u/Extreme_Quit8387

1. Ive learned that during our few months together, the Phantom Ex is a real thing.

They do express regret in spurs of the moment while with the current partner e.g. “my ex must have felt bad when she did this for me”. They will always compare you to their Phantom ex, who they still admire from a distance and never severe ties completely with.

2. The talk of the future scares them

“I’m comfortable and happy with what we have now” this translate to them not wanting to deal with serious commitment, especially when the first fight already happened. They are in the phase of nitpicking every flaw they can find in you to convince themselves that they “see no future with you”.

3. It is easier to start something new with someone new than to repair what they have broken

Usually after their first deactivation when the feeling of shame sets in and you’re no longer the perfect partner in their eyes, it is only a matter of time that they will leave. It can be a serious talk about moving in together, or any discussion where they do not get their way. It’s easier for them to just break up over text and monkey branch to the next person.

4. It can sometimes take years or never for them to realise or have self awareness

While they may be aware that they are emotionally unavailable and have no capacity to give you what you want, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are willing to put the effort to look inward and do inner work. Often times, we find ourselves trying to “rescue” them by being the knight in shining armour but to no avail. This is something that they have to spend a long time to work on.

5. The severely avoidant ones will not hesitate to throw you under the bus to protect themselves.

You might have heard them telling you, “I just want peace” this peace means their self preservation. They would do anything to protect themselves. They do have an inner voice to tell them to “run, what are you doing! Protect yourself” because this is how they have dealt with conflict in childhood. My DA would run away from home many times to hide from abuse, conflict and they ultimately feel that they themselves are the most reliable person. They carry this pattern into adulthood.

6. Sweet nothings mean nothing because they crave approval and validation

The words that trigger them the most are not the over explanation, telling them your sacrifices or the sweet words… it’s the validation and approval they desperately sought as a broken child. If you ever told them anything along the lines of, “you don’t deserve to be loved”, “you are so difficult to love”, it really affects them because that’s what they believe and not want to believe at the same time.

7. Stonewalling and deactivation

This stage is painful and messes with our psychological needs as their partners. It can be a phone call where they just go radio silent or in person where your question is met with absolute dismissal. You feel like you’re talking to a wall. You need answers, you want discussion, but they are already shut off and if you push, they will walk away and sometimes this silence could be forever.

8. Lack of accountability

You write paragraphs and essays, but they leave you on read. Sometimes they still orbit your social media and blog. You wonder if they miss the connection or they are just looking for something to convince themselves that discarding you was the right choice. You’ll never know…

“I can’t give you what you want”- you’re not asking for too much

“I want my peace” - you shouldn’t ask anything from them

“I like what how you make me feel, but I don’t like you as a person” - they only take but never gives

All too familiar, isn’t it?
You will never hear healthy communication from them about needing space. There is no “I need time and space to think about this, I will reach out tomorrow”. It’s always walls up and retreat and you are left to wonder what you could have done better…

Feel free to share what you’ve learned about the DA and if any of these resonates with you.

Hi, I am the kind who falls asleep immediately when I close my eyes.

I tried writing it down and reading them, but it’s very hard for me to feel actual happiness because of a lot of bad things happening in a short time. I can’t even cry anymore if I wanted.

Recently, i’ve been trying to manifest my ex to reach out. As we had a toxic relationship due to him being a dismissive avoidant, me being loving and kind in that relationship never triggered any positive or response in him.

Similarly, post break up, I noticed (i have traffic and time stats) that he’s only orbiting on my blog during the time when I felt hopeless and even during short bursts of anger thinking about the discard break up.

Has anyone experienced something like this before? How do I get him to contact and not orbit? Thanks!

I was blindsided and betrayed by my ex bf it is so hard to get over

My now ex bf, rented a room in an apartment where the landlord doesn’t reside. She installed a CCTV to monitor visitors. In the TA it only stipulates visitors overnight stay fees, nothing about visiting hours and duration. We paid two few nights initially & asked the landlord (through the agent) what is the latest time to leave the premises, she said 10. We abide by it despite it not being in the contract.

The LL then got mad i was leaving at 9:59 or 10 on the dot as she felt “challenged”. She also said I wasn’t allowed to use the toilet & shower (i didn’t)and made an issue with me walking stealthily, i did so to not disturb the other occupants?

My ex bf was mad that the LL was enforcing rules outside the contract, threatening him with legal action & calling me an unauthorized occupier. He argued with the agent and told me to go plan for his move out, which I began doing so. And upon reviewing his contract, i found out that there was no early termination nor diplomatic clause to protect him. He has to give two months notice, forfeit his deposit & pay the agent commission for the rest of the contract pro rata. I even offered to pay for him despite him being very rich himself but frugal. He said he was going to challenge the contract and report the agent for unprofessional conduct for threats. As his partner, i feel he should get out of that situation even if it means to losing the deposit and going to small claims after.

A few days later when I brought up this discussion, he completely stonewalled me. He eventually revealed that he isn’t moving out & doesn’t want to lose his deposit. He then walked off mid convo & vanished the entire night and the next day with no contact.

I was hurt and anxious so I’ve sent him quite a lot of texts the next day because the silent treatment was killing me. I was going to move out with him as my situation at home wasn’t ideal. He flipped it around and accused me of using him to move out to benefit from it.

