u/Evening-Bad-4243

I’ve been in a relationship with Guy A for about five years total, with a breakup in the middle and then a “second chance” phase. We’re technically broken up, but we’re still very emotionally connected, texting and calling a lot, and neither of us really knows what to call it right now.

Our history is very intense and complicated. Before our “second chance,” I went through a very serious and traumatic situation with another person, Guy B, who I married in 2021. He was on probation and already facing charges before me, and that relationship turned into domestic violence. I divorced him in 2023. Guy A knew about all of this. Even though I don’t have charges on me, the whole situation with Guy B and that marriage completely destroyed my life at the time and deeply damaged my relationship with Guy A. It took a long time for us to forgive each other and try to love each other again. There are a lot of insecurities in our relationship because of that period, and I still carry intense regret and shame for putting myself in that situation. I feel like some people will always hate me for it, and I struggle to forgive myself.

The relationship between me and Guy A has also had a long pattern where I’m the one carrying most of the responsibility. I describe it as feeling like “the man of the house.” I’m the one who plans, sacrifices, problem‑solves, and feels all the guilt when things go wrong. He often tells me I don’t understand his point of view, or that my reactions are “walls” or me being guarded. I have a dissociative system and he says he loves all of us, but when we argue, the blame usually lands on me and my “walls” instead of on the dynamic itself.

Before going back with Guy A after the divorce, I had one genuinely stable and loving relationship with an ex Guy C. He really did love me and was emotionally consistent and safe. At the same time, I was the one working full-time and paying the bills, and he wasn’t very helpful at home — he didn’t know how to cook or do basic chores without me telling him exactly what to do, which was frustrating because I felt like I had to carry everything. I ended up leaving him for Guy A, and I’ve carried a lot of guilt and shame about that, because it feels like I walked away from the one mostly healthy relationship I had. Regardless of the situation, my family didn’t like Guy C all that, and it was a strain with my family, so experience feeds into my current beliefs that I don’t deserve safe love, that I’ll ruin the good things I’m given, and it makes it harder for me to trust myself when I try to choose partners or set boundaries now.

Right now, the main conflict is that we don’t see a way to be together in person that feels fair or safe. I live in Puerto Rico with my dad and my dog. My safety, support system, car, and work are here. Going back to Florida would mean being back in the environment where so much of my trauma happened, being near people who hate me, and giving up the stability I’ve rebuilt. For me, that feels like blowing up my life and putting myself back in danger.

From his side, if he moved to Puerto Rico, he’d be in a place where he doesn’t speak the language, has no family, and no support system. On top of that, neither of us has the money, credit, or stable housing lined up to just “get a place together” in either location. We’re both already stretched financially, so it’s not as simple as “whoever moves just rents an apartment” – right now that isn’t realistically possible for us.

So the only “big” options either of us can see are: I sacrifice everything and move there, or he sacrifices everything and moves here, without a real financial or logistical plan under it. There is no clear middle option on the table yet that feels safe, fair, and doable for both of us.

Emotionally, we’re stuck in a loop. Guy A often texts/calls wanting to talk about how lonely and hurt he is, how much he misses and loves me, and how he doesn’t know what to do. He asks “what are we going to do now? what’s the plan?” almost every day. I feel pressured to give him an answer or a plan, but I honestly don’t see one that doesn’t destroy one of us. When I try to say “there is no good plan right now,” he still comes back to how much he’s hurting and how he feels I’m not present enough, that I’m busy or distant. Then he apologizes and says he understands I was busy, which makes me feel guilty all over again.

I keep minimizing my own pain and focusing on his, but I’m exhausted. I feel like the only way this relationship can be “saved” is if one person proves they love more by sacrificing everything, and that person is expected to be me. At the same time, I still care about Guy A deeply, and I do want help seeing if there’s any way to make this more equal and less painful instead of repeating the same cycles.

We’re also open to working on the relationship as it is now, long‑distance, instead of focusing only on moving. We would like recommendations on how to make a long‑distance relationship healthier and more stable.

