r/AdoptiveParents

2 years ago, we adopted a newborn, long, long story short, her bio dad is in the picture, visits a few times a year in person, video chats constantly, sends her gifts, there are reasons they can't be together but she's got him in her life.

She's almost 2.5 now and the other day she drew a picture with a bunch of shaky (I call them bubble people, figures made out of circles and ovals in different colors) I asked her who each one was, and she pointed out her siblings, and then she showed me the "grownups" "that's you, that's Daddy" (my husband) then she pointed to the third "and that's Papa" (Papa is what she calls her bio father) then she asked, "Mommy, should draw Mama?" Mama is what she calls her biological mother, who died shortly after she was born. "I draw Mama on cloud" she said.

"Why would you draw Mama on a cloud Baby?" I asked her.

"Cuz Mama in heaven, but still family..."

My heart... 😭

Backstory: We’re pursuing a private infant adoption through a nonprofit, and the birth parents chose us. They’re 19 and 58 — which obviously scared us. We have since learned that bio dad has developmental disabilities. It is not as predatory as it sounds. We’ve met in person, and so far, everything is going well. But I am absolutely spiraling thinking about all the things that could go wrong. I’ve never felt so simultaneously hopeful and terrified. Somehow, I’m not nearly as cool as a cucumber about this as I thought I’d be, and I’m struggling with just how much uncertainty comes with all of it.
5 more days left!!! After so many years of longing. I wish I could be more present for it.

Edit to add: she is an expectant mom not birth mom (yet) AND this is an open adoption, we are going through lots of counseling to ensure that we do the best we can for all people involved — most of all, what is best for baby. Regardless of it he comes home with us. Please be kind.

I don't want to go into detail out of respect for my niece's privacy, so I'll keep it brief. A few months ago, I had to take my niece into my care. She is almost six years old and was removed from the custody of her mother (my cousin) and her father due to physical abuse And severe neglect. As you might expect, she is carrying a lot of trauma.

žiju se svým manželem a naše děti jsou již mimo domov. moje neteř je na tom po malých krůčkách čím dál lépe a teď už s námi normálně komunikuje. obzvláště si oblíbila mého manžela čemuž se nedivím protože ač vypadá jako strašidelný dřevorubec je to definice gentle giant a naše děti nemohli mít lepšího otce.

Yesterday, I was at a café with my friends and mentioned that my niece is doing better; she is communicating with us and even likes to snuggle and sleep in my husband's arms—which was a huge step forward, considering she used to hate any kind of physical contact.

They gave me a strange look, so I asked them what was going on, and they told me it was inappropriate for a little girl to be in such close physical proximity to an adult man who isn't her father.

I was surprised and told them that I didn't find anything strange about it, and that we were glad she had opened up to us and felt safer.

She is finally able to sleep through the night if she lies in bed with us and isn't alone, so I have no intention of changing that but i just can't get what they just said out of my head. I know my husband doesn't have any ulterior motives thats not what this post is about I’d be curious to hear what someone else thinks about it.

My daughter is about to turn 11 and she was born in 2016. Her father and I separated in 2017 and we had 50/50 custody (a mix of a week on and a week off & a 2/2/3 schedule) until 2023. In 2023, when she was 7, my daughter alleged abuse from her step mom and an investigation was opened. I’ll spare the awful details but the ultimate conclusion of the issue was that the court ordered for her to live with me full time, and her dad was allowed supervised visitation every other weekend at his moms house as long as the step mother did not come within 100 ft of my daughter. As of now (Oct 2026), he has yet to exercise his visitation. Every couple of weeks he will have a 20 min or so conversation with her in passing while picking up his other child.

Up until 2023, his child support was $80 a month, but after she moved in with me full time, it went up to $1,065 per month & he carries her on his insurance and she is covered on mine as well. (he is a police officer and a MC Reserve). I’m not sure if that is important in this story.

She still has a good relationship with his family. She sees her great grandmother everyday after school (she picks her up until I get off of work) and her grandmother is very active in her life as well. They have always made sure she was welcomed, loved, and felt like part of the family. They have sleepovers and spoil her in the typical grandparent fashion. She is the first grandbaby, after all.

In 2021, I met my now husband. She was barely 5 at the time. He has been there for every scraped knee, father daughter dance, family dinner time, bully, etc. ever since then. He and I fostered a little boy for 2 years and it was the first time it really felt like we had a family. Eventually, our foster son was reunited with his mom and it was just us 3 until 2024, when our son was born.

When our son was born, there was almost immediate jealousy because he shared the same last name as my husband and she did not. I thought this would pass, but it has not. It’s been increasingly bothering her since then, and she has expressed many times how it makes her feel “incomplete”, “left out”, and not “actually part of the family”. These feelings for her peaked in 2025 when I married my husband. Up until then, her and I had the same last name; but now she is the only one with a different name.

One day, she went to the park with my husband and privately asked him if she could have his last name. To sum it up, he basically responded by saying he was honored, but ultimately that decision was up to me and her father. So a few weeks later she asked me. I tried to let her down easy and basically say it’s not possible because her dad would never agree, which is a requirement.

Some more time goes by and she asks again. I basically told her that if she really wanted to do that, she would have to ask her dad. Though I secretly didn’t want her to because his child support goes into a savings account for her so that she has a decent amount of money to start off with when she’s grown. Whether it be college, a car, start a business, etc. Realistically, we would be financially okay without it because it’s all already dedicated to her. But in the event that that child support stops, there’s no way we can put up the amount of money up per month for her as we do now.

