u/EducatorSad5913

Well I'm done with my second sem exams. I've not really attended any courses apart from what they are teaching at clg. Did not participate much in club activities. I have 0 posts on linkedin. Did not do anything that's worth posting. I regret it deeply. I just know some basics of python,c,html and css. Again that's just the basics. I really don't wanna waste my holidays doing nothing. My friends who are my seniors attended some internship at some institute(keltron ig)last year. Again you have to pay for it. I was advised to not go for paid internships. Plus they said they really did nothing there and went for the certificates they provide. I don't wanna do that. I really wanna learn something.

I am literally at square one. I don't know where to start from. Some of my peers,they know a lot of stuff,they code,create projects,win prizes,go to hackathons,are active in clubs,they even take classes for their peers or seniors. I can't really go on linkedin without feeling insecure. I get this deep fomo. I don't understand even the basic terminologies. I don't even know how to use editors,github...I don't have any projects on there. I feel like I really have to start from scratch. It's so embarrassing to talk about since I'm am not a freshman anymore. I get so confused when I try to understand a lot of things.

So if somebody here could help me with this,I would truly be grateful. Where should I start from?like learn about different languages,environments,platforms as a whole or like specialize in any field?

What if nammal ippo aarkelum ans paranj kodukuvo atho choikuvo aanel,nammale aarum pidichitt illa but cctv loode vallom kanuvanel warning o onnum tharathe onnum parayathe,will they debar us?Like exam kazhinj ppr um vechitt poyi ini internal vallom aa ppr matti vekko vallom cheyumo ?pidikumbol like debar cheythenn engana ariya?

I just had my foc exam today.It just keeps getting worse.What was that qn ppr?Like why would you put qns that are not even in the syllabus?Even the other qns were quite difficult.Most of them were not even important.Like the questions most people would skip.Foc as a whole is a very theorotical subject so most of us would likely skip the less important concepts especially given that we only had two days to mug it all up.I say this as someone who went through all the pyqs.The exams were comparitively easier last year.Why would ktu do this injustice to us?

Exam was actually easy for me. But ollakaryam parayalo innale aanu book eduthe 😭 3rd module inte class attend cheyyanum patilla padikan nokiyappo last minute padikanum padarnnu 😭athond aa module vittu. Bakki ellam ezhuthan patti but aa module nolla ella qn um poyi...15 marks..athum easy aayitolla qns aarnu 😭pillerde aduth choichappo nammade tr imp enn paranja qns aan vanathennu paranj 😭 honestly regret adikunnu 😭I had a chance to score well but...

Chem onnum padichilla. Important topics ariyamo gang 😭

CS student aan.Nalla vattathil maths exam potti.S2 last yr ppr um ee year challenge exam ppr fullum otakk irunn full thaniye cheythitta chenne.Athinte confidence il chenn exam ezhuthiyatha.Enth parayana immathiri aavumenn vicharichilla.Class n karanjilla enn ollu.Appo first supply aayi.Ini chem aanel day after tomorrow aan.Athanel engane padich theerkum ennum ariyilla.Appo S2 poyi kitti.

Onn pass aaki vido 😭supply ezhuthan vayya 🙏

I absolutely hate it.I wish I were never born.

It's not always like this.There are times,I feel euphoric maybe?I love it when women stand up for eachother,I love it when we are united,I love it when we praise eachother on the internet,I love how we help eachother out,I love having exciting conversations with my girl besties but sometimes all of this can be insignificant.

I have faced misogyny my whole life.As a kid,I loved sports.I played tennis and I loved football.I watched every game with Ronaldo or his team in it.I knew more about the sport than most guys.I was the only girl in my tennis peer group.I was tough,never seeked validation.I cut my hair short and wore boyish cloths.I loved being called a boy,but all that did not stop me from having creepy encounters.Then again,I was fine with it.I dealt with it.I fought and called that behaviour out.The boys,they never gave me any attention.I knew a lot of things they often talk about,but I never was friends with any of them.They treated me like a girl after all.No matter how much I knew football,I was never good at it in their eyes.I wasn't the best player at tennis either but eventhough I was better at it than some of them,they would would choose to be paired with someone else.The coaches were hard on me too.They said it's easier for a woman to make it in the field.My mom used to call me a "transwoman" cause I was a tomboy and prefered to be dressed like one.But then again I stood up for myself and told her I did'nt see nothing wrong in it(I was barely in my teens then).I did not care what boys thought of me,more like I never really paid any attention to it.I mean,I proposed to one of my crushes in 7th grade,he rejected me and that was all that there was.It was a hormonal thing ig,or peer pressure but I quit being in love after it.The only time boys ever looked at me was when they were cat-calling me or jump scaring me in the toilet(I'm not kidding)

