u/Electrical-Ad-2922

I (F) am currently in married to my husband for 1 year. We’ve been together for 8 years. For a long time, there has been a severe enmeshment dynamic between him and his mother. He has historically defended her bad behavior, shared private relationship details with her, and allowed her to cross major boundaries.

Lately, we’ve been trying to do heavy boundary work. He is seeing a therapist who specializes in enmeshment. Yesterday, he actually had a good conversation with his mom where he told her he was prioritizing me and our relationship, and that he was going to give me some space from her. I felt like we finally took a step forward. He has really shown growth in the last month realizing he needs to put my himself first, our relationship next and THEN his family. He is navigating right now what his own wants are and trying to ensure through therapy what he wants is not influenced by me or his mom. I totally respect this autonomy and have seen it - I don't want to become his mother I want an equal partnership with respect and integrity. When discussing where we see our future with boundaries with both agreed no more secrecy, oversharing our personal life, discussion of me/our relationship with his mom, him standing up promptly when boundaries or my respect is violated by his mom. I believe him on this and can feel the shift in his priorities already. Often where most of the triangulation would happen was in one-on-one interactions with his mom during the week. I found out she would call in the morning and ask if i was working and if not, try to arrange a visit or interaction with him that day. With that, there have been times hes deleted communication from his devices between himself and his mom, omitted the truth about their conversations to me, and actually lied about seeing her. Sometimes we would have plans, he's saying hes going to the sauna, tell me hes going alone and then i'd find out later he went with his mom. She would sometimes send photos of the two of them or reveal this interaction through information he told her in these interactions later on and using that to influence our decisions (ie. what we are doing this weekend). I have just realized I was being emotionally abused by her for the last 7 years, my husband was in a way enabling it through gaslighting (he is truly sorry) and I have essentially been living with a third person in our relationship. I have asked if there is a negotiation to make me feel more emotionally safe with these interactions such as inviting a brother or doing them when I can tag along. He is insisting that his therapist says to do what feels right for him (autonomy) and he wants this. I just feel like it is unfair to me. His brothers do not have these one-on-one interactions with her throughout the week and still have good healthy relationships with her so I don't understand why it is necessary and why there can't atleast be negotiation on the quantity (once a week). I have suggested a goal can be to have weekly dinners as a family together so he is still maintaining that relationship or 1-2 times a monthly one-on-ones but weekly while recovering from enmeshment and knowing his mom was using him as a primary attachment in the past and it was like a form of emotional infedelity to me, really hurts. If i need to respect his autonomy in "feeling this is right" than do I need to step away if I don't see myself not having resentment in a relationship where you do one-on-one interactions with your mom when your brothers don't require that, and we are already doing weekly visits with the family as a whole.

This brings me to my core issue. My nervous system is in absolute shock. I have tightness in my chest and a sick feeling in my stomach. I am realizing that I am fundamentally not comfortable with these weekly, exclusive 1-on-1 dates with his mother continuing into our future marriage.

Here is the data that makes me feel like I’m not crazy:

1. The Siblings Don't Do This: His brothers do not have weekly, exclusive 1-on-1 dates with their mother. His dad doesn't either. They all maintain good relationships with her without this intense frequency. He is being cast in a unique role to manage her emotions.
2. The Timing is Isolating: These 1-on-1s are explicitly scheduled on weekdays when I am at work or unavailable, structurally ensuring that I am excluded and a private alliance can be maintained.
3. I Am Not Anti-Family: I am 100% fine with seeing his family once a week. I am happy to do group dinners, weekend gatherings, or events where everyone is included. What I am against is the exclusivity and privacy of these weekly 1-on-1s, because that is where the boundary erosion and secret-keeping always happen.

Am I being rigid or unreasonable for making the elimination of these exclusive weekly 1-on-1 dates a non-negotiable condition for me?

I (F) am currently in married to my husband for 1 year. We’ve been together for 8 years. For a long time, there has been a severe enmeshment dynamic between him and his mother. He has historically defended her bad behavior, shared private relationship details with her, and allowed her to cross major boundaries.

