u/Evening_Drawer_2215

How are we supposed to find love? Like, IDK, i feel so lost. The fake schooling was completed, I'm in my 20s, out and just alien and confused. I can barely make friends, dont know how a romantic partner is supposed to stumble my way. I thought I'd fit in better with alt people cuz i figured they have a propensity to find strangeness appealing but I realize that even most alternative folk have had normal lives, despite their stranger aesthetic. (I mean, I am alternative myself, I just feel really, really on the outside)

God, all these people out and about with their friends, normal lives, smiling and laughing. I probably sound really bitter, with my jealousy of their happiness, but, holy shit I really dont like the crowds. I dont like how reminded I am of my different upbringing, with all these people out on summer break while I can't live a normal life like they do. And i fucking hate that heat.

I just can't relate to anyone, and it really hurts and sucks.

I smacked his hands away and ignored him for a year, only for him to grope me again when I had to compartmentalize and work with him. I had to play it off because it felt like nowhere else to go. Now he's saying "he'd like to talk to me," and he wants to figure out why I'm upset with him. I'm sure it's a little confusing, considering that I had to befriend him, in order to escape another highly isolated and abusive situation. I started avoiding him last year, once again, due to sexual trauma involving a friend and the new group she was with, my molester staying in the upstairs of the house i rent, and me not being able to cope. He should be able to put the dots together.

When I confided in him about feeling creepy, after giving my friend a gift, he literally had the nerve to tell me, "I know how that feels" MFer, you literally groped me multiple times, spanked me, and flew a drone up to my window you molesting fucking freak. this man first groped me when I was 15 and he's like 13 years older than me.

23 years old. No friends. No romantic partner. Feel like I am going to die this way. Every year, it gets worse and worse. Can't get the past out of my head. Can't stop feeling alien. I don't even know if I'll make it to the end of the year.

Sometimes the PTSD is so consuming. Constantly thinking back. Constantly hurting. This shit physically crippled me. These people gave me a terrible life and expect me to not complain or say anything negative. The only sexual contact I have ever had with a woman was when I was raped, and i was 3-6 when the abuse happened. It really sickens me how those are the only sexual memories i have.

My family fucked me up. My dad and mom alienated me and homeschooled me, then act surprised when I behave alien and different, and when I talk about it, they tell me that 'it wasn't that bad' or they had it worse, as if they know what it's like to be trapped inside a house for most of your life around people you're scared of. To have to hold in the urge to piss whenever in public or other intense bathroom issues.

The worst part is, part of me DOES think they know how bad I had it but refuse to validate me to my face. Pieces of shit.

I can barely cope with this. Sometimes it can be so traumatic, just to watch a video of a cat being cute or to see a cat out and about and remember what happened. What this man did to our poor kitties. What this man normalized, when I was a small child. This man also joked about his father punting a cat. He is such a disgusting person. I can't own pets now, because the trauma is too much.

Compliments don't even give me that buzz I think they're supposed to give. Every time someone tries to engage with me it feels like an inconvenience. I get annoyed by conversations fast (though I try not to show it) and wonder why the person's even engaging with me in the first place. I realize, the thing i crave, being social, not feeling alien anymore, has been sabotaged. I don't feel happy. Even when I 'win' I just get stressed and hurt. I'm pretty much done.

Thinking sometime in the upcoming days I am going to end my own life. Every day I go out. I go around. I hang out at my local cafe. I interact with people who think they know me. I feel nothing but alien. How could they comprehend what happened to me? How could they see behind my smile, my silence, my thousand-yard stares.

As far as I can tell, when I see other people, I see another species. I have no friends, no romantic prospects, and I can't keep living in a world I'm not meant to be inside. This is untenable. All this is doing is creating more suffering for myself, while others get rewarded by my generosity. I feel like a creep. I feel disgusting, all the time. I just need to go.

It's really getting close now. I feel it. My death could be within the week. So sick of this shit. I was sexually abused my multiple of my relatives. My aunt. All of my brothers. My aunt fucking raped me. The brother I have to see near-daily molested me multiple times. Nobody knows any of this but the people who did it. The people who allowed it.

I just can't put up with this anymore. I walk down the sidewalk and everyone I see looks so alien. I remember when I was younger, and I'd see attractive people and I'd think, "Oh, it would be nice if I could get to know them."
Now they all just look like people I wouldn't care to know, even if I did. They look so different now. Most people look like they have alien thoughts. Alien ideas. I am not like these people. I am not like anyone. I am not special either. I am insignificant, to the point of nothingness.