u/Emotional_Sundae_547

i have the blankets you returned in a suitcase so i can still smell you

because i dont know when i will get to again

i wanna see you already
play games

your mom is helping me help myself
and
im grateful to start

s, i love you forever

its heavy, but let that weight be mine. i dont want love another, not in this life. id rather be homesick til the day i die baby. and i hope thats okay. i hope you can be happy. thats all i want. for us. you being happy would make me the most happy i could be.

metaphor can make things easy… or all the more harder.

like how once you life the tape up, sure it make stick the second time around but it wont be as strong as the time before.

what i hate more than metaphors is i couldnt have ruined forever

thats all i even can write out…

i wanna call and text snap
i wanna just get okay
soon
please
please wait for me

i think not saying more right now is okay
because were friends
and im glad
you still are in my life
and i still can watch us grow
is this what i wanted all along?

i’m tired of “ifs” so this will be with a goal in mind
an open one at that

when i come back it can be at the pace we choose
when i come back i will say my peace to you
to your family
to your friends

i will become exactly who i said i would
i will be there to stay
when i come back forever. has a period
when i come back i mean it

can i keep this key?

when i come back, i hope to unpack your towels, not return them
when i come back i won’t wait to say the words
i love you
for always

maybe things go slow and we just play games
we take our time to build it strong
when i come back it wont matter how long it takes
when i come back i am there to stay

can ‘us’ forever still be?

i am screaming with a whisper tonight
crying in a whisper
because im not home
i have not been home for a while now

i miss the warmth
the sound of heartbeats

i am very homesick today
its took a lot to keep my message clean
it took more to wait for a response that said i would be waiting longer
but ill take it all

ill wait. be patient. and get up again.

i hope you had fun playing magic tonight

i wonder if you played your new game yet?

i hope ill get to find out.

anyway, i miss you. i hope you are okay baby, i think about you all the time

almost sent—

can we talk?

and i freeze because this part changes every time i think about the outcome—

‘about what?’

us.
i worry that tomorrow wont come. like so many plans and attempts before. im scared of things falling through. and i want to say two things and as one.

first, i am sorry. for more than just what ive put you through recently. but all of the things before. and i want to go into great detail

before i say the second
which is, thank you. not just for the softness and kindness you have extended to me numerous times since february, but for all of the times before, the countless times. i could ramble for hours about this

and yet i still am left with only one question that i dont care how long it takes us to answer.
can i come home to your heart?

im so tired of expecting the worst case..

but ill just be working up the courage instead worse case thoughts. i cant help the overthinking.. but i hope i can make it somewhat clearer. more meaningful
i wanna ask something small
thats also really big
but its a step forward regardless,
i just hope u feel the same way

if you dont, it will still be okay. because ive still had you. i may have made unchangeable mistakes, but i hope they are not unfixable. i really dont know how to say sorry for all these things i have messed up along the way… for leaving. for breaking up. for slowly moving out my stuff. for my plans to back track.

because i do see the wrong. i see the issues, but i am still working out how to solve them—without losing you S. i miss you, im sorry that i put us here, i hope that im able to prove this to you. one step at a time. i dont care how long it takes, i just want to get back to you. back home.

getting out of here was as hard as i should have expected, so i know i still have a long way to go in terms of personal goals i talk about. but those include me want to be with you. at the end of the day, i miss being there for you too. i dont know how much i really did, but if its anything close to how i feel about how you showed up for me… this loss is unfathomable and to think thats how you feel too… i imagine now the possibility of this somehow making us stronger. we can come back from this, i know it

thank you for being mine. thank you for all the time. i love you more everyday. more than words will ever say

we will be okay
and be happy

im so tired of expecting the worst case..

but ill just be working up the courage instead worse case thoughts. i cant help the overthinking.. but i hope i can make it somewhat clearer. more meaningful
i wanna ask something small
thats also really big
but its a step forward regardless,
i just hope u feel the same way

if you dont, it will still be okay. because ive still had you. i may have made unchangeable mistakes, but i hope they are not unfixable. i really dont know how to say sorry for all these things i have messed up along the way… for leaving. for breaking up. for slowly moving out my stuff. for my plans to back track.

because i do see the wrong. i see the issues, but i am still working out how to solve them—without losing you S. i miss you, im sorry that i put us here, i hope that im able to prove this to you. one step at a time. i dont care how long it takes, i just want to get back to you. back home.