So a couple weeks ago she asked her dad on the phone if she could change her last name and he said they would talk in person. Another week passes and they talked and she let me know that he said she could change it as long as my husband legally adopts her.

Again, I know my husband would feel honored and jump at the opportunity. Plus, it sounds like a dream to be able to raise my daughter (like I have been, all 11 years) without having to consider & answer to someone who barely knows her regarding medical, travel, and/or other extraordinary decisions. (Example- I had to get the court involved just to get ahold of him to get his notarized signature so she could get a passport for vacation).

But I can’t help but wonder if it is the right decision to go through with this. Thinking about what she would miss out on vs what she gains. She is only 11, what if we look back and realize a last name wasn’t worth diminishing what little relationship she had with her dad or the financial security she could have early into adulthood? What if we don’t do it and she continues to feel isolated? It’s not just about the money, it’s also that I feel like once he is not legally obligated to be a part of her life, he will wash his hands of her completely. I’m afraid it will cause her more pain and do more harm than good.

This is the first time in my life as a mom that I genuinely do not know which decision will be in her best interest. What would you do?

I am borrowing a friends old account to post this, but am hoping to get some advice and perspective from others who have found themselves in situations similar to what my family is currently navigating.

Background: We were asked to adopt our child shortly after birth due to in utero drug exposure. We have known the birth family for decades and initially had a very open adoption, but unfortunately the birth mom is still in active addiction which led to a dangerous situation at our last in-person visit. We have been strictly no-contact with her ever since but have maintained contact with other members of the birth family, as we value that biological connection for our child.

Current dilemma: I recently found out through a member of the birth family that birth mom is currently in her early third trimester with a full biological sibling and, according to this family member, the birth mom might want us to adopt this baby as well. We are feeling really conflicted and overwhelmed for a number of reasons.

1. I don’t trust it. I worry that the birth mom is trying to manipulate our boundaries, that we set to keep our family safe, to gain access to our child. I’m not comfortable sacrificing my child’s safety. It also feels gross and manipulative to reinstate the relationship just to gain access to this child, I don’t want to do that.

2. If it is real, this isn’t how we saw our family growing but it feels like an incredible gift to give our child a full biological sibling who shares their story. But, if we do say yes, what happens next time and when does this end?

3. How do we do this? Do we start working to coordinate a private adoption with the birth parent now, or do we wait until the baby is born (knowing that drug use will likely continue) and work through CPS? There are also half-siblings still in the home and I struggle with the idea that stepping in privately may prevent the natural consequences that may protect them from future harm as well.

I recognize that as of right now this is all hearsay and, if we do move forward, we will eventually have to a direct conversation with birth mom to verify what she wants. I also want to be clear that should birth mom decide to seek treatment to get sober and parent this child, we fully support that and see that as a best case scenario for our child as well, we are by no means trying to take this child from her behind her back.

We, of course, plan to consult with our adoption attorney before making any moves, but would really value any general advice or perspective from adoptive parents that have been through similar circumstances, thank you in advance.

Hi! My husband and I are both in our mid 30s and from outside Pittsburgh PA, due to me not being able to have children and my husband having a stroke almost 2yrs ago we have decided we want to do a newborn adoption my job will reimburse for adoption but I am not sure where to even start. I've looked at a few websites and not sure how legit the sites are etc and could use some advice

Thank you ❤️

If you could let your child's birth or adoptive mom know one thing, what would it be?

I (29f) have always had the desire to adopt. A few years ago I decided I wanted to adopt from foster care and didn’t mind doing so as a single parent. I have yet to do it, even with my strong desire to adopt, for a couple reasons. I had my own set of pre-requisites that I wanted completed before doing so (finishing school, having my own place, etc.) Now that all of that is done, I still have a thought/fear in my mind: if I choose to adopt as a single parent, is that depriving the child of a chance at a two parent household?

I know I could provide love, and care, and a good upbringing for any child I adopt, and I might not be the “perfect family “ since it’s just me and no father (I do have a large family for support). Am I overthinking?

My mum helped friends have a surrogate baby in 1976 in Canada in the King City (north of Toronto)

This was done privately as friends, to help them achieve the dream of being parents. A healthy boy was delivered, and my mum handed over their son with love and joy and excitement for them to raise as their own.

She has never probed or checked but often wondered about his life.

In conversation with me today, she mentioned that he had come looking for her many years ago, but the person he had found had since died so it all reached a dead end. He may have spoken to someone called Elisabeth (Byse)

She had sat with the thought of wanting to connect but accepted it wasn’t possible due to info limitations.

I know this is a far reach but I was wondering if anyone could help.

The info I have is limited.

If you were born on 12th December 1976
King City/North Toronto
Had a father named Michael
And went looking for your surrogate mother at some point 10/15 years ago (and you may have been a pilot???)

Then please let me know!!

I would love to give my mum this gift. She has been a selfless person her entire life. The internet can be a scary place and overwhelming if you don’t know how to look. If he had never tried to look for her, I would understand this task would be 10,000X harder - but he’s tried, so I’m taking it as a sign that it’s our turn to try back.

She’s based in the UK now, but any leads would be great.

Thank you!!