u/Few_Soil1186

Recently my coparent and i settled in court, a family offense was filed for a “be nice” order which has been violated by his girlfriend now 3 separate times.

My ex is a bit of a mess, after our separation he seemed to spiral a bit. Got into a big legal issue and was arrested. He pretty much abandoned our son for an entire year, rarely seeing him BUT given the circumstances of his life i knew it was probably best our son was distant from him. Our son is now 4, not long after his 3rd birthday his father reappeared wishing to rekindle his relationship with his son. I obliged. I’m not trying to keep my son from his dad at all for no reason. But i believe reasons have risen to the point i can’t keep ignoring them.

My issue is im in NY, my lawyer basically told me that New York family court operates as a reactive court not a preventive court. They’re not going to push an order through on the possibility my son might come into harms way.

My ex has a new girlfriend and their relationship is extremely volatile, my ex was and is a very mean man. Things rarely escalated to physical on my part however there were many instances where i wanted to, he was mentally and emotionally abusive. When i filed the original order that was just recently settled, he only has our son for 4 overnight visits per month. And one hourly midweek visit. However this order was established and set in motion BEFORE this new girlfriend appeared. I brought up some concerns to my lawyer but she stressed that they’re not going to take my son from his dad completely if my son has not been harmed. I just don’t see how they don’t view my son WITNESSING OTHERS being harmed as an issue worth considering revocation of overnight visits. When i filed emergency custody with no overnights because my exes girlfriend threatened to literally kill me, it was denied. I’m not sure if you could understand my reasoning that because she wants to harm me I’m in fear she’d harm my son in some retaliation tactic and given all that my ex has let her get away with up until now… would he protect my son? I don’t know. He’s made his choices, i can’t change them. But they don’t reflect a father that would stand his ground against his girlfriend mistreating his son.

I’ve learned that last month, my ex needed to get 14 stitches in his head because his girlfriend hit him over the head with a glass liquor bottle. She is clearly violent BUT my ex didn’t file charges, and i doubt he’d go on the record and admit she did that. So my worry is i file in court alleging they abuse eachother and it’s not an environment my son should be in overnight (they drink… a lot. They’re alcoholics and I’m sure that has ALOT to do with these fights) and i air all their dirty laundry, make myself look like a petty cunt, and then they retaliate once i lose. My biggest fear is retaliation. And with their history i don’t think it’s irrational to have these concerns. I would still offer him to see our son all day saturday, with more frequent hourly visits after school. I’m not trying to take my son completely because that would break my son’s heart, but i don’t think his dad is capable of having him any more than what i feel is best.

My son has told me he doesn’t like the new girlfriend, that he’s babysat by his aunt atleast one night every weekend he is there. He doesn’t have his own room due to his new step siblings having his room at his dad’s. Last time i sent him they got him late, so he was dressed in pajamas and a pull up (he doesn’t experience nighttime dryness yet) and i got him back the next day because they were giving up their extra night. He was in the SAME PULL UP even though i packed clothes for the day. When i asked my ex said “he just didn’t want me to change him”. He’s just incompetent and choosing a toxic relationship over our sons well being and i want to step in, but i don’t want to open a can of worms and it amount to nothing.

Sorry for the novel. Words of encouragement appreciated. Please think of my 4 year old mostly… because this is HIS life. It sucks so bad

I don’t know if this will make sense to anyone but sometimes more than often i really don’t feel seen by my husband. Or like he really doesn’t listen to me and it hurts.

Every time he buys me a gift or tries to be thoughtful, i appreciate the thought itself but often times i wonder… does this man know me? Understand me? Does he try to? Over the years I’ve stopped making “gift” lists for Christmas and my birthday because we’re married with children, should i really have to? Does he not know my interests? What i would like? Does he not listen when i mention anything?

I don’t need lavish gifts or expensive things. Really i don’t. This has been caused by something so small and stupid, but i can’t let it go. I am a pescatarian, today he got breakfast for us and i didn’t tell him, i just said just get whatever from our usual spot, (because should i really have to tell my husband? If roles were reversed I’d get him a meat lovers breakfast sandwich, a hash brown and a black coffee because i KNOW him. I know what he likes!) he got me a bacon egg and cheese. I was just kind of like hm, okay. Take the bacon off. He goes “why are you taking off the bacon” ?????? Is this not something people establish on like… a first date? Our first date we had a picnic and i made pasta salad with tuna. The convo of me formally being full vegetarian but having to go pescatarian for my blood disorder (don’t ask) came up. I just feel like it’s something he should remember. I literally never eat meat other than fish and it’s on occasion. We buy tofu every week for me! Like ??
He could tell you my favorite color is green. My favorite animal is a horse and my favorite food is sushi. But beyond that? I don’t know.

