u/Fickle_Wrangler_7439

I've dealt with depression all my life. Didn’t get the official diagnosis until my 20s, but I self h*rmed as a teen, SI, the whole deal.

I tried seeing therapists and psychiatrists in my 20s, but I could never afford much, and I never felt like it went anywhere. The meds had weird side effects I didn’t like or didn't work at all, so I stopped.

I read a lot. Philosophy, self-improvement, depression management guides, etc., and figured out some things that worked.

Mostly exercise.

But as I age, well... exercise isn’t as easy as it used to be. I got benched from a lot of my usual routines because of a hip impingement and hamstring tendonosis, and I haven't found a replacement. I'm in physical pain all of the time. I'm doing PT, but he said it probably is just going to hurt from here on out.

And really... a lot of the things that used to keep me going just don’t work anymore. It's like Depression 2: Mid-life Crisis Edition.

And it's impacting... everything. My relationship with my partner. My job. My bank account (which was small to begin with). I called out of work today, despite getting up and doing my morning routine, going for a walk, etc. Like I really *tried*.

Those of you with chronic depression-- has it changed as you age? How have you adjusted?

I have an interest-hopping problem that has led to me not being able to finish things that would improve my life substantially- fitness challenges, vacation planning, job certifications, etc.

And the thing is I am quite active day-to-day. I'm not doom-scrolling my time away or anything like that. I am actively pursuing my interests... at least the ones I'm interested in at the moment.

I have no issue starting something, it's finishing that's the struggle. I feel like my interests and life goals change almost weekly.

In addition to this, my current work schedule is not regular at all. I cannot do the same thing every day or keep to a set schedule. It changes day to day and week to week (I.e. my work schedule is as ADHD as I am).

I also don't have a ton of money. While I know signing up for classes and things would help, I just don't have the funds at the moment.

How do you stick to things and keep away from shiny new things? Especially when you can't maintain a regular schedule?

I like to tinker and craft in my free time, but that costs money and takes up space and I have neither at the moment.

Obviously I could read books or play video games, but I want to do something with my hands.

What do you do what's cheap and doesn’t take up a lot of space, but let's you create or make something?

I have it pretty good, I won't pretend otherwise. I have a job where I actually help people, I can pay my rent, I have friends and 2 cats. I had a sad and lonely childhood (stable though, I wasn't a war orphan or anything), but I got through it and adulthood has been pretty easy.

But I've always felt this deep level of sadness, like nothing matters and I wish I wasn't born. Like none of this is worth the trouble of being alive.

I tried a couple therapists, but thetly said I was functional and they were prioritizing non-functional people (which is fair I guess), or they suggested "finding religion" or something that sounded like bs (I really wonder about therapists' qualifications sometimes). I tried meds but they had weird side effects and the doctor never really seemed to be listening.

I watched The Good Place and Kristen Bell has that line where she explaining how humans deal with mortality and says "humans are always a little sad."

Is that true? Is it just normal to feel this way all the time?

To clarify "older," I'm 40. I tend to see this with the 55+ crowd.

Today, I walked into the break room at work, and it was very obvious one of my coworkers was crying. I asked if she was ok, if she needed anything, etc. and she told me she'd had to put her dog down over the weekend.

And then she said "I'm so embarrassed. Other people are so much better about this. I'm so sorry." And went on in that vein for quite a while. She was genuinely embarrassed for... having feelings? I guess?

I was like "Girl, I would not have even come to work. Please don't be embarrassed for caring about your family."

My dad is also like this. He won't talk about anything because "we'll make fun of him" (We do not). Expressing interest or enthusiasm is forbidden, saying that something is bothering you is not ok. Heaven forfend he needs to ask for help with something. He hid how he met his wife for years, because he was too embarrassed to admit he'd used a dating service.

And when I think about it, I actually know a lot of folks like this. Any perceived deviance, for any reason, is this massive source of shame for them.