getting out of here was as hard as i should have expected, so i know i still have a long way to go in terms of personal goals i talk about. but those include me want to be with you. at the end of the day, i miss being there for you too. i dont know how much i really did, but if its anything close to how i feel about how you showed up for me… this loss is unfathomable and to think thats how you feel too… i imagine now the possibility of this somehow making us stronger. we can come back from this, i know it

thank you for being mine. thank you for all the time. i love you more everyday. more than words will ever say

we will be okay
and be happy

new first section:
i am up late again and have been trying to distract myself because i still haven’t processed whats happening
and i am doing that
but i cant waste anymore time to tell u ill be doing whatever to get home. and i realize that doesnt mean anywhere. its like i said in the poem to u a while back. my home has a heartbeat, and i cant hear it anymore. its not the one inside my veins. i wonder if its still there. but the only way to know, is to look. so im thinking if its better i call, send a text, or something to give you a clue this is on my mind (like i have been for far too long now) or tell u in person. does it matter? i dont know if i hold too much weight in this question just to delay more. but im terrified to push you farther away.
maybe acknowledging that much helps me remember that u still can do things scared. and so i think i lean telling you before i see you in person. so u can think too. but i dont know. i dont want to be a weight on ur week. which is why i rationalize timing my text so ur off work if not for the week, the day. which means i have til the end of the work day today and before it gets too late for you to send a message or ask for a call. and if not then, ill repeat this thought process countless times a day until i see you. the hours i could message or call you last forever as i play scenarios through my head. i still i love you more each day and being like this is a lot.. i dont know how youve put up with this pain on top of what you are healing from in other spheres. i want to be there for you. and im not.

—

i want to take back the last year but i can’t
i want to stay
i never should have left
i know i did it, the thing i said i wanted not to do. it wasnt what i said, which was that i was scared we would start to hate each other and i dont want things to end bad. when i really meant: i dont want to fvck up so bad i hurt you and break us. which i did. and wow. i am sorry, and know that sorry is not just the words coming from me. its action. so i want to try refrain from making you carry the wait of me saying im waiting for /you/ by switching up the dynamic and avoiding responsibility. so i think instead of saying, “i want you back and if you say no im waiting for you.” (which puts you in another position uu didnt ask for) ill say, i understand error in my ways and my thoughts and my decisions have affected you in ways i didnt expect or want and i am beyond regretful. i want to respect where you are and i appreciate you staying in contact with me on this level. i dont wish to overstep where i should be right now. and i do still wish to be in your life. if that means staying how we are right now, thats what it means. if its not, can i be yours? with or without the space we have now, i want you to know the things i am doing that will make a difference. i dont want to under explain by trying to be reserved but i dont want to put my feelings on your shoulders. i dont want to hold u down or back, and at the same time i am fighting myself every night from asking you to take me back. and cant comfortably live without saying that and i love you. and i wish i didnt put you through the last 6 months and im sorry i wasnt there for you.

i want to change so many things and im sitting here feeling selfish. for involving myself and leaving and involving myself and expecting not to hurt you. or your family? im sorry i acted that way.

reddit,

i dont know how to speak to him. i dont know when. i sit here overthinking the wrong parts and avoiding the ones that matter. and so i am trying to take accountability and responsibility while being honest with S. and its confusing and conflicting so i cant imagine how they feel. and the last thing im going to do is tell them what they should.
do i ask for him back when i want to hold him and never let go? or do i leave him alone. i dont want to make him come back to me or say im waiting for him now bc i think both of those shift responsibility. and i dont wanna make him hurt anymore. is it selfish to do this? how do i make this better? im so lost and feel closer than ever to dying from health or accident and what if he never knows. i never stopped loving him. never loved him less. never could unperscribe the label ‘yous’

i feel insane
and i really am lost

i want to take back the last year but i can’t
i want to stay
i never should have left
i know i did it, the thing i said i wanted not to do. it wasnt what i said, which was that i was scared we would start to hate each other and i dont want things to end bad. when i really meant: i dont want to fvck up so bad i hurt you and break us. which i did. and wow. i am sorry, and know that sorry is not just the words coming from me. its action. so i want to try refrain from making you carry the wait of me saying im waiting for /you/ by switching up the dynamic and avoiding responsibility. so i think instead of saying, “i want you back and if you say no im waiting for you.” (which puts you in another position uu didnt ask for) ill say, i understand error in my ways and my thoughts and my decisions have affected you in ways i didnt expect or want and i am beyond regretful. i want to respect where you are and i appreciate you staying in contact with me on this level. i dont wish to overstep where i should be right now. and i do still wish to be in your life. if that means staying how we are right now, thats what it means. if its not, can i be yours, with or without the space we have now, i want you to know the things i am doing that will make a difference. i dont want to under explain by trying to be reserved but i dont want to put my feelings on your shoulders. i dont want to hold u down or back, and at the same time i am fighting myself every night from asking you to take me back. and cant comfortably live without saying that and i love you. and i wish i didnt put you through the last 6 months and im sorry i wasnt there for you.

i want to change so many things and im sitting here feeling selfish. for involving myself and leaving and involving myself and expecting not to hurt you. or your family? im sorry i acted that way.

reddit,

i dont know how to speak to him. i dont know when. i sit here overthinking the wrong parts and avoiding the ones that matter. and so i am trying to take accountability and responsibility while being honest with them. and its confusing and conflicting so i cant imagine how they feel. and the last thing im going to do is tell them what they should.
do i ask for him back when i want to hold him and never let go? or do i leave him alone. i dont want to make him come back to me or say im waiting for him now bc i think both of those shift responsibility. and i dont wanna make him hurt anymore. is it selfish to do this? how do i make this better? im so lost and feel closer than ever to dying from health or accident and what if he never knows. i never stopped loving him. never loved him less. never could unperscribe the label ‘yous’

i feel insane
and i really am lost