r/LgbTeenIndia

im an 11th grader based in a tier 1 city (not bombay, sadly). i first realised in the middle of 7th grade that im man-inclined bi, but i first came out to someone 3.5 years later. i have slowly come out to multiple people, most of whom are girls- i have come out to one guy friend tho, and he was very very supportive🤞🏻🤞🏻, it was like nothing changed. i am currently confused as to whether im gay or bi, but i guess this is my age to experiment. i have had intimate experiences with people of the same gender- mostly just makeouts. i study at a reputed spoiled brat school so coming out is not an option for me. i do not mean to boast but i do come in the better looking category of guys- i have facial features which one may consider attractive- such as green eyes and pink ass skin. i do not classify as conventionally gay tho (sorry if im being mean)- i do not give off the vibe really to that many people, and i do get sexual/unwanted attention from girls, even some grown ass women (again, i do NOT mean to boast). my hobbies include a sport where i bleed and suffer while training.
the reason behind my post is that i just wanna talk to someone my age from the community, to gain broader perspective and make friends, or more, i guess?

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Here is the thing, in last week's Friday, I (me being a non binary trans girl myself) and my trans girl friend got to shopping in Esplanade. The shopping was great but the ending trip was most chaotic and put fundamental questions in our friendship.

The metro station was crowded and we got tickets for home but the situation was quite messy when we were getting at home. We got into the metro and started going to our home (not knowing we were in the wrong metro) where in the crowd we both were feeling suffocated yet in the situation I was thinking and telling her that it is better to follow the crowd to the terminal/last station even if she was being agile. During that time, she told me to check the Google maps... Here is the thing, when my internet was refusing to work in the underground blue line, I told her to check her phone (even if it was in my bag which I would gladly give to her) but even with shopping bags juggling in her hand, she just refused and ignored it as a travel partner.

We got off the station, knowing it is "Behala" (from her perspective) and got out to find her routes to bus and autos. Yet after a while when knowing that it was Belgachia, I was shocked that we were 17kms away from home. She still tried to find autos and buses and constantly telling me to get into a bus where I was getting angry, stressed and worried about our situation. At that time, i eventually snapped and shouted at public when her ideas failed (which I know wasn't good but I was having an adrenal crash too). I stubbornly started going to the station with her following me. We got and the situation somehow got more absurd when she asked about the QR tickets be used to go back at home... which obliviously the staff denied. Even in the road, she was talking about "enjoying the mess" but emotionally I was already drained out after the crowds of Kolkata's pre-puja crowd and shopping.

We didn't knew left or right but again getting a ticket again I verfied by the station staff and asked where the Tollygunge metro coming in the Belgachia station. I got the answer and again checked left or right because I thought I should atleast verify because I or her might be wrong about directions. We got into the metro and because of the crowd my ticket fell on the station while the door closed infront of me. 💀

I checked the rules and regulations of Kolkata metro and in the crowd I was constantly telling her that I needed to talk to the customer service of Tollygunge station. Even in the metro, she was telling about Tollygunge announcement while being completely oblivious that Tollygunge is Mahanayak Uttam Kumar station. During the journey, I again told the passenger (before seconds of the station reaching) and how that good uncle told us about that it is Mahanayak Uttam Kumar (I asked that is this station we are reaching is Mahanayak Uttam Kumar..). The things were more bad as she asked a person (at Belgachia) of the station before Tollygunge which she answered (a stranger) and told that she will guide us. After getting the information, she ignored the stranger and i needed to verify it again with the staff.

We reached the station while I was already stressing about the ticket issue and passing through the gate. My phone was buzzing with her calling even if I didn't find her, I still hurriedly got to the customer service and soon asked and explained about the ticket. During the waiting time, I called her back and she was asking where I was and i told her at the entrance which she was shocked yet she told me to accompany her after getting out. I was stressed about the tickets and potentially getting fined extra for the journey. The thing is that after getting out she started saying that I should stop pointing, or being expressive because people will point at us and laugh. I was thinking that I shouldn't get policed (which I hate) for my gender identity by a queer person herself, she told about "getting responsible" but I felt more lonlier and alone at her words rather than feeling comforted or atleast agreeing about pointing out my issues. She told about that she won't go with me in Durga Puja which hurt and told me to comply about this that I need to tell her that I will be more "responsible" during a shared journey. I genuinely felt bad about this.... Even after getting home, I owned my shouting was bad and it may hurt her after processing it but her reply was repeating the same message and letting her decide and after that she told leaving it?