Lately, we’ve been trying to do heavy boundary work. He is seeing a therapist who specializes in enmeshment. Yesterday, he actually had a good conversation with his mom where he told her he was prioritizing me and our relationship, and that he was going to give me some space from her. I felt like we finally took a step forward. He has really shown growth in the last month realizing he needs to put my himself first, our relationship next and THEN his family. He is navigating right now what his own wants are and trying to ensure through therapy what he wants is not influenced by me or his mom. I totally respect this autonomy and have seen it - I don't want to become his mother I want an equal partnership with respect and integrity. When discussing where we see our future with boundaries with both agreed no more secrecy, oversharing our personal life, discussion of me/our relationship with his mom, him standing up promptly when boundaries or my respect is violated by his mom. I believe him on this and can feel the shift in his priorities already. Often where most of the triangulation would happen was in one-on-one interactions with his mom during the week. I found out she would call in the morning and ask if i was working and if not, try to arrange a visit or interaction with him that day. With that, there have been times hes deleted communication from his devices between himself and his mom, omitted the truth about their conversations to me, and actually lied about seeing her. Sometimes we would have plans, he's saying hes going to the sauna, tell me hes going alone and then i'd find out later he went with his mom. She would sometimes send photos of the two of them or reveal this interaction through information he told her in these interactions later on and using that to influence our decisions (ie. what we are doing this weekend). I have just realized I was being emotionally abused by her for the last 7 years, my husband was in a way enabling it through gaslighting (he is truly sorry) and I have essentially been living with a third person in our relationship. I have asked if there is a negotiation to make me feel more emotionally safe with these interactions such as inviting a brother or doing them when I can tag along. He is insisting that his therapist says to do what feels right for him (autonomy) and he wants this. I just feel like it is unfair to me. His brothers do not have these one-on-one interactions with her throughout the week and still have good healthy relationships with her so I don't understand why it is necessary and why there can't atleast be negotiation on the quantity (once a week). I have suggested a goal can be to have weekly dinners as a family together so he is still maintaining that relationship or 1-2 times a monthly one-on-ones but weekly while recovering from enmeshment and knowing his mom was using him as a primary attachment in the past and it was like a form of emotional infedelity to me, really hurts. If i need to respect his autonomy in "feeling this is right" than do I need to step away if I don't see myself not having resentment in a relationship where you do one-on-one interactions with your mom when your brothers don't require that, and we are already doing weekly visits with the family as a whole.

This brings me to my core issue. My nervous system is in absolute shock. I have tightness in my chest and a sick feeling in my stomach. I am realizing that I am fundamentally not comfortable with these weekly, exclusive 1-on-1 dates with his mother continuing into our future marriage.

Here is the data that makes me feel like I’m not crazy:

1. The Siblings Don't Do This: His brothers do not have weekly, exclusive 1-on-1 dates with their mother. His dad doesn't either. They all maintain good relationships with her without this intense frequency. He is being cast in a unique role to manage her emotions.
2. The Timing is Isolating: These 1-on-1s are explicitly scheduled on weekdays when I am at work or unavailable, structurally ensuring that I am excluded and a private alliance can be maintained.
3. I Am Not Anti-Family: I am 100% fine with seeing his family once a week. I am happy to do group dinners, weekend gatherings, or events where everyone is included. What I am against is the exclusivity and privacy of these weekly 1-on-1s, because that is where the boundary erosion and secret-keeping always happen.

Am I being rigid or unreasonable for making the elimination of these exclusive weekly 1-on-1 dates a non-negotiable condition for me?

I (F) am currently married to my husband for 1 year. We’ve been together for 8 years. For a long time, there has been a severe enmeshment dynamic between him and his mother. He has historically defended her bad behavior, shared private relationship details with her, and allowed her to cross major boundaries.

Lately, we’ve been trying to do heavy boundary work. He is seeing a therapist who specializes in enmeshment. Yesterday, he actually had a good conversation with his mom where he told her he was prioritizing me and our relationship, and that he was going to give me some space from her. I felt like we finally took a step forward. He has really shown growth in the last month realizing he needs to put my himself first, our relationship next and THEN his family. He is navigating right now what his own wants are and trying to ensure through therapy what he wants is not influenced by me or his mom. I totally respect this autonomy and have seen it - I don't want to become his mother I want an equal partnership with respect and integrity. When discussing where we see our future with boundaries with both agreed no more secrecy, oversharing our personal life, discussion of me/our relationship with his mom, him standing up promptly when boundaries or my respect is violated by his mom. I believe him on this and can feel the shift in his priorities already. Often where most of the triangulation would happen was in one-on-one interactions with his mom during the week. I found out she would call in the morning and ask if i was working and if not, try to arrange a visit or interaction with him that day. With that, there have been times hes deleted communication from his devices between himself and his mom, omitted the truth about their conversations to me, and actually lied about seeing her. Sometimes we would have plans, he's saying hes going to the sauna, tell me hes going alone and then i'd find out later he went with his mom. She would sometimes send photos of the two of them or reveal this interaction through information he told her in these interactions later on and using that to influence our decisions (ie. what we are doing this weekend). I have just realized I was being emotionally abused by her for the last 7 years, my husband was in a way enabling it through gaslighting (he is truly sorry) and I have essentially been living with a third person in our relationship. I have asked if there is a negotiation to make me feel more emotionally safe with these interactions such as inviting a brother or doing them when I can tag along. He is insisting that his therapist says to do what feels right for him (autonomy) and he wants this. I just feel like it is unfair to me. His brothers do not have these one-on-one interactions with her throughout the week and still have good healthy relationships with her so I don't understand why it is necessary and why there can't atleast be negotiation on the quantity (once a week). I have suggested a goal can be to have weekly dinners as a family together so he is still maintaining that relationship or 1-2 times a monthly one-on-ones but weekly while recovering from enmeshment and knowing his mom was using him as a primary attachment in the past and it was like a form of emotional infedelity to me, really hurts. If i need to respect his autonomy in "feeling this is right" than do I need to step away if I don't see myself not having resentment in a relationship where you do one-on-one interactions with your mom when your brothers don't require that, and we are already doing weekly visits with the family as a whole.