I’m at a lost.. I don’t know what to do. Please help

I’ve been in a relationship with Guy A for about five years total, with a breakup in the middle and then a “second chance” phase. We’re technically broken up, but we’re still very emotionally connected, texting and calling a lot, and neither of us really knows what to call it right now.

Our history is very intense and complicated. Before our “second chance,” I went through a very serious and traumatic situation with another person, Guy B, who I married in 2021. He was on probation and already facing charges before me, and that relationship turned into domestic violence. I divorced him in 2023. Guy A knew about all of this. Even though I don’t have charges on me, the whole situation with Guy B and that marriage completely destroyed my life at the time and deeply damaged my relationship with Guy A. It took a long time for us to forgive each other and try to love each other again. There are a lot of insecurities in our relationship because of that period, and I still carry intense regret and shame for putting myself in that situation. I feel like some people will always hate me for it, and I struggle to forgive myself.

The relationship between me and Guy A has also had a long pattern where I’m the one carrying most of the responsibility. I describe it as feeling like “the man of the house.” I’m the one who plans, sacrifices, problem‑solves, and feels all the guilt when things go wrong. He often tells me I don’t understand his point of view, or that my reactions are “walls” or me being guarded. I have a dissociative system and he says he loves all of us, but when we argue, the blame usually lands on me and my “walls” instead of on the dynamic itself.

Before going back with Guy A after the divorce, I had one genuinely stable and loving relationship with an ex Guy C. He really did love me and was emotionally consistent and safe. At the same time, I was the one working full-time and paying the bills, and he wasn’t very helpful at home — he didn’t know how to cook or do basic chores without me telling him exactly what to do, which was frustrating because I felt like I had to carry everything. I ended up leaving him for Guy A, and I’ve carried a lot of guilt and shame about that, because it feels like I walked away from the one mostly healthy relationship I had. Regardless of the situation, my family didn’t like Guy C all that, and it was a strain with my family, so experience feeds into my current beliefs that I don’t deserve safe love, that I’ll ruin the good things I’m given, and it makes it harder for me to trust myself when I try to choose partners or set boundaries now.

Right now, the main conflict is that we don’t see a way to be together in person that feels fair or safe. I live in Puerto Rico with my dad and my dog. My safety, support system, car, and work are here. Going back to Florida would mean being back in the environment where so much of my trauma happened, being near people who hate me, and giving up the stability I’ve rebuilt. For me, that feels like blowing up my life and putting myself back in danger.

From his side, if he moved to Puerto Rico, he’d be in a place where he doesn’t speak the language, has no family, and no support system. On top of that, neither of us has the money, credit, or stable housing lined up to just “get a place together” in either location. We’re both already stretched financially, so it’s not as simple as “whoever moves just rents an apartment” – right now that isn’t realistically possible for us.

So the only “big” options either of us can see are: I sacrifice everything and move there, or he sacrifices everything and moves here, without a real financial or logistical plan under it. There is no clear middle option on the table yet that feels safe, fair, and doable for both of us.

Emotionally, we’re stuck in a loop. Guy A often texts/calls wanting to talk about how lonely and hurt he is, how much he misses and loves me, and how he doesn’t know what to do. He asks “what are we going to do now? what’s the plan?” almost every day. I feel pressured to give him an answer or a plan, but I honestly don’t see one that doesn’t destroy one of us. When I try to say “there is no good plan right now,” he still comes back to how much he’s hurting and how he feels I’m not present enough, that I’m busy or distant. Then he apologizes and says he understands I was busy, which makes me feel guilty all over again.

I keep minimizing my own pain and focusing on his, but I’m exhausted. I feel like the only way this relationship can be “saved” is if one person proves they love more by sacrificing everything, and that person is expected to be me. At the same time, I still care about Guy A deeply, and I do want help seeing if there’s any way to make this more equal and less painful instead of repeating the same cycles.

We’re also open to working on the relationship as it is now, long‑distance, instead of focusing only on moving. We would like recommendations on how to make a long‑distance relationship healthier and more stable.