(This is the summary of the situation, the raw message is)

\---

Actually me and my friend got the shopping but evrything messed up in the going home route. At that time in the crowd alone we boarded the metro but:

\- Even if it was a wrong metro she was constantly telling me to get up in the next station to skip the crowds which is justified. I still said that we could have got to the station where crowds get up (half empty metro). She also had ideas to home by autos because it will be "near" (even if crowd was noisy)

\- Yes, after getting up she talked about Behala wether we were in Belgachia. 17kms away from our homes.

\- She was talking about metro and "enjoying the mess" while I was worrying about stuff and shouted to her multiple times which I know wasn't good because of her boundries but at that time I was very annoyed, wanted to go home and just want a calm path where she is just running on the streets trying to find a "solution". I also had an adrenal crash because of the excitement and knowing we were in a wrong station

\- Now it get's more wild because after reaching the station she freaking the asked the staff of she can get a return trip to Tollygunge with her same ticket which staff said it is single use (written on the ticket) and we pivoted to buying return tickets back

\- At this time, I asked the staff about where the metro to Tollygunge was and i followed their instructions even if I verfied which is left or right 💀💀

\- I got in the train and she was telling me to not shout in the road because she was "calm and trying to find solution in the situation" . I was still angry and very much wanted to get out of this mess as she was. Yes, we boarded the wrong train but spending a little extra for the calmness of returning home could have solved it anyway...

\- The situation get's more messy as the ticket from Belgachia to Tollygunge fell while boarding the train. I was worried while she was being a little "careless" even if she is worrying about it. I told her that I needed to talk to the station customer service at Tollygunge because of my lost ticket

\- We got off and i just ran to the staff worrying about station fines. I didn't tell her yes but I was focusing on getting out of the station without causing a mess. My phone was on the pocket but it was ignored multiple times even if she was worrying about me because I was lost and my parents will "blame her"

\- I called off at the main entrance of the station while the staff helped me to get out of the station without a mess while I explained my problem to them. I even called her which I know she was annoyed about that she didn't find me but I told her I am at the station....

\- Even during the first ticket booking, she deflected by acting noncalant about her contribution at the journey back home which she herself decided which I agreed because I was fair....

I cleared and she told me after metting that she was worried which I get it and I told her that I was figuring out and wanted to get off. The staff also called me. It is just her that when I was telling in the metro that I needed to talk to the staff and she ignored it...She was telling that I should handle myself, I shouldn't do pointing (which I was doing excitedly) because people laugh at judge at us and staying "formal and normal" will fix the outward homophobia.....?

I know I was pointing because without it there was no way navigating an environment... but my pointing is still low (which I find intersting or talk about it). She told me she is not going for Durga Puja with me because I needed to handle myself where I WAS the one getting thrown into the mess and slowly driven mad by an overwhelming situation. I know she is my good friend but can I even expect someone to babysit someone's impulsive emotions to escape the crowd to pay a huge psychological cost with it??

\----

So, I have questions for me. I keep thinking that who was actually the responsible one in the situation? Even if I shouted was it because of a seris of events rather than a single one? Was her stuff justified or she needed some good help?

I wanna experience the teenage bullies snatched from me, being able to walk talk and laugh freely, my confidence and my hope that there is some to love me aswell, all n can now see in mirror is a ugly shit, stopped taking pictures, going out, very few friends left looking back I feels I have experienced many many things, untouchability(they called it meetha touch, 8th clas btw) discrimination, being silences, a bit of sh, and been a hopeless romantic, what a fool I was to think I can ask my crush out hahahha, it's just so messed up in my head, and all I can say all roads lead to loneliness i felt all along, i jut wanted to be a normal person, yes I consider myself abnormal in many way, just a kid blending in but no, god refused and have me this hell in name of life

Anyway have a good day guys