u/EndPuzzleheaded2402

TLDR My partner says she wants me to know how to respond when she's upset instead of asking her what she needs, but I truly don't know what she's looking for. How should I handle this?

I (28M) have been with my partner (29F) for a little over two years. Lately we've been having more verbal disagreements, and our relationship has lost a lot of trust. She also has an extremely stressful job at a small company where she's often working until 10 p.m., which leaves her emotionally drained.

When she gets home, she often wants to vent about work or something else that's upsetting her. I'm happy to listen, but I consistently seem to respond in the wrong way.

Early on, my instinct was to offer solutions. She told me that wasn't what she wanted, so I stopped doing that. She later said she wanted validation instead, but I'm struggling to do that in a way that doesn't sound generic. If I simply agree with her, it feels shallow. If I ask questions because I'm trying to understand, she sometimes feels like I wasn't listening or that I'm questioning her judgment.

This isn't limited to work. The same pattern happens whenever she's upset about something.

I've asked her directly what kind of response would feel supportive. Her answer has essentially been that she wishes I knew her well enough to know how to respond without asking, and that she wishes we could "just talk." That leaves me feeling stuck because I'm trying different approaches, but I don't know what she actually wants from me in those moments.

My question is: how should I respond when this happens? Is there a different approach I should be taking, or is it reasonable to expect that she needs to give me more guidance if my attempts aren't landing? I'm not looking to "win" an argument. I want to support her better, but right now it feels like we're both frustrated by the same recurring interaction.

Hey all,

I recently was thinking about what holds us back. There are a billion challenges with strict laid out goals, tasks, etc. There are a billion workouts, workout plans, diets, budgeting tools... you get the idea. It gets overwhelming. So here's something simple to help you just get started.

I'm calling it the 1-week SMEF challenge. Just one week to build momentum. Just four simple pillars, all benefiting from 1% improvement. SMEF stands for Sleep, Money, Exercise, and Food. Each of these has the potential to have outsized impacts on your life... for better or worse. The goals of the challenge are simple:

-Sleep for at least 8 hours each day

-Spend money ONLY on essentials (bills, food, gas, insurance... you get the idea)

-Exercise every day (even if its only a 10 minute walk)

-Cook all your food at home

You'll notice this isn't particularly prescriptive. What works for you might not work for somebody else. The goal of this is more to be diagnostic in nature, to help you see where your barriers are. For example, if you find that you don't mind getting out for a walk but you can't stand to cook dinner after work, that's a strong data point. If you find that you're grocery shopping at Walmart and are veering off into the clothing section, that's a data point. Noticing and understanding what holds you back is the first step in making change, and that's all this is meant to do. Let me know what you think, or if you end up trying this!

Hi all,

I had the revelation recently that commercial box gyms are basically incentivized to discourage people from attending. They benefit the most when people fall of the wagon and stop using their equipment, while forgetting that they're still paying for a membership. This is what allows them to get the sort of volume that places like Planet Fitness draw - the membership is cheap, so folks will think "well its good to have..." and then continue to not show up.

I think this is a faulty system. I've always believed that businesses should exist to solve problems - gyms should exist to benefit, encourage, and grow the people who belong to them. Corporate gyms currently exist to make money for their shareholders (as many/most businesses do these days).

My proposal is something that I'm (tentatively) calling The Gym Co-Op. Perhaps not a true co-op in financial structure, but the goal would be to build and align systems which reward people for bettering their health and engaging with the business. This could get expensive, but I think that building community and emotional / time investment in the members of this gym would serve to solve the churn problem that a lot of (most?) gyms have, so my initial thoughts (without having run a financial analysis) are that those likely even out.

Would love to hear your thoughts in the comments! Thanks for your time and attention! Cheers!