"My doctor told me I needed to drink more water and I should carry a water bottle, that's why I have this, it's so embarrassing."

"I really like documentaries. It's really lame, I know. I just..."

I hear this kind of thing a lot. It's ok to have needs and feelings! Why are you all like this? Life is stressful enough without all this manufactured shame.

EDIT: Thanks to folks who shared real answers, I appreciate the perspective.

Fewer thanks to those who made wild assumptions about my life while knowing nothing about me. I'm certainly learning a lot about you.

I'm thinking of going into teaching.

I've never made a huge amount of money, so the degree is a big commitment for me financially. Teachers do get paid pretty well around me though, plus I've been adjacent to it for years.

I see a lot of posts about life sucking "now" because of everything going on in the world, but man, I had a parent die when I was a kid, got bullied, my dad got laid off and we were poor, chronic illness diagnosis before 18...

And that was the 90s. The supposed "best decade" (in the U.S. at least). And way better than being some peasant basically any other time in history anywhere.

I opted to not have kids. I've just never seen the point to any of this "life" business. It's hard and meaningless and then you're dead. Why would I drag someone into that?

I've exercised, volunteered, read philosophy and religion, hobbied, drugs of both the prescription and recreational kind. I have a job in public service that actually helps people...

I just don't get it. I've clearly missed some aspect about why we all bother to do any of this.

Surely there must be others for whom the world generally sucking is not new information?

What changes did you make after 40 that took your life from "this is ok I guess" to genuinely enjoying life and how did you know what to do? Especially if you've already tried a lot of different things.

Looking for some inspiration. I've always drifted through life and while it's ok-- I’m not an addict or out on the streets or anything, it's just kind of meh.

Got diagnosed with dysthymia in my 20s. I'm 40 now and I tried a bunch of different meds and therapy, but at the end of each day, there I still was. Depressed. Felt like a waste of money, so I quit it all.

It's never something that's getting better, but I'm still not going to qualify for disability or anything like that.

I'm... exhausted, frankly. I don’t have any fallbacks, it's just me. I burnout pretty regularly, but I'm getting to old to just quit my job.

And the older I get, the louder the *why bother?* question gets.

What keep you all going?

EDIT damn you all have like... families and careers and things you want and stuff. Maybe I'm lower-functioning than I thought. I have a job that's just a job, no family, a tiny apartment, and no clue what I "want."

Hitting proper middle age does make me realize that some doors really are closing. There's still plenty of life to be lived, but it's not quite the "limitless possibilities" of youth.

I dunno. It all could have been worse for sure, but I'm not particularly satisfied with my life either. Never managed to buy a house, probably renting for life. Career has always been just a job to me, just something that wastes my time. Minimal contact with remaining family. I never wanted kids, still don't, but I never managed to find anything else to do either. Some friends... sorta. Some hobbies I'm just ok at.

I'm independent, but some days I feel like a real loser. I feel like I kinda drifted through life.

I did finally finish all my old SNES games though. I had to use a guide for Jurassic Park. What the hell, man, that game was so nonsensical. I guess that's going on my gravestone, lol. "Here lies [redacted]. They finished all their SNES games."

What do you think? Are you satisfied with how your life turned out?

ETA just because it's come up a couple times, I am a woman. It may surprise you to hear it, but we too can suffer from lonliness and enjoy a good SNES game.

I have a career that actually helps people. I try to talk to people and go out. I have cats. I clean my apartment. I try to eat healthy and work out. I read books whenever I have time.

I have lists and alarms and routines. All the things you're supposed to do when you're depressed.

This has actually been a problem when seeking therapy. They all say "well, you're functional though, what more do you want?"

And like... I don't know? More than this? Why am I tired all the time? Why am I sad all the time? Why do I go to sleep hoping I'll never wake up every night?

"Maybe you should try the opposite? See what happens when you don't have a schedule?"

I'm 40 years old. You think I haven’t tried being an unemployed alcoholic who laid around in bed all day before?

I don't know. What's the point of any of this?