This brings me to my core issue. My nervous system is in absolute shock. I have tightness in my chest and a sick feeling in my stomach. I am realizing that I am fundamentally not comfortable with these weekly, exclusive 1-on-1 dates with his mother continuing into our future marriage.

Here is the data that makes me feel like I’m not crazy:

1. The Siblings Don't Do This: His brothers do not have weekly, exclusive 1-on-1 dates with their mother. His dad doesn't either. They all maintain good relationships with her without this intense frequency. He is being cast in a unique role to manage her emotions.
2. The Timing is Isolating: These 1-on-1s are explicitly scheduled on weekdays when I am at work or unavailable, structurally ensuring that I am excluded and a private alliance can be maintained.
3. I Am Not Anti-Family: I am 100% fine with seeing his family once a week. I am happy to do group dinners, weekend gatherings, or events where everyone is included. What I am against is the exclusivity and privacy of these weekly 1-on-1s, because that is where the boundary erosion and secret-keeping always happen.

Am I being rigid or unreasonable for making the elimination of these exclusive weekly 1-on-1 dates a non-negotiable condition for me?

I just started enmeshment couples therapy and I just want a bit of clarity on the goals of balancing the development of partner's (enmeshed) autonomy with creating relationship boundaries (ie. how many visits with family a week feels appropriate). I'd just like to know how therapists navigate this balance to respect the autonomy but also the values/integrity of the other person's boundaries.

I (F) am currently in married to my husband for 1 year. We’ve been together for 8 years. For a long time, there has been a severe enmeshment dynamic between him and his mother. He has historically defended her bad behaviour, shared private relationship details with her, and allowed her to cross major boundaries.

Lately, we’ve been trying to do heavy boundary work. He is seeing a therapist who specializes in enmeshment. Yesterday, he actually had a good conversation with his mom where he told her he was prioritizing me and our relationship, and that he was going to give me some space from her. I felt like we finally took a step forward. He has really shown growth in the last month realizing he needs to put my himself first, our relationship next and THEN his family. He is navigating right now what his own wants are and trying to ensure through therapy what he wants is not influenced by me or his mom. I totally respect this autonomy and have seen it - I don't want to become his mother I want an equal partnership with respect and integrity. When discussing where we see our future with boundaries with both agreed no more secrecy, oversharing our personal life, discussion of me/our relationship with his mom, him standing up promptly when boundaries or my respect is violated by his mom. I believe him on this and can feel the shift in his priorities already. Often where most of the triangulation would happen was in one-on-one interactions with his mom during the week. I found out she would call in the morning and ask if i was working and if not, try to arrange a visit or interaction with him that day. With that, there have been times hes deleted communication from his devices between himself and his mom, omitted the truth about their conversations to me, and actually lied about seeing her. Sometimes we would have plans, he's saying hes going to the sauna, tell me hes going alone and then i'd find out later he went with his mom. She would sometimes send photos of the two of them or reveal this interaction through information he told her in these interactions later on and using that to influence our decisions (ie. what we are doing this weekend). I have just realized I was being emotionally abused by her for the last 7 years, my husband was in a way enabling it through gaslighting (he is truly sorry) and I have essentially been living with a third person in our relationship. I have asked if there is a negotiation to make me feel more emotionally safe with these interactions such as inviting a brother or doing them when I can tag along. He is insisting that his therapist says to do what feels right for him (autonomy) and he wants this. I just feel like it is unfair to me. His brothers do not have these one-on-one interactions with her throughout the week and still have good healthy relationships with her so I don't understand why it is necessary and why there can't atleast be negotiation on the quantity (once a week). I have suggested a goal can be to have weekly dinners as a family together so he is still maintaining that relationship or 1-2 times a monthly one-on-ones but weekly while recovering from enmeshment and knowing his mom was using him as a primary attachment in the past and it was like a form of emotional infedelity to me, really hurts. If i need to respect his autonomy in "feeling this is right" than do I need to step away if I don't see myself not having resentment in a relationship where you do one-on-one interactions with your mom when your brothers don't require that, and we are already doing weekly visits with the family as a whole.