When we met yesterday, he told me he’s made his decision and showed me the conversation between him, the agent & the LL. He said to them, “my gf has been putting pressure on me to move out even though i don’t want to so im in the process of breaking up with her so don’t worry about her visiting anymore.”

The LL rejoiced, said, “good for you, she’s entitled, manipulative and controlling. Your previous gf was better.” He took the words out of her mouth, calling me manipulative and controlling as well as “my ex gf is better than u”. She even invited him reach out to her anytime and she has a big family. He jumped to the other side and made me the villain?! He sought solace in the person who refused to negotiate his mutual release and even threatened him.

This betrayal feels deep. Our break up is private but he chose to air this to his agent & LL, to make himself as the good person. Also, allowing the LL to insult me this way is just horrendous. I asked why would he do that me, he replied, “you said demeaning things to me this morning, so why can’t i?” I don’t think ive insulted him in any ways except to over explain, beg and trying to show him how his behaviour is breaking us up.

I said how i felt, i said how I felt he was stonewalling for walking away multiple times and creating anxiety for me. The things he’s done in the few months we were together:

\- He has stonewalled me on phone calls, made me go, “hello, hello?” for a few minutes and hung up

\- Told me how he wasn’t attracted to me

\- Told me he never saw a future with me

\- Told me how i only looked good when i’m crying and stressing out.

\- Continued eating and laughing when I was crying

\- Lied to me that he was a broke graduate student so I would go 50:50 or even covered expensive things for him (i later found out he has inheritance money)

\- immediately reached out to his ex under the disguise to complain about me when we broke up the first time

We have been broken up for two weeks now, no accountability, no apologies… i dont want to find excuse for him being an avoidant but why does this betrayal feel so hard to get over?

I’m just still in shock over how he would throw me under the bus to preserve his own image. I get it if he didnt like me as much or didnt see a future with me(as said by him) or if he didnt want to rush into moving in with me. But is this normal behaviour from a man?

My now ex bf, rented a room in an apartment where the landlord doesn’t reside. She installed a CCTV to monitor visitors. In the TA it only stipulates visitors overnight stay fees, nothing about visiting hours and duration. We paid two few nights initially & asked the landlord (through the agent) what is the latest time to leave the premises, she said 10. We abide by it despite it not being in the contract.

The LL then got mad i was leaving at 9:59 or 10 on the dot as she felt “challenged”. She also said I wasn’t allowed to use the toilet & shower (i didn’t)and made an issue with me walking stealthily, i did so to not disturb the other occupants?

My ex bf was mad that the LL was enforcing rules outside the contract, threatening him with legal action & calling me an unauthorized occupier. He argued with the agent and told me to go plan for his move out, which I began doing so. And upon reviewing his contract, i found out that there was no early termination nor diplomatic clause to protect him. He has to give two months notice, forfeit his deposit & pay the agent commission for the rest of the contract pro rata. I even offered to pay for him despite him being very rich himself but frugal. He said he was going to challenge the contract and report the agent for unprofessional conduct for threats. As his partner, i feel he should get out of that situation even if it means to losing the deposit and going to small claims after.

A few days later when I brought up this discussion, he completely stonewalled me. He eventually revealed that he isn’t moving out & doesn’t want to lose his deposit. He then walked off mid convo & vanished the entire night and the next day with no contact.

I was hurt and anxious so I’ve sent him quite a lot of texts the next day because the silent treatment was killing me. I was going to move out with him as my situation at home wasn’t ideal. He flipped it around and accused me of using him to move out to benefit from it.

When we met yesterday, he told me he’s made his decision and showed me the conversation between him, the agent & the LL. He said to them, “my gf has been putting pressure on me to move out even though i don’t want to so im in the process of breaking up with her so don’t worry about her visiting anymore.”

The LL rejoiced, said, “good for you, she’s entitled, manipulative and controlling. Your previous gf was better.” He took the words out of her mouth, calling me manipulative and controlling as well as “my ex gf is better than u”. She even invited him reach out to her anytime and she has a big family. He jumped to the other side and made me the villain?! He sought solace in the person who refused to negotiate his mutual release and even threatened him.

This betrayal feels deep. Our break up is private but he chose to air this to his agent & LL, to make himself as the good person. Also, allowing the LL to insult me this way is just horrendous. I asked why would he do that me, he replied, “you said demeaning things to me this morning, so why can’t i?” I don’t think ive insulted him in any ways except to over explain, beg and trying to show him how his behaviour is breaking us up.

I said how i felt, i said how I felt he was stonewalling for walking away multiple times and creating anxiety for me. The things he’s done in the few months we were together:

- He has stonewalled me on phone calls, made me go, “hello, hello?” for a few minutes and hung up

- Told me how he wasn’t attracted to me

- Told me he never saw a future with me

- Told me how i only looked good when i’m crying and stressing out.

- Continued eating and laughing when I was crying

- Lied to me that he was a broke graduate student so I would go 50:50 or even covered expensive things for him (i later found out he has inheritance money)

- immediately reached out to his ex under the disguise to complain about me when we broke up the first time

We have been broken up for two weeks now, no accountability, no apologies… i dont want to find excuse for him being an avoidant but why does this betrayal feel so hard to get over?

I’m just still in shock over how he would throw me under the bus to preserve his own image.