u/Gloomy_Lavishness553

3 weeks now since he blocked me. I don't understand ho said he wanted to actually marry me when I'll turn 18. Idk if he got arrested or som but sighh I miss him. It's 100% my fault tho, I literally begged for him to stay even though he wanted to leave because he knew what he was doing was wrong and that our age gaps was to big (15years), and I knew it was bad too. But honestly? Don't give a shi, as long as someone who gives me good attention I'm willing to do anything, unfortunately. Sighhh I'm so sad right now I miss him.

For a bit of context, I'm a mixed girl, my mom's from France, my father's from Haiti. I'm just living with my mom since my dad is not present in my life, he left us. So yeah, I'm the only tanned person in my mother's side family.

I'd like to start by a quote that I love : "I'm too white for the black kids, and not white enough for the white kids." (from Ginny and Georgia, 2nd ep) I relate a lot to it, I mean, I don't belong in any of those two communities. And I don't know why but it hurts. I never really been a victim of racism when I was a child, just some other person that were black I knew, but when I was like 10, I wanted sooo bad to be white because I thought that being tanned was ugly but only on me, always respected other tanned/black ppl, just wanted to be as confident in my skin as they were. And to be more white I even tried to apply lotion to my body to make it look more white.

Those days, I have a better perception of my skin color but not really proud of it, wish I was either a black or white girl, but not tanned. I feel like nobody consider me as a person of the black community, mostly the Haiti one because I have lighter skin than a 'real haitian' and don't speak haitian creole. I remember one day I met another black haitien man, he was kind and even called me his sister, I was very happy, then he asked me if I know how to speak haitien creole and I said no and he was like 'OMG REAALYY?' like.....sigh. I felt like I was being judged, now I know he didn't mean it like that but still, maybe I'm overreacting but idk. And that I don't belong to the white community because well, I'm tanned. In France it's not really seen as good when you talk about Haiti since it's a country that France used for slavery. So yaah.

That's all for this rambling that doesn't make much sense when I reread it ??? But hope that I'll find some people that can relate to me. Thanks for reading and have a good day/evening :) !!

Okay so I'm so sorry to post on this because I know it's for victim of sexual assault and I'm probably just overthinking but I just have a super dumb question about if my behaviour when I was a baby/young child was normal or could I have been POSSIBLY sexually assaulted?

Sooo like three years ago my mom talked to me a little bit about my father and said that when I was around 3 months my father came back just for a week and I went to sleep at his house without my mother. And after that week he disappeared from our life.

My mom told me a few days ago that I used to goon at a very young age (when I was just a baby) so ya this conv was kinda cringe but she made fun of it so it's 'okay'. And now I remember that even when I was like 7 I used to touch my vagina every fucking day since I'm a teen until i realized that goonin every day is not cool, but my mother and school didn't taught me about masturbation when I was around 7. So here's my question: Is this normal? Am I just freaking out and being a dumb ahh? Is this related to something else? Or my father (or maybe idk someone else) may have done something to me? OK I'm so sorry for this cringe post I'm sorry for every person who lost their time reading this 😞

I don't know what's wrong with me, it doesn't matter if I'm feeling good or awful, I just wanna cut myself. I'm always thinking about going deeper, cutting until I get to the beans and eventually die from it. I don't have my blade right now, that's the only thing that is stopping me from doing it. I hate this but love it at the same time arghhh.​

lazy rambling but sighhhs....Wish I could find comfort in good things but right now? Just want an older person to care, even though it's fake, gonna pretend it's true attention.

Wtf why do I feel this way? It's all my fault if I got groomed when I was between my 12-15yo, I'm creepier than those creeps I SWEAR TO GOD AHHH

When I was between 8-10 yo sorry I dont remember exactly the daughter of my mom friends who is 2yo older than me came home with her dad, she was my friend, and we were both went in my room, just the two of us. We talked like two normal child but after a few moment, she asked me if I wanted to watch something on her phone, and I said yes sooo yeah ;-; guess you know that she put some porn stuff. After she selected a vid, she asked me if I wanted to watch with her and I said no. Sooo I was at the opposite of the bed while she was playing with herself, I felt sooo much umcomfortable. She insisted for me to watch with her and if I wanted to touch my intimate part too and I just said that I was ok with watching a bit. We she had to leave she told me that if I tell anyone, she will say secrets about me to my other friends. And after that, I started to watch porn on my phone too (disadvantage of having unlimited internet access when I was a kid)

Today I'm 15, and I feel like it's not really sexual abuse because she never touched me and, well, people goes through much worse things when it's about COCSA/SA. I'm prob overreacting but sighhh