Am I the defective piece in my family?
Im 25f, The day before yesterday, something happened that forced me to look at myself, my family, and my entire life.
There are three of us- two sisters and one brother-and I'm the eldest. Sometimes I joke that I'm the "defective piece" of the family, but lately it doesn't feel like a joke anymore.
Growing up, I was the golden child. I got good grades, teachers loved me, and my father's side of the family adored me. I spent my early childhood with my grandparents and my aunt, who practically raised me. My aunt had always been considered the "problem child" in the family—despite being given every opportunity, she struggled with relationships, fought with everyone around her, and eventually divorced before remarrying. For years, I heard comparisons between us, and today I fear I've become the person everyone always said I would.
My mother's experience in that joint family was very different from mine. She wasn't accepted or treated well by my father's family. As a child, I was too innocent to understand that. I would unknowingly tell my grandmother everything about my mother because I didn't realize the consequences. Looking back, I carry guilt for that.
When we moved to the city, it was just my parents, my siblings, my cousin, and me. My father worked away during the week, so my mother was left to manage everything. I was always a perfectionist. I wanted everything to be under control, and when it wasn't, I became angry. Somewhere along the way, anger became my default language.
My mother almost always defended my younger siblings during arguments. Whether I was right or wrong didn't seem to matter to me anymore. I felt she believed I was strong enough to handle everything because I'd always been the pampered eldest, while the younger two needed protection. That perception slowly turned into resentment. I grew up disliking my own mother, and our relationship became a cycle of arguments, shouting, and emotional distance.
A few years ago, I even raised my hand at her during an argument. I never hit her, but the fact that I reached that point still haunts me.
Now I'm 25. I've spent the last four years preparing for government exams, hoping that one day I'd become financially independent and leave this environment.
The day before yesterday, my younger brother kept teasing me as he often does. I teased him back. Things escalated. He became physically aggressive, grabbed and twisted my hands, and I fought back. When my mother came home, I told her what had happened. Before she even knew the full story, my cousin calmly said that I shouldn't be hitting my brother. The assumption was already made thatI was the problem.
Something inside me snapped. I started shouting and abusing everyone because, in my mind, I already knew whose side would be taken.
Then something happened that I still can't process.
My 21-year-old younger brother hit me across the face.
My mother hit me too.
I was left with scratches and bruises, but what hurt more was realizing that I no longer feel safe in my own home.
Today, after the anger has settled, all I feel is shame.
I know I have made mistakes. I know the way I've treated my mother has been wrong at times. I had even started therapy because I genuinely wanted to heal our relationship. But now I don't know where to go from here.
I don't feel safe around my family anymore.
I don't feel safe around myself anymore.
I keep wondering whether I've really become the "defective piece" everyone compares me to, or whether I'm simply someone who grew up carrying too much anger, too much hurt, and never learned how to deal with it.
I'm not writing this for sympathy or to blame anyone. I'm writing it because, for the first time in my life I jave felt completely numb that what am I even doing? I wasn't like this and I never wanted to become a woman like this dealing family problems and stuff...I always wanted to become a woman with great career and there's only 1 month left to my important exam and I'm dealing with all this thing? What should I even do??