u/First-Ad2755

Hey, 2 days ago I posted about my life and supposed "mid life crisis" but it was too long for everybody to read... So here is a shorter version.

I am 22M , currently working as a senior software engineer in a pseudo product based company with great work life balance but low job security. I am preparing for govt. Jobs as well along with my full time job

I am having confusing thoughts and I want to know if everyone suffered this during their "early" struggle phase and how you guys handled it mentally.

Here are some pointers.

1. I am the only earning person in my house. I gave my parents early retirement for them to enjoy their early 50s as retired life instead of early 60s. This takes away the freedom that I had to switch jobs and play a little "risky" in my career. Which is a little frustrating at the moment.

2. I am earning decent... I am decently good at my job... I am definitely underpaid at the moment... But I can't relocate or get into unstable companies for a higher pay since I have alot of responsibility at the moment.

3. I had a 3.5 year long distance relationship which ended 9 months ago ... It has devastated me... After that, I think I subconsciously closed my heart... Or you can say ... I have raised my standards...which I think is impossible to meet in current generation... (You can check my previous posts to see standards I want)

4. I have leaned towards spirituality, workouts, study, etc to "distract" myself... It is working so far... But I still get thoughts about her and how blind I became in the relationship.

No matter what I achieve in life... I always feel empty... As if all this is for nothing. I have no purpose/ reason left to succeed since all my life was woven around my ex and now I have nothing to look forward to.

I doubled my income in these 9 months, i learnt financial investment and have a 18% CAGR portfolio divided nicely among different assets. I have a decent body now, I look good, I am confident about my fashion, my physical apperance, etc.

I have no addictions, no dopamine heavy activity addiction, etc

Nothing in me seems off... But still ... I don't feel happy... I don't feel happy.

My parents are happy, my peers are jealous, my friends envy me... But nothing matters to me... Why I feel numb?

I try to vent out... But there is nothing to vent about... I don't have any regrets, sorrow or anything.

I thought it was due to my breakup but now, after all this time... I don't think it is her... Or me.. I don't think the breakup was a bad thing... It was important canon event for me... Which helped me grow...

But this emptiness is irritating me.. it's not like I can't live with this... But I don't want it forever. There has to be a way out of this.

I’m 22 years old, and lately I’ve been trying to figure out whether I’m genuinely doing well in life… or whether I’ve just become someone who can never feel satisfied with his own progress.

I wanted honest opinions from Indian men especially (Women are also welcome) here because I think a lot of us silently go through this phase but rarely talk about it openly.

A little background about me.

I started my career pretty early. During my 2nd year of college, I got into development and started working as an intern while managing academics alongside it. Back then, I wasn’t some genius coder or startup prodigy. I was just a middle-class guy trying to become financially independent as early as possible because I didn’t like the feeling of depending on others financially.

Over time, I kept improving my skills in full stack development, worked on real projects, dealt with clients, deadlines, production issues, and slowly gained experience while most people around me were still figuring out placements.

I graduated last year.

In January 2025, I joined a service-based company as a Full Stack Engineer at around 27k/month. That company honestly taught me a lot technically, but mentally it was exhausting. Toxic management, pressure, unrealistic expectations, chaotic work culture, and the constant feeling that employees were replaceable machines. I used to work with anxiety in the background almost every day.

But I stayed patient, kept learning, kept interviewing quietly, and eventually in September 2025 I switched to another company where I currently work as a Senior Software Engineer in a pseudo-product based environment.

Compared to my previous job, this place feels far healthier. Better timings, better respect, more ownership, more learning, and significantly better pay. Recently I even got around a 50% hike, and there’s another contractual hike expected around December if everything goes well.

Financially, things are objectively moving upward for me.

At the same time, I’ve also been preparing seriously for GATE because my long-term goal is to land a PSU job. A lot of people around me don’t understand this decision because in tech everyone keeps chasing startups, FAANG dreams, remote foreign jobs, or insane salary packages.

But after observing life closely, I realized I value stability, peace, meaningful work, and long-term security much more than constantly chasing corporate chaos forever. I also genuinely like the idea of contributing through technical public-sector work. Maybe it sounds old-school, but that’s where my head is.

Alongside this, I’ve also become serious about savings and investing. I regularly invest into SIPs, ETFs, etc., and my current portfolio is sitting around 18% CAGR overall. For someone who comes from a financially careful middle-class background, that feels like a meaningful achievement.

Now comes the part that affected me the most emotionally.

I was in a long-distance relationship for around 3.5 years.

At one point, I genuinely thought this was the person I would eventually marry. We grew together through college years, emotional struggles, career confusion, insecurities, family pressures, everything. She became deeply integrated into my daily life, future planning, emotional stability, and identity itself.

And then last year, the relationship ended.

I won’t villainize her because relationships are rarely that simple. But the breakup completely destabilized me mentally for a while. Not in a dramatic movie way, but in a very silent and exhausting way.

