u/Gandium666

I have this character in my head that is largely based on me... Her name is Sammy and I write a lot of my experiences and feelings in my head trough her to disassociate and not deal with my own feelings and I just wrote her ending in my head as being drugged and stumbling home and then feeling all of the guilt and hell and abondment and just screaming in agony how she doesn't want to die alone and she tried so hard to be good and then a cleaning lady walks in hearing her screams and finding her dead overdosed. I just saw that one tiktok and thought of this and realised that this is the person I am becoming and who I am...I really am like Frankie and BoJack horseman and just cause I mean to do well and don't have ill intentions doesn't mean I'm not that and it doesn't make it okay....i don't want to end up like that...I don't want to end up like Sammy. Being shitty and self destructive feel so fucking good and I truthfully love the feeling of it....I love doing stupid reckless shit...I love being the dumb cracked up bitch that gives head to an old guy....I love being like Frankie from brainwyrms...being fucked up feels so fucking good but I don't want to end up this way...I don't want to become Sammy or Frankie or BoJack horseman ....no matter how good it feels. But I'm saying I don't want that anymore.I just don't know how to live without this feeling...this desire to self destruct and fuck up my life deep down...it's so comforting. I don't know how to exist without the comfort of defining myself by my misery. Thinking about it now though writing this shit out again is just gonna make me feel worse again because I'll disassociate and make myself feel better by being self aware and then repeat the patterns. Fuck my life. Maybe I can find a healthy compromise, becoming healthy while allowing myself to stay a little fucked up or something. Idk....I probably need to allow myself to feel first before anything. Jesus Christ...life is so fucking hard.

I don't want to die alone....I don't want to be miserable...I don't want everyone to leave me....I don't want to keep doing shitty things and then feel bad about it like that makes it better...I don't want to repeat the patterns anymore...I don't want to hurt anymore...I don't want to hurt people...I don't want to lose people...how can i change? What do I need to do? I don't want to be this way anymore.... What do I do? How do I change? How do I stop hurting? How can I be happy? How do I stop being miserable? What do I do? What do I do?

I just got broken up with and I'm going through absolute hell right now, but I also genuinely really care about my girlfriend and realised how much I had trapped myself in that toxic relationship, I want to try genuinely locking in and getting better. I don't know how, everything is overwhelming and everything genuinely hurts and nothing gives me joy but I still want to get better, can someone please reassure me that it's still worth it to try as a 20 year old trans girl who'll be 21 in 5 months?

I really would like some love right now. It feels like I'm being burned alive. Please just.... please someone help me.....holy shit. I don't honestly know what else to write since I need to fill 180 characters....I just wow.