u/Few_Tear_8235

Title. I need a place to release this so that I can properly move on, but I really don't know where. I feel like this is the most appropriate place to do so. So I hope someone hears me out. If you wanna share your thoughts or have similar experiences, I would love to hear them.

Ever since I was young, I often met people that significantly changed my life in times of important events and crises. This change may be in perspective, worldview, lifestyle, or just overall in general. I've met my only two exes and my best friend due to a family legal issue, a massive upgrade in lifestyle, and living in a completely different city as a kid on my own. It has to be drastic for some reason.

Last September, my place burned down. And that really took a toll on everything in me. Even my own parents didn't give me support, and I realized I was really just on my own. So I decided to reach out for companionship on Reddit just to feel less lonely because of my situation. And as it goes with my life, I had another fated encounter.

I often heard that certain people will be sent our way if their essence is what we needed in our life. In this case, I got sent a Libra, whose sign is in my 5H, which is the world's way of saying to start having fun probably as a chronic workaholic.

Prior to my place burning down, I didn't really have any interest in astrology. But this girl I was talking to was, and it kinda piqued my interest. I thought there were only the big three (sun, moon, rising), but turns out there are other planets, house systems, and charts that I didn't know of. At this point, I hyperfixated and learned it as thoroughly as I could. And I felt comforted by the idea that maybe all of my hardships are written in the stars.

My interaction with this girl was nothing I have had in my life before. She became a source of comfort during a hard time in my life. Not calling it a relationship because we never even had a chance to be friends, since she stated she wanted a romantic relationship at the start. I'm the type to befriend people first before thinking if we can be romantic partners. But I learned her, similar to how I would learn someone I'm romantically interested in. I know I liked her as a person two weeks into talking. It was a matter of figuring out whether I can also like her romantically. And by the end of last year, I realized that she was someone I can romantically fall in love with. All of these I've told her. We had a fallout in January due to an awful argument and stopped talking with each other until April, where we had a chance to reconcile and clear up the misunderstandings.

This interaction was an uncomfortable mirror. The mental connection was great, our values matched, and a lot of our interests overlapped. It was, on paper, supposed to be easy. But the way we viewed love, we wanted the same things but are approaching it differently. But I know I've grown during this interaction and realized that emotional vulnerability was not that scary thing I make it out to be, and that I do not have to shrink just to be cared for. This is what propelled me to my current understanding of secure love and spiritual well-being. Massive change in my perspective as an overt giver.

So a lot of our issues stem from the fact that I am sick, and would not like to meet anyone until I'm in serviceable health. I have not met anyone in the span of the year that I have started my treatment, except my close friend who's also my lawyer who helped me during this fire casualty. Meanwhile, this girl wanted to go on dates, that's why she's putting herself out there. This is also the reason why she responded to my post and how we got connected in the first place.

Anyway, this girl was just as confusing. We have 12H synastry unfortunately, and I have a stellium in her Aquarius 12H. She did say she liked me in December but did things that contradicted that. She thought, why could I go on a lot of activities, even travel internationally, except go out on a date with her? But my point here is that I have been doing all these activities all alone because I do not want to be seen with this stupid body of mine I can't even recognize. I know and am confident I could hold space for her in my mind and heart, but my body has to be okay too to be able to hold the weight. All of these we've shared during our fallout and reconciliation back in January and April. She said she wanted to go on dates. I told her to enjoy, even though I can hear my heart breaking every time she told me that. All in all, I know that she was just provoking me. But how could I stop her from doing what she likes? She kept referring to me as someone she liked in the past and called me her friend several times during our reconciliation. I know that she wanted me to contradict all that like before, but I didn't do it this time around.

As much as I wanted this girl in my life, I know my current circumstances. I can't eat properly to go on dates without worrying if I'm going to projectile vomit. Hell, I can't even walk for prolonged periods without getting tired. A small change in my medication dosage whacks my body and hormones out of place. I want to feel normal first, so that I don't feel small when I'm with someone. I just want to feel like myself before everything. All of which I have disclosed to her.

So not once, throughout our entire time talking, did I ask her to stay. Because I do not want her to get stuck with me when I don't even know when I'm going to get better. Isn't it selfish if I make someone wait when I can't even give them what they want? Last year, the doctor said I should be better around this time of the year. But my health markers now are only saying I'm halfway there now. The healing process is excruciatingly slow.

My interaction with this girl has, since then, ended insignificantly.

I can't help but think the life of an 8H person is just full of gripping events that change our lives, with no permanent person or situation to stay in the long run. I wonder if this is how my life will be until the end. I've appended my chart for reference as someone with an 8H Capricorn stellium, and our synastry chart in case you want that too which may help you understand this post.

Honestly? I'm just very, very tired. I just needed to get this off my chest so I can continue, since all aspects of my life has been beating me down at the moment.