u/ElderberryNo2392

Here is the thing, in last week's Friday, I (me being a non binary trans girl myself) and my trans girl friend got to shopping in Esplanade. The shopping was great but the ending trip was most chaotic and put fundamental questions in our friendship.

The metro station was crowded and we got tickets for home but the situation was quite messy when we were getting at home. We got into the metro and started going to our home (not knowing we were in the wrong metro) where in the crowd we both were feeling suffocated yet in the situation I was thinking and telling her that it is better to follow the crowd to the terminal/last station even if she was being agile. During that time, she told me to check the Google maps... Here is the thing, when my internet was refusing to work in the underground blue line, I told her to check her phone (even if it was in my bag which I would gladly give to her) but even with shopping bags juggling in her hand, she just refused and ignored it as a travel partner.

We got off the station, knowing it is "Behala" (from her perspective) and got out to find her routes to bus and autos. Yet after a while when knowing that it was Belgachia, I was shocked that we were 17kms away from home. She still tried to find autos and buses and constantly telling me to get into a bus where I was getting angry, stressed and worried about our situation. At that time, i eventually snapped and shouted at public when her ideas failed (which I know wasn't good but I was having an adrenal crash too). I stubbornly started going to the station with her following me. We got and the situation somehow got more absurd when she asked about the QR tickets be used to go back at home... which obliviously the staff denied. Even in the road, she was talking about "enjoying the mess" but emotionally I was already drained out after the crowds of Kolkata's pre-puja crowd and shopping.

We didn't knew left or right but again getting a ticket again I verfied by the station staff and asked where the Tollygunge metro coming in the Belgachia station. I got the answer and again checked left or right because I thought I should atleast verify because I or her might be wrong about directions. We got into the metro and because of the crowd my ticket fell on the station while the door closed infront of me. 💀

I checked the rules and regulations of Kolkata metro and in the crowd I was constantly telling her that I needed to talk to the customer service of Tollygunge station. Even in the metro, she was telling about Tollygunge announcement while being completely oblivious that Tollygunge is Mahanayak Uttam Kumar station. During the journey, I again told the passenger (before seconds of the station reaching) and how that good uncle told us about that it is Mahanayak Uttam Kumar (I asked that is this station we are reaching is Mahanayak Uttam Kumar..). The things were more bad as she asked a person (at Belgachia) of the station before Tollygunge which she answered (a stranger) and told that she will guide us. After getting the information, she ignored the stranger and i needed to verify it again with the staff.

We reached the station while I was already stressing about the ticket issue and passing through the gate. My phone was buzzing with her calling even if I didn't find her, I still hurriedly got to the customer service and soon asked and explained about the ticket. During the waiting time, I called her back and she was asking where I was and i told her at the entrance which she was shocked yet she told me to accompany her after getting out. I was stressed about the tickets and potentially getting fined extra for the journey. The thing is that after getting out she started saying that I should stop pointing, or being expressive because people will point at us and laugh. I was thinking that I shouldn't get policed (which I hate) for my gender identity by a queer person herself, she told about "getting responsible" but I felt more lonlier and alone at her words rather than feeling comforted or atleast agreeing about pointing out my issues. She told about that she won't go with me in Durga Puja which hurt and told me to comply about this that I need to tell her that I will be more "responsible" during a shared journey. I genuinely felt bad about this.... Even after getting home, I owned my shouting was bad and it may hurt her after processing it but her reply was repeating the same message and letting her decide and after that she told leaving it?

(This is the summary of the situation, the raw message is)

\---

Actually me and my friend got the shopping but evrything messed up in the going home route. At that time in the crowd alone we boarded the metro but:

\- Even if it was a wrong metro she was constantly telling me to get up in the next station to skip the crowds which is justified. I still said that we could have got to the station where crowds get up (half empty metro). She also had ideas to home by autos because it will be "near" (even if crowd was noisy)

\- Yes, after getting up she talked about Behala wether we were in Belgachia. 17kms away from our homes.

\- She was talking about metro and "enjoying the mess" while I was worrying about stuff and shouted to her multiple times which I know wasn't good because of her boundries but at that time I was very annoyed, wanted to go home and just want a calm path where she is just running on the streets trying to find a "solution". I also had an adrenal crash because of the excitement and knowing we were in a wrong station

\- Now it get's more wild because after reaching the station she freaking the asked the staff of she can get a return trip to Tollygunge with her same ticket which staff said it is single use (written on the ticket) and we pivoted to buying return tickets back

\- At this time, I asked the staff about where the metro to Tollygunge was and i followed their instructions even if I verfied which is left or right 💀💀

\- I got in the train and she was telling me to not shout in the road because she was "calm and trying to find solution in the situation" . I was still angry and very much wanted to get out of this mess as she was. Yes, we boarded the wrong train but spending a little extra for the calmness of returning home could have solved it anyway...