This brings me to my core issue. My nervous system is in absolute shock. I have tightness in my chest and a sick feeling in my stomach. I am realizing that I am fundamentally not comfortable with these weekly, exclusive 1-on-1 dates with his mother continuing into our future marriage.

Here is the data that makes me feel like I’m not crazy:

1. The Siblings Don't Do This: His brothers do not have weekly, exclusive 1-on-1 dates with their mother. His dad doesn't either. They all maintain good relationships with her without this intense frequency. He is being cast in a unique role to manage her emotions.
2. The Timing is Isolating: These 1-on-1s are explicitly scheduled on weekdays when I am at work or unavailable, structurally ensuring that I am excluded and a private alliance can be maintained.
3. I Am Not Anti-Family: I am 100% fine with seeing his family once a week. I am happy to do group dinners, weekend gatherings, or events where everyone is included. What I am against is the exclusivity and privacy of these weekly 1-on-1s, because that is where the boundary erosion and secret-keeping always happen.

Am I being rigid or unreasonable for making the elimination of these exclusive weekly 1-on-1 dates a non-negotiable condition for me?

I (F) am currently in married to my husband for 1 year. We’ve been together for 8 years. For a long time, there has been a severe enmeshment dynamic between him and his mother. He has historically defended her bad behavior, shared private relationship details with her, and allowed her to cross major boundaries.

Lately, we’ve been trying to do heavy boundary work. He is seeing a therapist who specializes in enmeshment. Yesterday, he actually had a good conversation with his mom where he told her he was prioritizing me and our relationship, and that he was going to give me some space from her. I felt like we finally took a step forward. He has really shown growth in the last month realizing he needs to put my himself first, our relationship next and THEN his family. He is navigating right now what his own wants are and trying to ensure through therapy what he wants is not influenced by me or his mom. I totally respect this autonomy and have seen it - I don't want to become his mother I want an equal partnership with respect and integrity. When discussing where we see our future with boundaries with both agreed no more secrecy, oversharing our personal life, discussion of me/our relationship with his mom, him standing up promptly when boundaries or my respect is violated by his mom. I believe him on this and can feel the shift in his priorities already. Often where most of the triangulation would happen was in one-on-one interactions with his mom during the week. I found out she would call in the morning and ask if i was working and if not, try to arrange a visit or interaction with him that day. With that, there have been times hes deleted communication from his devices between himself and his mom, omitted the truth about their conversations to me, and actually lied about seeing her. Sometimes we would have plans, he's saying hes going to the sauna, tell me hes going alone and then i'd find out later he went with his mom. She would sometimes send photos of the two of them or reveal this interaction through information he told her in these interactions later on and using that to influence our decisions (ie. what we are doing this weekend). I have just realized I was being emotionally abused by her for the last 7 years, my husband was in a way enabling it through gaslighting (he is truly sorry) and I have essentially been living with a third person in our relationship. I have asked if there is a negotiation to make me feel more emotionally safe with these interactions such as inviting a brother or doing them when I can tag along. He is insisting that his therapist says to do what feels right for him (autonomy) and he wants this. I just feel like it is unfair to me. His brothers do not have these one-on-one interactions with her throughout the week and still have good healthy relationships with her so I don't understand why it is necessary and why there can't atleast be negotiation on the quantity (once a week). I have suggested a goal can be to have weekly dinners as a family together so he is still maintaining that relationship or 1-2 times a monthly one-on-ones but weekly while recovering from enmeshment and knowing his mom was using him as a primary attachment in the past and it was like a form of emotional infedelity to me, really hurts. If i need to respect his autonomy in "feeling this is right" than do I need to step away if I don't see myself not having resentment in a relationship where you do one-on-one interactions with your mom when your brothers don't require that, and we are already doing weekly visits with the family as a whole.

This brings me to my core issue. My nervous system is in absolute shock. I have tightness in my chest and a sick feeling in my stomach. I am realizing that I am fundamentally not comfortable with these weekly, exclusive 1-on-1 dates with his mother continuing into our future marriage.

Here is the data that makes me feel like I’m not crazy:

1. The Siblings Don't Do This: His brothers do not have weekly, exclusive 1-on-1 dates with their mother. His dad doesn't either. They all maintain good relationships with her without this intense frequency. He is being cast in a unique role to manage her emotions.
2. The Timing is Isolating: These 1-on-1s are explicitly scheduled on weekdays when I am at work or unavailable, structurally ensuring that I am excluded and a private alliance can be maintained.
3. I Am Not Anti-Family: I am 100% fine with seeing his family once a week. I am happy to do group dinners, weekend gatherings, or events where everyone is included. What I am against is the exclusivity and privacy of these weekly 1-on-1s, because that is where the boundary erosion and secret-keeping always happen.

Am I being rigid or unreasonable for making the elimination of these exclusive weekly 1-on-1 dates a non-negotiable condition for me?