u/throwawaybdaysf

My son is 4 and has a 3-month-old biological sister in foster care in a different state. Her caseworker has shared with me that she anticipates the case going towards TPR for various reasons, but they aren’t willing to place baby sister with my family until then (unless potentially mom signs over rights or the foster family disrupts).

Of course, by then the best thing for her might be to stay with the foster family that raised her since infancy … right? Or would it?

Regardless, would you have wanted your APs to try to facilitate contact? Would you have wanted them to try to fight for her to come live with you? Or would you have preferred stability in the home you were living in?

I’m struggling with what the right thing to do is, especially because my wife and I have very different instincts but we agree that our first priority is to the child we’ve already made the commitment to. So our priority is doing what’s best for him, then baby sister, then considering what might be best for us and bio mom.

Okay so I’m one adoptive mom from a two-mom family who has two transracially adopted boys who came to me as infants through private agencies.

I know a lot of people already have opinions about me and my situation from that one sentence! Some of them I don’t care about (e.g. if you think two women shouldn’t raise kids together I aggressively don’t care) but some I think are legitimate criticisms or at least red flags (e.g. I think transracial parenting is objectively very hard to do well and most people do not do it well).

I think most of us can acknowledge that there are very serious criticisms to make of the US private adoption system. No matter the intent of the people involved, it does have roots in straight-up child trafficking, it does even in the best of cases have serious potential to take advantage of vulnerable pregnant people, and it does make use of a capitalist model that probably has no business being part of child welfare.

At the same time, I think about my children. My boys did not have the option to be raised by their birth parents or even kinship care. I will not get into the details of why or how I know this, but for the purposes of this conversation, let’s take for granted that I do know this. Their options were private adoption or going into the foster system. I am not sure about the younger one, but the older one would almost certainly have eventually been adopted either way.

So … I think most people, if familiarized with the options, would ultimately agree the best option that my kids had actually available to them and their bio families, under the system that currently exists, was probably private adoption into loving, stable, vetted families that respect their first families.

Or maybe not! Happy to hear other thoughts on what would have been best for children in this situation! I know guardianship is technically an option, but I don’t know how well that fits here. I think little ones do need parents if at all possible.

But the reality is that these children who need permanent external care, ideally very early on, exist. The system we have in the US is very, very imperfect but it’s also the system we currently have to get those kids into homes.

So anyway, what I’m trying to say/ask is, how do we, as adoptive parents, try to maintain an ethical posture and ethical behavior while engaging in a messed up system? Is it just by being the best adoptive parents we can be and educating ourselves (and others) on the issues adoptees face? Is it by demanding ethical behavior of agencies? Is it by looking to change laws? Is it by refusing to engage in the system at all?

Moreover, can anyone describe to me a system for getting vulnerable kids into homes that … is actually child-centered? One that exists or your “pie in the sky” version.

I said something about this in the comments the other day and got downvoted, so I’m interested to see what happens if I try starting a larger conversation with more fully fleshed-out opinions.

P.S. I’m specifically not posting in the main adoption subreddit not because I don’t want to learn from adoptees and birth families and etc, etc but because a) this is more relevant to adoptive parents than adoptees, and b) adoptees have no choice in being part of the system whereas we do. However, everyone is welcome to share their thoughts!

It would be an ICPC kinship placement, although I have no biological relationship with mom. My son was privately adopted at birth.

The caseworker feels that TPR is going to happen in another year. Says she can’t see how they can do it and that she doesn’t think dad is the dad anyway because baby is not the same race as him. Says they are keeping us in mind for when TPR happens, if mom decides to surrender, or if current foster placement disrupts. Baby is three months old tomorrow.

I get frustrated by the idea that even with all these statements put out there, no one is making any effort to get paternity testing done in a timely manner, actually explore us as a possibility, or even, apparently, ask mom what she wants. I told her I am pretty sure mom would want baby with us if not with her and she goes “Oh, really? Well that’s really nice for me.”

If baby comes to us, it seems like she’d be a toddler. Can anyone share their experience with having a toddler come from another foster placement, especially as an adoptive or pre-adoptive placement? What was adjustment like? I’m so sad thinking about her. I just want her to be where she is going to stay and safe and loved. Maybe she’s there right now but I have no way of knowing.

I’ve noticed a lot of times prospective adoptive parents get met on these subreddits with skepticism bordering on outright hostility. That makes sense to me when it comes from adoptees; a lot of the time they are coming from a place of being very aware of what their own parents did wrong, especially if they don’t think their parents should’ve adopted.

Admittedly I’ve seen some PAP posts that were clearly not only ignorant, but hearts not in the right place. Those make my heart sink.

