u/ExaminationNo6668

I started watching him really young, like as early as 11-12. Every year or two I have an eventual ritual of returning back to archives of his streams and nostalgizing.

I didn't get to see many livestreams from him while he was alive because I'm from a very different timezone. But everytime I do, I just remember wanting to grow up and be similar to him, not necessarily a streamer but like, I remember even through a screen, a man I've never met, something about him just radiated life and positive energy, the most charismatic streamer I've ever come across, and his streams would give me so much comfort, as they still do sometimes when I watch archives.

I really cannot explain but I still struggle to find this feeling from other streamers, but I might be biased because of my nostalgia.

I just cant help but remember I wanted to be this guy for someone else I like, like give my friends this joy and companionship.

Anyway, this probably sounded weird, just wanted to throw this out there. RIP Etika.

I've recently noticed that listening to music on my private time tends to usually create negative or stressful thoughts, more specifically it makes me feel like I'm living my life wrongly.

I am regularly able to cope with life or ignore my thoughts, but whenever I feel like I could listen to some music, these overwhelming emotions start to bother me, it feels like I've been bottling them up and the music only reminds me of them.

It doesn't have to be a music specifically about the topic that bothers me, it just has to be an emotional song and it makes me spiral in my mind about random things.

I am generally not in the best mental state myself, so I'm confused onto whether these emotions are impulsive or unhealthy temptations themselves or if I'm being escapist and the music only reminds me of my escapism and bad habits.

I've recently noticed that listening to music on my private time tends to usually create negative or stressful thoughts, more specifically it makes me feel like I'm living my life wrongly.

I am regularly able to cope with life or ignore my thoughts, but whenever I feel like I could listen to some music, these overwhelming emotions start to bother me, it feels like I've been bottling them up and the music only reminds me of them.

It doesn't have to be a music specifically about the topic that bothers me, it just has to be an emotional song and it makes me spiral in my mind about random things.

I am generally not in the best mental state myself, so I'm confused onto whether these emotions are impulsive or unhealthy temptations themselves or if I'm being escapist and the music only reminds me of my escapism and bad habits.

Stoicism has left a huge impact on me, I used to be extremely obsessed with Stoicism in my private time for it was a philosophy which I tended to find beauty in and inspired my thinking with.

My studies and deliberate practice of Stoic doctrine inspired my character to make positive decisions for my life and increased my mental clarity and productivity. Or atleast up until some point that is.

Although the impact Stoicism had to me I'd say was immensely positive, there were some bad habits I took from it, and through burnout and some later struggles and misfortunes, I ended up finding dislike in some principles of the philosophy and ending up abandoning it entirely.

The deal is that I recognize that my entire surrender of the philosophy has not been merely because of some form of a philosophical conclusion, but rather a mental health decline, or even breakdown that has left me spiraling since. I feel like I have changed as a person completely.

Lately I've been wondering how I used to find such a philosophy so relevant to my character yet now seemingly unimpactful to me.

I feel within me a yearning to try to give it a second chance, but something just doesn't tick within me anymore, I just can not take it seriously, let alone I tend to interpret the philosophy in an unorthodox way for my view of life is slightly different.

For the past 2 years I've had no great contact or motivation towards Stoic philosophy, infact I can barely even recall any of the theory or much of the stuff I've read before. I remember some of the core concepts but they no longer feel like they resonate with me.

I've been facing some personal life struggles for the past 2 years, although I've managed to cope for most of the time, fundamentally I've been slowly giving up on life and descending into an unhealthy mindset.

My life, habits and mental health have been in decline ever some series of events which caused me to give up on Stoicism and return to a escapist/hedonistic lifestyle.

I know this post might not belong in this subreddit, a psychotherapy field would be more suitable, but I still felt compelled to write about this, sorry for my bad English.