I'm too much of a coward to go through. And my mind is set on "jumping", but if I wanted to do it, I have pills and a knife at home, so if it was serious, surely I'd consider these?
I also have urges to just drop myself on the bed? Like rehearsal? But I don't do it, so... It just feels childish...
I don't know anymore.
Doc said he'd try to hook me up with a psychiatrist soon. + my mom's doctor apparently put me on meds that don't play good with the meds I was already on, so maybe that made me worse? Doc is checking and will keep me updated.
Also, I learned today one of the main "bully's" sycophant, aka: One of the reasons I'm in that bad a state in the first place, is complaining that I'm skipping work again... Yah, fuck you, Lottie (not her real name).
My head is a mess, I don't know anything: how I feel, if I'm really getting harrassed, if I'm dramatizing, if I'm really terrible at my job, I mean: she's mostly criticizing me, it's not that bad... if I'm really suicidal or dramatizing, if I'm paranoid or if my "bully"s friends are playing too... I don't know. I feel like a liar or attention seeker.
Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, I'm just rambling + need help figuring out what my deal is. Feeling like a dumb kid.
I guess I'm reassurance seeking? Sorta? Anyone else feel like this at all?
I have work bullying issues. Even when my bully ((?) Idk if I'm exaggerating anymore, even though I know she had issues with being a bully before) does nothing, I feel like I'm trying to stop a bomb from going off. I was stopped from going to work for the third time in a month, and my doctor won't let me go back until I am "significantly better", mentally speaking.
I have urges to cry over everything (yesterday, we had a party at work for the patients, I wanted to cry from being touched kindly by a colleague. Hell, I nearly cried the other day because someone joked my new cut made me look like Dora the Explorer. I still wanna cry thinking about it and it's been 2 days. It's ridiculous.).
I ended up crying during the party, was caught by a colleague I get along with, I told her I'd talk to a superior about everything tomorrow, she told on me, superior caught me while I was trying to flee work after my shift ended... It was stupid. We talked and that's how I ended up going to the doctor and stopping work earlier than anticipated.
When I don't cry, I mostly feel numb/empty/floaty
I have no motivation, though I do still enjoy music, hanging with friends...
Eating is hard. I either eat a lot in one go, or eat almost nothing at all. Hell, my boss knows because I told him, and I suspect he or my friend told some colleagues because the other day I didn't eat much and a random colleague who doesn't even like me that much went: "you're not eating? Why?" and my friend went: "No worries! I'm watching, she got her entree and she'll have dessert". I mean: it's nice to have someone worry, I guess, but also why?
Sleeping is an issue. I can sleep a literal 17 hours straight and still feel exhausted and ready to go back to sleep after 5 hours up. Or I sleep two hours a night. Depends.
I have suicidal spikes? They come in waves, appear and disappear real fast, and I don't know if they're real or me exaggerating... I mean: I am looking at windows and have put myself in positions where I could do something, I imagine how it would go, what I'd say to who, what music I'd listen to, but I don't think I'd do anything, and they disappear after like two yt shorts + I'm too much of a coward to go through. And my mind is set on "jumping", but if I wanted to do it, I have pills and a knife at home, so if it was serious, surely I'd consider these?
I also have urges to just drop myself on the bed? Like rehearsal? But I don't do it, so... It just feels childish...
I don't know anymore.
Doc said he'd try to hook me up with a psychiatrist soon. + my mom's doctor apparently put me on meds that don't play good with the meds I was already on, so maybe that made me worse? Doc is checking and will keep me updated.
Also, I learned today one of the main "bully's" sycophant, aka: One of the reasons I'm in that bad a state in the first place, is complaining that I'm skipping work again... Yah, fuck you, Lottie (not her real name).
My head is a mess, I don't know anything: how I feel, if I'm really getting harrassed, if I'm dramatizing, if I'm really terrible at my job, I mean: she's mostly criticizing me, it's not that bad... if I'm really suicidal or dramatizing, if I'm paranoid or if my "bully"s friends are playing too... I don't know. I feel like a liar or attention seeker.
Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, I'm just rambling + need help figuring out what my deal is. Feeling like a dumb kid.
I guess I'm reassurance seeking? Sorta?
I have work bullying issues. Even when my bully ((?) Idk if I'm exaggerating anymore, even though I know she had issues with being a bully before) does nothing, I feel like I'm trying to stop a bomb from going off. I was stopped from going to work for the third time in a month, and my doctor won't let me go back until I am "significantly better", mentally speaking.
I have urges to cry over everything (yesterday, we had a party at work for the patients, I wanted to cry from being touched kindly by a colleague. Hell, I nearly cried the other day because someone joked my new cut made me look like Dora the Explorer. I still wanna cry thinking about it and it's been 2 days. It's ridiculous.).
I ended up crying during the party, was caught by a colleague I get along with, I told her I'd talk to a superior about everything tomorrow, she told on me, superior caught me while I was trying to flee work after my shift ended... It was stupid. We talked and that's how I ended up going to the doctor and stopping work earlier than anticipated.
When I don't cry, I mostly feel numb/empty/floaty
I have no motivation, though I do still enjoy music, hanging with friends...