But what about the ones who are asking legitimately good questions and/or are ignorant but coming from a good place? Like I said, I get it from adoptees. But how do y’all, as APs, react to those ones?

For me personally, it feels like an opportunity. I enjoy the possibility of prompting them to consider the full picture of adoption and not the movie version. I like pointing them to a full consideration of the ethics. I like being honest about the joys and also what makes it harder.

My hope is that in doing that, I’m leaving people with an impression that’s not just “people are mean on the internet,” but instead, “here’s what I should do to be the best parent to my future kid.” And maybe even, “here’s what I should be advocating for in my state laws/with my agency/etc.”

What about you?

Also, if you’re a PAP, I will definitely be your anonymous adoption friend via DM lol

We adopted my 4.5-year-old at birth. He is absolutely the coolest, smartest, funniest kid and none of this is intended as complaint at all. But I’m interested in knowing if other people’s kids are or were similar.

He acts very much ”securely attached” in the ways that people describe it. He is usually not distressed to see us go but always wants a hug and kiss, and is thrilled to see us when we return. He comes to us for comfort (and gets it) when something goes wrong, and if he’s upset with one of us, he wants comfort from that person particularly.

But it seems like he is slower in developing emotional independence than other kids. This is completely fine if he just needs to take his time, but if it’s a sign of something that needs addressing more than we are (he’s in therapy) then I’d like to do that.

A simple example: he has known how to buckle his own car seat for a long time, but he always wants me to do it. At kids’ birthday parties, he usually wants one of us to play with him, even though the other kids are options for playmates. He still does not fall asleep by himself at night. We’ve only recently gotten him to go potty by himself and even with that he needs us to “keep him company” while he goes #2.

We gently move him toward independence, and he’s very independent skills-wise, but often wants help just because he wants it.

He also does a lot of like “you’re the peepee-est mama in the world!” or whatever while grinning and looking for our reaction. Maybe this is just preschooler mischief but it feels like it’s also a little bit of a test?

And when he doesn’t get enough attention, he becomes SUPER dysregulated. Hitting, jumping, kicking, generally acting like a wild child … happy! But not regulated. It’s somewhat easy to head off because we just need to really pay attention to him, but it’s definitely notable.

He also has pre-natal drug, alcohol, and stress/trauma exposure. We suspect mild FASD and/or ADHD, but it’s hard to tell because he’s so high-masking (perfectly behaved angel child at school, with grandparents, etc.)

Does anyone here have a child with a similar story? Anything in particular you did to support them or gently help them become more emotionally independent?

Again, if the need is simply “continue providing the love and reassurance because he won’t need it forever,” then that’s fantastic, I will happily enjoy my bedtime snuggles. But if this is a sign of something needing to be addressed, I’d like to do that! And I also have a younger one and would like to know if this is super common in adoptees so I know whether to expect it in him!

Edit: I guess I wasn’t clear that I’m looking at this in comparison to other kids his age! I feel like all this is within the normal range but not many of his classmates, etc seem to be having similar experiences.

Mommy (soft and cuddly) and mama (even softer and cuddlier) were so so proud of me (6mM) when I learned to crawl!

Wellll crawl might be an overstatement but I push myself right around the room with my arms on my tummy.

So tell me why they keep interfering in my crawling adventures!!!

I try to crawl off the big cozy bed and they shriek “NO NO NO!!!”

I try to crawl off the couch and my big brother (4M, the coolest person in the world) yells “THE BABY IS GOING TO FALL!!!”

I try to crawl into the box that appears to be a cross between a sandbox and a stationary diaper for my furry friends and they say “UGH, that’s SO GROSS!”

Worst of all, when they are changing my diaper (an activity I used to love b/c there was a bunny mobile and sometimes tickles involved) they put me on my BACK and hold me there while they change me. I don’t even WANT to be changed! I just want to crawl off the changing table! And they’ve been encouraging me to crawl for weeks! The inconsistency is unbelievable!

So AITA for just wanting to practice my new locomotion skills?

I feel like this sounds stupid, but it’s a genuine concern I have and I’d love people (especially adoptees) to share their thoughts to help deepen my feelings about it.

I am so grateful for my sons. I am not grateful that they were in difficult pre-birth circumstances. I am not grateful that they had to lose the relationships with their first families that they might’ve had. (They still have relationships, but it’s obviously not the same.) I’m not grateful they had to go through trauma to get to me.

But I’m so deeply grateful to know them. They’ve made me a better person, challenged and stretched me, given me so much laughter and joy, and made me happier than I knew I could be.