I’m at a lost.. I don’t know what to do. Please help

I’ve been in a relationship with Guy A for about five years total, with a breakup in the middle and then a “second chance” phase. We’re technically broken up, but we’re still very emotionally connected, texting and calling a lot, and neither of us really knows what to call it right now.

Our history is very intense and complicated. Before our “second chance,” I went through a very serious and traumatic situation with another person, Guy B, who I married in 2021. He was on probation and already facing charges before me, and that relationship turned into domestic violence. I divorced him in 2023. Guy A knew about all of this. Even though I don’t have charges on me, the whole situation with Guy B and that marriage completely destroyed my life at the time and deeply damaged my relationship with Guy A. It took a long time for us to forgive each other and try to love each other again. There are a lot of insecurities in our relationship because of that period, and I still carry intense regret and shame for putting myself in that situation. I feel like some people will always hate me for it, and I struggle to forgive myself.

The relationship between me and Guy A has also had a long pattern where I’m the one carrying most of the responsibility. I describe it as feeling like “the man of the house.” I’m the one who plans, sacrifices, problem‑solves, and feels all the guilt when things go wrong. He often tells me I don’t understand his point of view, or that my reactions are “walls” or me being guarded. I have a dissociative system and he says he loves all of us, but when we argue, the blame usually lands on me and my “walls” instead of on the dynamic itself.

Before going back with Guy A after the divorce, I had one genuinely stable and loving relationship with an ex Guy C. He really did love me and was emotionally consistent and safe. At the same time, I was the one working full-time and paying the bills, and he wasn’t very helpful at home — he didn’t know how to cook or do basic chores without me telling him exactly what to do, which was frustrating because I felt like I had to carry everything. I ended up leaving him for Guy A, and I’ve carried a lot of guilt and shame about that, because it feels like I walked away from the one mostly healthy relationship I had. Regardless of the situation, my family didn’t like Guy C all that, and it was a strain with my family, so experience feeds into my current beliefs that I don’t deserve safe love, that I’ll ruin the good things I’m given, and it makes it harder for me to trust myself when I try to choose partners or set boundaries now.

Right now, the main conflict is that we don’t see a way to be together in person that feels fair or safe. I live in Puerto Rico with my dad and my dog. My safety, support system, car, and work are here. Going back to Florida would mean being back in the environment where so much of my trauma happened, being near people who hate me, and giving up the stability I’ve rebuilt. For me, that feels like blowing up my life and putting myself back in danger.

From his side, if he moved to Puerto Rico, he’d be in a place where he doesn’t speak the language, has no family, and no support system. On top of that, neither of us has the money, credit, or stable housing lined up to just “get a place together” in either location. We’re both already stretched financially, so it’s not as simple as “whoever moves just rents an apartment” – right now that isn’t realistically possible for us.

So the only “big” options either of us can see are: I sacrifice everything and move there, or he sacrifices everything and moves here, without a real financial or logistical plan under it. There is no clear middle option on the table yet that feels safe, fair, and doable for both of us.

Emotionally, we’re stuck in a loop. Guy A often texts/calls wanting to talk about how lonely and hurt he is, how much he misses and loves me, and how he doesn’t know what to do. He asks “what are we going to do now? what’s the plan?” almost every day. I feel pressured to give him an answer or a plan, but I honestly don’t see one that doesn’t destroy one of us. When I try to say “there is no good plan right now,” he still comes back to how much he’s hurting and how he feels I’m not present enough, that I’m busy or distant. Then he apologizes and says he understands I was busy, which makes me feel guilty all over again.

I keep minimizing my own pain and focusing on his, but I’m exhausted. I feel like the only way this relationship can be “saved” is if one person proves they love more by sacrificing everything, and that person is expected to be me. At the same time, I still care about Guy A deeply, and I do want help seeing if there’s any way to make this more equal and less painful instead of repeating the same cycles.

We’re also open to working on the relationship as it is now, long‑distance, instead of focusing only on moving. We would like recommendations on how to make a long‑distance relationship healthier and more stable.