Eating is hard. I either eat a lot in one go, or eat almost nothing at all. Hell, my boss knows because I told him, and I suspect he or my friend told some colleagues because the other day I didn't eat much and a random colleague who doesn't even like me that much went: "you're not eating? Why?" and my friend went: "No worries! I'm watching, she got her entree and she'll have dessert". I mean: it's nice to have someone worry, I guess, but also why?
Sleeping is an issue. I can sleep a literal 17 hours straight and still feel exhausted and ready to go back to sleep after 5 hours up. Or I sleep two hours a night. Depends.
I have suicidal spikes? They come in waves, appear and disappear real fast, and I don't know if they're real or me exaggerating... I mean: I am looking at windows and have put myself in positions where I could do something, I imagine how it would go, what I'd say to who, what music I'd listen to, but I don't think I'd do anything, and they disappear after like two yt shorts + I'm too much of a coward to go through. And my mind is set on "jumping", but if I wanted to do it, I have pills and a knife at home, so if it was serious, surely I'd consider these?
I also have urges to just drop myself on the bed? Like rehearsal? But I don't do it, so... It just feels childish...
I don't know anymore.
Doc said he'd try to hook me up with a psychiatrist soon. + my mom's doctor apparently put me on meds that don't play good with the meds I was already on, so maybe that made me worse? Doc is checking and will keep me updated.
Also, I learned today one of the main "bully's" sycophant, aka: One of the reasons I'm in that bad a state in the first place, is complaining that I'm skipping work again... Yah, fuck you, Lottie (not her real name).
My head is a mess, I don't know anything: how I feel, if I'm really getting harrassed, if I'm dramatizing, if I'm really terrible at my job, I mean: she's mostly criticizing me, it's not that bad... if I'm really suicidal or dramatizing, if I'm paranoid or if my "bully"s friends are playing too... I don't know. I feel like a liar or attention seeker.
Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, I'm just rambling + need help figuring out what my deal is. Feeling like a dumb kid.
I guess I'm reassurance seeking? Sorta?
I have issues at work. With a colleague. And her sycophant... Lately, I've been feeling myself slipping a lot, it's affecting my work, moods, I cry frequently and easily and even after 2 mental health breaks, I'm on anti anxiety meds (from before) and antidepressants (because of this), and I'm not getting better, and my boss thinks I need to stay with that colleague and confront it. Issue is: not only do I work on the same unit as her, I work with her often.
It's getting ridiculous, I almost cried because a colleague joked my new haircut makes me look like Dora the Explorer. Yes, really.
Now: my big issue is, for the second time in about a month or two, I've reached a point where I had dark thoughts today. It was to the point I put myself in positions where I could do something if I wanted, both times, but I don't think I'll actually do anything.
Today, I calmed down after watching a couple of youtube video, which makes me think I am attention seeking/it's not that serious. That + I do want people at work to know I'm actually really not okay right now and actually just stop.
Should I worry? I'm seeing my doctor in 2 days, and my psychologist in a week, and I'm considering talking to my boss and just telling him I can't keep doing this. He asked me twice if I wanted to hurt that colleague (as a joke), I'm genuinely considering telling him it's not her I wanna hurt.
... I don't know anymore, I feel like I don't know anything tbh. Is it serious, or...?
Seriously. I feel like I am going insane. Fast. I have issues with a colleague, and I feel paranoid, but now she got scared because someone (not me) reported her to HR for what she was doing, so now she's nice, but now I feel like her friends have started "playing" with my nerves too. Issue is: I am extremely fragile because of everything that's happening. My anti anxiety meds were upped, I am now on antidepressant, and I cry over everything, and for the second time in a month I have a "suicidal ideation spike"? I won't get into details, but for hours on end, I'll feel like just "ending the job", even putting myself in situations to see if I'd do it and everything, and then I'll go on youtube, get my mind off it with a few shorts and it's like the thought was never there? What is my deal? Am I just attention seeking? The hell is wrong with me? Should I just talk to my boss now? I already told him before, he said he was gonna switch me so I wouldn't work with her anymore, then he changed his mind, now he thinks I need to confront it. Issue is: I am a fucking coward and can't talk when anyone says anything to me, and I always doubt myself in a matter of seconds if someone says I'm wrong. I physically can't confront it.
Seriously. I feel like I am going insane. Fast. I have issues with a colleague, and I feel paranoid, but now she got scared because someone (not me) reported her to HR for what she was doing, so now she's nice, but now I feel like her friends have started "playing" with my nerves too. Issue is: I am extremely fragile because of everything that's happening. My anti anxiety meds were upped, I am now on antidepressant, and I cry over everything, and for the second time in a month I have a "suicidal ideation spike"? I won't get into details, but for hours on end, I'll feel like just "ending the job", even putting myself in situations to see if I'd do it and everything, and then I'll go on youtube, get my mind off it with a few shorts and it's like the thought was never there? What is my deal? Am I just attention seeking? The hell is wrong with me? Should I just talk to my boss now? I already told him before, he said he was gonna switch me so I wouldn't work with her anymore, then he changed his mind, now he thinks I need to confront it. Issue is: I am a fucking coward and can't talk when anyone says anything to me, and I always doubt myself in a matter of seconds if someone says I'm wrong. I physically can't confront it.