Is it possible to say “I’m glad you’re part of my family” without implying “I’m glad you’re not with your first family”? Is it possible to say “I’m grateful you came to me” without also implying “you should be grateful you came to me”?

To be clear, this is just them being themselves. I have no expectations on who they will become as they grow except that I’d like to help them be kind and resilient. It truly is absolutely unconditional love in a way I’ve never felt for anyone else in this world.

If it matters, they both come from situations where staying with birth parents was not possible or safe.

But I don’t want to make the wound worse.

Am I overthinking this? Am I missing something obvious? Any thoughts?

I don’t get mad because of jealousy or them being my child’s birth parents. I don’t even get mad because of their behavior during pregnancy or their behavior towards me. But I get real mad at how they treat their children and I feel like there’s nothing to do but swallow it.

I’ve been working on this post for weeks because it feels like something vulnerable and difficult that I want to say. I may delete it quickly, especially if I get pushback. Pushback is fine! But I’m not expressing something that’s reflective of my beliefs or behavior. Just my feelings.

One: it feels like she is constantly (and only) looking for validation from him. I know this is a product of her own myriad stuff. I respect and love her and get why she is the way that she is. But still … this is her preschool-aged child! If she is going to say “I miss you” and “I love you,” she just cannot throw a tantrum if he doesn’t say it back. (Relatedly: today he told me my new name is “poo poo stupid mama old mama.”)

The other: she abruptly chose to cut communication and not to see ANY of what an amazing little person he is. I get why she needed the distance (or I think I do, because she didn’t explain). But I don’t get how I can avoid feeling hurt and angry that she just ignores his existence when I know it’s likely going to hurt him and be perceived as a rejection of HIM when he’s old enough to ponder it.

I’m mad that they aren’t seeing their sons for the incredible tiny humans that they are. I’m mad because my kids deserve to be seen and celebrated as full humans, especially by their first mothers.

I don’t know. These are emotions I’m struggling with lately and I would never obviously share them with the people in question (or OF COURSE my children) so I wanted to see if anyone can relate.

I feel like where I’m at is just unsustainable. I’m really hoping for no judgment as I’m really doing my best, but I will gladly take advice on sleep, reducing my anxiety, or both.

My baby is six months old. He’s adopted and we’ve had him since birth. He has always struggled with crib sleep, or basically anything that would be considered safe sleep according to the guidelines. He obviously sleeps much better when contact sleeping (what baby doesn’t?), but I also describe it as he just likes to be cozy. Our four-year-old was different; he has always been low sleep needs and also didn’t start sleeping through the night consistently until we started sleeping with him six months ago … but we could do crib transfers! Or we switched him to a floor bed at a certain point and could get up and leave him there. He would stay for hours and wake up only once or twice a night, which was sustainable.

With this baby, when he was a newborn and we were both on maternity leave (two mom family) we split shifts. That was not working for us as it caused us to fall asleep with him on the couch, chair, etc., during our shift.

So we decided to shift to cosleeping. One of us will sleep in our four-year-old’s bed and one of us will sleep with him in our bed. This is working really well from a sleep perspective for him because he only wakes once or twice a night for feeds but otherwise sleeps through. The problem is it’s giving me so much anxiety that I can’t sleep.

I went down a rabbit hole one night reading people’s horror stories about babies who died from bed, sharing accidents. Every time I read resources about safe sleeping it makes me feel worse because there are pieces of it that are just not possible for us. He is formula fed because he’s adopted. We don’t drink, but he was exposed prenatally to alcohol and other drugs (none that were smoked I don’t think? But I can’t attest to that) because again, adopted. He also has as close to a diagnosis of asthma as they are willing to give in such a young child.

I wake up on mornings when I’ve slept with my four-year-old and I come in and see my wife with him in a full-on snuggle on top of her arms with blankets up to his waist. His face is by hers, not breast height. I feel like I’m about to have panic attacks when I see this, although I don’t actually. I’ve spoken to her about this but she gets defensive. She’s also unable to get him in the crib at all, whereas I’m able to get him down some nights for a little while.

She says the only options in her opinion are to sleep train or continue as we are. Both of those ideas feel completely unbearable to me.

Meanwhile on my own nights with him, I can’t shake the thought that I’m going to wake up and he won’t be breathing. I’m not sure if this is PPA (even though I’m not a birthing mother and he’s six months old) or a normal reaction to the situation.

Help!!!

I’ve posted before about my adoptive child’s bio sibling being in care and us trying to foster or adopt them, whichever would be preferable to all parties.

It’s honestly driving me absolutely up a wall that nobody—NOBODY!!!—seems to feel any urgency around what happens to this poor baby but me.