I lost focus.
I overthought constantly.
I questioned my self-worth.
I became emotionally dependent without realizing it.
I kept replaying conversations in my head.
I wanted answers, closure, validation, reassurance… all the things people search for after losing someone they deeply loved.

The strange part is that even today, after all this time, I don’t think I want her back anymore.

But I still think about the relationship sometimes.

Not because I’m unable to move on completely, but because a relationship that lasts that long changes your internal wiring in some way. Some memories become part of your mental landscape permanently. It’s less like active heartbreak now and more like emotional residue that occasionally returns quietly.

After the breakup, I slowly rebuilt myself through discipline.

I started focusing more on spirituality, studies, fitness, career growth, family responsibilities, financial discipline, and self-control. In many ways, the breakup forced me to mature faster than I otherwise would have.

And today, from the outside, I think most people would say I’m doing well for 22.

Career growth.
Good work experience early.
Financial discipline.
Investments.
Government exam preparation.
Helping family.
No smoking/drinking culture.
Trying to improve emotionally and mentally.

But internally, there’s still this weird emptiness sometimes.

Not depression exactly.
Not sadness exactly.

More like this constant feeling that I’m ahead of many people around me… but still nowhere near the version of myself I ultimately want to become.

Like every achievement gets emotionally normalized within a few days.

Salary increased?
Good for two weeks.
Investment growth?
Nice.
Promotion?
Okay, next target.
Emotional healing?
Still not enough.

It feels like my brain is permanently standing in “what next?” mode.

Sometimes I feel emotionally mature for my age.
Other times I feel like a confused kid pretending to have life figured out.

Sometimes I feel proud that I survived difficult phases.
Other times I feel guilty because there are people younger than me earning more, doing more, achieving more.

And socially, I sometimes feel disconnected from people my age too.

A lot of conversations around me revolve around hookups, partying, showing off, bikes, clubs, Instagram validation, expensive purchases, flex culture, etc., while my mind is busy thinking about career stability, investments, spirituality, emotional peace, future family life, and building a meaningful existence.

I genuinely don’t know whether that means I’m mature… or whether heartbreak and responsibility simply made me serious too early.

So I wanted honest perspectives from people here.

Am I actually doing okay for my age?
Is this emotional state normal for ambitious men in their early 20s?
Does this feeling of “never fully satisfied” calm down later in life?
How do you balance ambition with emotional peace?
And how do you know whether you’re growing in a healthy direction versus just becoming emotionally numb and productivity-obsessed?

I’m not posting this to flex achievements. I know there are people doing far bigger things than me already.

I think I’m just trying to understand whether I’m becoming a stable man… or just someone who keeps running without ever feeling present in his own life.

Hey everyone,

I’m a guy in my early 20s, and I’m struggling a lot even after 8–9 months since my breakup. The relationship lasted 3.5 years. It started as something that felt beautiful and real, but over time it became filled with inconsistencies, red flags, and emotional pain that I kept ignoring because I was deeply attached. I’m not here to paint her as the villain or myself as perfect — I made mistakes too — but I’m still carrying so much confusion, guilt, and unanswered questions that it’s affecting my daily life and my ability to move forward.

I really want to understand how to find closure when you never got clear answers, and how to rebuild trust for the future. I’ll try to explain my side as honestly as I can.

The major issues that built up over time were:

Lack of respect – in private and public There were repeated moments where I felt disrespected by her words or actions. Even when I was calm, she would say things that felt dismissive or hurtful. I believe respect should be consistent, especially when emotions are high. If someone disrespects you when they are stimulated or upset, it shows how they truly see you at a subconscious level. I tried to communicate this many times, but it kept happening.

Inconsistencies between words and actions She would tell me one thing and I would later find out something else. For example, she would say good night at 10 pm and I would see her online at 2 am. When I asked, she gave excuses like “I accidentally woke up and opened WhatsApp.” I knew something felt off, but I didn’t have solid proof and I didn’t want to invade her privacy by checking her phone. These small lies eroded my trust slowly but steadily.

Her past and the cheating incident Early on I learned she had 4 exes, 1 friends-with-benefits, 1 hookup, and a male best friend before we got together. She framed it as being a victim of toxic relationships, and I chose to stay and support her. About a year in, I discovered she was emotionally (and possibly physically) involved with her male best friend while we were together. She didn’t fully admit it, but the evidence was clear. I broke up with her at that point. She contacted me again, sounded very guilty, and I forgave her and took her back. But I was never able to fully get over it. The trust was broken and never really healed.

Long-distance struggles and never meeting The entire relationship was long-distance (different states). In the beginning I didn’t have money to travel. I started working 14-hour days (college + internship) in my second year just to save enough to meet her. When I finally had the money and asked for a date, she started giving excuses and never made it possible. I respected her father’s strictness and didn’t want to create problems, so I never pushed. I told my family about her in the first year and convinced them. But we never met once in 3.5 years. That physical distance made the emotional gaps feel even bigger.