I’m at a lost.. I don’t know what to do. Please help

TL;DR is abbreviation for "Too long, didn't read" Long post

I’ve been in a relationship with Guy A for about five years total, with a breakup in the middle and then a “second chance” phase. We’re technically broken up, but we’re still very emotionally connected, texting and calling a lot, and neither of us really knows what to call it right now.

Our history is very intense and complicated. Before our “second chance,” I went through a very serious and traumatic situation with another person, Guy B, who I married in 2021. He was on probation and already facing charges before me, and that relationship turned into domestic violence. I divorced him in 2023. Guy A knew about all of this. Even though I don’t have charges on me, the whole situation with Guy B and that marriage completely destroyed my life at the time and deeply damaged my relationship with Guy A. It took a long time for us to forgive each other and try to love each other again. There are a lot of insecurities in our relationship because of that period, and I still carry intense regret and shame for putting myself in that situation. I feel like some people will always hate me for it, and I struggle to forgive myself.

The relationship between me and Guy A has also had a long pattern where I’m the one carrying most of the responsibility. I describe it as feeling like “the man of the house.” I’m the one who plans, sacrifices, problem‑solves, and feels all the guilt when things go wrong. He often tells me I don’t understand his point of view, or that my reactions are “walls” or me being guarded. I have a dissociative system and he says he loves all of us, but when we argue, the blame usually lands on me and my “walls” instead of on the dynamic itself.

Before going back with Guy A after the divorce, I had one genuinely stable and loving relationship with an ex Guy C. He really did love me and was emotionally consistent and safe. At the same time, I was the one working full-time and paying the bills, and he wasn’t very helpful at home — he didn’t know how to cook or do basic chores without me telling him exactly what to do, which was frustrating because I felt like I had to carry everything. I ended up leaving him for Guy A, and I’ve carried a lot of guilt and shame about that, because it feels like I walked away from the one mostly healthy relationship I had. Regardless of the situation, my family didn’t like Guy C all that, and it was a strain with my family, so experience feeds into my current beliefs that I don’t deserve safe love, that I’ll ruin the good things I’m given, and it makes it harder for me to trust myself when I try to choose partners or set boundaries now.

Right now, the main conflict is that we don’t see a way to be together in person that feels fair or safe. I live in Puerto Rico with my dad and my dog. My safety, support system, car, and work are here. Going back to Florida would mean being back in the environment where so much of my trauma happened, being near people who hate me, and giving up the stability I’ve rebuilt. For me, that feels like blowing up my life and putting myself back in danger.

From his side, if he moved to Puerto Rico, he’d be in a place where he doesn’t speak the language, has no family, and no support system. On top of that, neither of us has the money, credit, or stable housing lined up to just “get a place together” in either location. We’re both already stretched financially, so it’s not as simple as “whoever moves just rents an apartment” – right now that isn’t realistically possible for us.

So the only “big” options either of us can see are: I sacrifice everything and move there, or he sacrifices everything and moves here, without a real financial or logistical plan under it. There is no clear middle option on the table yet that feels safe, fair, and doable for both of us.

Emotionally, we’re stuck in a loop. Guy A often texts/calls wanting to talk about how lonely and hurt he is, how much he misses and loves me, and how he doesn’t know what to do. He asks “what are we going to do now? what’s the plan?” almost every day. I feel pressured to give him an answer or a plan, but I honestly don’t see one that doesn’t destroy one of us. When I try to say “there is no good plan right now,” he still comes back to how much he’s hurting and how he feels I’m not present enough, that I’m busy or distant. Then he apologizes and says he understands I was busy, which makes me feel guilty all over again.

I keep minimizing my own pain and focusing on his, but I’m exhausted. I feel like the only way this relationship can be “saved” is if one person proves they love more by sacrificing everything, and that person is expected to be me. At the same time, I still care about Guy A deeply, and I do want help seeing if there’s any way to make this more equal and less painful instead of repeating the same cycles.

We’re also open to working on the relationship as it is now, long‑distance, instead of focusing only on moving. We would like recommendations on how to make a long‑distance relationship healthier and more stable.