The baby’s mom is a lot more concerned with where she’s going to get her makeup given that she’s about to be re-incarcerated. Putative father is dragging his feet on things that could open up safe kinship placements on his side, including one with a sibling already in the home.

The court and the caseworker seem content to let the process play out as messily and slowly as it needs to. That makes some sense in that this is one of many cases for them, but it’s also a tiny, tiny baby with bio siblings in homes that I either know or suspect would love to have her. I don’t understand why they couldn’t at least push paternity along.

As foster parents, do you have this experience? Kids where a move seems likely (and potentially in the child’s best interest) but no one is actually making moves to make it happen? Or in general it feels like you’re the only one invested in the child’s outcome? Am I right to be frustrated here? We promised ourselves we wouldn’t let this baby just flounder in the foster system and it feels like we’re breaking that promise.

What can I be doing right now to position myself well? The caseworker last talked about a voluntary adoption but I’d be open to fostering as well if it came up down the line. It’s interstate so ICPC would be involved.

Hi everyone, I have a kind of specific question that I’m hoping someone has had some experience with and can speak to.

I adopted my son several years ago through a private agency. We’ve had an open relationship with his birth mother since. She recently had another baby and was talking about placing this new baby with us throughout the pregnancy. Unfortunately, due to life circumstances on her end, by the time the birth happened there was no firm decision made and baby is now in foster care.

I’ve been talking to baby’s caseworker. Mom is unfortunately not doing well so she’s currently in a situation where she doesn’t have access to her phone and I’m getting updates from the caseworker, and I thought we were talking about us fostering the baby if a long term placement ever was deemed necessary. However, the caseworker is now saying she would support a voluntary adoption if that’s what mom wants. I don’t know how she currently feels about placement with us vs. parenting, but I do know she hates that baby is in care and I can see her agreeing to this to get stability for baby.

The problem is I have no idea what it looks like! Has anyone ever done anything remotely similar? I presume she would need to sign relinquishment paperwork, then ICPC would happen (New York to Texas), then we could take baby home. But would ICPC run on a foster care/public adoption timeline or what? Would we need a home study done by our state or would our in-state adoption agency that we have an existing relationship with work? I gather we are considered “fictive kin” but I don’t know what that means in terms of adoption. I want to be as ready as possible without spending excess money.

More information is slightly relieving my anxiety about not knowing how this will play out or if baby is okay. So if anyone has any experience with this at all (adoption of a baby through foster care with voluntary relinquishment) I’d love to hear your story!

My (adopted) son’s birth mother had a baby recently. She’s spent most of the last six months going back and forth between incarceration or court-ordered rehab so baby was taken into care very quickly. In her particular case, the substance use disorder is more a symptom than a cause of the challenges that make it very difficult for her to parent safely.

We’d had some conversations with her about her possibly placing baby for adoption through an agency, but that did not happen for various reasons. I thought (and told her!), based on conversations with various people, including an adoption attorney in the state, that once CPS was involved, an adoption plan at the mother’s initiation was rare to essentially legally impossible.

So I’ve been talking to the caseworker about possibly taking placement, but I thought we were talking about fostering. It’s interstate so I know ICPC would be involved and it would be a long process. But then yesterday I asked if we were still being considered and she said it was “at [baby’s mom]’s discretion.” I clarified if she meant as a voluntary adoption, and she said yes, and that they’d support her if that’s what she chose.

I have two questions that I’m hoping someone here might be able to answer.

First, what might be going on with planning in this case that would cause a caseworker to be thinking in terms of voluntary adoption? Baby has been in care for weeks, not days or months. Could it be that the caseworker privately expecting the case to go towards TPR if it continues and trying to bypass that? Or that mom is expressing a desire to place? (We haven’t spoken directly to her in a while because of phone limitations in the places she is.)

Second, would this legally and procedurally look more like a private adoption or an adoption from foster care? I am thinking in terms of ICPC, post-placement, home studies, etc. I’m asking here because I am hoping someone has familiarity with cases like this specifically since CPS is still involved.

I’ve adopted two boys through agency infant adoption. I know that system is deeply unpopular in certain parts of the internet, and for good reason. Although I think the complexity of it is often flattened in online discussions (as complexity tends to be), I have seen enough weirdness in how the adoption industry operates that I now feel … complex feelings about how my boys came into my life, especially the older one.

To be clear, I am absolutely obsessed with my children and they’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. I work harder at being a good mama to them than I’ve ever worked at anything in my life and a huge part of that is maintaining birth family relationships where possible, being trauma-informed, talking a lot about adoption with them, etc. They also both have more than one sibling in foster care with no immediate plans for reunification.