Forward to 2020.I was going through a lot.I had a friend group who apparently had another friend group within themselves with everyone else in it than me.I started developing "imposter syndrome". I find every girl pretty but not myself.My whole life turned 180 when I had to go back to school after the lockdown.That tough girl became so sensitive and depressed.Suddenly I started to care about what others thought of me.It took a great toll on me.Like I used to be a topper,but I was the least studious one in my class and everyone judged me for it.They were all new to my school and they thought of me as someone who's basically incapable to study well. I Still had a bit of motivation in me.I stood for the school elections.I delivered a good speech,I called out injustice and whatever not.I was second in position to win.There was this girl,she's so pretty like she's a micro influencer now and does ads.When she first came to school there was a battalion of boys who waited in front of her class to catch a glimpse of her.She had a lot of friends too.She was good at everything.Picture perfect.She had everything I wanted,everything I wish for.She was the one who won the elections.I craved for male validation.All my friends,they had boy besties,people whom they often talk to but I did'nt.But unlike earlier,they did talk about me.Some of them told my friend that I was intimidating and they wished they could hit me cause I was annoying.All I did was exist.I never really talked to them in person.This might be a bit controversial,but even the simps who talk to girls differently for their attention started being rude to me.It's always those "hey how you doing,can we grab some coffee later" attitude to them and "what do you want" to me.I even wondered why I never had creepy encounters like before.Was it because they did not find me attractive enough?(that was a very derogatory thing to think about.It's insulting ti the actual victims who had to endure it)but I was desperate and I hated myself for it.

I try to be a girl's girl.I hype every woman I see on instagram.I am there for my friends/acquaintances always.The misogyny on instagram enrages me.I was tired of people making rape jokes,or jokes abt murdering woman,supporting the one who already did,slut-shaming them.You would find me in every such comment section defending them.I still talk back when I see injustice anywhere in my family.It's not ok to expect something back but even my girls never did the same for me.

I wish I could wear cute cloths.But I hate how my body is shaped.I have a pear-shaped body with giant butt and round thighs.It's so big it puts pressure on my feet.My baggy jeans sits so tight at my tights,it's sk uncomfortable.My depression caught me good,I started binge eating.I feel like the buttons of my coat is gonna break everytime I sit down.I have a pot belly too.I look especially bloated during my period.I feel traumatized travelling back home from college in those tight-not so tight at the bottom pants,that about to burst shirt,round cheeks,bleeding through my pants with terrible cramps.I feel disgusted being on my period.It's all so wet down there and I feel like my uterus is about to fall off everytime I stand.And no matter how much I try I almost always bleed through my cloths.Sometimes I wish I never had one.I am thinking of donating my uterus to a woman in need.Also you are less worthy if you are not pretty. I have oily skin, eventhough I do a lot of skincare,at the end of the day I look like you could fry some fritters on my face.I also haveincredibly curly hair.Not normal curly hair.It's curly on top of my head,like really curly.I have more hair on the top of my scalp and have prolly like 5 incredibly straight strands at the bottom.It's really funny to see,my hairdresser laughed at it and showed it to all her colleagues. I botoxed it.But ut returned back to normal within 2 weeks.I have facial hair that is noticeable if I don't shave.Like I already loom manly without it,it's like a cherry on the cake.When I shave it,the upperlips would be a different colour that the rest of the face,it would be kinda blackish even,idk, so that looks disgusting.People would ask me if I had shaved my face.They would also ask if I didn't. What should I do?should I cut my face off?

I look like a mess so much that even the kindest girl would'nt want to fake compliment me.I still don't know any boys.I feel like things would be different if I were a boy.I would have had less standards to match.It would be less tiring mentally and physically.Life would atleast go on.