I’m at a lost.. I don’t know what to do. Please help

I’ve been in a relationship with Guy A for about five years total, with a breakup in the middle and then a “second chance” phase. We’re technically broken up, but we’re still very emotionally connected, texting and calling a lot, and neither of us really knows what to call it right now.

Our history is very intense and complicated. Before our “second chance,” I went through a very serious and traumatic situation with another person, Guy B, who I married in 2021. He was on probation and already facing charges before me, and that relationship turned into domestic violence. I divorced him in 2023. Guy A knew about all of this. Even though I don’t have charges on me, the whole situation with Guy B and that marriage completely destroyed my life at the time and deeply damaged my relationship with Guy A. It took a long time for us to forgive each other and try to love each other again. There are a lot of insecurities in our relationship because of that period, and I still carry intense regret and shame for putting myself in that situation. I feel like some people will always hate me for it, and I struggle to forgive myself.

The relationship between me and Guy A has also had a long pattern where I’m the one carrying most of the responsibility. I describe it as feeling like “the man of the house.” I’m the one who plans, sacrifices, problem‑solves, and feels all the guilt when things go wrong. He often tells me I don’t understand his point of view, or that my reactions are “walls” or me being guarded. I have a dissociative system and he says he loves all of us, but when we argue, the blame usually lands on me and my “walls” instead of on the dynamic itself.

Before going back with Guy A after the divorce, I had one genuinely stable and loving relationship with an ex Guy C. He really did love me and was emotionally consistent and safe. At the same time, I was the one working full-time and paying the bills, and he wasn’t very helpful at home — he didn’t know how to cook or do basic chores without me telling him exactly what to do, which was frustrating because I felt like I had to carry everything. I ended up leaving him for Guy A, and I’ve carried a lot of guilt and shame about that, because it feels like I walked away from the one mostly healthy relationship I had. Regardless of the situation, my family didn’t like Guy C all that, and it was a strain with my family, so experience feeds into my current beliefs that I don’t deserve safe love, that I’ll ruin the good things I’m given, and it makes it harder for me to trust myself when I try to choose partners or set boundaries now.

Right now, the main conflict is that we don’t see a way to be together in person that feels fair or safe. I live in Puerto Rico with my dad and my dog. My safety, support system, car, and work are here. Going back to Florida would mean being back in the environment where so much of my trauma happened, being near people who hate me, and giving up the stability I’ve rebuilt. For me, that feels like blowing up my life and putting myself back in danger.

From his side, if he moved to Puerto Rico, he’d be in a place where he doesn’t speak the language, has no family, and no support system. On top of that, neither of us has the money, credit, or stable housing lined up to just “get a place together” in either location. We’re both already stretched financially, so it’s not as simple as “whoever moves just rents an apartment” – right now that isn’t realistically possible for us.

So the only “big” options either of us can see are: I sacrifice everything and move there, or he sacrifices everything and moves here, without a real financial or logistical plan under it. There is no clear middle option on the table yet that feels safe, fair, and doable for both of us.

Emotionally, we’re stuck in a loop. Guy A often texts/calls wanting to talk about how lonely and hurt he is, how much he misses and loves me, and how he doesn’t know what to do. He asks “what are we going to do now? what’s the plan?” almost every day. I feel pressured to give him an answer or a plan, but I honestly don’t see one that doesn’t destroy one of us. When I try to say “there is no good plan right now,” he still comes back to how much he’s hurting and how he feels I’m not present enough, that I’m busy or distant. Then he apologizes and says he understands I was busy, which makes me feel guilty all over again.

I keep minimizing my own pain and focusing on his, but I’m exhausted. I feel like the only way this relationship can be “saved” is if one person proves they love more by sacrificing everything, and that person is expected to be me. At the same time, I still care about Guy A deeply, and I do want help seeing if there’s any way to make this more equal and less painful instead of repeating the same cycles.

We’re also open to working on the relationship as it is now, long‑distance, instead of focusing only on moving. We would like recommendations on how to make a long‑distance relationship healthier and more stable.