I originally came here because of my oldest’s youngest sibling. She’s a newborn in care and CPS is considering an ICPC placement with us, which I made a post about a couple weeks ago. Still don’t know how that situation is going to play out, but it’s making me think a lot about fostering in general. It feels like even if we aren’t able to help this one little girl, or any of my kids’ siblings, at least fostering would allow us to support other kids in similar situations. It might feel healing and purposeful. Also, I’m a teacher and my favorite thing is spending time with kids.

But my wife (queer couple) worries a lot about how it would impact our boys. That having someone come in as a sibling, then be sent back to bio parents (who may or may not be doing that much better) would be traumatizing for them. I suggested waiting until they’re teens, but she responded that she thinks they may need MOST support as teens (they are both at risk for FASD, though they’re young—four and an infant).

I personally have a worry that unless they’re significantly older, having foster kids in the house would make them feel less secure in their place in our family, especially as adoptees. Like, if X can go back to their bios, what about me? My older son would very explicitly not like this and find it scary. We obviously talk about like “you’re our forever family!” etc. and he says he is going to live with us forever, but … I don’t know.

I would want to wait at least four or five years (aside from this current or another sibling situation), until my kids are old enough that we have a strong sense of what their longer-term needs might be. I also think it would probably be best to foster younger than them only. I’d be open to being a permanency option for a foster child, but wouldn’t come into it with a “foster-to-adopt” mindset.

Anyone foster after adopting (from foster care or otherwise, but ideally kids who came into your life when they were very young)? Or have thoughts on how your bio kids handled having foster kids come through and then leave?

I think in a couple of years I might try volunteering as a CASA to see how that feels.

Hi all, my child (through private adoption) had a biological sibling born recently who was removed from mom’s care in New York. We live in Texas. Longstanding open adoption relationship. The baby’s caseworker called me recently and asked (among other things) if we were open to placement of the baby. I know paternity is in question, and I also know there are no in-state/biological kinship options on mom’s side, so depending on how paternity plays out, I do think this could circle back to us.

Has anyone had experience with this sort of “fictive kinship” placement? What about ICPC placements when the process started when the child was a newborn? Or general ICPC with New York as sending state and Texas as receiving state? I’d love to hear more about what would be expected of me, what the process was, what communication was like, what timelines might look like, etc.

Especially if your own bio sibling lived with you for a time and then was reunified with their parents. Also interested in adoptive parents’ perspectives if you’ve done this.

I adopted my child at birth, and have had an open relationship with his birth mother since. There’s a lot to the story but the upshot is she recently had another baby and we were contacted by CPS in her county yesterday asking, among other things, if we’d be open to a possible longer-term foster placement of the baby.

In addition to the many other considerations we’d take into account if they got to the point of actually wanting to place with us (which I recognize may not happen), I’m worried about how this will affect my kiddo. He’s very secure with us, loves babies, has a pretty sophisticated understanding of adoption for his age, in age-appropriate therapy, etc … at the same time, I obviously need to prioritize his needs before the baby’s because I’ve already committed to that.

I also don’t want him to ever feel like we didn’t value his bio family and his origins enough to try to help his bio siblings. Without getting into details, he has another bio sibling who has been through a lot and is no longer living in the home.

We’d definitely be open to adoption/permanency with the baby if it came to that, but I worry specifically about what if the baby is ever reunited with their parents, especially mom (the shared parent).

This is coming on the heels of me thinking a lot about fostering in general. So if you have a different answer if it’s just general fostering—of kids younger than the adopted kids, with older and stable adopted kids—I’d be interested in hearing it! This would be years down the line, but obviously this sibling situation is a bit more urgent than that.

I’m going to just quickly request that people to answer the question asked rather than commentary on my child’s adoption, CPS’s behavior, questions about birth mom, etc. I know there’s a lot there but I am processing it appropriately with family and a great therapist. Thanks in advance!

TW: abuse/domestic violence

I had to call CPS on my child’s birth mother for some things that were happening with a biological sibling.

She’s pregnant again and I’ve been trying to call CPS again to let them know I’m open to this child as a foster placement.

I 100% support her right to try to work a program and get her children back and I’ll be thrilled for her if she manages to make changes. I don’t want to be predatory. I just think that this baby is likely to go into care and it’d be better for them to be with a biological sibling. But I do think on the other sub they’d think I was being predatory unless I shared way more details than is appropriate …

At this stage I think that she and her partner (mutually abusive relationship) think I and my partner are trying to steal the baby from them. She’s already accused me of trying to steal her older child who was put into care.

I’m genuinely trying to be child-centered. But it won’t ever be seen that way.