\- The situation get's more messy as the ticket from Belgachia to Tollygunge fell while boarding the train. I was worried while she was being a little "careless" even if she is worrying about it. I told her that I needed to talk to the station customer service at Tollygunge because of my lost ticket

\- We got off and i just ran to the staff worrying about station fines. I didn't tell her yes but I was focusing on getting out of the station without causing a mess. My phone was on the pocket but it was ignored multiple times even if she was worrying about me because I was lost and my parents will "blame her"

\- I called off at the main entrance of the station while the staff helped me to get out of the station without a mess while I explained my problem to them. I even called her which I know she was annoyed about that she didn't find me but I told her I am at the station....

\- Even during the first ticket booking, she deflected by acting noncalant about her contribution at the journey back home which she herself decided which I agreed because I was fair....

I cleared and she told me after metting that she was worried which I get it and I told her that I was figuring out and wanted to get off. The staff also called me. It is just her that when I was telling in the metro that I needed to talk to the staff and she ignored it...She was telling that I should handle myself, I shouldn't do pointing (which I was doing excitedly) because people laugh at judge at us and staying "formal and normal" will fix the outward homophobia.....?

I know I was pointing because without it there was no way navigating an environment... but my pointing is still low (which I find intersting or talk about it). She told me she is not going for Durga Puja with me because I needed to handle myself where I WAS the one getting thrown into the mess and slowly driven mad by an overwhelming situation. I know she is my good friend but can I even expect someone to babysit someone's impulsive emotions to escape the crowd to pay a huge psychological cost with it??

\----

So, I have questions for me. I keep thinking that who was actually the responsible one in the situation? Even if I shouted was it because of a seris of events rather than a single one? Was her stuff justified or she needed some good help?

Trigger Warning: Conversion therapy, transphobia, medical rejection and trauma

Soo, I have been thinking about trans girl friend for a while now and her vision of her own feminity. I have been growing out my hair for a while after I was let out a conversation facility (Sustho Jeevan) and trying to recover my trauma as much possible. I know my hair growth has been reset and my physical appearance has been to zero. I know that I am still having nailpolish and nurturing my gentle self as an introvert (who likes very selected people around her).

She was talking about my previous day's incident where I was in a teacher's day event at Maac Behala, after eating food I was not in the mood to use washrooms (why you expect? Because I would females washroom yes... but because of transphobia or internal social judgements ...I didn't want to in a public energy to save my energy. I also hate the divide of "male" and "female" in washrooms). I asked my instructor about using the toilet to check their trans-friendlyness in that environment. I know people won't accept me yet even silently, letting yourself exist without constant performance and hyper-vigilance is the most truest form of self-acceptance as a girl. She was diving into conclusions (younger than me by 1 year) that I was taking off my earrings (after a fresh percering for a week) because I was constantly fidgeting, wanting to change and my impatience for just to get a new one and swap it...I would go and reset or shave my hair to bald (completely ignoring that my hair was forcefully cut in a rehab full of transbphobic people) which is completely useless for me.

I have been waiting for my bangs because I think my hair dresser before told a lie (by my family) to be in a facility with no help for a month..no internet access and with a bunch of men....reset my whole physical clock of my hair (main indicator is my hair). I was constant hyper-vigilance, depression and food addiction (ofen wasting ~>₹100 just for food because how bad I felt). I got to police station, filed many human rights compliants and even reaching to UN Special Procedures of what happened for me. I was fed mood regulators (without telling what it is), pathologizing of my internal identity in the medical records including giving useless history in my medical documents. I have slowly trying to let myself back again with improvements and better management of my dysphoria to achieve internal peace. I think that even with endless routines, external "checklist method" (you must hair of this length to be a "women", you must pierce your earrings or just do waxing to achieve a near perfect look) is just not for me. Whenever T hair grows on my body, I just shave with razor and shaving cream, knowing that HRT would make that easier as I go or when I get my Gender Dysphoria from an affirming medical professional.

I feel true self-acceptance comes from accepting yourself as a women and slowly but surely going through your transition with small, simple skincare routines, shaving hairs, feeling the euphoria of the awkward phase of hair growth with low maintenance to achieve that feminine look even if it doesn't look a big change from the distance. I have dreams of having "female" written at documents and my gender dysphoria being confirmed of what I know from medical documents, having my natural feminine body (through femizing HRT), getting a more nuanced access to my feelings and still going through vulvoplasty in the later future (she was confused about vulvoplasty because she thinks that she needed to do vaginplasty which when I think...comes with endless maintenance in top of HRT maintenance of dilation which is not for me). About earrings, I have recently exploring (even online) for non-pierching earrings (which I know has bad ratings but I am ready to expand my collection), bracelets and letting my har grow to a length to use my hairclip collection.