For Christmas last year, he got me sneakers in the wrong size and some febreeze plug ins. This caused a massive fight where i told him he needs to try harder, and with gifts he does i guess. He’ll buy a candle now instead. But it’s not the point! The point is that for Christmas i bought him new fishing gear because he mentioned ONCE that his gear was broken, new cologne because he was out. New shirts because his were stained. Beard oil because he always complains that his beard is patchy. A new toolbox and tools because he sold his to help with the expenses with first moving into our house. It’s not about what i spent but WHY i got them! I know that he doesn’t like super sweet foods, Taco Bell is the only fast food he’ll eat, NY strip is his favorite kind of steak. I could tell you his size in everything, his preferred fabrics and how i know that. I can finish his sentences, i make the bed how he likes, i do his laundry and put away his clothes how he prefers. I feel like I’ve devoted so much time into understanding him and making him feel seen that it never occurred to him to do the same. I think he believes because i put in so much effort I’m happy with how things are and I’m not. It just drives me nuts and this morning it just really set me off. I don’t try to keep score and i know he’s not the super romantic type, i almost feel ridiculous being so mad about it and he told me I’m taking it too far but.. i don’t know. Just mad and venting

Hi all, i have been no contact with my mom for years now.
Long story short, i was sexually abused by her ex husband. I thought against her knowledge, in my adult years after doing research and reaching out to others who also have gone no contact with my mother… it seems a general understanding to everyone was that she was aware. Now as a mother myself.. i can’t imagine she didn’t think something was going on. Sooo many instances i think back on now as a mother myself where im like okay that was weird.

I began looking into this issue after i had my son but also after a pretty large betrayal while i was still with my son’s father. My mom basically told my sons father that i fabricated the entire story, that i actually had a great childhood and that the only reason we have a rocky relationship is because i only connect with people as long as i can get something out of it and that i don’t really involve her because she can’t do much for me financially. At this point i hadn’t lived with my mom since her divorce from my abuser because rather than focusing on my mental health, or building stability as a single mom she got on dating websites and within a year expected me to move in with her new boyfriend. I just moved out, obviously our relationship faltered out. I saw her a few times a year.

She continued in dysfunctional relationships, my siblings suffered and continue to because even though 2 of my siblings are adults she’s been so neglectful they don’t even have permits to drive.

There’s not much good that outweighs the bad with my mother. So when she told my sons father I’m some pathological liar who actually had a good childhood i was stunned. I’m sure you could imagine my amazement further when i found her gofundme link, asking for 5,000 to help her as a single mom who got nothing in her divorce after her ex sexually abused her daughter. Yes she posted that for the world to know. I’ve never let that be “my story” for my life as a SA victim. I rarely speak of it. Then my disbelief went further after seeing my grown sister walking herself and telling me it’s impossible for her to save for a car because she pays our mother 500$ a month to live there. Despite the fact my mom has never done anything to help my siblings get a license or higher education. So my siblings don’t just live with her by choice but necessity. After chatting with my sister and offering to help her get her license I’ve been blocked by her because “i refuse to talk to our mom” and then a Facebook post was made of me by my moms boyfriend about how I’m an awful sibling who’s gone no contact with the entire family for no reason and i am making my children miss out on their “awesome grandma who loves them so much”

How do you guys handle being the “villain” when really you’re the estranged child who holds the boundaries? How do you handle missing someone who you really shouldn’t miss? Every day something happens i wish i could talk to my mom about, but she’s not the kind of mom i can have a healthy relationship with in any capacity and with Mother’s Day just passing.. and as a mom of 2 myself it’s so heavy today. Idk

I posted recently that my coparents new girlfriend has harassed me since she began dating my sons father. I got a restraining order and took him to court. He fought tooth and nail for joint legal custody at the very least, his weekends and some midweek visits.

We live in the same school district, and now our son is playing sports. I had recently informed him of our son’s spring / summer baseball schedule as he would be responsible for about half of all the expected travel. Either to practice or a game. Simply forwarded the email, highlighted the dates he would have our son. Seems easy enough.

She (his gf) messaged me telling me that it was inappropriate and that don’t need to talk to my coparent about anything at all. I told her that he obviously needed to know when our son has practice. She never responded and mind you.. she broke the restraining order. I violated her in family court (it’s a family court matter because she’s my sons step mother i guess)

His girlfriend is sketchy with his kids, she says inappropriate things and my preschool aged son tells me that he does not like her. He said he doesn’t like her because she doesn’t like me. This bums me out a little because I’ve tried my hardest to NOT engage with her and be cordial but parallel with his dad to AVOID my son feeling like he’s in the middle.

My concern is that i want to watch my son play baseball, but i don’t want her complaining and making a big deal in front of my son because clearly she makes him uncomfortable. I had planned to go to my son’s games even if it’s his dad taking him, just to watch and support. I don’t know if i should inform him of this, but then she’ll say I’m making up excuses to reach out. If i don’t she’ll say I’m just showing up to see him.

I think I’m going to tell him if my attendance is an issue i am willing to take my son to all of his baseball commitments, because i enrolled him, bought all of the gear and paid all of the fees. I won’t penalize him for skipping out on the time and will swap times to make up for him losing his days. Is this a fair offer? And if she continues to create drama over things like my son’s sports should i file in court to have joint legal custody changed? Because it’s my legal obligation to inform him, and she’s asking me not to.