I’m at a lost.. I don’t know what to do. Please help

I’ve been in a relationship with Guy A for about five years total, with a breakup in the middle and then a “second chance” phase. We’re technically broken up, but we’re still very emotionally connected, texting and calling a lot, and neither of us really knows what to call it right now.

Our history is very intense and complicated. Before our “second chance,” I went through a very serious and traumatic situation with another person, Guy B, who I married in 2021. He was on probation and already facing charges before me, and that relationship turned into domestic violence. I divorced him in 2023. Guy A knew about all of this. Even though I don’t have charges on me, the whole situation with Guy B and that marriage completely destroyed my life at the time and deeply damaged my relationship with Guy A. It took a long time for us to forgive each other and try to love each other again. There are a lot of insecurities in our relationship because of that period, and I still carry intense regret and shame for putting myself in that situation. I feel like some people will always hate me for it, and I struggle to forgive myself.

The relationship between me and Guy A has also had a long pattern where I’m the one carrying most of the responsibility. I describe it as feeling like “the man of the house.” I’m the one who plans, sacrifices, problem‑solves, and feels all the guilt when things go wrong. He often tells me I don’t understand his point of view, or that my reactions are “walls” or me being guarded. I have a dissociative system and he says he loves all of us, but when we argue, the blame usually lands on me and my “walls” instead of on the dynamic itself.

Before going back with Guy A after the divorce, I had one genuinely stable and loving relationship with an ex Guy C. He really did love me and was emotionally consistent and safe. At the same time, I was the one working full-time and paying the bills, and he wasn’t very helpful at home — he didn’t know how to cook or do basic chores without me telling him exactly what to do, which was frustrating because I felt like I had to carry everything. I ended up leaving him for Guy A, and I’ve carried a lot of guilt and shame about that, because it feels like I walked away from the one mostly healthy relationship I had. Regardless of the situation, my family didn’t like Guy C all that, and it was a strain with my family, so experience feeds into my current beliefs that I don’t deserve safe love, that I’ll ruin the good things I’m given, and it makes it harder for me to trust myself when I try to choose partners or set boundaries now.

Right now, the main conflict is that we don’t see a way to be together in person that feels fair or safe. I live in Puerto Rico with my dad and my dog. My safety, support system, car, and work are here. Going back to Florida would mean being back in the environment where so much of my trauma happened, being near people who hate me, and giving up the stability I’ve rebuilt. For me, that feels like blowing up my life and putting myself back in danger.

From his side, if he moved to Puerto Rico, he’d be in a place where he doesn’t speak the language, has no family, and no support system. On top of that, neither of us has the money, credit, or stable housing lined up to just “get a place together” in either location. We’re both already stretched financially, so it’s not as simple as “whoever moves just rents an apartment” – right now that isn’t realistically possible for us.

So the only “big” options either of us can see are: I sacrifice everything and move there, or he sacrifices everything and moves here, without a real financial or logistical plan under it. There is no clear middle option on the table yet that feels safe, fair, and doable for both of us.

Emotionally, we’re stuck in a loop. Guy A often texts/calls wanting to talk about how lonely and hurt he is, how much he misses and loves me, and how he doesn’t know what to do. He asks “what are we going to do now? what’s the plan?” almost every day. I feel pressured to give him an answer or a plan, but I honestly don’t see one that doesn’t destroy one of us. When I try to say “there is no good plan right now,” he still comes back to how much he’s hurting and how he feels I’m not present enough, that I’m busy or distant. Then he apologizes and says he understands I was busy, which makes me feel guilty all over again.

I keep minimizing my own pain and focusing on his, but I’m exhausted. I feel like the only way this relationship can be “saved” is if one person proves they love more by sacrificing everything, and that person is expected to be me. At the same time, I still care about Guy A deeply, and I do want help seeing if there’s any way to make this more equal and less painful instead of repeating the same cycles.

We’re also open to working on the relationship as it is now, long‑distance, instead of focusing only on moving. We would like recommendations on how to make a long‑distance relationship healthier and more stable.

I’m at a lost.. I don’t know what to do. Please help