Hot and cold behaviour Some days she was fully bubbly, loving, and caring. Other days she would suddenly go cold and want me to leave her alone. I started feeling like I was her emotional support system — there when she needed cheering up, but not a consistent partner. I became deeply attached and felt her happiness depended on me. When she left, I realised I had built my entire emotional world around her. I had to learn to live from scratch.

On the day of the breakup, I told her I had lost my job and broken my laptop in frustration. Instead of giving me some space or postponing the talk, she went ahead and ended it. I knew deep down we needed to break up because I was hurting both of us, so I didn’t fight much. But it still broke me.

There’s a lot more to the story, but this is the tip of the iceberg. I spent my most crucial years (late teens to early 20s) with her. When she left, it felt like I lost not just the relationship but a big part of my identity and future plans.

Now, 8–9 months later, I still can’t seem to move on. I get dreams, intrusive thoughts, memories of both the good and bad times. I catch myself checking her public profiles even though I know it’s harmful. I feel disgusted at myself for still thinking about her, and I feel guilty for not being fully over it. At the same time, I miss the care and attention I received. I keep wondering if I should have left earlier (after 2 months when I first saw red flags, or after the cheating incident at 1 year) instead of trying to fix things for another 2.5 years.

My biggest fear for the future is trust. I really want a healthy relationship — one that starts as genuine friendship and grows naturally. I want loyalty, consistency, honesty, mutual respect, emotional maturity, and grace. But after this experience, I’m scared I won’t be able to trust again. I worry that if a woman has any past or small inconsistencies, my old wounds will make me overthink everything. I’m terrified of missing red flags again or becoming too controlling out of fear.

Questions for the women here (and anyone who has gone through something similar):

How did you find closure when you never got clear answers about cheating or what really happened?

How do you stop the looping thoughts, dreams, and intrusive memories after many months?

For those who have been betrayed or had trust broken badly, how did you rebuild the ability to trust in a new relationship? How do you know when someone is safe versus when your fear is amplifying small things?

If you have high standards (loyalty, respect, emotional maturity, graceful presence, honesty), how do you approach meeting someone without forcing it or becoming desperate?

Any practical advice for someone who wants a slow, friendship-first connection but is scared of repeating past patterns?

I’m not looking for sympathy or “just move on” replies. I want real, grounded perspectives. I want to understand how to protect my peace while staying open to love again.

Thank you for reading if you made it this far. Any honest advice would mean a lot.

Hey everyone,

I’m a guy in my early 20s, and I’m struggling badly even after 8–9 months since my breakup. The relationship lasted 3.5 years. It started as something beautiful but slowly became full of inconsistencies, boundary issues, and moments where I felt she was hiding things or not being fully honest. There were clear red flags that I saw but chose to ignore because I was deeply attached and believed her when she said she was a victim of past toxic relationships. I stayed way longer than I should have, trying to “fix” things, hoping the good parts would win.

Now, months later, I still don’t have real closure. I don’t know if she actually cheated or not. I have suspicions, but no proof. I don’t know if breaking up was the right decision or if I gave up too soon. Some days I miss the care and attention she gave me. Other days I feel disgusted that I loved someone who hurt me so much. The thoughts keep looping — “Did she play me? Was any of it real? Am I the one who was blind?”

I’ve tried everything to move on. I’ve reduced distractions, I’m focusing on my career and studies, I’m working on myself, but the mind doesn’t stop. I still get dreams and intrusive memories. Every time I see couples around me or hear friends talk about their relationships, it triggers envy and sadness. I feel like I lost something I’ll never get back.

My biggest fear now is the future. I really want a healthy, peaceful relationship — one that starts as genuine friendship and grows naturally into something deeper. I want loyalty, consistency, honesty, and mutual respect. I want emotional maturity, ambition, grace, and kindness. But after what happened, I’m terrified I won’t be able to trust again. I’m scared that if a woman has any past or even small inconsistencies, my old wounds will make me overthink everything and ruin it. I worry I won’t be able to detect real red flags or lies next time, or that I’ll either become too controlling out of fear or too blind again.

I know I need to move on, but I don’t know how to actually do it when the mind keeps bringing her back. I feel stuck between missing the good memories and being angry at myself for ignoring the bad ones.

Questions for the people here:

How did you find closure after a long relationship where trust was broken and you never got clear answers?

How do you stop the looping thoughts and dreams?

Is it normal to still feel this stuck after 8–9 months?

Does it get better, and what actually helped?

For those who have been through betrayal or hidden things in the past, how did you rebuild the ability to trust in a new relationship?

How do you know when to give someone a chance versus when to walk away?

If you have high standards (loyalty, honesty, respect, emotional maturity, graceful presence), how do you approach meeting someone without forcing it or becoming desperate?

Any practical advice for someone who wants a slow, friendship-first connection but is scared of repeating past patterns or missing red flags again?

I’m not looking for sympathy or “just move on” replies. I want real, grounded perspectives from someone who has been through breakups, healing, and new healthy relationships. I want to understand how to protect my peace while staying open to love again.

Thank you for reading if you made it this far. Any honest advice would mean a lot.