Aside all that, I have come to a fundamental question: Does femininity need constant showing off? Does we ALWAYS need to be loud and fight or argue with people just for basic needs (yes, I agree that we need to fight when our boundries are clearly crossed at the fundamental level like being stripped out of our autonomy in a rehab acting like a conversation facility)? Can a girl be herself even with minimal style yet rocking off in her own body without expecting social baggage? Psychologically, yes sometimes people judge by external appearance but does enjoying the awkward, messy and exploratory phase is just as much good being a part of being a girl? Does a vision of feminity being loud, "winning the hearts of people" and doesn't acting according to situations? Yes, I in annoyance used "males" toilet in a public place but it gave a huge surge of dysphoria.... and I already had awkwardness by being judged (by whom, being afraid that would I be thrown out because of my appearance) in a public event. Still...Does feminity need a constant checking off boxes that makes you feel a "female" or just enjoying the physical journey to slowly grow youself as a girl?

Soo, I have been developing myself for a while these days and I really wanted to write about it. I recently played *Secret Little Heaven* (2018) which I realised and related about my journey as a transfemmine person (she/her). Why this broad term? In these days, I have realised that I have a minor part of non-binary identity mixed with my identity. Like when I thought about it more, I realised that even with my feminine energy there is a significant but a minor amount of non-binary energy in my soul.

Now, to the story, I was in ***Sustho Jeevan*** because of the relentless friction in my body and the non-affirming environment. Even after that, I still kept my identity and still fought to atleast get affirming doctors from my trans girl friend (not revealing her name because of privacy purposes). I have been enjoying her and her baddie energy where I like to lean to gentle yet quiet, introverted girl but I still know that even with that I am a girl who doesn't like to follow the bagge of the society me being a girl!

My friend was talking about how that I must be "sure" so that psychiatrist gives me Gender Dysphoria letter (even with new Acts in our country) yet she tells that how the use of AI and my research methods are just...funny somehow? I am very "confused". Now.. about me. Let's be completely clear, YES I said to the psychiatrist (under 18) that I have these fantasticies about these and even telling that who I am going in bed with it (sexual identity about me being lesbian) or wanting femizing HRT to be real for my body and my mind.

Why lesbian? (I am using as a placeholder as it **can change** ***when I reach to adulthood throughout my life***) When I think about the partner, even with their personality, beauty... the sexual experience feels *better when a girl is involved (regardless of their gender identity as long they identify in the feminine spectrum as my view of my* ***lesbianity****).* What I told to my psychiatrist about my goals about vulvoplasty (because I don't prefer vaginplasty of the grueling aftercare that would be impossible for me in **my standards, no hate to people really committing to it** in the future). Yes, I know femizing HRT will bring huge physical and emotional changes but without the medical stuff or sexual identity (completely separate of my gender sphere), I love to be a **dainty girl who is quietly strong,** ***a little cheeky, funny yet sexual but also seeing the human view of the human being.*** Even with all the gender stereotypes (which I hate) around being a "right" way to be a girl. I would be a girl who prefers heroines natural self (meaning to thinking what TO DO IN A REGULAR TUESDAY WHEN FLYING TO COLLEGE OR SCHOOL without being overly conscious or EVEN PRESENTING "hyper-feminine" by **confirming to the social expections that** ***people often pull on us).*** Weather the colour be good, a little pricey sometimes (I love pink tax yet hate it) yet I still think what would be a normal Tuesday would feel with the clothing/accessories.

I know this is very **controversial for you guys, but I am very raw to myself that I like very light makeup or natural** ***skincare to my natural skin as a girl rather than a grueling routine just to*** *exist.* Fighting to people about my identity who are mostly unaware, uneducated about this stuff or just carrying social boxes of their own is bad yes.... but I think **it's not always bickering or taking things emotionally to it.. sometimes it's just** ***ignoring it because at the end of the day, they are just HISTORY to be forgotten.*** She was also telling that I have to be "100% male or 100% trans girl" because I would "regret" my decision because it worries I her (I hear her clearly but when talking to her, I just feel the *internal* **pressure to confirm just to be yourself at your decision even without medical decision**).

Family? I know it would take time to come over my identity (or never) but to get the friction out of my head, I decided to separate their views that they will eventually be forgotten by the game of the universe. It will!\~ At the end of the day, after teens I would just survive who navigate the world by myself. She also views that who I am attracted to somehow contradicts the idea of what even a "gender dysphoria" is... because I think gender identity is the **fundamental mismatch, ache and depression of being someone you want to but you can't reach the hand in the warm sun to look around yet fighting and questioning to just be yourself at your fundamental code of your spiritual being.** It is also the **thought of dreaming and having fantasies about being a gender you want to be (Gender Dysphoria doesn't mean you would suffer infinitely just to be yourself, life is complex folks!\~).**

*Taking a deep breath,* I know it sounds exhausting reading the wall of text but at the end of the day, I am not "**confused**" about my identity nor I am confusing my sexual identity with my gender identity (which are completely different planets to be sure). Yes, I know my family situation is bad, my situations is bad but it doesn't mean I won't just **conform myself to fit into a mold just to myself.** ***Sometimes it's just letting yourself like a girl you meant to be in your own terms in a normal Monday while being sleepy at the lowest level (me sometimes!\~ 😉)***

Tiaya

(She/her)