u/EquipmentWorth7315

I'm 29(f), and I think my depression has came back..

I've not spoke to anyone about it and if I'm honest I've made light of it when asked.

The cause?

I've lost myself.. I had a hard and abusive childhood to say the least and I grafted.. I grafted to make something of myself. And I did.. I got my qualifications and I went to university and became a paramedic. During uni, my wife and I went through fertility treatment, she carried twice and loar both and. we lost our jobs due to covid the lot..

I went cold turkey on the anti depressants and grafted.. got myself into martial arts, got a job with the ambulance service etc and all was going well.. I then went through fertility treatment, had 3 attempts which resulted in 1 miscarriage and 2 failed attempts.. no biggy yeah I was devastated but I pulled myself around... a year later we started the process to adopt and i applied for my masters degree to eventually get on air ambulance.. however.. at the same time my back went... and I ended up on long term sick for work..

I've been on the sick since, it's been 7 months.. doctors haven't took me serious because of my age and it's took all that time to get an mri which they've found issues with my lumbar spine..

During that 7 months I've lost everything that makes me me..

I've stopped the gym, kickboxing, jujitsu, can't lift anything heavy, have put weight on for this, rely on naproxen to function but it doesn't really work, I've lost all my mates and when I say all I mean all.. noone has checked on me in the last 5 months despite me reaching out.. as soon as my back went people just decided i was done for.. I have no social life.. my days are me sitting around in the house, doing ohysio and taking the dog for a walk.. my wife tries to get it but doesn't.. she just expects me to be okneith it in a way.. when we talk she says she gets why I can have down episodes but then expects my mood to be OK and gets short with me when it isn't.. I tried talking to her but I feel like she doesn't really get it.

Not I've been given a deadline with work.. I'm in alternative duties and I have 10 weeks left to find an alternative job through open vacancies which get sent to me and if none match my skill set I loose my job at the end of it... my career is literally over.. the doctors have said it as well.. I can't sustain the heavy lifting of the role and I feel like I've lost my identity and the one thing I loved doing..

The kicker of it is is the only thing going right is the adoption, they've started the process to match us with a little girl and I know I can hold it together enough for that..and I know I can hide it and be a good mam because I can hide it from everyone but inside I hate myself and what ive become.. I've peaked at 29 and I can't see how it can get better.. martial arts was my mental health outlet and I can't do it anymore.. my wife does it too because I signed us both up for it and I'm happy for her but I get internally devastated when she goes up a belt or gets asked to fight and not because I'm resentful to her, because I'm so proud of her and I back her all the way but because I hate my self and my body for stopping that for me.. my biggest fear is failure and that's all I feel that ive done right now..

I know I'm internally getting bad because I don't really drink and I've already half half a bottle of wine tonight.. I won't get really drunk because I've got work tomorrow (alternative duties = admin job working from home)

As I've said above.. I can hide it well from everyone.. I'm fully functional.. the closest I've got to letting it show was during a work meeting with my manager and hr when they said I wouldn't be able to return to my job and a paramedic and I had to find another job or I'd loose my job with the company.. I cried and walked away and they sent me a referral for the mental health team which she has emailed me about today because I've not engaged..

I'm embarrassed.. I normally have my shit together and I don't want to admit to anyone that knows me that I'm numb 24/7..

I know I'll pull it together and yeah I probably do need meds but I don't want to tell my wife about it and admit it.

I'm probably rambling about it but it's good to get it off my chest idk

Hi all,

I'm based in the UK and we are currently coming to the end of stage 2 with our panel in the next few months

We've met a child (2 years) who we have expressed interest In but are obviously its up to the social workers and family finders to ensure we would be a good fit as the child is what matters the most in this process.

My question is the same for both adoptees and adoptive parents as I'd love to get both points of view.

The child in question has been took into care because of parental MH. BM has good interaction with them during family time but has ignored countless opportunities to change and make the household safe for child and believes they gave done nothing wrong hence the care order.

There are talks of them having direct contact once a year as well as an annual letter and or a video recorded by BF.

ADOPTEES- for those who didnt have this, would you have preferred once a year direct contact with BM over just indirect contact ? For those of you who did have this arrangement, how did that end up developing over time and was it something that was more confusing due to it being only once a year? Did you end up having a hard time dealing with those emotions of only seeing them once a year as you got older or was it something you stopped yourself? I'm more interested in your thoughts because the child should be at the heart of the whole process as it is your lived experience. My main concern is that once a year may be more emotionally challenging and confusion as they grow up as well as the fact that contact may have to be stopped as the child ages due to safeguarding concerns which we have been told about. I'd love any thoughts off you guys if willing to share. Also if they didn't show up for contact how did this effect you and did you talk to your adoptive parents about these feelings?if so we're they helpful and if not what do you feel like you would have benefited with from them?

ADOPTIVE PARENTS- my question for you guys is to ask your thoughts on tihis in relation to how your child viewed this growing up? Did you see the positive side of it or did your child struggle more and how did this effect their emotional development growing up. Also, if contact needed to be stopped as the child aged if safeguarding issues arose how did you approach this with the child? Did you have to access therapy for the child surrounding this loss of contact? If the contact didn't get stopped how did this look like during teenage years when it it harder to monitor contact between child and BM once the teenager gets a phone, social media etc as obviously we still need to make sure the child is safe due to those safeguarding issues and how much help did you get navigating this from the adoption agency. Also if BM was a no show at an annual contact meeting how did you handle this with the child ( I've got a good idea how we would handle this but just looking for opinions off those who have lived experiances)

Points to note..

If matched, We are happy having an initial meeting with the mother to get to know her and build up a rapport with her.

We are open to trying this arrangement if its appropriate and remains appropriate for the child as I think they should know more about that part of their story if safe to do so

I hope this all made sense, thank you in advance for any comments and thoughts.